Let go and stop breathing..
This would describle this coming week really well. I should have trip with my glass but because of my teacher traumatized me with yelling me for my depression and all tricks what they did to me to make me sad. When I said I felt bad they just lauched and made me want to jump into the river from really high.. Lukcily my buckhare (boyfriend) was there to stop me for doing it.
Also tomorrow would be spirng feast of my school and everyone should graduate and or move on.. Everyone else but me. I havent been at school for 2-3 weeks now because I just have felt myself so tired and lost. I also haves troubles at home because my dad does not like me at all and when I m sad and cant take any critique or yelling I m really mad really quick at him. Also it takes effect that my granny is really ill and dad tries to take care of her and he does not see that I m dying.
But yes. All my friends are going to have get papers for that they did study this year but not me because I just cant find any power to go into school. I just feel so weak... and lost and empty. I tried to learn trust people again and then they stabbed me on my back and hurted me a lot. And when I told that it hurted they laughed and they call themself "Student caring teachers who enjoy their work". As well I could say that I have engagement with a hare and have 10 0000 of childrens with it!
Also my boyfriend is graduating and he will become media assistant. I have that horrible feeling that I m not going to get my paper from school just because they dont like me. I still dont get why!? They have spread some shitty lies about me and they always have 100 of reason why to act the way they do. First I was un-social, then I was depressed, then I had too bad panic disorder (I started to getting those because my teacher hurted me.) While my second of panic disorder I told my teacher that I needs to go home. He said no. Then I said that I´d like to go anywhere.. Even into the mountains. Then he just smiled and laughed. He was like "LOL!!"
And I was suffering about bad pain inside me.. Then the reason was that they wanna leave me more time at home for my hobbies. Then I was racist.. Me? If someone knows about being hurted from different hobby etc. its me. I did ask my friends if they had noticed me hurting someone and none of them did! Of curse if I have hurted someone I m terribly sorry but I and couple of my friends have a feeling that those were one of those lies of their.
I just feel torn and half dead. I wanna be happy for my friends and go there hug them but something inside me says that I cant. I m alfraid that they might yell me more about "What is this show!?? WHy are you depressed?!?!?! Why cant you be happy!?!? WHY YOU DONT TRUST US? Why?!"
-__-''' I DID trust them but then they started to tease me and laugh when I got hurted by them and mentioned about it. I just cant! But still there is the an other half of mine who wants to be happy for my friends even teachers are entire different towards them. One of them said at school that he aint gonna graduate if they tease me like this. They spoke him a lot about how important it will become in future. Also when he fell ill not far ago there where lots of messages saying: "Oh.. Poor ya. It so sad that you are ill. I hope you will be okay soon so you can be graduated. You are important one!"
SO.. Everyone else seems to be okay and important but I m racist and fool jerk? ... That is so nice. -_-'
One of my dA friend guessed if they did not like that I was not so easy to be brainwashed into commununism what they seemed to supporting there.. EEh.. Even communism would be nicer! And because they "failed at brainwashing" into "Perfect human who is agree with everything!" *Even the favorite colours* they want now just make me to kill myself. If someone would told me when I started studying I would have lauhged and be like "NO wayy! XDD" but now that SEEMS only one version wic have any clue....
But how ever it is I m going to cry soon a lot.. I just wait with horror when my friends call me and tell me how happy they are. T_T
-Varjokani.
ps. To all irl friends of me. I love you a lot and I wish I could be with you guys but I m just so weak at the moment! Lots of hugs to you and congraz for got loved by teachers! :-) *I did not*
