Good morning

Ya. It seems its friday again.. And I notice that I find Myself wondering How it is possible. I mean it just Was a monday. Where does time dissappear into?

What the heck does artblock even mean?

Ya. I have been talking with Candyskitten aka. Karkkikissa lately.. It seems I'm suffering from art block. Yes, Karkkikissa  at least told me that syntoms and dissorers fit to my description about how I feel.
And it is damn scary..

It seems I have two options. Either force myself to draw, or wait to inspiration just to drop from the sky.

--
Maybe this also is following for fact that lately when I have inspiration I don't have paper or pencil with me. Nor I have time or change to draw because of work.

Ya. I m little bit insecure about what should I do next..? But maybe Ill think of something. Something smart I hope.

Also note you can now actually send me messages and talk me on FB viaVarjokani Official .
See ya around because its time to me to start working again!

And it just keeps raining and raining

Eh. When does this rain stop..? Ya. I was just talking with my online furry friend from spain who told me that there are no rain in there. Also he told me that normally they get lots of rain.
..
While we in Finland seem to drown from cold and wet stuff called water. Yes, I say that because my shoes went wet at this morning and I felt like I died.And even I'm in warm office. I feel like I'm dying.. My feet still are cold.

.
And the conclusion I'm making here is that in fact it seems we got their bad weather now. And I don't like it one bit.

Just hoping the rain to go away and leave me alone for a week.

New channels to communicate

Ya. I found out I could actually create "artist page" of myself on Facebook. I'm so happy. Yay. Feeling like little child atm. Okay, I'm little kid. At heart at least. But since I hang out in FB these days I tough maybe I should be able to talk to you guys also. :P
So here I'm.
https://www.facebook.com/VarjokaniOfficial?ref=hl

:-D

Music coming from inside my hands:

Beautiful song I wanna share and translate for English speaking people. This song just make me cry. And feel so calm.

 My creator gave me two hands.
The Lord wishpered:" Use them to love."

Ill take my hands in to use, just wait and see.
I'm not gonna keep the power hidden.

But I did not learn to love, I left my hands inside my pockets.
They withered silently in their hideout.

The years and days passed.
I did not learn to use my hands. My hands were clumsy and hard and cold.
I went to show my hands to the Creator: "Look what are my hands"

What ever ever I want to touch, it just breaks into pieces under my hands.
My hands are scattering death, and method of loving is breaking everything.

So it is best if I just keep my hands in my pocket. I hid and cover them with care,
so they don't be able to destroy no more. I throw soil over them.

I saw tears in the eyes of my creator, no any hint of blame (or making quilty):
"Give your dirty hands to me. I wanna tend and wash them."

I don't cannot understand / Dont know what happened at that moment. The winds
started to blow. They wiped away the dirt and bitterness. Then there started coming
music from my hands / my hands started to play.

They played uknown/ weird melody. Really quietly at first. I could not silence it
as it took more room wildy. And it spreaded with dauntless power into
so familiar hands of mine that brusted with melody.

The light flowed into tips of my fingers. God, you gave me my hands. My whole soul
is thanking You. My hands are mere a channel.
What ever you wish, do it. Its enough.

Original:

Minä Luojalta kaksi kättä sain.
 Luoja kuiskasi;" Rakasta niillä."
Otan kädet käyttöön, odota vain.
En voiman suo salassa piillä.
Mutta en oppinut rakastamaan,
minun käteni taskuihin jäivät.
Ne kuihtuivat hiljaa piilossaan.
Ohi kulkivat vuodet ja päivät.
En oppinut käsiä käyttämään
ne olivat köpelöt, kovat.
Niitä Luojalle lähdin näyttämään:
" Katso, millaiset käteni ovat."
Mitä tahansa tahdon koskettaa,
se musertuu kätteni alla.
Minun käteni kylvää kuolemaa,
ja rakastaa rikkomalla.
On siis paras, kun käteni taskuun jää.
Kädet huolella kätken ja peitän,
niin ne eivät tuhoa enempää.
Niiden päälle nyt multaa heitän.
Näin Luojani silmissä kyyneleet,
en jälkekään syytöksestä:
" Anna minulle kädet likaiset.
Minä tahdon ne hoitaa ja pestä."
Mitä tapahtui silloin, tiedä en.
Tuulet alkoivat huminoida.
Ne pyyhkivät lian ja katkerudeuden.
Minun käteni alkoivat soida.
Ja ne soittivat outoa sävelmää
ensin arasti aivan ja salaa.
Sitä säveltä voinut en hiljentää,
kun se villinä valtasi alaa.
Ja se levisi hurjalla voimalla
minun tuttuihin käsiini näihin,
jotka ilosta uhkoivat soimalla.
Valo virtasi sormen päihin.
Jumala, Sinulta käteni sain.
Koko sieluni Sinua Kiittää.
Minun käteni ovat kanava vain.
Mitä tahdot, se tee, se riittää.

being tired

I did try reason yesterday with the person I wrote here about. But when I'm still feeling unsecure about the fact that this person acts like I'm his mother and keeps telling me everything.. and blaming me for everything-- I try to support my friends but there are limits. I just can't do it.

..
And I told him that. Somehow today and yesterday I have been just so tired. I feel like I would just pass out every second. Yes, I go to bed early but still. I wonder why?

I'm just so tired. And yes, I sit too much on computer, but I do it because of my work. So yes, my neck is killing me. Again.

But maybe someday I just pass out. Well we will see. Not planning to do it tough.

Plääh

Old bad habits seems to die hard.. Noticing again one in myself.
Yes, most of my friends say I'm "Easy to make friends with" and m "nice person".. Yes, I try to be polite and good and behave because mom always told me that you don't need to like everyone, but get along with everyone. ..
..
Well I find again that when I let people be themselves and myself being me trying to stand "annyoing people". Then when it comes to the breaking point where I no longer can stand someone's behavior and tell them to quit it.. and tell that I'm annoyed by them. Somehow I always get shock reaction from them.
..
How is that always possible people shocking and crying when I say I don't like something. Damn. I m so tired being nice to everyone all the time. I can't be perfect all the time. But still it makes myself feel sad and I find hurting mostly myself when I get mad on someone. But still I just can't take all stupid actions.

--
M I only one with this problem or are there any others who have similiar problems?
..
Problem being me being too friendly and always supporting my friends, even I got bad depression myself. When I just can't support someone dear to me "it" meaining my friend starts to being really depressed and even suicidal and harmful for themselves. :/

And I just can't help it. I try behave and support everyone and listen. But some times I just need to be left alone.

Yes, I might seem social and easy outside but in real life I find myself baring no skill to bare being near with humans for long time perioid. After coming home from work I usually go straight to bed because I'm so tired of being social. And I feel like I'm getting burn out for being social all the time at work. I wanna sleeeeeeep. But I can't because I have work to do.

And yes, sorry, I know this all sounds confusing and my grammar is failing me again. Lol. Its just that I have so much to say and I dunno how to say it proper way or how to say it. And yes, most of the time I find difficould to speak or write in Finnish. If you think I have hard time writing stuff in English, don't make me write it Finnish. I find that mostly I know English word for something I mean or English saying for some situations, but can't tell how its supposed to say in Finnish. Words like: Cliffhanger, Creeped out, Outsider, furry etc just don't have the same ring in them in Finnish. And saying "Kliffhangeri" or "Kreeppaa mut hengiltä" just sounds stupif. XD

Maybe I sjould continiue my work atm and write more stuff later.

But I just feel like I'm on burnout. Yep. I just fetched more paper pictures and film from warehouse cellar and was supposed to scan and digitalize them all. But after 500 0000 of pictures scanned (at least) I start feeling myself bit weary and dull. I just need to take a looong nap. But then again I know I just can't do it. I can't just quit. I promised my boss that I would do this and I can't let him down. After all he is so nice person and always cheers me up.

Also most of my co-workers are just so adorable. Okay only ones I feel odd being with and find that they don't wanna talk with me are couple of female summer workers.. But for male co-workers I just feel like spoiled kid middle of them. Heheh. Just yesterday one had bougth Icecream and was like "I don't wanna eat this.. you want this?" :D

But ya. Maybe I just needs to slap myself in face and keep doing..

I just have found myself whole day being bit more numb than usually because I had bit argue with one of my friends. He seems to think I  m free to leave work to eat with him and he is free to do all what he wants. And he did not get the hint to not call me middle of my work shift. So I told him not to do it.

Let it shine! Let it shine! Let it shine!

It's funny how when its cloudy and murky I have no intenios what so ever going anywhere near front yard or step out of the house because "its too cold and windy.."  however I find out that when its sunny and warm I found new obsticle and bad thing being out there.. And that is the sun.

Its just too hot and I start getting headache and feeling dizzy when I go out. Even if I wear a hat. Maybe it is just that I haven't got used to the sun yet. .. After long being depressed and just sitting there its small wonder. But still I wish it would somehow be easier.

..
And same time I find out being total foul-mouthed racist towards the weather.