Nice girl vs Rocket raccoon

I've been taught how to be nice and polite. Always to smile and never cuss or swear to people.
ALWAYS when I know something can make someone happy I try to give it to them it being talking about certain anime with people all day long or playing some video games with people they wanna play. But them there is this new side of me, that I ve started calling "Getting full Rocket Raccoon mode on people". Suddenly I don't wanna talk about anime that other people like, suddenly I wanna play some video games that I enjoy the most.

I do know that most people do this by default, they are nice to themselves and put themselves at first. Me for the other hand has no skills on this. And Ive noticed that during my past people have taken hardly advance on this and used it agaist me. Flarg I almost got married with totally-not-ready-to-leave-his-mom-or-being-an-adult-and-taking-care-of-the-money-and-family type of guy because of this habit of mine. Like I get so sad when someone else is not happy and I give them my all to make them smile. I somehow use it as  my own boost to tell the world that I m needed and I have the right to exist on this world. But it got to that point that this "momma's boy" who never had money to pay his own bills or never enough energy take care of his pet rabbit (not me but actual rabbit).. Heck he was too sleepy and lazy to come over to my place. And he was scared of my parents because they have tendency to yell a lot. And he was scared of his own shadow. Well as someone with panic attacks I learned that the same level I learned to go out with him and be brave middle of huge pile of humans on different cons and Book sale events he started to act more paniccy and scared. But the worst came when he started to sulk and mourn how I was not married with him and living with him and giving him sex. Well those who know me know that I felt during that time too young and too scared to do anything like that. But the natural reaction for me was to give in and say yes. But something stopped me.. And it made him even more sad. Well it end up we not being able not to even talk to each other anymore.

But ya. Lately I ve noticed that when pushed to my limits instead of quietly and nicely saying no I go full "Rocket Raccoon mode.." I sulk, cuss and tell people that I m fucking tired of making them happy 24/7.

At least one person has become confused and scared of me.. The "anime fanboy-guy", who only seems to be able to talk to me when if I talk with him about his fave anime. Othervise he is just sulking to me and being like "You are horrible person because you ask me to do such hard things as talking about something you might also being interested." Okay that was over extatured. But like they just told me the other day they wish that he could talk to me or do something with me that would make me happy. I tried begging him to play video games such as WOW with me and they went full "I dont want to talk to you! GO away" -mode.
This made my Rocket raccoon side go on full rage. For their good luck I did not go raging on them but it was so close I did not go tell them that if he thinks that he can go mute on me the instance I dare to suggest something I might like is super rude and I dont want to have anything to do with them. The worst part was I did that before and they totally were more ready to never to talk with me than doing something nice that we both might like.

On the other hand I really dont wanna loose a friend, but again I m starting to think that maybe this friendship is not on the healthy levels. I bet if he tries to read this he is surely going full rage on me about how I dare to talk about my feelings. He did stalk my Tumblr posts earlier on. Funny fact he is super suspicious on me stalking him even I know he is the one who stalks more. Actually I kinda hope he reads this so he knows that "I wanna be friends but I dont like when he goes ignorning me when ever I dont wanna talk about anime." And if it was all anime it would be good but he has really strict taste of anime. Only his fave 1980's series are good topic. Other is like "Meh I could never like them or get feelings out of those get them away from me." This happened when me and one of our friends suggested him a new anime to watch.

But yea. I m kinda worried about myself. Like I know its a good thing if I dont let people being boss of me and using me. But I'm kinda worried about those people. If I go snap on them and telling them they are sick bastards using me they are gonna feel super hurt because I know at least one person not doing stuff on purpose. I know he is the way he is because he never learned how to be a human, and on the other mode, When Im nice girl mode I wanna support him and be a friend. But sometimes when he has been shithead enough I've learned I go full Rocket raccoon mode and just wanna tell him straight how frustrated I'm.

The worst part maybe is that this person does not know how to teach himself to being better person. He believes he is the way he is and he cant learn. How to tell someone they can learn and being selfish and narcistic bossy shithead is not only option to live for?

I feel tired and scared that I only make their situation worse if I go on Rocket raccoon mode.

I ve decided to try being just me and trying to be nice on them untill I figure out what to do with them.

The good thing about me getting into Rocket raccoon mode I feel more brave and more adult than I never felt. I feel more me. During this persona taking somehow over me I feel more me. And I feel like I know what I want. But suddently as it appears it  goes a way and Im again this nice girl who has zero idea what they wanna do with their lives.

What I want to do:

I wanna WRITE and talk with people online.
I wanna help people. Like the other people who has PTSD and depression like I do. I wanna be there for people and I wanna let people know that they arent alone. That Jesus died for them and that they are loved.

I also love creating new things, like art. Lately Ive have had horrible art blocks and writers blocks, but I managed to start Finnish GNG/Harry Potter AU Fanfic. Hahah. I know its not much but for me its its still something.

I just wish there was a way to me earn money doing this. I mean by writing stupid toughs on my head but I know that actually no one is interested on reading shit like this. But at the moment I dont even care. I ve used this blog as my super open- what-everyone-can-read-to Diary and place to put my feelings as long as I can remember.. also since I got nothing to hide I think its just okay if I keep posting my toughts here.

Also when I read my old posts  and compared them to my newer posts I noticed once positive thing. I no longer write about how I wanna die. I still feel like I got no enery left time to time but this time I wanna live. I wanna live and show the world that Varjokani is here to stay and no one can stop me for being the silly old me.

Super scary tought. Im turning 25 this summer and I havent been doing anything useful for 4 years. It feels kinda scary. But at least at the moment I'm studying game making on online courses and at least I managed to get up this morning before 11am. I quess thinks are getting better. Just lets hope my Rocket racccon side wont desteroy my life.

Being nice

"Dat feels" and the amount of confusion when you have been trying to "be nice" and talk with someone about stuff they like. And when you dare to suggest them something that you would like to do, like playing your favorite video game together, and you tell them that you think they could enjoy it too they suddenly say to you that they dont want you to "Distract" them or "Talk to them" at all. Yes I can understand if people dont wanna talk with people all the time. But when it goes like "Hi you are allowed to talk about stuff I love and like but you dare to suggest something you like I m not talking to you." I m starting to think that this "friendship" is getting way more toxic than good friendships should. .. and yet I feel like I kinda wanna talk with these people..

And I m scared that they feel hurt or sad because of me. I've been talking with my terapeut lately and she told me that I m "too nice," and I should start thinking what I want and I should dare to be selfish. Somehow I m scared that I might hurt someone else in the progress if I start going full selfish mode.
I will be tring to being in clear middle-lane in between. But somehow I feel like that one person is on purpose making me feel bad if I dare to ask them something or tell them that I would love to do something with them that I would like to do. Worst part is that they themselves tell me that they want to be my friend, but dont have anything in their mind what they could do to spend time with me. But they sure say no to 99% to my ideas.

All I've learned that only way they feel happy is if I talk with them about stuff what they are currently being greatest fans of. Like tv-series that they like. Meh.

I feel like torn apart in between thinking maybe I should be more demanding on them, and tell them that if they wanna be my friend they should do something that I wanna do. Instead of me just going on pleasing about them and talking about their interest.

And like if I tell them I feel tired about talking the same topic and ask them to talk about something else I get the cold treatment and them being compeletely silent and cold towards me claiming "They dont wish to hurt me but they just dont have imagination or idea what to talk about." When I suggest them to talk about stuff I like like raccoons and rabbits they be like "Oh I dont know what I could say or talk abou those." When I suggest them to watch my fave movies etc they say "Maybe someday but I m just too busy watching my own series on re-run".. And I m like Okaaay.

Bah. The worst part is that they are so cute and innocent and cry a lot if I get on mean Rocket Raccoon mode on them. I think I might post more about my Rocket raccoon mode here.