GSM is back?! nice-nice

 

yes-yes the madness continues. It is me, Varjokani <3

*chittering*

My mental health gone down again..? I dunno. Do I even care?

 Depression is the really "nice" thing to have.. After over 10 years of having it, medical people have finally started questioning me whether I have BPD or something similar going on..

Nice.

So fucking nice. 

Like I myself feel like IF I would have gotten proper studies done about my mental health and I would have gotten right diagnoses and right medication from the start I would not be the mess I currently m.

I feel so unrealistic and anxious. I feel like everything around me is just a big joke and everything is a big scam to make me realize how insane and crazy I'm.  I feel like nothing is real and at the same time, I feel like I was just waking up from the weirdest nightmare ever to reality.. Even the reality itself often feels like a nightmare that is sucking all the joy and feeling of calm and determination out of my system. 

I feel like I'm losing the grip of the reality itself... And losing the "track" of what I want to do. To be honest I haven't had any idea what I want to do with my life for months. 

I thought I was supposed to have a job opportunity at the local bookshop and that the mental health doctor who ran the thing was someone I could trust in.. But surprise surprise.. He wanted me to take over the position of a head accountant just to be able to scam and steal money from the sales all for himself. Once I called him out for it in fear of getting myself thrown under a bus.. After being already thrown under a bus for making a complaint of the landlord of the time making illegal construction works that subdued us to the dangers of asbestos and other nice stuff from the old walls. 

I did feel like yet again there is never a person I can trust and have faith in. Makes me think I'm never gonna find myself a person I could fall in love with.

And that makes me kinda sad. But at the same time, I feel numb and tired of trying to cope and survive. I did call the mental health helpline and only got a bunch of angry questions of "how did I get their number". . . and was told they could not help me at the time. Lovely.

I currently think that Finland is the "country of happy people".. just because all who are like me end up doing the desperate solution of ending our lives because of the feeling of being all alone .. and all by ourselves without no one to care.

Whenever I post about my problems and of the fact that I struggle to go on my daily life as a "functioning adult.." I get tons of likes on Facebook but when I need I need help I notice that I'm all by myself.  There is no prince Charming to save me. Sometimes I do wonder if God himself has forsaken me because I'm just so confused and so tired.

And most of all hate the fact that for one moment I feel so strong and so confident in my own abilities that I think I could take on the whole world all by myself, and the next moment I feel so weak and so tired that I have to literally curl in my bed and fight myself to not to try to drink dishwasher soap or cut my writsts open and bleed.

I feel I'm tired of everything. Tired of having all emotions amplified. I wish I was normal. But at the same time I have suffered so much about being just me that I dunno if I want to stop being me..
And the one huge question in the end is who is me?

What m I?

I had to fill out some official documents a few days ago.. I struggled to remember my own name. I was like "Is this really my name? Is this who I'm?" That was a stopping moment for me. I was thinking maybe I m losing it all.

But then I got myself new PC that I could use to stream and spread awareness of whatever this thing is that I struggle daily basis. But then I heard that our family dog died and yet again I feel unreal and confused. I feel like whenever I feel like I have found direction for my life something shocking happens that makes me forget the plans I had made out just a half a minute ago.

ANd this point I admit I have yet again completely forgotten why I have started writing this rant.. And What I was going to try to say and tell you. I currently suspect that there is nothing. No point of publishing this. Considering I'm sure at this point this blog has 0 active readers. But at the same time I want to save this for later so my mental health art therapy holding therapist can maybe read this and have some kind of idea on my mind and mental state of me. 

..

Maybe I should just ramble on more. Because it does me if nothing else it makes me able to feel that there is something I should rememeber of..

Something I was supposed to be doing with my life. 
I wonder if I should read the news article of Brain Fog and if this is it..

EDIT:

Does ADHD cause brain fog?

ADHD is one of several health conditions that can cause brain fog. Many ADHD symptoms mirror brain fog symptoms. Brain inflammation may be behind some of them. ADHD can also cause sleep disturbances that make brain fog worse.26.1.2022 Google results for "brain fog and ADHD"