Thursday, September 5, 2013
There still is something dark inside me?
Okay so it was not so smart idea to kill two small tics I found from an other of my kittens fur. I just crushed them with pliers I found from dad's tool set. I dunno. I somehow felt really happy and relaxed while doing it.
..
Yes the some of you might remember the time when I had bad habit of writing and drawing really hard and bloody stuff..
And this one here is just minor example. I mean this fellow still had a change to survive unlike some others of my drawings.
Usually I let my mom to take care of killing them because I just kinda still seem to have the an other side of mine.. Yes when I was at school I was bullied and I kinda lost all human feelings of mine. There was a part of me who just wanted to tear everyone into peaces.. And yes I sadly feel that this shadow inside me has not yet dead unlike I tough. I was sure it was over but now I just realized even I did just kill couple of small insects I still found that there still is the dark side of mine left. The one that has no other feelings but thirst to get my hands covered with blood..
And somehow I find it heck of creepy.. Its not like I m going to kill any people. I never would allow myself to do that. I would never forgive myself. And after being Christian kid and believing Jesus loves everyone I would never dare to.. But yes. There still seems to be something dark left inside me. Something I haven't got known yet. I know my other trauma's and I know my wounds so I can treat them and they have started to heal. But I found that there still is something left. Something really dark and cold.
Something that I hope will never awake towards humans.
Yes. I know that I m over reacting and I know everyone of us has their shadows and bad sides. Also I know that my dark side is not even near the worst it could be.. but I still have to come face to face that I still have injuries inside my soul and still even I have started to feel like human I still have that "shadow" inside me..
Yea.. I really know what Kovu means in Lion King 2 with that ".. Maybe I got the darkness inside me too.."
Yep. its not nice but I have to live with it. Don't worry I m not going to hurt anyone who is able to breath. I m not the type. But stay tuned and be warned for blood in my art because now I m really feeling like drawing something that I m sure I will regret later on.
-Varjokani
..
Yes the some of you might remember the time when I had bad habit of writing and drawing really hard and bloody stuff..
And this one here is just minor example. I mean this fellow still had a change to survive unlike some others of my drawings.
Usually I let my mom to take care of killing them because I just kinda still seem to have the an other side of mine.. Yes when I was at school I was bullied and I kinda lost all human feelings of mine. There was a part of me who just wanted to tear everyone into peaces.. And yes I sadly feel that this shadow inside me has not yet dead unlike I tough. I was sure it was over but now I just realized even I did just kill couple of small insects I still found that there still is the dark side of mine left. The one that has no other feelings but thirst to get my hands covered with blood..
And somehow I find it heck of creepy.. Its not like I m going to kill any people. I never would allow myself to do that. I would never forgive myself. And after being Christian kid and believing Jesus loves everyone I would never dare to.. But yes. There still seems to be something dark left inside me. Something I haven't got known yet. I know my other trauma's and I know my wounds so I can treat them and they have started to heal. But I found that there still is something left. Something really dark and cold.
Something that I hope will never awake towards humans.
Yes. I know that I m over reacting and I know everyone of us has their shadows and bad sides. Also I know that my dark side is not even near the worst it could be.. but I still have to come face to face that I still have injuries inside my soul and still even I have started to feel like human I still have that "shadow" inside me..
Yea.. I really know what Kovu means in Lion King 2 with that ".. Maybe I got the darkness inside me too.."
Yep. its not nice but I have to live with it. Don't worry I m not going to hurt anyone who is able to breath. I m not the type. But stay tuned and be warned for blood in my art because now I m really feeling like drawing something that I m sure I will regret later on.
-Varjokani
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