Its seems it started to rain again. Mään. I did cry out for sun keeping me awake at night but I wasn't actually hoping for rain either. And here I notice myself acting like typical stupid human -- Its fun how some of us ( this time me in cluded) is never satifised with the weather. Always either too cold or too hot. Or then there ain't no wind and the air is rough and sharp like road in the contryside with no asphalt on it. So dusty that it makes one puke. Or then there is hot air and wind beating the hot air on your face untill it hurts. Or then its too cold.
When think of it we all have suffered for things I listed above. Many times when you see beautiful holiday island you think "wow this place is paradise" but when being honest to ourself there is always something wrong. .. And do you know why? My quess is as good as yours but I think its because this isn't paradise. Its fallen world.
..
Yes you can see many beautiful things here, and some awesome scenery. And beautiful music.. But also horrible things like war, people dying for either being sick or hungry or then get killed by each other because other one was dating a guy other was interested on. That one was seen in Finnish media couple weeks ago. Two girls who were "doing okay with each other", one gets mad, visits the other's home and kills other because "just happened to get bitch rage mode on" or someting.
Ya. Bros. How ever I try looking this world I just can't make it feel like paradise. When I'm alone, listening good music and eating icecream I think then I can have glimpse of paradise.. But still. Something is missing.
I found my hope for thinking that maybe Jesus does love me and maybe there is heaven for mad furries like myself. But how about you dear reader? What keeps you not getting insane and loosing all hope when the world around you turns out to be gloomy place? I'm interested to hear your story. Please comment and share your story below.
Or if you are just struggling and going one day before an other like I used to do sometimes and most of my days I still struggle and cry out when I fail. How does that feel? Can you relate anything I wrote here?
-Varjokani
Friday, May 29, 2015
Gosun ulkopuolella?
Taas tulee kohta viikko täyteen ilman Gosua. Joo yhä tuntuu haikealta ja oudolta mut joo. Toisaalta sitä rupeaa miettimään miten jokainen meistä on jatkanut elämäänsä ja harrastuksiaan. Ja mikä meissä on muuttunut.
Mulle oli omasta mielestäni iso askel kun uskalsin omalla nimelläni käydä sanomassa hei tuonne Gosun Face-ryhmään. Joo vaikutan aika monen mielestä seurankipeältä ja sosiaaliselta otukselta, mutta ne jotka mut oikeesti tuntee voi kertoa että mitä enemmän höpisen sen enemmän mua pelottaa. Tai siis peitän juttelemalla turhanpäiviäistä roskaa sen että mua pelottaa hirveästi ihmisten lähellä (Varsinkin omalla nimellä Tuntemattomien lähellä). Ja siten myös kokeilen ihmisten tapaa suhtautua läsnäolooni. Joo mulla on yhä eläimellisiä piirteitä jäljellä joista oon tänne purkanut lähinnä enkuksi. Mut siis lyhyesti koulukiusaaminen + valehtelevat ihmiset = paniikkihäiriöinen otus joka pelkää kaikkia ja kaikkea.
Mut joo itsestä toisaalta tosi mahtavaa miten oon pariin upeaan ja ihanaan ihmiseen nyt tutustunut paremmin kuin koskaan jos Gosua ei oltaisi suljettu. Joo te ihanat tunnistatte kyllä itsenne. Puhuin teille viimeksi eilen illalla ja tänään aamulla. :P
Mutta hei. Joo netisivuprojekti on yhä kesken (anteeksi) mutta valmistuu kokoajan.. hitaasti. Tällähetkellä VIELÄKIN pitää väsätä ulkoasua. Mutta yritän saada sen tehtyä. Lupaan. Ja kun Candykitten palaa conista me ruvetaan tosiaan töihin.. (eikun nukkumaan). Joo ollaan laiskoja ja sillon kun on vapaa-aikaa ollaan töistämme tosi uuvuttuja. :(
Mut ei aijota luovuttaa. Aijotaan tehdä teille ihana forkka jossa hölistä nikin kanssa ja viettää laatuaikaa. Ja mahdollisesti jotain peliäkin ollaan suunnittelemassa. :P
Mutta hei kertokaa ja kommentoikaa miten teillä menee?
Erityisesti mua kiinnostaa miten teillä joilla ei ole Facea / jotka ette ole Gosun faceryhmässä menee? On iso ikävä kaikkia ihania Gosukavereita. :(
Joo Gosu oli mulle kuin perhe. Ei siitä pääse yli eikä ympäri. Niin hyvässä kuin pahassa.
the sunlight and panic attacks
Damn its getting to the point its impossible to fall to sleep when the sun never seems to set down. That leads to the main question of this morning. Why do humans be alfraid of the dark? Yes I don't like it either when I sing, hop and dance around forest in winter and suddenly there is huge male elk stalking me 3,4 meters away from me. Yes, I will shout and scream and bolt trying to make a run for it.
..
but other than that I don't get it. How can some people sleep with the light on? Yes, I keep my eyeshader-thingies on when I sleep. They are peace of cloth that has "sweet dreams" written on them. And you just wrap them around your backside of your head so they cover your eyes. I think you can get them from airplanes.. but mine are from supermarket.
Ya. I m no judge here but I just wish I could learn from people who can just relax and fall a sleep where ever they are standing or sitting. Only situations I can do that is when I'm overworked and my brains just shut down like Windows 8 system when it needs system updating. But I'd call that passing out. Not sleeping. Because usually when I sleep I decide it before I do it that "okay now I'll sleep.."
But ya. Good morning. Finally its friday! And tomorrow I can sleep.. oh I almost forgot. I can't because my friends having graduating party tomorrow and day after tomorrow my other pall is having Birthday party. Ya. Fun. I know. But for someone like me who has hard life behind me its not so easy. I can be near humans yes. But after I do it I need to reset myself and sleep and take it easy and rest. And have time with myself.. and my pillow and planket. :3
After having long days at work I'm bit worried how it all will turn out. Specially when I know my friends yes, but they are sure to invite there people who I don't know and who don't know me. Ya. Thats kind of situations really can make me tired. I m not sure why but I think its someting to do with the fact I have background of being terrefied and scared all humans. I just haven't been able to trust humans for so long time. Yes, I m learning to do it. But the past is just hunting me.. like shadow. And at this point I wanna scream and kick and bite and yell "FUCK OFF! I wanna be normal! Let me be!" but the past still has a hold on me. Ya, I know most of humans have no intenion to hurt me or whatsoever but I still feel kinda nervous when people around me. I love people and love talking to people.. but something there makes myself wonder why when I love it so much why it still makes me feel so tired and scared.
I have told couple of things around me that I have panic attacks and phobia for humans. And I don't trust humans and I don't like be around many people and I feel ackward in social situations. They all usually are like "Oh really? O_O" or "But you seem so brave and talktive atm. How is that possible".
Ya. The annoying side of it is that I have habitat to cover my panic with talk and I usually never shut up when I start talking and laughing with people. But from inside I keep feeling tense and weak and just usually wait for something to break and trigger my panic attacks.
Ya. I think my panic attacks are the main reason why I feel that way. But since I have meds and haven't got so bad attacks for while I wonder what I'm so scard of?
..
Nya. I'm bad at this kind of stuff. Everyone seems to think I'm easy to make friends with. But I'm scaring humans .. and most of the time hating them all for being so scary and so humans.
Well somehow writing this stuff makes me feel better so I think I ll be writing this more and more. I feel so relieved after writing this.
..
but other than that I don't get it. How can some people sleep with the light on? Yes, I keep my eyeshader-thingies on when I sleep. They are peace of cloth that has "sweet dreams" written on them. And you just wrap them around your backside of your head so they cover your eyes. I think you can get them from airplanes.. but mine are from supermarket.
Ya. I m no judge here but I just wish I could learn from people who can just relax and fall a sleep where ever they are standing or sitting. Only situations I can do that is when I'm overworked and my brains just shut down like Windows 8 system when it needs system updating. But I'd call that passing out. Not sleeping. Because usually when I sleep I decide it before I do it that "okay now I'll sleep.."
But ya. Good morning. Finally its friday! And tomorrow I can sleep.. oh I almost forgot. I can't because my friends having graduating party tomorrow and day after tomorrow my other pall is having Birthday party. Ya. Fun. I know. But for someone like me who has hard life behind me its not so easy. I can be near humans yes. But after I do it I need to reset myself and sleep and take it easy and rest. And have time with myself.. and my pillow and planket. :3
After having long days at work I'm bit worried how it all will turn out. Specially when I know my friends yes, but they are sure to invite there people who I don't know and who don't know me. Ya. Thats kind of situations really can make me tired. I m not sure why but I think its someting to do with the fact I have background of being terrefied and scared all humans. I just haven't been able to trust humans for so long time. Yes, I m learning to do it. But the past is just hunting me.. like shadow. And at this point I wanna scream and kick and bite and yell "FUCK OFF! I wanna be normal! Let me be!" but the past still has a hold on me. Ya, I know most of humans have no intenion to hurt me or whatsoever but I still feel kinda nervous when people around me. I love people and love talking to people.. but something there makes myself wonder why when I love it so much why it still makes me feel so tired and scared.
I have told couple of things around me that I have panic attacks and phobia for humans. And I don't trust humans and I don't like be around many people and I feel ackward in social situations. They all usually are like "Oh really? O_O" or "But you seem so brave and talktive atm. How is that possible".
Ya. The annoying side of it is that I have habitat to cover my panic with talk and I usually never shut up when I start talking and laughing with people. But from inside I keep feeling tense and weak and just usually wait for something to break and trigger my panic attacks.
Ya. I think my panic attacks are the main reason why I feel that way. But since I have meds and haven't got so bad attacks for while I wonder what I'm so scard of?
..
Nya. I'm bad at this kind of stuff. Everyone seems to think I'm easy to make friends with. But I'm scaring humans .. and most of the time hating them all for being so scary and so humans.
Well somehow writing this stuff makes me feel better so I think I ll be writing this more and more. I feel so relieved after writing this.
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