the sunlight and panic attacks

Damn its getting to the point its impossible to fall to sleep when the sun never seems to set down. That leads to the main question of this morning. Why do humans be alfraid of the dark? Yes I don't like it either when I sing, hop and dance around forest in winter and suddenly there is huge male elk stalking me 3,4 meters away from me. Yes, I will shout and scream and bolt trying to make a run for it.
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but other than that I don't get it. How can some people sleep with the light on? Yes, I keep my eyeshader-thingies on when I sleep. They are peace of cloth that has "sweet dreams" written on them. And you just wrap them around your backside of your head so they cover your eyes. I think you can get them from airplanes.. but mine are from supermarket.

Ya. I m no judge here but I just wish I could learn from people who can just relax and fall a sleep where ever they are standing or sitting. Only situations I can do that is when I'm overworked and my brains just shut down like Windows 8 system when it needs system updating. But I'd call that passing out. Not sleeping. Because usually when I sleep I decide it before I do it that "okay now I'll sleep.."

But ya. Good morning. Finally its friday! And tomorrow I can sleep.. oh I almost forgot. I can't because my friends having graduating party tomorrow and day after tomorrow my other pall is having Birthday party. Ya. Fun. I know. But for someone like me who has hard life behind me its not so easy. I can be near humans yes. But after I do it I need to reset myself and sleep and take it easy and rest. And have time with myself.. and my pillow and planket. :3

After having long days at work I'm bit worried how it all will turn out. Specially when I know my friends yes, but they are sure to invite there people who I don't know and who don't know me. Ya. Thats kind of situations really can make me tired. I m not sure why but I think its someting to do with the fact I have background of being terrefied and scared all humans. I just haven't been able to trust humans for so long time. Yes, I m learning to do it. But the past is just hunting me.. like shadow. And at this point I wanna scream and kick and bite and yell "FUCK OFF! I wanna be normal! Let me be!" but the past still has a hold on me. Ya, I know most of humans have no intenion to hurt me or whatsoever but I still feel kinda nervous when people around me. I love people and love talking to people.. but something there makes myself wonder why when I love it so much why it still makes me feel so tired and scared.


I have told couple of things around me that I have panic attacks and phobia for humans. And I don't trust humans and I don't like be around many people and I feel ackward in social situations. They all usually are like "Oh really? O_O" or "But you seem so brave and talktive atm. How is that possible".

Ya. The annoying side of it is that I have habitat to cover my panic with talk and I usually never shut up when I start talking and laughing with people. But from inside I keep feeling tense and weak and just usually wait for something to break and trigger my panic attacks.

Ya. I think my panic attacks are the main reason why I feel that way. But since I have meds and haven't got so bad attacks for while I wonder what I'm so scard of?

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Nya. I'm bad at this kind of stuff. Everyone seems to think I'm easy to make friends with. But I'm scaring humans .. and most of the time hating them all for being so scary and so humans.

Well somehow writing this stuff makes me feel better so I think I ll be writing this more and more. I feel so relieved after writing this.