Yesterday was a really fun and interesting day on so many levels. My best friend since I was 5 came to my place and we watched some Guardians of the Galaxy Mission breakout from Netflix. Afterward, we schemed some ideas for a birthday present for his boyfriend. For our bad, he seemed to smell it coming because he had put both his Steam account and Origin account into a private mode so neither of us could not see his wishlists. Major setback for our part. We know he loves gaming and likes to play video games but we don't have any ideas of what to buy to him. Usually, when he finds a game he wants he buys it before someone else can.
But he is such a great friend and he always gives me so cool gifts that I want to give him something nice in return. I tried to query him what he would want as a present and he gave me no answer. He also made me realize that it is actually my birthday a day after his and asked me what I wanted. And yes, I really know why he is not giving me any answers; I really don't know what I want either.
The "newish" Sims 4: Fame -addon seems nice and yes they are publishing some new Addon for Sims on 21th day, which is my birthday but still I dunno if I even want them. Too bad I don't know any semi-open world game where you can look like Rocket Raccoon and just run around.. Oh wait there is one but it is only for VR. My bad. I kinda just want to let go of all stress and pretend I'm Rocket.
So I kept thinking and browsing for stuff till my other friend asked me to play Minecraft with him. I haven't played that game in ages, also the fact that I m so bad at that game. Yea, it did not take me so long at all to a) get lost and b) die in that game. I soon found myself getting really angry at myself and I dealt that like every grown up person would do;
/gamemode creative typed in chat and getting myself stuff to sell to the villagers so I could get a new watch. By the time I had enough emeralds to do the trade, I realized no one in our village would sell me a watch so I just took one from the inventory. After that, I did the usual deed I always do when I'm feeling down and playing Minecraft. I spawned the whole place full of rabbits. And because I'm a sore loser I had already made rules on the server that no one is allowed to kill or harm the rabbits on purpose. So where does this leave us? My Minecraft server being permanently laggy with a bunch of bunnies running around. I do feel bad for everyone who uses it. But luckily its just for me and my trusted friends and they are already gotten used to the fact that me failing at Minecraft equals a dozen rabbits popping up all around till the world crashes. The person I was playing with was a rabbit fan too and at least he told me he was super happy for the "lil" surprise I gave him. And he is not a lying type so I believe him.
This, however, shows to me as a person that I indeed still have the tendency to rewind back into being a really childish and annoying brat when I feel bad or sad about something. And it is definitely something that I will have to work out to get rid of if I ever want to be stably grown up without panic attacks and mood swings caused by them so I can't function normally for an hour or even rest of the day.
I'm really lucky to have such good friends who don't kick me out of the group even I'm an annoying person some times. I try to learn to be less annoying and I work hard every day to be the best version of myself that I can to be.
And in my case, I think I might need to try work out for the rest of my day if I want ever to be the ideal me that everyone loves and makes everyone happy without making anyone feeling annoyed or making anyone wanna punch me in a face.
I know no one can be perfect but I m trying myself to be the best version of myself that I can.
I've already managed to do huge progress in a way that now I usually sense when I'm switching into Rocket raccoon mode and instead of letting it happen I have the change to get out of the situation or in a bad case tell people that I might be snapping at them soon and try then get away from the situation without ending up just calling everyone around me bad names or wanting to harm others.
I've learned the fact that being angry or insulted are both feelings that I'm allowed to feel and the fact that I'm not been allowed to feel them in a healthy supported environment as a child might be partial cause why I snap and reverse from "I'm nice rabbit" to Rocket raccoon mode where I literally feel that I'm unable to care about anything. It is some kind of emotional overload that I think my brain uses to save me for more pain.
It also has something to do with adrenaline rush and survival instincts overreacting.
But I've learned that I have two bad habits. Either reversing back into a stupid annoying child or turning on that thing that I've been describing many times and that I call Rocket raccoon mode.
For me realizing and knowing there is a problem is the first step to being able to fix the actual problem. Now when I know where I do wrong I m able to try to train myself to do the right thing instead of giving up on any of these bad survival mechanism I have built during the years.
The most scaring thing to me is that I don't even know which of these switches is a more dangerous one. Both of them result in me not remembering clearly what I have done to hurt others in a way. When I rewind into the child level I'm somehow unable to understand anything. Everything feels confusing. The Raccoon one is making me unable to care anything or see anything besides the feeling that I need to fight something and throw a snarky comment on anything that tries to get anywhere close to me.
Worst to me is that I really don't want to hurt anyone or anything. At the moment there is like a couple person irl who know about this thing. Or whom I think are aware of it. And only two who dare to speak with me about it. And then there is only one who knows how to explain to me stuff so that I actually understand it.
I feel so ashamed of myself when I tell him stuff that happens and he points me out the obvious stuff and I'm like "why did I not see it?" I guess both of my switches are at least as bad at reading humans around me.
And the most annoying factor is that I usually switch when I'm stressed, scared, tired, annoyed, and some times even when I'm happy. And all I know that its something my brain does partially as self-protection for preventing the complete meltdown.
That is the reason why I have noticed that I'm not able to cry so much as I used to. Whenever I feel like crying the switch happens and I'm either everything I hate about Rocket or then just looking at the world in big confusion like a baby rabbit that sees the world for the first time. And I hate both of them. I just want to be able to handle stress without any shield actions getting up on me and making me act "stupid" to put it nicely.
Edit:
I also noticed myself switching back to a really childish act when my friend said she might not be able to see me on my birthday. I think I managed to fix my act in time so I did not say anything stupid to her.
Also, I wanna point out that I've noticed that this self-awareness writing I've been doing for a while is really something that could actually help me to fix myself.
