Summerheat and heavy medicines?

I might be just being paranoid but I feel like because of the heat I feel like my depression medicines are making me feel like I was drugged. And I dont like this feeling at all. I quit taking my adhd pills because I felt so numb and unable to think or feel anything. And now I just feel like I was drunken again.. Even I m not. I feel just bit dizzy and feel like I wanna just go tell stupid jokes on people to annoy on them and so I can go to snicker behind the nearest tree and pretend to be funny.
But then I'm also smart enough to not do anything like that. Instead of it I m just sitting here in my room and taking naps and chatting with only people that I trust know me and wont judge me even if I act weirdly.

Okay lets put this nicely and ask a simple question;

What the flarg you think you would find from here?
Something to get insulted or sad?
Why would you not try Tumblr or Reddit instead to get offended?

Just out of curiosity. Why do you people keep reading this blog?
It is not like anything interesting happens in my life so why you so curious? It is kinda giving me the creeps when I know people read this and never reply anything on my posts.

And no, I cant make you any good quality vids on Youtube or to Twitch because people are still fixing our roof and the banging noises would butcher your ears so I m not making any streams till its over. So I m kinda using this as a spare tool to communicate and pour my heart out when Youtube and Twitch are out of the question.

Unless you want to get ear-killing-stream with all construction noises with it. That too would require you to  post a comment here so..
But ya:

"Mitä flarg sää luulet täält löytäväs? Kerro se mulleki. Muaki kiinnostaa mitä nii kiinnostavaa tääl on. uwu"

Walking

I went for a short walk again. I think I m making a progress here, but then again I still feel half-dead after scootering to the icecream truck day before yesterday. For some time I tough I was gonna get a heart attack and die. But here I'm still alive. Though I think I should start taking daily walks again. Well, as long as there ain't no rain or thunder I think I might even be able to do that. I will be keeping you posted. Even for the love of Rocket raccoon, I can't understand how anyone has actually energy and interest to read these posts. I myself find these really boring. Sorry. I will try to write about something interesting next time. Maybe. I dunno for sure because I use this kinda channel to vent my feelings.

The feeling when you can just watch or close your eyes

It kinda hurts my soul and burns deep in my heart to see when people keep doing stuff that they know is bad for them. There was this one person I mentioned earlier about who needed help with people skills and I could not help them and I told them to search for help elsewhere and I blocked him from everywhere.

First I wanna apologize if talking about this hurts anyone. And I don't want to insult anyone or hurt anyone. I just wish there was something that could be done to this situation to stop it from getting any worse. And at the moment I feel so worried and so lost. I just wish someone out there could help this person out.


Well. I just found a long Twitter topic about him on Twitter telling that he had been annoying dozen of people on Telegram. Eventually, he seemed to join the topic and telling that he was sorry. Of curse he was. I believe he was. But this ain't the first time he has crossed the line with people. I had to ban him twice from my Telegram group within a week because of similar behavior. I know he has mental problems and he probably can't help it but just snap and I'm sure if he was able to understand other people's pain he would not have done stuff. I also lowkey wanna add here the weird stuff that this same guy told my friend about my other friend. How he has been "Thinking a lot about the length growth spree of my other friend and fantasizing about it." even both of my friends are under age and other of my friend does not like being tall at all. The thing is I know this person has at least  Aspergers and maybe some mild mental retardation and he is 28 years old and he lives with his sister. I also know he is not a bad person. Not in a way that he wants to be bad or evil. Or at least I hope so because he told me he just wished he had friends when I was on talking terms with him.

I have met someone bit like him before so I know that he does not mean to harm people. Okay he does, because it's his way of channeling his feelings and when he talks rude shit to people he feels better because he feels that people deserve being mean to because people are mean to him.  I kinda see it as a cry for help. But the worst part is that he is too shy to get actual help. He does not want to tell his sister anything that happens online because he does not want to have a fight with her. To him, the internet is a safe space to escape all the stress of the real world. And there I can relate to him. I too use the internet as a channel to relax and feel safe.

But the thing I m worried about is that if he keeps verbally abusing people and lying then afterward just that "People are meant to me and making shit up".. maybe because during his anger snaps he completely just does not either remember what he just did or does not want to remember the feeling like people are cruel and against him with no reason. But I'm worried that if he keeps making people feel annoyed he will soon be either alone with no friends or getting hauled into court for defamation or stuff.  Like I know that I 've been stupid and talked a really rude way of people and hurt people and I m sorry for it.  I don't wish to talk bad about this person either.  I just want to tell you how I see this all.


At the moment I'm just feeling worried about him and I wish there was a way to bust him to his sister so he could get help from someone who could teach him bit people skills before he messes it up big time. I was thinking of calling it in myself but I don't think the police of Finland can do much when a person lives in the UK. I also know that if I was smart I would just close my eyes and ignore everything so I would not get dragged down with whatever it is.

But like I m feeling really sick and bad because as I m seeing it this person is burying themselves in the dirt of shitpile made of insulting people and then lying to people to get away with it and then finding new people to annoy and insult.


Like when I talked with him he was able to recognize a pattern of him feeling bored and lonely and when he tried to talk to people while bored people soon got angry on him and he did not understand at all why. I told him that maybe it was because he was not able to read people which he replied "I don't need to read people. I read books." which to me tells a lot. This person needs help. But I can not help them. Mostly because I don't have so good social skills either. But I just wish this person would get help before things get any worse for him.


I don't want anyone to go witch-hunting him or being mean on him. I know from experience that people who can't see what they cause won't stop being mean and act stupid if you get mad on them. They need someone to be nice and understanding to them. And someone to explain to them what they are doing is wrong, the same way one would explain to 5 years old.  And I think maybe it would also work best if the person in teaching had an actually studied license for it. Like a doctor or a psychiatrist.

But ya. Ben, if you are reading this; I wanna say that I'm sorry that people are mean to you but they just feel unsafe around you. And I think you really should talk to your sister and get some help before you hurt someone else any more or before you hurt yourself. Please be a smart boy and get help.

Here is the actual Twitter thread that caught my attention.

Eww get off mee!

Ya. Like seriously. Lol. I just wanted to have a nice quick jog session outside but then it literally started raining cats and dogs out outside. Better yet it cut all the powers down so I could not finish this post during the day.
My thunder headache seems to be getting worse by the years. Like now I literally feel like I was drugged and I m unable to think clearly. And I dunno if I can take it anymore if this pressure keeps hanging in the air. It feels like it is eating my mind and my brains numb.
I m starting to suspect if there is something wrong with my brains since I m so allergic to this. I start to feel Im unable to live a normal life during summertime if this thundering keeps up messing my brains.

I got mega pissed of and actually tried to get drunken to test if it felt any different if I was actually a drunken state with this. Funny story; after drinking I could think normally and felt normal. The only downside was that after drinking I felt dizzy and my head felt like I was spinning around to make my balance -tracking parts in my brains killed. And I felt horrible. The good side was that I was able to think about what I wanted to do and felt like I was myself again and now I know that I m not imagining that my brains react strongly to pressure on the air and to the thunder. I also know that it is not use if I m wasted. Then Im able to think about what to do and how I want to spend the day but I can't do anything.

But the time I think if there is another way to render out the effects of the thunder out of my head. But now I m sleepy.. even I did sleep during the day. I guess I m still not fine after the silly experiment I had with rum earlier today.

But ya. I dunno what to do with this? All I know that doctors and scientists do not know what is causing the thundering headache.. But I wonder if this is something else because now I feel that my thunder headache is becoming "Thunder hangover" and "thunder dizzyness" along with the headache. I literally felt the as I did during that time day after a party at friend's house when I had drunk too much liquor ( I dunno even if I spelled it right but like Baileys and stuff.)
I normally do not drink at all. I have only tried drinking at a friend's place. But ya. If you are reading this and you also have a weird headache during the thunderstorm feel free to comment and share because I feel completely lost and alone with this thing.

I dunno if it is anything relevant but I also have had multiple infections in my hears as a kid.

Stupid bun bun

For some reason, I feel sleepy again. Even I think I did get a good sleep. Or maybe it is the depression that makes me feel tired of everything. I still have zero ideas about what I even want to do with my life. I kinda wanna do streaming but people are currently fixing the roof so there is constant banging noise in the air and I don't want it to the stream.  Im currently thinking of doing some stream without the mic on. Let's see if I get enough energy and the courage to stream.
I kinda m scared if people to know the secret; me being ugly and stupid. Lol. Or at least the person switch I usually use when I feel relaxed that I call Varjokani is really stupid and childish.

Quick post

Sorry. Its again over midnight and I should already sleeping but
I just wanted to share you one fun pic before I go to bed. So basically I was shopping for gifts from friends for their birthday parties and found some old school Nintendo game and this is the first thing I did with it. I feel so proud of myself right now.

GnG: Lesson of the day?

How does the dog say woof in Japanese?
Ben trying to teach Gin how to say woof and John laughing at them.
Click here too see it. This is so funny.  I just keep replaying the part where they bark. It is so cute. <3
Here the whole vid:

すみません、私は日本語が話せません。あなたがこれを読んでいるならば、私はあなたがこれを理解していることを望みます。そうだといい。このミュージカル/演劇のドラマステージショーはすごいね。ジンはとてもかわいいです。赤目はハンサムです。ベンがジンに吠える方法を指示し、ジョンがすべてであるとき、私はそれが面白いと思う、「あなたは両方ともそれで悪いです」。それならジンは壮大な吠え声を見せます！ <3 。銀牙 - 流れ星銀は私の子供時代の壮大な物語でしたが、他の子供たちはポケットモンスターとジェームズボンドの映画を見ました。私は一般的なミュージカルの大ファンでもあります。私はこれのDVD版になるつもりですので、私はそれを購入し、それを見ることができますし、自宅のフィンランドからそれを楽しむことができます。すべてのキャストメンバー、スタッフ、マネージャー、そしてこのショーを可能にしたすべての人たちに、大きな抱擁をしてください。私はとても誇張していて幸せです、そして私はいつかそれを見るのを待つことができません。楽しい一日を。 - フィンランドのバルジョカニ/シャドウラビット。

Summer

Weirdass dreams

For some reason, I had a horrible nightmare again.
It started like a dream I had had multiple times. For some weird-ass reason, I had to go to the old school I used to go as a kid and most of the people who were just standing there and watching when I was bullied when I was there. They were my classmates again. I have had this weird and creepy dream too many times to me to ignore it anymore.

Well, this time the teachers got pissed on me because in the dream I had been on a summer camp earlier on and seen a bombing and lived to tell about it. I don't remember the details but it had something to do with all the other people in Finland hating Israel except me. The teacher told my classmates to end me and they grabbed a gun from somewhere which was super weird because of just a half hour of earlier we were just all watching Lion king theory videos from Youtube. 

And because for some reason calling 112 or 911 in the dream universe does not work I somehow hacked to my teacher's computer and started to stream the situation on Twitch and was begging people to call to the police but apparently no one did. I do remember one of my friends hosting the stream and then shutting it down completely.  After that, I tried to escape with all the childhood art that was still in the classroom for some reason and managed to get lost in the maze of pipe organs weird classmate-looking people still trying to stab and shoot at me.

I remember managing to escape from most of them but getting alarmed by some random girl I never had seen before. And a flarging Minecraft Chichen. That is the last clear memory of my dream before I was rammed over by pipe organs and sharp corners of glass windows and woken up in the real world feeling cold.

The damn little girl and a Minecraft chicken.


At the moment I do know two things. I'm scared of studying anything or doing anything because I don't want to be the weird kid that gets bullied again. And I m sad how sometimes I feel that whole Finland is blind to the situation on Israel.  I still don't get where is that weird-ass semi-automatic pipe organs coming from.

Like they operate with a small sized ball running on a track of notebooks which presses the keys as it moves so it somehow plays the music. Sometimes it also moves figurine dolls so if you follow the ball's route you can actually watch full-length movies with it.
I dunno. Some mechanical versions of Windows movie player maybe?

But ya. I just wanted to write this down before I forget it like always.
I still feel a bit dizzy and confused and maybe bit scared because I still have zero ideas why did I see a similar dream of me trying to get to some class with my former classmates from the age I was 10.

I do remember the other dream I had last night. I was at some kind of animal park with both live and stuffed animals. I could not enjoy it at all in my dream because in my dream I was harassed by some kind of sleep paralysis synthoms and I could not move my hands. I remember at one point that I was visited at some of mom's old friend's by some army flight jets just landing on a pond and asking me and my mom if we were ready to go to dine in some fancy restaurant. I don't remember so much about the theme of this dream. Except, again I was feeling super stressed about some trouble that was disturbing my normal life and was getting panic attacks out of it. If I recall correctly I somehow made friends with some weird animal which was supposed to be dead but it was coming back to life. If I recall correctly it was a white tiger/Lynx/raccoon hybrid. I just petted it and told it would be okay and it kept regrowing its limbs from the bones it found from the area. Again I was too stupid to run from talking zombie animal. But I was haunted by some skeleton humanoid demon creatures which wanted to hurt me so I was happy to have anything to talk with while trying to avoid losing the rest of my mind.


And sorry for really confusing text. I dunno if anyone is able to make any sense or even understand a word that I just wrote down. I just woke up and still feel half asleep. I'm not even 100% I'm really awake and that this is the real world after all. Maybe I'm still asleep. Well if this is the case and I'm still a sleep I m happy that no weird stuff is happening to me so far and no one wants to either kill me or abuse me or use me or hurt me in any way. But I do miss the feeling of having someone to talk with.

Fading memories of Viikka and rest of the family

It is so funny and weird and kinda sad how I just realized how memories fade away.

Like how I can't remember the faces of people anymore. I still can remember the faces of people who used to bully me as a kid. Or at least some of them even I haven't seen them in years, and Im sure they are changed for what they used to look like when I was 1-3 grades at school. 

The worst part is that I could not remember my old "family members" like Viikka and Bigwig clearly no more. I did find an old photo of my rabbits Bigwig and Tom Tom from my old diary and I ended up crying for a while. I still miss my little rabbit babies. But then even I have seen photos of Viikka, my family's late dog I feel that whenever I think of him I can't remember the face so clear and I usually end up thinking of some other same breed dogs I 've met instead of his face.

And it kinda makes me feel sad. I did hate the dog because the dog and I had hard competition on the matter of mom's affection and mom's limited time. But once he became ill and I was taking care of him I think we made peace and were a family... Even that time only lasted for couple weeks before his death. I still find it odd how I can't remember what someone looked like even I did live with them on the same house for multiple years. 

It feels scary and I almost want to cry. 

But then again maybe I'm just over processing this situation. 

But the one thing I can learn from this is that I'm gonna shoot a lot of pics of Zorro Veli and Weedi so I won't forget them. I don't want to forget my family...

Another scary tough. I don't remember my mom's face in a way that she used to look like when I was small. But I know she looks different and lots older every day. And it makes me worry. Because I don't want to lose her either. I feel like my human addiction has something to do with me being neglected and abandoned as a child so I 've literally had everything taken away from me and I've literally been all alone in the universe. So I don't want it to happen again. Even I don't remember it. My body seems to be able to remember it. 

Crossovers? UWU

Why m I already writing fanfic about these 3 idiots?
 I just bought Marvel VS CAPCOM 3 from Steam summer sale and I just keep laughing so hard for these combos. Also, I love how well Rocket plays with tall females. It makes great combos.

The only thing that I don't love is my weak internet connection. I tried to play online pvp and for the same reason, I had troubles in other online games I noticed I had similar problems there. The engine did not have enough power to transmit my movements to the server and to the game fast enough to me being able to fight at all. I still had great fun.

Now I'm thinking whatever I should also buy Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite just for the sake of story mode and more crazy silly crossovers to play with.

I do love crossovers and fanfics. Also I found this "Furry and Dangerous" title really funny

Edit:
Someone stop me this is getting out of hand: