So apparently skipping my daily wannabe-jogging-fast-walking sessions for a week was not a good idea. I tried to actually jog for 2 mins and now I keep trying to throw up and my throat is hurting like a flarg. Seriously. I just had to run to the bathroom to throw up. At the moment I wanna remind myself to never try jogging again for a while but same time I know that I will have to try to save myself and try to exercise before I get even worse...
To be honest I dunno if there is worse than this. Okay I know for psychic yes there is. But at the moment I've got a feeling that my mental health is far worse than I 've let even myself believe. I was just talking with someone who I know irl and they told to me that my "Rocket Raccoon behavior acting" has gotten worse and I've been doing it more lately. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I m learning to recognize it and I still don't know how to control it because I don't even know what is causing it.
At the moment it seems it seems to be some over-reacting self-defense mechanism that triggers whenever I feel any emotional overloads of any kind. It seems to activate both when I myself feel sad or unhappy or when someone else is feeling unhappy and I can't help them to feel happy.
I feel like the side of my brains that recognizes another person's pain just twists and makes me say horrible and rude things to shoo everyone away from me and tries to make sure that everyone else feels as miserable and panic and horrified as I feel myself.
Well, the good thing at the moment is the fact that I m aware that I have issues I might be able to try to work with them. Now I only wish I could realize when I'm having issues I could snap out of it before I go being rude on anyone around me. And to those, I've been rude I wanna say that I m really sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry that you had to suffer because of my own self-control issues over myself. I m trying to learn to control my anger and my tongue for better. I never want to hurt anyone or anything again.
It all might have something to do with the fact that I myself have ADHD and since I was a child I was never allowed to feel anger or any kind of negative feelings towards anyone. I was always told to behave and be nice to others. I'm not sure but that might have a partial reason why now when I have been angry I don't know how to deal with such amount of negative emotions and so much pressure.
I tend to snap full Rocket raccoon mode to make sure everyone else stays away from me because I feel scared of everything around me, even my friends keep telling me there is nothing to be even afraid of.
I know it does not excuse me and give me any reason to talk or write rude stuff or snap-on anyone. And I'm sorry for it. I promise I will work on it and try to be the best version of myself that I can ever be. I know I will most likely fail because there are lots to me to learn about controlling my own emotions, especially when I have tendencies to be impulsive and hyperactive and mostly just say or do stuff without actually thinking if its nice or not. Especially then when my own filter that is supposed to keep me checked somehow snaps off and I m unable to think anything straight.
I don't wanna fall anymore deep in this flarg. I wanna become a happy, healthy and stable adult who people can hang without hating me and feeling like I'm crazy and mean on them on purpose. Or doing anything that makes anyone feel annoyed.
Then again I will have to work the other end too. I have had tendencies to please people and give up on my own well being on the cause of others feeling better. That is partially the reason why I'm such a huge mess.
But I promise I will try to be a better person and I will keep on trying to study myself to be able to recognize the bad sides of me so I can someday get rid of them.
Some times I feel like I'm the worst of all, but luckily I got such awesome friends who are always supporting me and telling me when I fail at stuff so I can try to fix it. Like seriously, my friends, you mean so much to me and I can never repay you your kindness and the fact that you love me even I sometimes act like a trash panda.
I also hope that I will get rid of my human phobia. Because now even I love to talk with people I m in constant fear that someone might just jump out of bushes and hurt me. Even I know I'm safe. I still feel unsafe for no reason. And I get panic attacks for no reason at all and just feel afraid of my own shadow.
