Yawn

Hello again. Ya I havent posted here every day as I kinda promised myself. Appearently the new melatonine I got works. Ive been using something called Sleep aid - Oral melatonin spray. After I got it I had to move to the study for couple of days since my bed was broken. Okay it has been broken for years but finally my mom noticed it and told dad. And instead of buying me new bed dad decided to fix the old one. Yay?

And I m finally back at my own room and I can write. Soo Ive been stuck at Netflix couple of last days. Ive noticed that I love to watch crime drama like Lucifer and Grimm.

Also I managed to spend lot of money because I bought myself a new laptop. Yes I did have laptop for gaming but its keyboard is broken and I had to have separate keyboard with it when ever I used it on gaming parties. I also have my "typewriter" laptop that I m currently using for blogging but this thing cant run games. Okay It can run Sims 1 and Sims 2 but never games? Nope. Also it has Windows 23 bit so it cant run WOW. Even the game would othervise work fine on it. Also this one has small memory. 123Gt so I cant put games like Elderscrolls Online on it.  So yea. I have new gaming laptop for wlan parties. Yay. Only problem is now that I gotta save even more for my own dream house. Yes I do intend to move out eventually but I want a decent house and I want to be sure I dont get my ears on dept the minute I move out.
That is why I live with my parents and keep saving for better flat. I m also looking for job. But so far no luck on getting anyone needing something like me.

I find I m bit nervous about it but Ive also learned that I avoid everything that gives me slight reason to panic and instead I spend my days sleeping and forgetting that panic even exist. I dunno. It has been like this for 3 years now. I think its time to me to stop avoiding panic. Even it might mean I would get hard core panic attacks again. Damn. I wish I did not have my PTSD. But then I would not be me. Even at the moment I dont even know "what" me is. Like I feel like I dont even know myself anymore. I feel comfused and scared of everything. And I dont know what I want an d I dont even know who I'm.

Fail

And it seems I failed again. I did not even try to go to sleep after tea, but I tough if I would manage to stay up till morning I could fix the shitty sleeping schedule. I managed to stay awake till 7am and I fell a sleep. Nice. It would have been nice if I would have the ability to relax and fall a sleep like a normal person. Funny I think the reason Im not aböe to relax is that Im scared that my bed breaks even more and I fall and hurt myself. I got awoken by my mom and she was pissed since Ive managed to drop the wrist holder I loaned from her from my improved night desk to under my bed. She also managed to find my left sock that I dropped when I finally fell a sleep. Worst is that she thanks I drop stuff under my bed while in sleep on purpose to annoy her. Sorry for typos. Im on my way to my theraphy and Im using my phone wich loves to put commas in weird places.

And for some reason I have an other problem

I've been lots of self studying lately. Like trying to get to know me and learning who I'm and what I'm good at. One thing I appearently suck at is falling a sleep. I've noticed that meanwhile some humans can decide to calm down and fall a sleep in an instant I cant do that. Okay sometimes when I have been doing something whole day I can fall a sleep but that happens usually when my body is tired. But like normally I just fall a sleep when I'm tired and wake up when I'm not tired. Now the problem is that since I've not have been anything useful today, in fact I slept till noon today I have hard time falling a sleep. I tried watching Netflix, and at the moment I have horrible headache ( I tried to take painkillers) but I m still unanble to relax or sleep. I tried listening to music yesteday for same problem. But I was still awake at 5:30 when my dad left for work. And I managed to fall a sleep after 6 am.. 

I've watched some tutorials on Youtube how to fall a sleep but I've come into conclusion that my brains just must work differentely from all other humans because I can't decide when I fall a sleep. Like at all. Same way I have zero control if I start daydreaming during the day. I've trained my mind into the point where I can  go to class and work like a normal person and after doing work I manage to fall a sleep at the evening. I even can do daily naps after work. But now since I got nothing to do I cant fall a sleep when I need. This is starting to become a serious problem and I don't like it for one bit. I wanna fall a sleep but my brains act like there was hamster running a hamsterwheel inside my head.

Then again when I was supposed to do something progressive it feels like my brains were took of by this drunken raccoon  who has not slept in a year. Oh flark I hate myself. I wish I could just fall a sleep. But nooo....

I really need to since I got therapy session tomorrow and I gotta be cheery and functional human being tomorrow. But somehow I feel like falling a part while trying to figure out what I m doing with my life. Or okay maybe I can also say that one thing that makes me tired of it is that I've been trying to avoid to decide what to do with my life.. for several years now. The fact is I m scared of change. And the unknown. I m scard I might be hurt. Till the point Im scared to go outside. I can go to the yard and the forest but I find them dull. But I m too scared that I mess úp with buss schedules and end up needing to take a taxi home and making my mom mad at me for it. 

I really wish I was more brave and more able to do stuff. But the constant fear of failure and getting lost really bothers me. In a way it chains me to the wall and I feel useless. I try to tell myself that I m not useless but I feel like Im lying to myself. Then I gather people around me that I try to encourage and help when I can not even help myself.  I need people to help around me to not feel useless. I need to feel needed. But at the same time I get mad on people for needing me. I dont know what I want.

Okay I do think I know what I want. I want a space raccoon to come and save me and snuggle me but that is not gonna happen. Lol. And I think maybe its a good thing. Because I really m not so keen on getting abducted by the demons or aliens wich I believe are the one and same bunch of the fallen angels. I really dont want anything to do with that bunch.  What I want is someone would hire me to being a writer or illustrator. But then again I find myself lost because I keep thinking that "Im bad at it." so I notice that I really dont have to courage to apply for anything or advertise myself. And that is a big problem on creative lifestyle. One should have be the courage to advertise themselves to get clients. But I dont even know what I want to do. I wanna write stuff and draw.. But I feel unsure if I'm good on neither of them.  And I kinda hope someone could help me out with this. But like I talked with my friends in real life about this. Rocket Raccoons dont exsist. I gotta figure out this myself. I m not getting any miracle husband dropped out from the sky to save my sorry ass from this mess. And seriously if someone would drop from sky I would hit them with something hard and scream and run. But like I feel like I should advertize my writing skills even they are shitty as flark. But I dont know anyone who would need a writer. Or how to apply. Is it just like "Hello, my name is Varjokani. I love to write stuff even I do dozen of spelling errors and grammar errors. Would you like to hire me to your blog/magazine/whatsoever?" Or "Hello, I can kinda draw but my art is sketchy as flark because I have bad skills pls hire me." Ya. I know I have to keep practicing before anyone is willing to take me. But I kinda wish I knew what I wanted. 

At the moment I feel like I just need to keep doing self analyzing and since I m way too lazy to keep diary on my computer that I might accidently install or destroy when installing games to my computer I decided to keep writing stuff here. No one is gonna read this anyways so I think its pretty okay to me to do all self study here. And if by miracle someone ends up reading this even years after I wanna tell you "Hello. I was Varjokani. I like rabbits and raccoons and I have depression. Wanna be friends?" Okay that sounded creepy. I dont think anyone should be my friend. I m childish and and super annoying. And no one should defienetely date me because only men I need in my life are Jesus and Rocket raccoon. They are two I cant possibly hurt or annoy. Because like I said I m  super annoying person. And super lazy. Like I should be a sleep but somehow I felt like writing and here we go again. I ve been writing nonsense again like for half an hour. Hahha. And I somehow feel that I can't stop. I feel like this weir fire burning inside me that makes me feel happy and safe. And like I was doing something useful. What a lie I know. Writing this down is not useful. Or maybe it is for future. But I'm kinda person who wants to see the effects right away. Not after dozen of years. But ya. I got lot to learn from Jesus. He has been waiting far more longer than I have. And I m almost certain he must feel super annoyed after waiting. But then again he is God and he got better nerves than I do. He loves as all even how much we fuck up in life. All we gotta do is pray for forgiveness and pray for help. I've been praying for something to do with my life and I m still waiting the sign. And at the moment I feel like if I ve managed to wait for so long I can wait bit longer. I got nothing to loose. I think. Maybe I have. But I m  way too depressed to think abou that so I think Im just gonna send this rant to be public on my blog and go drink some tea and hug my stuffed raccoon plushie and drink some tea.  I might even try to sleep after it.  

-Varjokani

And I think I might have a slight problem..

Our water has iron on it and I tried to wash my glasses with it. And now my glasses has this smokey effecty dirt on it that is not going away. Oh god I m so flarked. I just got these and I dont wanna pay for other 600 euros for new ones.

And yes I got glasses since appearently I have bad eye sight. And really dry eyes. And  my eye sight keep switching. Sometimes I m not sure if I see anything with glasses or not. Like I can read but my field of vision is really small and I'm kinda worried about. Ya. I m kinda of a person who worries a lot and usually makes everything into big deal and deal big enough to freeze and have panic attack about.

But at this moment I just wanna scream and panic because Ive managed to ruin my glasses with normal water. okay our water. It tastes like blood even it goes trough sand filter to get rid of the most of the iron on it.  Also my bed is broken. It has been  for years but Im suddenly feeling like maybe I dont wanna sleep fearing to break up on bed splitting up on the middle. Already happened couple of times. Ive have had this bed since I was 4. My Grandfather made it for me. He used to be a woodworker. He also made my parents's bed and other furnitures in the house.
But ya. Its 1:04 am so maybe I should just stop worrying and go to sleep.
But then there is this question. How does one just shut their brains down and stops worrying?
My brains lack that function. I really sometimes would love to have to have my head scanned lol.
Maybe I m gonna just try watch bad movies from Netflix untill I fall a sleep or listen something from Spotify.

I try start updating daily because I kinda like writing. Ya I know no one is never gonna read this shit that I type here but I m not typing this so people would read it. Okay maybe I wish that was the case. But mostly I m just typing stuff here to clear my own head and making myself something to look back and cry later on.

Funny thing I read my old posts and found couple really suicidal ones. I've really been deep down in the hole. Somehow I still feel like I m in the hole but lately Ive been avoiding of going outside or doing anything that would upset me. Maybe that is a good thing. Or maybe it is not.  One thing is clearly a bad sign because I keep dreaming about Rocket Raccoon and kissing him and stuff. That is definetely a bad sign.  Or I dunno. I suppose us girls are built to want make a happy family but I just want to go hug and kiss Rocket and hide and snuggle him on some corner and  watch as the world destroys itself. I just wanna be cute and cuddly with  him. I know I m crazy. He is not even real. Oh gosh I really at least fast read this and edit all stupid shit like this away so I would not regret it later.  But you know what. I m stupid. And I m gonna let this here so I can regret it later. I dunno if I even live long enough to regret it. I mean. I got eye glasses now. I feel like 100 years old granny who just sits home and waits the welcome death.

What was I supposed to say here again.. I got lost.

So after watching Netflix about cute girls who type their inner mind into the thext and look cute while doing it I somehow got inspiration to start writing myself. Stupid. I know. Well I supposed you all knew I was stupid already but if not congraz!

So at the moment Im looking for a job or a place to study.. Or "looking" because I spend most of my time sleeping in bed and snuggling my stuffed pet animals and thinking what kind of job I would like to have.

At the moment I ve decided that I want either draw or write, but about what I wanna do art or text I have zero idea. I could always re-try vlogging and start streaming on Twitch.tv more often but I doupt I could get enough money for it for living. And yes. Money. Funny thing that since I tried to buy food for me and one of my friend independently for a week I learned how much living costs money. Too much for my liking.. And then there is this stupied thing that when before I could not eat even or feel hungry even while treated with a shot gun now I feel hungry with no end.. Untill I thow over on parking lot on snowstorm during the winter shoppings. Ya. That happened. I was on town with my mom and we went to the see The Snowman on the movies with live orchester. Then we decided to eat some chinese. And for some reason my body not only have lost the ability to tell me when I m hungry it never tells me when I m full. When old days I used to keep myself "I feel like I need food right now" mood and keep having melt downs and panic attacks over everything I now have ended up eating too much. I only threw up once tough. But ya. Now I keep thinking like seriously? What I m gonna do with my life? Ya. My boss retried during the Christmas and closed his company so I m in a need of a new job. Or place to study. Ive applied for couple gaming project shcools but I havent gotten as far as getting an interview yet from any of them.

Slowly I feel the panic to rise up on me since I know my parents cant keep keeping me as their pet for ever. Atm they give me food and place to stay and think. But my mom already told me if dad retires or dies we two will have to move away from here. And I dont like that idea for one bit. This has always been my home since I got adopted as 1 years old from Russia. A first place to call home, and a safe spot for bullies. I ve been bullied a lot because I used to be that super annoying and talktive kiddo who never shut up and wanting to be friends with everyone. I saw Mowgli the movie the other day and the dog charachter called Booth hit me too hard and too close. I used to be annoying like that and no one liked me. I m unsure tough if its any good that nowdays I act up like some Rocket Raccoon from MCU who is too tired of pleasing humans to give a crap about what people think about her.  I usually tend to stay home away from humans so I wont annoy anyone by accidents. Luckily I have awesome friends irl who know who Im. They always give me a hug and even they dont know it they mean a world to me. They are my world. I just hope I would figure out what to do with my life before I get an other panicky melt down and start to be too scared to even try.. Okay who m I kidding. I ve been too scared to go out and try anything for years. Last 3 months Ive had just "lucky" since I got this horrible flu and troath ache that activates the second I try extersizing or going outside. Ive been have granted the perfect alibi to stay indoors away from humans that I m so scared of.