Merry Christmas!

I want to wish all of you late Merry Christmas. I ve been just being relaxing and sleeping myself.
Atm I'm still at the bookstore working as an intern and I hope I can get to keep working there after the traineeship is over.

I love my workplace and I love my colleagues, they are the best.
Also I ve been thinking to maybe start streaming again since I just got myself new headphones. <3
Too bad I've been sleeping it in and again failed an other day when I could have just streamed stuff online.

Tomorrow I m gonna see my friendss and I hope my last Christmas present will somehow make it in time.. of being already late.
See ya around.

Hello again .. and oh yes, Skaven are cute-adorable

Sorry for not replying to anything nor posting anything back. I've been super busy with work. Okay, I admit I might have had time to post after work but I found myself just so exhausted and overwhelmed and tired after the work hours. I love my current work-trainee position and I love my co-workers, but for someone who has not done anything besides sleeping and panicking for a couple of last years it's tough to get up and be social on daily bases.

I'm so glad that my boss gave me tickets to the local Bookfair in Helsinki. It was super fun to be there with my irl bestie. But it was also exhausting. It took me half a day to get up today. And because of it, I did not take my daily medicines in time and that is why I ended up confused and dizzy the whole day. Now. I m starting to feel alright and it s 21:57 pm and I should be going to sleep.

To reply to the comment I got last week; don't worry,  I m not mad on you or feel insulted. I know that this blog is kinda crappy. I partially did it on purpose because  I was super lazy and did not know what direction I would wanna take this blog. I kinda don't even want it to be popular. Just the kind of could save my daily thoughts that I can look back, later on, to better reflect and follow my own well being to help me win over my depression.

I always could move the whole thing to Wordpress but again for today when I would have had the time I did not have the energy. I spent half of the day sleeping and the other half to read Skaven lore from Warhammer world.

And when I realized I was too dizzy and confused to not be able to read anything I just gave up and started to play Mordheim the city of damned. I would still be playing it unless I did not make critical fail and run out of money. Time to start new Warband again.

And yes, I know that Skaven are the bad guys and stuff.  Maybe because I myself have gotten so much hate on myself for being non-Finnish by birth and adopted I can kinda relate to the Skavens for being hated for being Skaven. Yes I know its not the whole truth and Skaven are hated for their acts but I kinda feel sorry for them for not knowing anything better than just being Skavens and doing Skaven stuff.

And to the end I wanna share some pics I found from dA


http://fav.me/dc5rbiq


http://fav.me/dcztblu


http://fav.me/dblvh50


...
So ya.. When I see these cute fluffy bois fight against this:



I m all about taking the furry side of the argument.
Not to forget that Skaven have the cutest way of talking. 

Vastaus kommenttiin;

Juu. Näemmä bloggeri ei anna minun itseni edes vastata kommentteihin. Taitaa olla aika laittaa alusta vaihtoon, ja tehdä uusi blogi paremmalle alustalle. Ja joo siis en ole tätä ulkoasuakaan jaksanut laittaa, kun tämä on aikaisemmin ollut lähinnä sellanen oma henkireikä omaan pahaan oloon, ja tyhjä kuilu jonne huutaa kun sattuu. Mulle aika uusi ilmiö, että kukaan edes tätä lukee. Mitä tuossa kesällä oli piikkejä. Ja joo mulla on ollut ihmiskammoa ja paniikkihäiriöitä jo vuosia koulukiusaamistaustan takia. Siksi osittain oonkin niin vainoharhainen sen suhteen kun jostain Kaksoissola.netistä tulee päivittäin pingiä, että joku tätä blogia lukee, vaikkei siellä aktiivisesti käy käsittääkseni kuin ylläpitäjät, ja sitten yksi henkilö, jona kanssa ei oikeen olla tultu toimeen, koska henkilö haluaa ystävyyssuhteilta ihan eri asioita kuin minä. Kyseinen henkilö on aikaisemmin tunnustanut stalkkineensa minua niin vähän hermostunut olo sen suhteen että mitä kyseinen ihminen minulta haluaa kun ei oikeen olla kyetty olemaan kavereita, ja ei ole tekemisissä tahtonut olla minun kanssa ( kun ei se ole onnistunut ilman kissatappelua.) niin sellanen "Mitä ihmettä minulta nyt halutaan fiilis."

Mutta juu. Kyllä tätä blogia saa toki lukea jos haluaa, mutta itse en vaan ymmärrä mikä omassa elämässä on muka niin kiinnostavaa..
Kun viime kesänä tuli sellaisia piikkejä, että blogia luettiin saman henkilön toimesta ´+100 kertaa viikossa.

Pitäs varmaa kysyä ihan suoraan?

Koska tätä blogia selvästi luetaan, niin mitä mun pitäs tehdä, että saisin kommentteja ja mielipiteitä näistä mun kirjoituksista?

Ja ihan sekin kiinnostaa, että mikä mun elämässä nyt niin kiinnostaa että tätä yleensä luetaan?
Mikä mun elämässä muka on niin kiinnostavaa?
Mutta sitten ei kuitenkaan niin kiinnostavaa, että jaksettaisiin kommentoida tai reagoida mun postauksiin millään tavalla.

Ihan vaan mietityttää, sillä olisi kivaa saada palautetta, kun tätä kerran luetaan. :3

Ja jos et uskalla tänne kommentoida niin toinen vaihtoehto on aina tuossa oikealla, josta voit lähettää minulle s-postia. Se lähettää ihan tämän minun blogin nimissä minulle s-postia joten sen pitäisi olla aika turvallinen käyttää, jos nyt niin kamalasti pelkäät yksityisyytesi puolesta.

Ja anteeksi nyt että puhun tästä taas, muttakun olisi kivaa tietää mistä kirjoittaa, niin että saisi vähän vuorovaikutusta minun ja teidän lukijoiden välille. :3

Books

I apologize that I haven't been posting in a while. I  managed to get myself an internship in a local bookstore and I feel really excited. I have been there now for a week and I love it.
My favorite section is the section for old books. I already managed to give it in and buy myself a book from there. The book I bought is called Pocahontas by Susan Donnell. I think I would be buying lots more books from there if not my own bookshelves weren't so full of stuff already.

But ya. Another thing that has kept me from writing this blog is the boring fact that while I keep pouring my heart out  I feel like all the same people keep reading this and none of them comments anything. It feels weird. It still makes me feel lit like Im being stalked by some creep.

But I guess  I should just try to be an adult and ignore the creeps. After all, I have had this "diary/blog" thingie for ages to pour my heart out while I felt bad.  I still feel like I wanna say that if some of you are just stalking-stalking me and feeling like you have something you want from me or something you want to say to me please open your mouth and say the thing you wanna say and then move on and go do something interesting and something you enjoy.

I m still having a hard time to believe that anyone would find my life or my blog a least bit interesting. But according to the statistics, I m reading this blog is actually kinda popular... Mostly on people who love GNG wich I find really interesting since this blog has nothing to do with GNG.

It's like you would hear a person who loves coffee would keep his or her whole day busy by reading a blog that is all about how to make perfect tea and why coffee stinks. Mostly maybe because I find the "latest GNG" aka GDN bit of like lazy fanfic more than real story anymore. And I have to say I'm most disappointed with Mister Takahashi. I loved his old works. But this one feels more like a fanfic than anything. And maybe that is the case. Maybe it, in fact, is fanfic at this point. Maybe the publishers -The same ones that demanded that dogs should talk like humans etc- are now in the charge of making the whole plot.  I read the last spoilers about who gets killed and ya, I m not spoiling anything to you. But I have to say that the "New Ginga is like a limping dog on his last breath after getting hit by a truck twice after getting hit by a shotgun in the head to roll to the road in the first place. "

There just is no magic anymore. In my case, the magic started running out on GDW when Weed seemed so much like a re-write of GNG.

But ya, if you are reading this it would be nice to know why you keep reading my boring blog?
To be honest I would have to say that if someone else was writing a similar blog than mine I would not read it because my life is super boring and I don't like to read about boring stuff. I'm just having hard time to believe that you have the energy even to open this page when you people could be talking and chatting with your friends on Skype or Discord or whatever you people like using atm.
In fact, I do have my own Discord server if you people wanna chat with me. Hit me with a comment if you want the URLs.
Yours.
Varjokani

About next week?

It has been kinda weird to be home after the course. Next week will be a course week again. Then I should have gotten an internship. I m still a bit nervous about that. But gladly I have super awesome classmates who are there to support me and help me out.

Last weeks

I've been really busy lately. Okay, I admit I might have had time in afternoons/evenings after the courses I've been taking but after leaving the house to get to morning bus at 7:25 and returning home somewhere around or after 5pm I just don't have the energy required to do anything else but to either try avoiding sleep by watching Netflix, or playing WOW or just giving it in and sleeping. These next weeks I should have more time because Im now taking a break from the course. During these two weeks, I should try to find myself a job training place. I m a bit nervous because I m scared for two things. Firstly what If no one wants me? Second is what if two places want me and I pick the "wrong place." I want a place where I can feel safe because I have a human phobia and social anxiety and panic attacks from the slightest signal that someone does not like me. That is still haunting me after being bullied at school.

But ya. I will try to start sending e-mails during this weekend to the places in hope of a job where I can hopefully sketch and draw stuff. I kinda wanna apply for video game making companies but I don't know how to code and I don't think they have the time or resources to train me. I wish they would because I love learning new things and I really want this work training session to work so I could learn something during it.

I've managed to not get panic attacks during the class and all thanks to me being allowed to carry my raccoon hug buddy/backpack with me.  I've done lots of self-observation studies lately and I've learned that having something that you can hug and protect while in a panic attack or flashback episode it really helps me to cope and tricks my brains into thinking that I have a child that needs protecting. I know it sounds silly and stupid and makes me sound like a lunatic. Well, guess what. The kind of people who bullied me at school are the reason for me being "crazy". Like I have this phobia and this thing that makes my brains think that everyone is out there to get me and hurt me and I m in mortal danger every time I step out from the house. And my brains keep thinking that every person is a potential danger.

Remember kids; If you keep harassing and bullying people and stalking them just to make yourself feel better about yourself you make the world full of people who fear and hate you and you make people unable to ever trust anyone or anything.

Kya owo what is this?

Can we just discuss what happened to DeviantArt's clear theme?
Yes I m sure the new one looks just fine on mobile (haven't tested that out yet because I just woke up and decided to open my computer...) But wait. I took me a while to realize that I did not misspell the URL. The new URL looks so weird. And so creepy.
Also, why did my shift key just did not wanna work a second ago? OwO what is this? I m so confused right now?
Also, I m considering if I should just start posting this flarg to Tumblr because no one except my irl best friend and a stalker is reading this page. Lol.
Then again I don't mind it being just my irl best friend reading this. But a creepy stalker not so much.
And why Im telling you this is I kinda wanna interact with users. I would switch back to vlogging but We have been having roof repairs all day long and I don't wanna flarg the audio up.

Aaand today I m feeling enough of #badhairday to not open the camera and posting to tube anywaays. Also loading good quality vids takes foreeveeer. And I hate my own face. Maybe I should make a post and discuss my low self-esteem again. For some reason discussing and posting about my feelings here helps me to understand myself better and helps me to analyze all the stuff going on my head. I warmly recommend posting a blog to anyone who is feeling like they don't know what to do and how to deal with all the mess on their heads.

Like seriously, this just typing what comes to my mind and went about stuff. Its damn relaxing and damn addicting. I recommend it. Yes, I also know that there is a limit of what I can rage here but I still enjoy doing it. It helps me clear my mind.

But ya. Also, there is the point of me starting a new job-related club activity soon. After being at home I  feel a bit nervous and shy about it. I'm also having bit mixed feelings if I should take Pocky with me because I don't wanna be the "weird kid", but then again no way I m going in there without something to hug if a panic attack strikes out of the blue. It is not like any of the people are there to hug me and help me to calm down when they most likely will just be the reason Im stressed out the first place.
Also note to myself; Clean your fucking keyboard. I just noticed how much dust there is between the keys. Maybe that is the reason for all of the lags. Also an other reminders;
-Do art
-Write the damn fanfic
-Kiss a raccoon

Last warning

I kinda wanna start writing either a fanfic or song lyrics.
So you guys have been warned.

Summerheat and heavy medicines?

I might be just being paranoid but I feel like because of the heat I feel like my depression medicines are making me feel like I was drugged. And I dont like this feeling at all. I quit taking my adhd pills because I felt so numb and unable to think or feel anything. And now I just feel like I was drunken again.. Even I m not. I feel just bit dizzy and feel like I wanna just go tell stupid jokes on people to annoy on them and so I can go to snicker behind the nearest tree and pretend to be funny.
But then I'm also smart enough to not do anything like that. Instead of it I m just sitting here in my room and taking naps and chatting with only people that I trust know me and wont judge me even if I act weirdly.

Okay lets put this nicely and ask a simple question;

What the flarg you think you would find from here?
Something to get insulted or sad?
Why would you not try Tumblr or Reddit instead to get offended?

Just out of curiosity. Why do you people keep reading this blog?
It is not like anything interesting happens in my life so why you so curious? It is kinda giving me the creeps when I know people read this and never reply anything on my posts.

And no, I cant make you any good quality vids on Youtube or to Twitch because people are still fixing our roof and the banging noises would butcher your ears so I m not making any streams till its over. So I m kinda using this as a spare tool to communicate and pour my heart out when Youtube and Twitch are out of the question.

Unless you want to get ear-killing-stream with all construction noises with it. That too would require you to  post a comment here so..
But ya:

"Mitä flarg sää luulet täält löytäväs? Kerro se mulleki. Muaki kiinnostaa mitä nii kiinnostavaa tääl on. uwu"

Walking

I went for a short walk again. I think I m making a progress here, but then again I still feel half-dead after scootering to the icecream truck day before yesterday. For some time I tough I was gonna get a heart attack and die. But here I'm still alive. Though I think I should start taking daily walks again. Well, as long as there ain't no rain or thunder I think I might even be able to do that. I will be keeping you posted. Even for the love of Rocket raccoon, I can't understand how anyone has actually energy and interest to read these posts. I myself find these really boring. Sorry. I will try to write about something interesting next time. Maybe. I dunno for sure because I use this kinda channel to vent my feelings.

The feeling when you can just watch or close your eyes

It kinda hurts my soul and burns deep in my heart to see when people keep doing stuff that they know is bad for them. There was this one person I mentioned earlier about who needed help with people skills and I could not help them and I told them to search for help elsewhere and I blocked him from everywhere.

First I wanna apologize if talking about this hurts anyone. And I don't want to insult anyone or hurt anyone. I just wish there was something that could be done to this situation to stop it from getting any worse. And at the moment I feel so worried and so lost. I just wish someone out there could help this person out.


Well. I just found a long Twitter topic about him on Twitter telling that he had been annoying dozen of people on Telegram. Eventually, he seemed to join the topic and telling that he was sorry. Of curse he was. I believe he was. But this ain't the first time he has crossed the line with people. I had to ban him twice from my Telegram group within a week because of similar behavior. I know he has mental problems and he probably can't help it but just snap and I'm sure if he was able to understand other people's pain he would not have done stuff. I also lowkey wanna add here the weird stuff that this same guy told my friend about my other friend. How he has been "Thinking a lot about the length growth spree of my other friend and fantasizing about it." even both of my friends are under age and other of my friend does not like being tall at all. The thing is I know this person has at least  Aspergers and maybe some mild mental retardation and he is 28 years old and he lives with his sister. I also know he is not a bad person. Not in a way that he wants to be bad or evil. Or at least I hope so because he told me he just wished he had friends when I was on talking terms with him.

I have met someone bit like him before so I know that he does not mean to harm people. Okay he does, because it's his way of channeling his feelings and when he talks rude shit to people he feels better because he feels that people deserve being mean to because people are mean to him.  I kinda see it as a cry for help. But the worst part is that he is too shy to get actual help. He does not want to tell his sister anything that happens online because he does not want to have a fight with her. To him, the internet is a safe space to escape all the stress of the real world. And there I can relate to him. I too use the internet as a channel to relax and feel safe.

But the thing I m worried about is that if he keeps verbally abusing people and lying then afterward just that "People are meant to me and making shit up".. maybe because during his anger snaps he completely just does not either remember what he just did or does not want to remember the feeling like people are cruel and against him with no reason. But I'm worried that if he keeps making people feel annoyed he will soon be either alone with no friends or getting hauled into court for defamation or stuff.  Like I know that I 've been stupid and talked a really rude way of people and hurt people and I m sorry for it.  I don't wish to talk bad about this person either.  I just want to tell you how I see this all.


At the moment I'm just feeling worried about him and I wish there was a way to bust him to his sister so he could get help from someone who could teach him bit people skills before he messes it up big time. I was thinking of calling it in myself but I don't think the police of Finland can do much when a person lives in the UK. I also know that if I was smart I would just close my eyes and ignore everything so I would not get dragged down with whatever it is.

But like I m feeling really sick and bad because as I m seeing it this person is burying themselves in the dirt of shitpile made of insulting people and then lying to people to get away with it and then finding new people to annoy and insult.


Like when I talked with him he was able to recognize a pattern of him feeling bored and lonely and when he tried to talk to people while bored people soon got angry on him and he did not understand at all why. I told him that maybe it was because he was not able to read people which he replied "I don't need to read people. I read books." which to me tells a lot. This person needs help. But I can not help them. Mostly because I don't have so good social skills either. But I just wish this person would get help before things get any worse for him.


I don't want anyone to go witch-hunting him or being mean on him. I know from experience that people who can't see what they cause won't stop being mean and act stupid if you get mad on them. They need someone to be nice and understanding to them. And someone to explain to them what they are doing is wrong, the same way one would explain to 5 years old.  And I think maybe it would also work best if the person in teaching had an actually studied license for it. Like a doctor or a psychiatrist.

But ya. Ben, if you are reading this; I wanna say that I'm sorry that people are mean to you but they just feel unsafe around you. And I think you really should talk to your sister and get some help before you hurt someone else any more or before you hurt yourself. Please be a smart boy and get help.

Here is the actual Twitter thread that caught my attention.

Eww get off mee!

Ya. Like seriously. Lol. I just wanted to have a nice quick jog session outside but then it literally started raining cats and dogs out outside. Better yet it cut all the powers down so I could not finish this post during the day.
My thunder headache seems to be getting worse by the years. Like now I literally feel like I was drugged and I m unable to think clearly. And I dunno if I can take it anymore if this pressure keeps hanging in the air. It feels like it is eating my mind and my brains numb.
I m starting to suspect if there is something wrong with my brains since I m so allergic to this. I start to feel Im unable to live a normal life during summertime if this thundering keeps up messing my brains.

I got mega pissed of and actually tried to get drunken to test if it felt any different if I was actually a drunken state with this. Funny story; after drinking I could think normally and felt normal. The only downside was that after drinking I felt dizzy and my head felt like I was spinning around to make my balance -tracking parts in my brains killed. And I felt horrible. The good side was that I was able to think about what I wanted to do and felt like I was myself again and now I know that I m not imagining that my brains react strongly to pressure on the air and to the thunder. I also know that it is not use if I m wasted. Then Im able to think about what to do and how I want to spend the day but I can't do anything.

But the time I think if there is another way to render out the effects of the thunder out of my head. But now I m sleepy.. even I did sleep during the day. I guess I m still not fine after the silly experiment I had with rum earlier today.

But ya. I dunno what to do with this? All I know that doctors and scientists do not know what is causing the thundering headache.. But I wonder if this is something else because now I feel that my thunder headache is becoming "Thunder hangover" and "thunder dizzyness" along with the headache. I literally felt the as I did during that time day after a party at friend's house when I had drunk too much liquor ( I dunno even if I spelled it right but like Baileys and stuff.)
I normally do not drink at all. I have only tried drinking at a friend's place. But ya. If you are reading this and you also have a weird headache during the thunderstorm feel free to comment and share because I feel completely lost and alone with this thing.

I dunno if it is anything relevant but I also have had multiple infections in my hears as a kid.

Stupid bun bun

For some reason, I feel sleepy again. Even I think I did get a good sleep. Or maybe it is the depression that makes me feel tired of everything. I still have zero ideas about what I even want to do with my life. I kinda wanna do streaming but people are currently fixing the roof so there is constant banging noise in the air and I don't want it to the stream.  Im currently thinking of doing some stream without the mic on. Let's see if I get enough energy and the courage to stream.
I kinda m scared if people to know the secret; me being ugly and stupid. Lol. Or at least the person switch I usually use when I feel relaxed that I call Varjokani is really stupid and childish.

Quick post

Sorry. Its again over midnight and I should already sleeping but
I just wanted to share you one fun pic before I go to bed. So basically I was shopping for gifts from friends for their birthday parties and found some old school Nintendo game and this is the first thing I did with it. I feel so proud of myself right now.

GnG: Lesson of the day?

How does the dog say woof in Japanese?
Ben trying to teach Gin how to say woof and John laughing at them.
Click here too see it. This is so funny.  I just keep replaying the part where they bark. It is so cute. <3
Here the whole vid:

すみません、私は日本語が話せません。あなたがこれを読んでいるならば、私はあなたがこれを理解していることを望みます。そうだといい。このミュージカル/演劇のドラマステージショーはすごいね。ジンはとてもかわいいです。赤目はハンサムです。ベンがジンに吠える方法を指示し、ジョンがすべてであるとき、私はそれが面白いと思う、「あなたは両方ともそれで悪いです」。それならジンは壮大な吠え声を見せます！ <3 。銀牙 - 流れ星銀は私の子供時代の壮大な物語でしたが、他の子供たちはポケットモンスターとジェームズボンドの映画を見ました。私は一般的なミュージカルの大ファンでもあります。私はこれのDVD版になるつもりですので、私はそれを購入し、それを見ることができますし、自宅のフィンランドからそれを楽しむことができます。すべてのキャストメンバー、スタッフ、マネージャー、そしてこのショーを可能にしたすべての人たちに、大きな抱擁をしてください。私はとても誇張していて幸せです、そして私はいつかそれを見るのを待つことができません。楽しい一日を。 - フィンランドのバルジョカニ/シャドウラビット。

Summer

Weirdass dreams

For some reason, I had a horrible nightmare again.
It started like a dream I had had multiple times. For some weird-ass reason, I had to go to the old school I used to go as a kid and most of the people who were just standing there and watching when I was bullied when I was there. They were my classmates again. I have had this weird and creepy dream too many times to me to ignore it anymore.

Well, this time the teachers got pissed on me because in the dream I had been on a summer camp earlier on and seen a bombing and lived to tell about it. I don't remember the details but it had something to do with all the other people in Finland hating Israel except me. The teacher told my classmates to end me and they grabbed a gun from somewhere which was super weird because of just a half hour of earlier we were just all watching Lion king theory videos from Youtube. 

And because for some reason calling 112 or 911 in the dream universe does not work I somehow hacked to my teacher's computer and started to stream the situation on Twitch and was begging people to call to the police but apparently no one did. I do remember one of my friends hosting the stream and then shutting it down completely.  After that, I tried to escape with all the childhood art that was still in the classroom for some reason and managed to get lost in the maze of pipe organs weird classmate-looking people still trying to stab and shoot at me.

I remember managing to escape from most of them but getting alarmed by some random girl I never had seen before. And a flarging Minecraft Chichen. That is the last clear memory of my dream before I was rammed over by pipe organs and sharp corners of glass windows and woken up in the real world feeling cold.

The damn little girl and a Minecraft chicken.


At the moment I do know two things. I'm scared of studying anything or doing anything because I don't want to be the weird kid that gets bullied again. And I m sad how sometimes I feel that whole Finland is blind to the situation on Israel.  I still don't get where is that weird-ass semi-automatic pipe organs coming from.

Like they operate with a small sized ball running on a track of notebooks which presses the keys as it moves so it somehow plays the music. Sometimes it also moves figurine dolls so if you follow the ball's route you can actually watch full-length movies with it.
I dunno. Some mechanical versions of Windows movie player maybe?

But ya. I just wanted to write this down before I forget it like always.
I still feel a bit dizzy and confused and maybe bit scared because I still have zero ideas why did I see a similar dream of me trying to get to some class with my former classmates from the age I was 10.

I do remember the other dream I had last night. I was at some kind of animal park with both live and stuffed animals. I could not enjoy it at all in my dream because in my dream I was harassed by some kind of sleep paralysis synthoms and I could not move my hands. I remember at one point that I was visited at some of mom's old friend's by some army flight jets just landing on a pond and asking me and my mom if we were ready to go to dine in some fancy restaurant. I don't remember so much about the theme of this dream. Except, again I was feeling super stressed about some trouble that was disturbing my normal life and was getting panic attacks out of it. If I recall correctly I somehow made friends with some weird animal which was supposed to be dead but it was coming back to life. If I recall correctly it was a white tiger/Lynx/raccoon hybrid. I just petted it and told it would be okay and it kept regrowing its limbs from the bones it found from the area. Again I was too stupid to run from talking zombie animal. But I was haunted by some skeleton humanoid demon creatures which wanted to hurt me so I was happy to have anything to talk with while trying to avoid losing the rest of my mind.


And sorry for really confusing text. I dunno if anyone is able to make any sense or even understand a word that I just wrote down. I just woke up and still feel half asleep. I'm not even 100% I'm really awake and that this is the real world after all. Maybe I'm still asleep. Well if this is the case and I'm still a sleep I m happy that no weird stuff is happening to me so far and no one wants to either kill me or abuse me or use me or hurt me in any way. But I do miss the feeling of having someone to talk with.

Fading memories of Viikka and rest of the family

It is so funny and weird and kinda sad how I just realized how memories fade away.

Like how I can't remember the faces of people anymore. I still can remember the faces of people who used to bully me as a kid. Or at least some of them even I haven't seen them in years, and Im sure they are changed for what they used to look like when I was 1-3 grades at school. 

The worst part is that I could not remember my old "family members" like Viikka and Bigwig clearly no more. I did find an old photo of my rabbits Bigwig and Tom Tom from my old diary and I ended up crying for a while. I still miss my little rabbit babies. But then even I have seen photos of Viikka, my family's late dog I feel that whenever I think of him I can't remember the face so clear and I usually end up thinking of some other same breed dogs I 've met instead of his face.

And it kinda makes me feel sad. I did hate the dog because the dog and I had hard competition on the matter of mom's affection and mom's limited time. But once he became ill and I was taking care of him I think we made peace and were a family... Even that time only lasted for couple weeks before his death. I still find it odd how I can't remember what someone looked like even I did live with them on the same house for multiple years. 

It feels scary and I almost want to cry. 

But then again maybe I'm just over processing this situation. 

But the one thing I can learn from this is that I'm gonna shoot a lot of pics of Zorro Veli and Weedi so I won't forget them. I don't want to forget my family...

Another scary tough. I don't remember my mom's face in a way that she used to look like when I was small. But I know she looks different and lots older every day. And it makes me worry. Because I don't want to lose her either. I feel like my human addiction has something to do with me being neglected and abandoned as a child so I 've literally had everything taken away from me and I've literally been all alone in the universe. So I don't want it to happen again. Even I don't remember it. My body seems to be able to remember it. 

Crossovers? UWU

Why m I already writing fanfic about these 3 idiots?
 I just bought Marvel VS CAPCOM 3 from Steam summer sale and I just keep laughing so hard for these combos. Also, I love how well Rocket plays with tall females. It makes great combos.

The only thing that I don't love is my weak internet connection. I tried to play online pvp and for the same reason, I had troubles in other online games I noticed I had similar problems there. The engine did not have enough power to transmit my movements to the server and to the game fast enough to me being able to fight at all. I still had great fun.

Now I'm thinking whatever I should also buy Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite just for the sake of story mode and more crazy silly crossovers to play with.

I do love crossovers and fanfics. Also I found this "Furry and Dangerous" title really funny

Edit:
Someone stop me this is getting out of hand:

News from Kaksoissola

So, as you guys know I 've been hanging out on this one GNG forum for months to get any news from the upcoming stage show.
I read about this yesterday but I was way too hyped to sit down and write about it.

Apparently, it is a stage show that contains music and dancing

They added short vid on their Twitter page to show some clips from the rehearsals:
https://twitter.com/i/status/1144549280931127298

Also, at least the person who plays Akame actually does music himself too so yes for singing GNG dogs!

I myself fell in love with GNG as a kid, and as an adult, I loved the Finnish GNG and GDW musicals, so I'm so hyped for this one. The only thing I m quite sad now is that those official DVDs they are selling are quite a high prize and it seems I would have to go there myself and order one from the spot.

I could always try to copy this myself and bake some GNG themed goodies at home to cheer myself up.
Apparently, it is a collaboration Dorayaki with the long-established Japanese-style confectionery shop "Sweet Pastor Yakutoro" in Akita Prefecture, which is the setting for "Ginga-Shooting Star Gin-." Original branding with the image of a scratch on the silver forehead.

At the moment the official stage show web page claims the following about the DVD release.

★ DVD release decision! ★ Stage "Ginkang-Shooting Star Silver-" ~ hen Hen ~ DVD release has been decided! We will accept reservations at the reservation booth in each performance hall lobby. If you make a reservation, you will receive a "postcard set (2 sheets)" at the time of product withdrawal as a venue limited reservation privilege. ※ Passing the venue limited reservation benefits is for those who made a reservation at the venue. ※ We do not get reservation deposit. Please check with the staff at the reservation booth for how to make a reservation. ・ Release date: January 2020 ・ Price: 8,000 yen + tax ・ Product number: NPDV-2001

Again super hyped and I hope I can get one of them into my rabbit paws so I can watch it with friends and enjoy with them.


Also, I could mention the other thing that I read from the forum. This is where I'm supposed to slap huge spoiler warning from the Ginga Densetsu Noah rumors so
*BLAM* 
You are warned so here it goes; apparently when Hyena has been dead for years and people or more specifically said the dogs of the GNG universe have seen his ghost shit seems to get real with Noah who somehow seems to have Hyena's memories or at least I just read that while Noah meets some dogs from GNG pack he gets some memories rushing through him about Hyena's death.

So either he was there just hanging out and laughing his as of when Hyena fought Sniper alone making Noah the biggest stalker and coward in the GNG universe, or then Noah is Hyena who somehow is again alive and he just was dead for couple 10 years and just woke up one morning saying "Oh wait I'm not in the Sky with Riki anymore.. Well time to Find Gin and friends and go say hello." Or then Hyena somehow decided that he had so important message from Riki that he had to possess some random dog and go to find GNG crew. Maybe he knows about some blooming catastrophe and came to warn the good guys for it. The only problem is that since his (Hyena's) memories merged with Noah Hyena forgot the mission he originally had and Noah is only now re-remembering shit.

Whatever is the case here I can't find out to hear more. Either way, its gonna be flarg good and interesting plot to follow and I think I will hang out in Kaksoissola for some more interesting updates of the plot. Big thanks to Urumi and Houndy for keeping the site alive and breathing. And big thanks to all awesome people who post cool stuff there. Big hugs from Varjokani.

Rain falls down ..

Ya, I barely managed to have 1 kilometer of fast walking when I was forced to turn back because of the rain.

I used to think that because I lived in the countryside the rainwater would be pretty pure and drinkable but now when I'm wiping my glasses clean from the stains it caused I'm seeing how dirty the rain actually makes everything. I can clearly see dirt in my glasses after just the normal rain.
It was still refreshing but I did take a hot shower after that because I did not trust the rainwater to clean me enough. I was planning to do some shopping today and maybe some cooking, but now I m feeling soaked enough that I think I will just curl at home with my laptop and try to play some Minecraft.

Apparently, the pigman bug is somewhat fixed and they don't stay mad at you. At the moment it is at the level that my trap for pigmen does not work at all because they don't stay mad.

I would be interested to meet the trader again, or maybe some villagers to get that sweet lapis lazuli to enchant some stuff for my friend Daniel the rabbit, who is also playing this game with me.

I'm sorry for being a rude trash panda - Maybe someday things will go better - my well being -

So apparently skipping my daily wannabe-jogging-fast-walking sessions for a week was not a good idea. I tried to actually jog for 2 mins and now I keep trying to throw up and my throat is hurting like a flarg. Seriously. I just had to run to the bathroom to throw up. At the moment I wanna remind myself to never try jogging again for a while but same time I know that I will have to try to save myself and try to exercise before I get even worse...

To be honest I dunno if there is worse than this. Okay I know for psychic yes there is. But at the moment I've got a feeling that my mental health is far worse than I 've let even myself believe. I was just talking with someone who I know irl and they told to me that my "Rocket Raccoon behavior acting" has gotten worse and I've been doing it more lately.  I think it might have something to do with the fact that I m learning to recognize it and I still don't know how to control it because I don't even know what is causing it.

At the moment it seems it seems to be some over-reacting self-defense mechanism that triggers whenever I feel any emotional overloads of any kind.  It seems to activate both when I myself feel sad or unhappy or when someone else is feeling unhappy and I can't help them to feel happy.

I feel like the side of my brains that recognizes another person's pain just twists and makes me say horrible and rude things to shoo everyone away from me and tries to make sure that everyone else feels as miserable and panic and horrified as I feel myself.

Well, the good thing at the moment is the fact that I m aware that I have issues I might be able to try to work with them. Now I only wish I could realize when I'm having issues I could snap out of it before I go being rude on anyone around me. And to those, I've been rude I wanna say that I m really sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry that you had to suffer because of my own self-control issues over myself. I m trying to learn to control my anger and my tongue for better. I never want to hurt anyone or anything again. 

It all might have something to do with the fact that I myself have ADHD and since I was a child I was never allowed to feel anger or any kind of negative feelings towards anyone.  I was always told to behave and be nice to others. I'm not sure but that might have a partial reason why now when I have been angry I don't know how to deal with such amount of negative emotions and so much pressure.
I tend to snap full Rocket raccoon mode to make sure everyone else stays away from me because I feel scared of everything around me, even my friends keep telling me there is nothing to be even afraid of.

I know it does not excuse me and give me any reason to talk or write rude stuff or snap-on anyone. And I'm sorry for it. I promise I will work on it and try to be the best version of myself that I can ever be. I know I will most likely fail because there are lots to me to learn about controlling my own emotions, especially when I have tendencies to be impulsive and hyperactive and mostly just say or do stuff without actually thinking if its nice or not. Especially then when my own filter that is supposed to keep me checked somehow snaps off and I m unable to think anything straight.

I don't wanna fall anymore deep in this flarg. I wanna become a happy, healthy and stable adult who people can hang without hating me and feeling like I'm crazy and mean on them on purpose. Or doing anything that makes anyone feel annoyed.

Then again I will have to work the other end too. I have had tendencies to please people and give up on my own well being on the cause of others feeling better. That is partially the reason why I'm such a huge mess.

But I promise I will try to be a better person and I will keep on trying to study myself to be able to recognize the bad sides of me so I can someday get rid of them.

Some times I feel like I'm the worst of all, but luckily I got such awesome friends who are always supporting me and telling me when I fail at stuff so I can try to fix it. Like seriously, my friends, you mean so much to me and I can never repay you your kindness and the fact that you love me even I sometimes act like a trash panda.

I also hope that I will get rid of my human phobia. Because now even I love to talk with people I m in constant fear that someone might just jump out of bushes and hurt me. Even I know I'm safe. I still feel unsafe for no reason. And I get panic attacks for no reason at all and just feel afraid of my own shadow.

I could do something useful or then just no

Hello again. Sorry for not posting here for a while. I've been "busy.." meaning I've been playing Minecraft with a friend who was staying at my place. He left back to his own house yesterday, but somehow he made me get excited about Minecraft's different modpacks so I ended up playing them till yesterday till midnight. Heheh. I know, rip my sleeping schedule but hey, at least I did something creative with my time. I dunno if one can call just running around in circles and planting and chopping trees as creative but at least I had fun.

The most interesting pack I found yesterday from the Twitch launcher was called Volcano Block. What makes it interesting is the fact that there, in the beginning, you have to stab yourself on the leg with a wooden knife to rip your own flesh out to get some bone mail to make the grass grow better. It is so creepy and bizarre that one can only get a lowkey shock reaction out of it and laugh for it.

Today I was planning to try both to play some Minecraft and test out some new modpacks and to go out for a jog later on since I got my new pedometer. The only downside is that my over sensitive stupid skin does really not take the heat so well and I easily feel like getting overheated and dehydrated and my brains feel like melting down.

I also notice how quiet and empty our big house is after my friend is back at his own house. I kinda miss him already.

Also fun fact that I forgot to mention earlier on. My friend is the only outsider that Zorro does not freak out with. Zorro even lets my friend pet himself and kept massaging and pushing his small cat head on my friend's leg. Like Zorro does not even let my oldest best friend get anywhere near him. He always hides whenever she comes to my place. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my friend is creeped out by cats and is terrified to Veli wich Zorro can relate to.

Also, Weedi seems to be doing okay. Even he is still being a bit too brave with his leg since he just got out a couple days ago for the first time in almost a month. I fear he might injure it again and I think he already did since I saw him act out like he was again in pain. But today he seems to be fine. At least he had enough energy to come to grab all leftovers from Zorro and Veli's food they had for the morning.

I myself feel fine too, except I'm a bit nervous about the future. I m gonna go to this club meeting for people who don't have a job again. I hope they will be able to help me out and support me with my bad self-esteem and help me to trust my own skills and dare me to do more to get a job.
But for today I think I m just gonna take it easy on chill.

Birthday whats that?

Wii. Happy late Birthday to me. Yes, I turned 25 years yesterday, and I m happy to report that I still don't have any age crisis or anything. I m still able to enjoy life playing video games with friends and being silly as ever.

While I know I m not a child no more I still know that it does not change me as a person. I'm still me and I m able to feel the happiness of the same things I used before. And it makes me super happy.
Also, I'm happy that my private furry chat is full of only nice people again.
The only downside is that the person that I kicked out is trying to be chummy and nice with my friend. I would not normally even notice it unless my friend was a sleepover at my place and if we were not having gaming sessions next to each other. So when that person spams my friend I can see it and I know that my friend is a bit tired of it also.
But he is trying to be nice and I respect him.

Minecraft Pigmen are still trying to get us even we did nothing to them... Okay, I did something to them. I built a rabbit burrow to the area so they can't hurt me but I can stab them in a leg. But other than that they still should leave my friend alone.


Im also super happy that I finally got  Huawei Watch GT wrist band so I m again able to trace my daily routes and exercise and keep track of my sleeping patterns. The new wrist band told me the fact I already knew though. I have something wrong with my ability to sleep a deep sleep.
It also says that it might to do something with stress or depression which I have both of them. I m currently slowly downloading all the updates on it because it for some reason demands that I will download one update on it after the other one.

Also, I think I will need to google if I can actually wear this while swimming. Yes, I know it says it has swimming tracking support, but it looks way too fancy to be taken into the water.

Pigmen creepers and the actual creepers online

So today it was finally time to go to the hospital for new tests about if I have cancer-causing bacteria and I was really nervous because last time it had failed because it was too painful prosses to deal with. This time the tests were taken by skilled doctors instead of a noobish nurse who had no idea what she was doing. The doctors even gave me something to numb my body to ease the pain.

I was so relieved to learn that at least the doctors were not able to see anything wrong with my body. Also, they managed to take the samples. And they told me they will contact me only if there was something wrong with me. I also got an official letter from that one group meeting that I m gonna start in August. I m gonna fill the forms for it later because today I was too busy relaxing and playing Minecraft with my irl friend, that by the way is staying currently at my place. He is so sweet and kind person. He even brought me flowers. I might have a crush on him. 

It seems that in the current version of Minecraft the pigmen are bugged and they will lash on everyone at random. Also, the old mob traps no longer function the way they used to. And Creepers are capable to explode even they aren't supposed to see me.

Me and annoying people

Hi. Long time no see. I have been too busy to play Minecraft and hang out with friends to post here.
Also Ive been struggling with something.
Lets just say that because I literally got panic attacks and got burnout because one person who had some kind of diabilities and I tried to fix him and help him to learn people skills. He was not so keen to learn and it ended up in a fight because he or me could not understand each others at all.
Well now Ive met someone else with similiar disabilities and even that person does not mean to be mean or cruel I still feel like Im damn allergic to their actions. Like to me that person seems really rude and selfish and trying to be with that person is really hard. Even I m only with him one online chat.
But I can see he he struggles to read humans or understand hows to not behave like total asshole.. And I know that it would take someone to teach him how to behave not to be a total unskilled annoying kid.. Even he is an adult. But like after all I have been done I m not keen on  trying to teach anyone again. Specially when this person is not even willing to accept that they dont have human skills at all.

At the moment I feel like I just wanna yell at them and call go full Rocket Raccoon mode on them to keep them away from me.  I already snapped at him once yesterday that caused my other friends telling me they did not enjoy the chat at all if I snap on people like that.

But I'm just so annoyed. Specially when I already kicked that person once out because they were super rude. While kicked they tried to threat me to add them back and said they will do self harm if not added back. Other people asked me to give this person a change and when they came back first thing they did give snark comments on me misstyping stuff when I tried to tell him he had only one change to be nice again or I would kick him again.

And like  I know its all because  he has disability so he cant read people, but there is a limit how much annoying and selfish prick I can handle hating everything I hold dear before I snap at them. And feel full of hatred towards that person.

Now I m unsure what to do.

Deep analyzing about my behaviour yesterday while playing Minecraft - What happens in my head when I get stressed or annoyed

Yesterday was a really fun and interesting day on so many levels. My best friend since I was 5 came to my place and we watched some Guardians of the Galaxy Mission breakout from Netflix. Afterward, we schemed some ideas for a birthday present for his boyfriend. For our bad, he seemed to smell it coming because he had put both his Steam account and Origin account into a private mode so neither of us could not see his wishlists. Major setback for our part. We know he loves gaming and likes to play video games but we don't have any ideas of what to buy to him. Usually, when he finds a game he wants he buys it before someone else can.

But he is such a great friend and he always gives me so cool gifts that I want to give him something nice in return. I tried to query him what he would want as a present and he gave me no answer. He also made me realize that it is actually my birthday a day after his and asked me what I wanted. And yes, I really know why he is not giving me any answers; I really don't know what I want either.
The "newish" Sims 4: Fame -addon seems nice and yes they are publishing some new Addon for Sims on 21th day, which is my birthday but still I dunno if I even want them. Too bad I don't know any semi-open world game where you can look like Rocket Raccoon and just run around.. Oh wait there is one but it is only for VR. My bad. I kinda just want to let go of all stress and pretend I'm Rocket.

So I kept thinking and browsing for stuff till my other friend asked me to play Minecraft with him. I haven't played that game in ages, also the fact that I m so bad at that game. Yea, it did not take me so long at all to a) get lost and b) die in that game. I soon found myself getting really angry at myself and I dealt that like every grown up person would do;
/gamemode creative typed in chat and getting myself stuff to sell to the villagers so I could get a new watch. By the time I had enough emeralds to do the trade, I realized no one in our village would sell me a watch so I just took one from the inventory. After that, I did the usual deed I always do when I'm feeling down and playing Minecraft. I spawned the whole place full of rabbits. And because I'm a sore loser I had already made rules on the server that no one is allowed to kill or harm the rabbits on purpose. So where does this leave us? My Minecraft server being permanently laggy with a bunch of bunnies running around. I do feel bad for everyone who uses it. But luckily its just for me and my trusted friends and they are already gotten used to the fact that me failing at Minecraft equals a dozen rabbits popping up all around till the world crashes. The person I was playing with was a rabbit fan too and at least he told me he was super happy for the "lil" surprise I gave him. And he is not a lying type so I believe him.

This, however, shows to me as a person that I indeed still have the tendency to rewind back into being a really childish and annoying brat when I feel bad or sad about something. And it is definitely something that I will have to work out to get rid of if I ever want to be stably grown up without panic attacks and mood swings caused by them so I can't function normally for an hour or even rest of the day.

I'm really lucky to have such good friends who don't kick me out of the group even I'm an annoying person some times. I try to learn to be less annoying and I work hard every day to be the best version of myself that I can to be.

And in my case, I think I might need to try work out for the rest of my day if I want ever to be the ideal me that everyone loves and makes everyone happy without making anyone feeling annoyed or making anyone wanna punch me in a face.

I know no one can be perfect but I m trying myself to be the best version of myself that I can.
I've already managed to do huge progress in a way that now I usually sense when I'm switching into Rocket raccoon mode and instead of letting it happen I have the change to get out of the situation or in a bad case tell people that I might be snapping at them soon and try then get away from the situation without ending up just calling everyone around me bad names or wanting to harm others.

 I've learned the fact that being angry or insulted are both feelings that I'm allowed to feel and the fact that I'm not been allowed to feel them in a healthy supported environment as a child might be partial cause why I snap and reverse from "I'm nice rabbit" to Rocket raccoon mode where I literally feel that I'm unable to care about anything. It is some kind of emotional overload that I think my brain uses to save me for more pain.

It also has something to do with adrenaline rush and survival instincts overreacting.
But I've learned that I have two bad habits. Either reversing back into a stupid annoying child or turning on that thing that I've been describing many times and that I call Rocket raccoon mode.

For me realizing and knowing there is a problem is the first step to being able to fix the actual problem. Now when I know where I do wrong I m able to try to train myself to do the right thing instead of giving up on any of these bad survival mechanism I have built during the years.

The most scaring thing to me is that I don't even know which of these switches is a more dangerous one. Both of them result in me not remembering clearly what I have done to hurt others in a way. When I rewind into the child level I'm somehow unable to understand anything. Everything feels confusing. The Raccoon one is making me unable to care anything or see anything besides the feeling that I need to fight something and throw a snarky comment on anything that tries to get anywhere close to me.

Worst to me is that I really don't want to hurt anyone or anything. At the moment there is like a couple person irl who know about this thing. Or whom I think are aware of it. And only two who dare to speak with me about it. And then there is only one who knows how to explain to me stuff so that I actually understand it.

I feel so ashamed of myself when I tell him stuff that happens and he points me out the obvious stuff and I'm like "why did I not see it?" I guess both of my switches are at least as bad at reading humans around me.

And the most annoying factor is that I usually switch when I'm stressed, scared, tired, annoyed, and some times even when I'm happy.  And all I know that its something my brain does partially as self-protection for preventing the complete meltdown.

That is the reason why I have noticed that I'm not able to cry so much as I used to. Whenever I feel like crying the switch happens and I'm either everything I hate about Rocket or then just looking at the world in big confusion like a baby rabbit that sees the world for the first time. And I hate both of them. I just want to be able to handle stress without any shield actions getting up on me and making me act "stupid" to put it nicely.

Edit:

I also noticed myself switching back to a really childish act when my friend said she might not be able to see me on my birthday. I think I managed to fix my act in time so I did not say anything stupid to her.

Also, I wanna point out that I've noticed that this self-awareness writing I've been doing for a while is really something that could actually help me to fix myself.

My training sessions and the great failure of yesterday

Today I did first running/jogging exercise for a while. It is a bitter fact that I have completely forgotten how to jog. I feel so ashamed of myself at the moment.
But same time I feel really proud of myself for doing it. My sad duty to report that I flarged up my diet. I ended up losing the fight just when I got myself lose some weight so I could feel it.
But there was Italian Bananasplit icecream on this one cafeteria and I just felt like I deserved it after being such a good rabbit and following my diet.

I felt such disappointment in myself when I was just able to drop my weight to 82.6 kg and it was back at 83.6 kg today. I felt almost like crying.

Also, I felt sad when I checked my old health software and realized I used to be so much skinnier. But at the same time, I feel happy because when I started this diet and going out thing I used to weight as much as 86 kg and that is like from just a  month ago so at the moment I really feel like a winner. Here is a short review of my daily fast walking session. I know I flarged it.

I still have no idea what the Huawei health app wanted out of me when it told me to "Twaddle".. Like what does that word even mean? I have no idea. 

Anyhows I might be posting another post later today because I feel like I might wanna chat and talk some more about some topics in my mind, but I'm trying to have bit self-control over myself and instead of making this another long post I might just do two separate posts about separate things in my mind. 

Trust issues

Today was really interesting. I listened to a short ceremony about the day when God sent the Holy Spirit to the people and saw a really tiny baby getting baptized. I was not prepared for that. But now as someone who has been bullied, I can only pray that this lil boy is not getting any of the same shit as I got as a kid.

Also, I noticed that my mom seems in secret wanting to be a grandmother and I kinda feel bad for her because I'm the only child and I don't have a man in my life. Besides, the only man that I've shown any interest lately is Rocket D'ast Raccoon. I dunno. Maybe it is because I  have a phobia for humans in a way that I m scared to let anyone near me because I think they could hurt me. Silly really because I know that Rocket could very well hurt me, or kill me taking if he was real and stuff. He is a canon sharpshooter who is not scared to use a gun to take someone down if they are a tiny bit annoying.

But like something about him being short and all makes me think I might be safe. Also, the fact that I can so strongly relate to his pain is something that makes me think him as someone I can relate to and understand at some levels at least. So I'm not scared of him. Or that is what I keep saying to myself. Another thing might be the fact that I know that Rocket is not gonna pop up anytime soon from behind the corner and make me answer for everything I feel for him. I know I'm safe from him trying to force me into anything that I'm not ready to do.

I m still a bit salty from my last relationship with a human I used to trust a lot. Before I met him I was sure I could never trust anyone nor feel anything towards anyone. But I liked his company and wanted to be near him. And he did promise me that he would "always" be there for me and wait till I was fully healed and grown-up mentally to have maybe kids and family with him in the future. But yea, "Always" is a long time.. and he grew tired of waiting. And more I got rid of my panic attacks he seemed to get them. Panic attacks I mean. I kinda feel like I'm to blame for it somehow but where I learned to control my human phobia and trust to go out when I was with him or someone else instead of fearing to go out at all he was getting more depressed and getting panic attacks.

I admit I said stupid shit back to him when I felt like he betrayed me. I know I was building too much my self-trust and trust in humans in general based on that he was there for me. I know now that I should just learn to trust myself at first before I can fix any phobias I have towards humans around me.

And I'm trying to build myself into being the best version of me that I can. I still struggle to trust my own skills enough to not be able to call anywhere looking for a job because my brains still keep telling me that no one will never ever wanna hire me. I know that that is a lie... Or maybe its gonna be true since I don't do anything useful. But either way. I know I will have to try to gain more trust in myself instead of looking for reasons to exist or being accepted by other people. Because the only person I can ever 100% trust is God. No human or animal is ever gonna be perfect.

I also know that if I would meet someone like Rocket raccoon he would be a super bad influence for me. And I would just end up either hurting him or myself or both. Because I feel like I hurt my ex because I was not ready to make kids for him.  I know I'm still blaming myself way too much for it. And I know that to be able to forgive myself it would be healthy for me to forgive for him too. And I claim that I have, but then every time when someone mentions his name I'm like "That damn traitor said he is gonna support me and be there for me but he did not keep his promise.. he is stupid I hate him."

..
So yea that's that for me being healed and acting like an adult. I still feel like I'm not ready for a new relationship of any kind before I fix all anger that is inside of me. I've managed to fool myself to think that I have let go of all the anger. But I still feel abandoned and betrayed.

On that though, I've read about child psychology about the matter. That since I was abandoned in the hospital by my mom straight after birth and put into one of those literally 100 babies in one room mass halls on Russia till I was one year old and adopted into Finland .. Well I've learned that this might also be a reason why I feel so strongly about being left alone and betrayed. As a small child, I've lost everything and everyone once in my life and it has already destroyed my small life as a child so I m terrified of the tough of being alone. That is maybe why I got so many of the issues of being left alone as a kid. I did not like it. I still don't like it if my parents won't come back to sleep at home during the night. I feel like if I'm able to watch them I could somehow protect them and keep them safe.

Stupid yeah I know. But I think that when I was a baby I've must have seen something. I dunno what, but I know I was terrified of humans and when I first learned what sex was for some reason I tough It was wrong and horrible and abuse and something that no man would ever be allowed to do to a girl. And I was terrified to learn it was okay.

I don't remember anything else but I just remember yelling at my mom saying "No way that's horrible and bad! Also, it hurts! No one should ever be hurt like that!"  I dunno.  Maybe when I gain enough courage I will try to find my real mom and ask her what the flarg happened. And why I have these things in my life. Truth to be told. I'm terrified to find out. And I'm scared that I might already be too late. I keep thinking in my head thoughts like; What if she is already dead? What if she does not want me? What if she hates me? What if she wants to hit me? What if she is dead and I can't save me? What if she does not like me because I'm Christian? What if she hates me? What if... Well you know. Or I dunno since I don't know anything about the people who read my blog. I've tried to ask but for some reason, people who read this blog never leave comments or any trace of being here. Except I do have the code installed here so I can follow how many IP hits I got during each day. I'm using it to make myself feel at ease because at one point I did get a bit jumpy since one person seemed to be checking this blog once per 20-30 minutes during the day even I usually post only once per day. So I could not find any reason for someone to check the front page so often for the new posts. At the moment I'm 99% sure about who he was and once I asked the person he did not reply, but the "stalking" seemed to stop, or at least it's not so aggressive and lunatic anymore. I still think that I'm not half as interesting person to anyone to even ever check this blog so I'm confused - happy - but confused about anyone who wants to read this. But I'm grateful if you want to read these posts because then at least someone listens to my toughs and cares... or at least I have someone to tell about the stuff that I keep thinking during the days.

And like any of you who have been reading my posts more than a week can tell, I do think a lot. Funny, how usually I think that I never think before I act. I'm a really impulsive person and I have so many common bad traits with Bigwig (From Watership Down), and Rocket (From GOTG) that I can't even count. But for some reason whenever I open this text editor and start typing the words just somehow flow into my mind. Without me having really to think about them and I sink into some kind of state of hyper-focusing or I dunno. Being a zombie.. and somehow the text just appears here without me even thinking anything. And somehow I at least myself feel that because of me writing stuff here I can somehow think clearer. Or at least I might be able to remember what I just thought a minute ago. Because usually I really don't think I can remember all that I think during the day.

But yea. I feel that I'm somehow torn apart between me wanting to be a mom and me not wanting to have anything to do with kids. It is funny. Yes, I'm a really loving and caring person until I snap into "Rocket Raccoon mode" as I keep calling it. Then I'm just unable to care and unable to love. Then I just want literally shoot a person or at least just watch them suffer in the ground. Then I feel like I enjoy seeing pain even normally I m not able to stand anyone near me in pain. If someone has the pain I wanna help them to get rid of it and protect people.

Also, I almost forgot but a funny thing happened today. I forgot my phone at home when I went to the church with my family. When I realized that I did not have my phone I started acting funny. I started speaking like a little child and talking and asking dad all stupid questions about the navigation system/ Map thingie on his car. I think I might indeed switch into "childish" mode when I'm stressed or scared enough. I think that it is my way of showing other people that I'm not dangerous and I don't want to fight...
Until I snap into Rocket Raccoon.

At least I've managed to recognize three different personalities, Varjokani; loving and caring and childish and happy, me; neutral and semi-friendly and Rocket Raccoon; the one who enjoys when others get shit hitting the fan or hurt.

And I'm really worried about the last one. My therapist, however, said that I should not worry since its normal to feel the need for being allowed to hate and being angry. It is something that has always taught being the horrible and wrong thing to do in my family. Besides after all as long as I m considering I still remember what I do even if my personality changes. According to my therapist, the part where I should start to get alarmed was if I would not be able to remember stuff that I did or said. As long as I can see what I'm doing and remember it later I should be just fine. But anyhow. I think I'm going to get some sleep and I will be back at writing here tomorrow. After all, I've always kept this as some kind of public personal diary where I post my toughs behind a nickname and try not to mention anything where someone could come behind my door and yell at me for something I said in real life.
So far it has worked great.

I feel dazzed like I was drunk or something..

Its still way too hot during day time but at least it seems to be calming down. I still feel bit weird in the head. Almost like I was drunken even I'm not. If this thing does not go away I think I will have to contact my doctor for it. At the moment I'm still suspecting that the heat and my medicines are just bad combo.

But I still have been managed to control myself that I havent done anything stupid besides feeling dizzy. I feel that I'm able to act quite normal, besides this funny feeling in my head. I feel like I was either hyper focusing all the time or then I was drinking alchohol. I usually get same feeling after drinking.

Usually I don't drink at all unless I'm at friend's and we have party. Then I might try alcohol. But when I'm home I'm usually sober. So I know that this weird dazzed feeling is not because of an alcohol. Unless someone put some boze on all water in the house including the one I bought from the Supermarket. That would be suspicious.

But not nearly as suspicious as the Netflix series called Happy! that I ve watched for some more. No, it still did not give me any answers on anything. It only gave me more questions. Appearently there is an evil demigod on the loose and he somehow controls weird flesh mutants that dress up in funny costumes to perform in kids show on their regular basis. Also for some reason now not only Nick could see happy but some random female living in a huge mansion and drinking glass of vine could see him too. The laws of imaginery friends are getting more weird. Or then the writers forgot what they were. I also feel that if the series keep getting more confusing and more dark I might just drop and stop watching it. Because usually I don't like stories where just everything goes wrong.
..
Or where people keep lying to each others to cause even more shit even they just established that thwy would not lie anymore. I dunno. Maybe it is because I'm hyper sensitive on some things but series where people keep lying and getting their life flarged because of it and they still keep lying and flarging their life just make me wanna go scream at them and call them  idiots. I dunno why. I know that it is supposed to be fun and comic to see people constaniously failing at their life but for some reason I can't enjoy it all.

For some reason I've been able to enjoy the Guardians of the Galaxy tv seires even there too people flarg their lives. But I think the main reason is that on GOTG cartoon people at least usually learn something about their mistakes and try to avoid the same mistakes and end up doing the new ones. But when someone keeps making the same mistake and flarging up their whole life situation it just makes me wanna yell and angst about it even I'm supposed to laugh for it. Same goes with the old comedies where people were tossing pies to each others. I just could not feel anything besides sorry for the pie that got ruined instead of eaten.

I know I m such joy killer but then again I just think I have unique humour. I for one thing don't find it disturbing if same fanfic-like gag is repeated multiple times as long as its cute or and funny. Example I love in GOTG the fact that Rocket has obsession with duck tape.

But ya. I think I will try to get some sleep. Maybe go watch couple more episodes of Happy! and see if anything makes more sense or if I just wanna stop watching the series all together. ¨

I also streamed bit Sims 4 dare I got. But I did not manage to get so far with it because I started to feel bit sleepy. I got dared into trying to get a child with Grimreaper. :3
I m interested to see if I'm able to lure him into giving his phone number to one of my sims. Or his e-mail adress. I never did this thing with Sims4. I did it on Sims2 tough. But so much has been changing since the old days of Sims2.  But ya. If you are interested you can see the video on the Twitch-section of this blog. Have nice day or evening or whatever. I think this rabbit has to go to sleep.

HAPPY! - okay we need to talk

Ya. We defenitely need to talk after this. Note. This rant might have  spoilers about the show's plot but I try to keep major details out. Also I wanna mention that after watching the first season I have no flarking clue what the flarg is  going on in that universe and who is what.

 Last night was way too hot for me to get any sleep so I opened Netflix and watched whole first season of this. And I gotta say, it was at least really interesting and confusing.

It was like Breaking bad writers are at bar with Sin city writers on a date planning a new script and then this one dude from Hasbro comes up like "Hey guys. You know what you need." And the other guys are like "What?" and the Hasbro guy keeps going " You guys need a charachter who is magical horse who can fly is actually an unicorn from candy kingdomn of what-again. Or actually he is little Girls best friend. And imaginary." Then I can imagine the other guys being like "Whats this characther gotta do with our main lead who is an assasin/hitman with anger issues?"
"Oh oh oh! The unicorn-belongs-to-his-daughter-that-he-never-knew-existed."
Then the other guys are like "Look. Our charachter is not the kids saving kind. "
"But what if the unicorn saves his life?.. and then he does it multiple times and then it turns out that the bad guys who took the kid actually are after the main charachter for unknown reasons to those two have to work together?"
..
Like I really wanna hear the conversation that lead to this script because its brilliant.
Yes, as hyper sensitive person I rarely like anyting scary or disturbing, but I gotta say this was just so weird that I found it fun. Like imagining some rough  badass hitman talking to an unicorn on his daily bases. There is same level of crazy ideas that there was on Guardians of the Galaxy, but the themes and settings are way more disturbing and more dark and adult themed. But since its too hot to hang outside I think I just might watch the second season of this show. Or at long of it that it has been published on Netflix so far.

Something about the dark themes is at levels that is making me swear I'm gonna see nightmares, but then again when the hero got magical unicorn as their sidekick how can they be in any real danger. The feeling of the danger really comes close to you when you realize that imaginery friends can not only die when child stops believing them, but they ( Imaginery friends) can kill each others and not all fluffy and cute imaginery friends are friendly or nice. Or even good at that matter. Still main villain's son being direct knock off of Sid in Toy Story one was bit too cheesy. Also I think him rendering from evil sid into fearing child who was frozen by fear was bit too off. I would have imagined the kid to do something else than freeze when seeing violence. Taken that he most likely had done worse violence himself to things. Okay maybe its some difference between violence to people and violence to imaginery creatures, but still. I'm not sure if the "evil kid" was really so deeply tought trough charachter. He seemed at least act first really cruel and then just like normal kid.. Maybe he was not that rotten that it first seemed.

The main charachter's daughter was really cute and I liked her. Only thing I did not like was that the series so far did not explain at least to my heat weather melted brains why did the father of the child bang an other female while his supposely girlfriend was still dating him. And what made them break up. Like he did not seem like cheating person to me. Or maybe I'm just shit at reading people. Also I think maybe after watching Netflix's Lucifer where they established every charachters every action with good motive I was looking for one here too for too much.

But if you cant get sleep and you wanna laugh for something super weird I warmly recommend to check this out.

Or then again I'm not sure. To me there was too much of stress and violence but that was not the thing that distracted me the most. The thing that distracted me the most was the fact that half of the time I had zero idea why charachters did what they did and who half of the characthers was.

My list of questions

• 1. How Hailey's dad can see Hailey's imaginery friend?

• 2. Why Hailey has imaginery friend instead of real friends

• 3. What made Blue turn evil in a first place?

• 4. Why Blue's sons were on hitman's list?

• 5. Who was the old grandmother at Isabella's house

• 6. How was Mickey alive?

• 7. Who died instead of Mickey?

• 8. Why did Nick and Hailey's mom break up?

• 9. Is Nick Wolverine?

• 10. What the heck was Bug? And why did he want to sell human children dolls?

• 11. Who was buying and from whom?

• 12. WHY IS POLICE DEPARTMENT IN TV SERIES ALWAYS SO USELESS?

• 13. If Imaginery friends only pretend to eat how can Happy get high?

• 14. IF they are imaginery why can they be killed or destroyed by random ass human kids?.

• 15. If Hailey never seen his dad exept for one photo how does she or Happy know what his dad smells like and how is Happy able to track him down in the first place by his smell?

• 16. If seeing imagine friends require one to believe in them how could Nick see Happy when he was never ever heard of Imaginery friends?

• 17. Who were half of these people in this series?

• 18. How could "The Santa Clause" enter into people's memories? Was he magic too. There in one scnene we see him entering to Haileys memory of Hailey watching pics of his Dad.

• 19. Why Mickey was speaking latin with demonic voice? Was he possessed?

• 20. How does food that is meant to draw spirit world dead person to you work on Mickey if he is alive and possessed?
• 21. Who was lying and for whom? Like I think everyone here lied a lot. Mostly I'm really suspicious about Happy. He is supposed to be imaginery but he can still react to and touch the real world stuff and get high for real. Also imaginery friends can be killed by stabbing them. 
• 
  22. What the heck are imaginery friends? Some aliens?

• 23 WTF  I just watched?

Like this show was so confusing.
..
And for records I have to re-ask why was Nick Wolverine? Like it was strongly hinted that he wanted to die. But could not? What was he?

I'm really expecting at least one of these questions answered on the second season. But if I fear it might end up with me just with bunch of more questions instead of me satisfied with answers for these questions.

I cant focus on anything

I was surprised that they actually signed me up for some kind of training program again for getting a job. I m happy about it. I was sure they would just have passed me down to the next person.

One thing I've noticed because of the heat is that I notice that my adhd gets worse. Like its almost impossible for me to focus on anything. I keep hyper focusing on something for one second and then I keep being distracted and forgetting what I was even doing in a first place. I tried to watch some youtube vids but I notice myself not even being being able to focus watching a Youtube video. I'm usually able at least to do that.

I think it has something to do with the all the water dissapearing from my body with the heat and my adhd medicines also dissapear from my body more quickly.

Like I was at my typ meeting today and I noticed being both hyper focusing there but somehow I felt like I was not able to remember almost anything about it from afterwards. And now I feel like I cant focus on anything. I feel like I was drunk even I have only drinken lemonade and water. And I feel dizzy and confused.

Its kinda scary, but then again I feel that I'm way too sleepy to  even freak out or panic about it.

Not able to focus hurt me most was when my friend called me on phone and asked if I wanted to hang out with her today. I was unable to tell her anything but "I don't know.." Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I did not eat anything else besides breakfast at 9am till the evening 'till 14:00pm when I ate few burritos.

Usually the dazzed feeling passes away when I eat. But now I still I feel really confused and sleepy.

I did take my d-vitamin pills at morning and I was in sun during the day so at least it should not be because the lack of the vitamin d.. Or how should I know anything?
I feel so confused right now.

Maybe I should just take a nap or turn it to for the night.

But I somehow don't feel tired in a way. I feel dazzed and confused, but not sleepy. I still blame the combo of all water being being drained from my body and my adhd meds getting drained out with it too.

I haven't heard any GNG rumors lately and I feel bit exited for new rumours, but at this moment I feel like I'm not gonna hear any rumours till end of the June.


I'm still hyped for the Lion King... Even now I'm already 100 sure that I cant enjoy it so much as the original. And it makes me kinda dissapointed.

Also on the view of what I wanna do with my life, I still have zero idea what I wanna do. And at the moment I feel like its impossible to me to even think anything or focus on anything. But ya. I think I think I will stop writing now and try to get some sleep.

But then again I feel like I might wanna watch some cartoons before going. But then again I feel like if I dont go now I will have to work super hard to be able to relax and become sleepy again.

► Rocket | Centuries (4k SUBS!)

I might or might have slight addiction re-watching these amvs when in reality I should just be a smart girl and go to sleep for be active for tomorrows meeting with some people who should help me to find a job. So far they have just been pushing me to the next person and competely ignoring me needing actual help.

I somehow really don't wanna go there. Because I know that I'm just gonna dissapoint on people not helping me out. I know they just wanna make sure that I'm alive so they can go ask the next person if they are alive and keep pushing people around to the next person instead of helping me to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

Yes, I know I should decide what I want to do with my life, but the thing is that with adhd it is actually really hard to decide stuff like this. At least I've read that I'm not only one with this kind of problems.

---

Also just bit out of the topic I have one question for you readers? Do you want to be able to read more than one post from the main page? Or do you like it the way it is now that you can see just one post and  you will have to click the history-tab for more?

Yay! I got Pocahontas soundtrack - stuff from my childhood's wishlist

Today was really hot day. Literally.  I agreed to go to the nearby beach for coffee with mom. I myself just took some french fries and Pepsi because I can't drink coffee unless I want to kiss the last change to get any sleep good bye for evening. Its already really hard for me to get a sleep during the brightness that keeps tricking my brains into thinking that its mid day even its midnight.

The doctor called me at the morning to tell me that everything seems to be fine. I was not expetting the call till at later at the evening so I was completely off guard when I noticed that my phone rang around 9AM. Actually I was still napping and sleeping. And again at least according to my Microsoft Band I did wake up 13 times during last night. I dunno what is normal reading there because I don't remember being awake. I do remember it being hard to me to fall a sleep. But appearently it does keep track between me sleeping or being awake quite well. I tried to push it to "sleep mode" while I was  still awake on my bed and took it off after 30 mins when I was still awake and it did say I had been sleeping for 0 mins. I did watch couple youtube vids during the wait so at least it does somehow keep semi accurate track if I m awake or not.

However I went out with my mom and checked the local flee market sale for local church fund rising. I managed to get my hands into Official Finnish version of "Original movie soundtrack of Pocahontas on cd" and I was quite happy since I've wanted that thing since I was 4 years old. It was cheap as flarg so I gave them one euro instead of 0,50cent they were asking for it becaues I wanted to support the local church and I felt like I was robbing them because at least to me as soundtrack collector these things are valuable.

I also treated myself with bottle of hand "brewd" Strawberry juice for 6 euros from local farm. I'm gonna pretend I'm princess for today and treat myself with expensive juice and ice cream. And with some Disney music.

I've loved Disney music since I was a little kid. Specially music by Alan Menken always just manages to capture the mood and the theme of the movie so perfectly. Haters gonna hate but like if this does not give you chills there is something wrong with you:

I used to watch this ad ervetytime I watched the Finnish version of The Lion King and drool after it being like "I want that cd so bad." I was literaly 4 years old when I saw this and I've wanted this ever since.

I feel so hyped right now.  Finally mine.
Yes I m aware that "Disney Pocahontas is not accureate enough and..." but the music is part of my childhood and I used to get so heavy vibes to a) watch the movie (never saw it as small child), and listen more of Alan menken.

But ya. I'm so happy right now. Sorry for shitty phone quality pic. I m way too busy to qloat about this joy inside my heart to dig out my Canon Camera set.



But funny how some things stay with you trough your life and you can remember them. Like how I still remember this advertisement from my childhood. I also remember there being "How we made Lion King the movie" thing after the Finnish VHS of the Lion King and me deciding that I wanna be an animator after watching it.

Also I m exited for the new Live action version of the Lion king but I m sure that they absolutely can't re-capture the magic of the original. Specially when even the advertisement before the original still give me this much of nostalgia kick!