I've been reading about how one could get mega skinny and mega pretty by just skipping all the food and I've also read that if one is with out food for while it actually removes poison from ones body. I however m under heavy medication for both ADHD and depression. I've tried stopping eating but I find always myself eating like a cry baby and crying over everything if I dont eat anything during the day.
I also find myself really lazy considering taking a walk. I also have started to think if me staying unenergized to do anything has something to do with my depression medicines. Or witn my depression. like I told you earlier I often feel really lost and tired on everything. And mostly because of the problems caused by ADHD I'm having difficulties to start doing stuff. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I feel like its driving me slowly into either stress or panic attack.
I've been promised many times that "yes we will make an oppointment session for you with person x and person x will talk with you about what to do with your life." But then instead of even wanting to talk with me that person x is just sitting there and telling me that they are gonna book me time with someone else.
Its really irrating. All I want is someone stable and smart adult to talk with about stuff that is going on inside my head. And yes I'm going trough my last year of my therapy, and my therapeut has all hands down busy to help me understand myself with my ADHD and help me to realize who I'm. She only has time for me only once per week and because I'm such talktive lil shit I feel like I dont have enough time to pour her the half of the things troubling me when I meet her.
I'm starting to think that I might need +1h sessions multiple times during week to pour all out that is going on with my mind to get to somewhere. Mostly I'm worried that when my therapy ends will I be fixed by the time for it. Mostly because I ve been in therapy over 2 years now. Its my 3th year and its last one the state is helping me pay for. And its already expensive as flarg. I wont have the money to pay for it myself.
Also because I don't have a job I dont have the money to move closer to the city where I could have access to more buss stops and be able to move more freely to actually get into a job place early with out stressing my brains out on if there is gonna be buss coming back after 4pm. No there is not so I will have to ask someone to pick me up. Yay. such luxuries living in a country side. Its one of the reasons I feel like I dont even have the right to offer me for anyone as a worker because I will have to leave home so early from work. Then the other trouble is my lack of self esteem. I dont trust myself at all on anything. I feel like I m the worst person that anyone would hire. And I dont believe anyone would even wanna hire me. So I've been just sleeping all day long and thinking where to get better self esteem.
I feel so silly and stupid. Mostly because at this point I dont even know what I want to do as my work. I dont know enough of anything nor trust myself to be assistant over anything. That makes me really sad and really nervous. I do know that if I want to start working I will stop trying to self validate me from what other people think and if I'm good enough for people, because the truth is I will never be good enough for anyone else when I'm not good enough for myself at firtst. But then there is that I want to be the best right away, or else I feel like I've let myself and everybody else down. And I dont want to let anyone down.
Man I m such a mess.
Tuesday, June 4, 2019
How did this happen - My sleep flinching - my health - Me just being stupid
Writers editoral toughts;
I was gonna make this a short post about what I had been doing but somehow I got carried away into hyper focus mode and it ended to be huge pile of text. I just noticed that I did not even mention what i found from flee market. Maybe I make an other post about it after publishing this. Lol.
Today I was at new laboratory tests and they took a blood sample test and somekind of heat rate chart. My doctor will call me tomorrow afternoon to tell me the end reasaults for it. All they said now was that my pulse was bit high. Yes I know it is. And I'm lowkey worried about it because it keeps changing a lot during the day. When I sleep and wake up its somewhat 67 but when I get up and walk to the toilet it can go up to 100 for a moment. Currently I'm just arrived back home from the fleemarket and just casually typing with my laptop and currently it was 97 for a while. I also notice that for some reason I keep pausing my breath to keep myself more calm. I do it with out thinking, but I know I usually do it when I m hyper focusing on stuff, like I m now hyper focusing on typing this text. Now my heartbeat seems to be around 75. I dunno how accurate it is because I m using Microsoft Band to measure it from my left wrist. Sometimes when I try to "breath normally" and slowly like normal person I get bit pain in my upper chest and I m thinking that maybe indeed there is something wrong with my heart also.
But because I already have something wrong with my brains because ADHD I really don't know if worrying about stuff makes me feel any better. All I know that ADHD has something to do how the information runs trough my brain. And when I mentioned about my ADHD to the person taking the blood test she was like "Oh okay then we are gonna take the heart rate film about the areas where heart is active and stuff also." It was really quick test and I don't know if I should be worried or not.
I m already stressing way too much about the fact that I currently don't have a job or any idea about even what do I wanna do with my life. Thinking about it makes me feel anxious and stressed, and I try to avoid any kind of stress because I'm that kind of person whom usually stresses with their stomac. Like if I stress I might get ill just because of the stress. My body reactions to all kind of stress is really strong. And I think it also causes me somekind of state of panic attack or melt down. When I m scared or stressed about something I can't think clearly. I just kinda freeze and keep over analyzing stuff inside my brains until I get tired about it and fall a sleep.
I know I have some issues to deal with this bad habit of over analyzing stuff and always being fearing for the worst. I tend to always assume the worst of everything. I always assume that a) everyone hates me, b) everyone thinks I'm stupid c) Everyone wants to harm me in some way.
I know its silly, but it some kind of backtrack of a trauma from me being bullied and harmed in my past. Also after reading some text about psycology of the early childhood I've learned that also the fact that my mom left me to the hospital after giving a birth and the nurses always changing on the hosiptal and the orphanage gave me somekin of trauma and somekind of habit to always assume that no one is not gonna stay with me. I somehow lost my trust with people during that situation. I was almost never held or talked to until I was adopted to Finland as one years old and appearently that is one reason why I was terrified of my parents going anywhere with out me as a child. And still as an adult I prefer to know what people are doing and if I can reach to them when if I need help.
Also this might be why I'm so much having trust issues with everyone around me. Exept the people I've gotten to know. The people I consider part of my extended family.
But like if I meet a stranger I still think that they hate me automaticly. I've been trying to train myself away from this. And I think I've been doing great job. Today I have courage to talk to the staff on stores and in libraries when I need help.
But like on personal level I notice I'm still really suspecting that during the first hint the other people looks me in certain way I feel terrified and I'm absolutely sure that they hate me and want to get rid of me.
I still notice that I need to learn that I don't need other peoples approval to exist or be alive. I'm still uncontionally looking for other people's approval even I know that this kind of life is both really rough and really bad on me.
Also I've noticed that when I used to think I'm the most easiest person to get along with I might not be so easy person that I always tough myself to be. Here is something that I also wanna train myseslf to and learn to be better as a person. I want to be the kind of person that people enjoy spending time with and hanging out with. And a person that others like. But then I also want to learn not to fully relay on the fact that others need me. Because the fact is that in reality I'm just rabbit brained girl from Finland with no boyfriend. I'm not vital to anyones life and I should stop looking the reason to live from other peoples. I should find it within my own self. Same goes with the courage to try new things and meet new people.
Maybe partially because my phobias and partially because of my ADHD, I find starting things to be the most hard part. Yes, once I start doing something there is nothing to stop me. But the first step takes me for ever. Whatever it was to clean the house or try to find a job.
I think I should have been able to send like 10 applications for the new job by now but I just dont know who to send it to. Like I dont trust my own skills enough to believe that anyone would actually want me. And then there is that I m not even sure what I want myself. Okay I do know what I want.
I want to write stuff like this and talk with people online and watch youtube vids and play video games, but as far as I'm considering no one is willing to pay me for this so yeah. I kinda feel stuck.
And yes I love to draw but I'm not so sure if I'm so good at that either. I feel really unsecure about me doing anything. My worst fear on working on somebody else is letting them down.
I learned that at the late Game Jam I was working with a month back. I'm terrified of making simple mistake and making people pissed of because of it. And I'm terrified to not to be good enough for other people.
To me it tells that I still use other people to measure the worth of my life. I still care about what other people think about me. Only escape mechanism I have for that is to snap into full Rocket Raccoon mode and not care about anything or anyone. But I also know how destructive tha is towards other people and myself included. I don't want to hurt anyone, or anything. I want everything to be fine for everyone. Me included. And when its not I freeze and panic and feel like there is not anything I can do besides of crying. And the worst part there is that because me slashing to Rocket Raccoon mode I cant even cry. I feel burning in my chest and in my eyes but the tears just arent coming. I feell somekind of barrier being held up inside my head that is trying to stop me from breaking into billion pieces. And I myself think that the barrier is a bad thing. I myself think that if I was able to cry it out it would get easier. And my depression would be miraciously cured. But then again I've learned lately that in fact I know nothing about anything, my own state of mind included. I dont even know who I'm. All I know is that I'm hurt and unable to loosen my guard fully to anything. And same times I feel like I'm keeping all by guards down and taking the full hits.
I also feel like I was switching into someone else while still being me and remembering it all. Sometimes when I'm feeling stable myself I wanna be a mom to everything and keep everyone else safe. But when I lash into being tired I feel like I just wanna hurt everything around me by insulting them and telling how stupid they are. But like I've been hurt a lot myself so I dont really want to hurt anyone the way I was hurt in my childhood. I know how it turns people into almost literal monster being hurt too much. And I don't want anyone to suffer for it.
But same time there is this what happens when I get tired. I act like a rabid raccoon with out thinking anything but feeling good and getting this feel of being strong and surviving and winning. I myself feel bit scared of this. Like part of me wants to be a protector and friend people can trust. Other side of me just wants to lash all the anger inside me back to people around me.
To me all people are the creations of God and something I should not destroy or harm in any way. But still I end up being really childish and getting insulted by people I love and wanting to insult them back. And it scares me. I dont know why I want to do that. Sometimes I just feel like I'm a mess and I wanna hide from everyone so I would not hurt anything by accident.
But ya. I will know more about the test reasaults by tomorrow afternoon. I feel bit nervous. I hope I can still keep up living normaly at home and I dont need to go to the hospital because I'm the kind of person who gets all crying if there is not enough quiet and darkness to me to fall a sleep feeling secure.
I think this also might be something to do with my childhood but I like it when its quiet. If someone is talking in the next room when I'm trying to fall a sleep I cant fall a sleep because my brains keep up trying to follow the conversation even I told them not to. Maybe something to do with weird shadow people I used to see when I was a a toddler. Like I saw shapes of people walking around in my room and sitting down and thinking. I would hide from them under my planket till I fell a sleep. I dunno if it was my imagination during I had really strong orange night light at the corner of my room. But for some reason I m always at somekind of guard mode when I try to relax and get some sleep.
Now after I got this Microsoft Band I've also noticed that I tend to twitch/ or flicnh when I'm about to fall a sleep. And the twitching movement that my neck and shoulders do is usually enough to kick me back awake. I do it with out wanting to.
Appearently also when I sleep I switch back to being partially awake once per hour and if my Microsoft Band is not lying I keep awaking from 7-13 times during the night. Last night for me was really short because I stayed up watching Guardians of the Galaxy episodes and awoke early to get to my tests so I only awkoken 9 times while I got 6h34mins of sleep. And my sleep quality was at 89% during last night. Again. I m not sure if I should consider this to be normal or get worried for it. The switch/stroke/flinch thing has only happened be like 2 times on day time directing me into dropping something from my hands. Other than that i barely notice it. Unless I'm feeling sleepy and trying to stay awake. Then I usually notice it.
It seems to start from my upper back and ending to my neck. Its like fast short pulse that makes me tilt my head bit up and makes me straighten my sitting position when I sit. When I sleep it just twists my neck and my heap backwards like I was stretching my body.
But now when thinking about it, there was some mention on my medical papers when adopted me doing some weird head movement sometimes and trying to bend my head upward toward my neck.
Also fun bonus fact:
As a kid I did not how to think with out saying stuff outloud. I remember the time when I learned to do it. I was absolutely thrilled for thinking people around me stupid with out them getting mad at me. During the time I was somewhat 4-5 years old.
When writing my blog I still notice that this is actually still the best way to me think with out putting stuff into actual words. I dunno if writing stuff has actually any help for me but it makes me feel better and it makes me feel like I've done some self study and it helps me to understand myself better as a person when I write stuff down. And about sharing the stuff I write? I dunno. Maybe I just want other people to be able to read it so if they find something they can relate or disagree then maybe they can help me to understand myself even better. Besides I believe this text is way too long and boring to anyone actually ever read so I don't think if I put this stuff here as a public or not.
But if you are actually reading this, big thank you for caring enough or being bored enough to enjoy reading it trough till the end.
Edit:
Thanks to my friend who read this blog pointing out that appearently this thing is actually quite common:
Why Do People 'Twitch' When Falling Asleep?
I was gonna make this a short post about what I had been doing but somehow I got carried away into hyper focus mode and it ended to be huge pile of text. I just noticed that I did not even mention what i found from flee market. Maybe I make an other post about it after publishing this. Lol.
Today I was at new laboratory tests and they took a blood sample test and somekind of heat rate chart. My doctor will call me tomorrow afternoon to tell me the end reasaults for it. All they said now was that my pulse was bit high. Yes I know it is. And I'm lowkey worried about it because it keeps changing a lot during the day. When I sleep and wake up its somewhat 67 but when I get up and walk to the toilet it can go up to 100 for a moment. Currently I'm just arrived back home from the fleemarket and just casually typing with my laptop and currently it was 97 for a while. I also notice that for some reason I keep pausing my breath to keep myself more calm. I do it with out thinking, but I know I usually do it when I m hyper focusing on stuff, like I m now hyper focusing on typing this text. Now my heartbeat seems to be around 75. I dunno how accurate it is because I m using Microsoft Band to measure it from my left wrist. Sometimes when I try to "breath normally" and slowly like normal person I get bit pain in my upper chest and I m thinking that maybe indeed there is something wrong with my heart also.
But because I already have something wrong with my brains because ADHD I really don't know if worrying about stuff makes me feel any better. All I know that ADHD has something to do how the information runs trough my brain. And when I mentioned about my ADHD to the person taking the blood test she was like "Oh okay then we are gonna take the heart rate film about the areas where heart is active and stuff also." It was really quick test and I don't know if I should be worried or not.
I m already stressing way too much about the fact that I currently don't have a job or any idea about even what do I wanna do with my life. Thinking about it makes me feel anxious and stressed, and I try to avoid any kind of stress because I'm that kind of person whom usually stresses with their stomac. Like if I stress I might get ill just because of the stress. My body reactions to all kind of stress is really strong. And I think it also causes me somekind of state of panic attack or melt down. When I m scared or stressed about something I can't think clearly. I just kinda freeze and keep over analyzing stuff inside my brains until I get tired about it and fall a sleep.
I know I have some issues to deal with this bad habit of over analyzing stuff and always being fearing for the worst. I tend to always assume the worst of everything. I always assume that a) everyone hates me, b) everyone thinks I'm stupid c) Everyone wants to harm me in some way.
I know its silly, but it some kind of backtrack of a trauma from me being bullied and harmed in my past. Also after reading some text about psycology of the early childhood I've learned that also the fact that my mom left me to the hospital after giving a birth and the nurses always changing on the hosiptal and the orphanage gave me somekin of trauma and somekind of habit to always assume that no one is not gonna stay with me. I somehow lost my trust with people during that situation. I was almost never held or talked to until I was adopted to Finland as one years old and appearently that is one reason why I was terrified of my parents going anywhere with out me as a child. And still as an adult I prefer to know what people are doing and if I can reach to them when if I need help.
Also this might be why I'm so much having trust issues with everyone around me. Exept the people I've gotten to know. The people I consider part of my extended family.
But like if I meet a stranger I still think that they hate me automaticly. I've been trying to train myself away from this. And I think I've been doing great job. Today I have courage to talk to the staff on stores and in libraries when I need help.
But like on personal level I notice I'm still really suspecting that during the first hint the other people looks me in certain way I feel terrified and I'm absolutely sure that they hate me and want to get rid of me.
I still notice that I need to learn that I don't need other peoples approval to exist or be alive. I'm still uncontionally looking for other people's approval even I know that this kind of life is both really rough and really bad on me.
Also I've noticed that when I used to think I'm the most easiest person to get along with I might not be so easy person that I always tough myself to be. Here is something that I also wanna train myseslf to and learn to be better as a person. I want to be the kind of person that people enjoy spending time with and hanging out with. And a person that others like. But then I also want to learn not to fully relay on the fact that others need me. Because the fact is that in reality I'm just rabbit brained girl from Finland with no boyfriend. I'm not vital to anyones life and I should stop looking the reason to live from other peoples. I should find it within my own self. Same goes with the courage to try new things and meet new people.
Maybe partially because my phobias and partially because of my ADHD, I find starting things to be the most hard part. Yes, once I start doing something there is nothing to stop me. But the first step takes me for ever. Whatever it was to clean the house or try to find a job.
I think I should have been able to send like 10 applications for the new job by now but I just dont know who to send it to. Like I dont trust my own skills enough to believe that anyone would actually want me. And then there is that I m not even sure what I want myself. Okay I do know what I want.
I want to write stuff like this and talk with people online and watch youtube vids and play video games, but as far as I'm considering no one is willing to pay me for this so yeah. I kinda feel stuck.
And yes I love to draw but I'm not so sure if I'm so good at that either. I feel really unsecure about me doing anything. My worst fear on working on somebody else is letting them down.
I learned that at the late Game Jam I was working with a month back. I'm terrified of making simple mistake and making people pissed of because of it. And I'm terrified to not to be good enough for other people.
To me it tells that I still use other people to measure the worth of my life. I still care about what other people think about me. Only escape mechanism I have for that is to snap into full Rocket Raccoon mode and not care about anything or anyone. But I also know how destructive tha is towards other people and myself included. I don't want to hurt anyone, or anything. I want everything to be fine for everyone. Me included. And when its not I freeze and panic and feel like there is not anything I can do besides of crying. And the worst part there is that because me slashing to Rocket Raccoon mode I cant even cry. I feel burning in my chest and in my eyes but the tears just arent coming. I feell somekind of barrier being held up inside my head that is trying to stop me from breaking into billion pieces. And I myself think that the barrier is a bad thing. I myself think that if I was able to cry it out it would get easier. And my depression would be miraciously cured. But then again I've learned lately that in fact I know nothing about anything, my own state of mind included. I dont even know who I'm. All I know is that I'm hurt and unable to loosen my guard fully to anything. And same times I feel like I'm keeping all by guards down and taking the full hits.
I also feel like I was switching into someone else while still being me and remembering it all. Sometimes when I'm feeling stable myself I wanna be a mom to everything and keep everyone else safe. But when I lash into being tired I feel like I just wanna hurt everything around me by insulting them and telling how stupid they are. But like I've been hurt a lot myself so I dont really want to hurt anyone the way I was hurt in my childhood. I know how it turns people into almost literal monster being hurt too much. And I don't want anyone to suffer for it.
But same time there is this what happens when I get tired. I act like a rabid raccoon with out thinking anything but feeling good and getting this feel of being strong and surviving and winning. I myself feel bit scared of this. Like part of me wants to be a protector and friend people can trust. Other side of me just wants to lash all the anger inside me back to people around me.
To me all people are the creations of God and something I should not destroy or harm in any way. But still I end up being really childish and getting insulted by people I love and wanting to insult them back. And it scares me. I dont know why I want to do that. Sometimes I just feel like I'm a mess and I wanna hide from everyone so I would not hurt anything by accident.
But ya. I will know more about the test reasaults by tomorrow afternoon. I feel bit nervous. I hope I can still keep up living normaly at home and I dont need to go to the hospital because I'm the kind of person who gets all crying if there is not enough quiet and darkness to me to fall a sleep feeling secure.
I think this also might be something to do with my childhood but I like it when its quiet. If someone is talking in the next room when I'm trying to fall a sleep I cant fall a sleep because my brains keep up trying to follow the conversation even I told them not to. Maybe something to do with weird shadow people I used to see when I was a a toddler. Like I saw shapes of people walking around in my room and sitting down and thinking. I would hide from them under my planket till I fell a sleep. I dunno if it was my imagination during I had really strong orange night light at the corner of my room. But for some reason I m always at somekind of guard mode when I try to relax and get some sleep.
Now after I got this Microsoft Band I've also noticed that I tend to twitch/ or flicnh when I'm about to fall a sleep. And the twitching movement that my neck and shoulders do is usually enough to kick me back awake. I do it with out wanting to.
Appearently also when I sleep I switch back to being partially awake once per hour and if my Microsoft Band is not lying I keep awaking from 7-13 times during the night. Last night for me was really short because I stayed up watching Guardians of the Galaxy episodes and awoke early to get to my tests so I only awkoken 9 times while I got 6h34mins of sleep. And my sleep quality was at 89% during last night. Again. I m not sure if I should consider this to be normal or get worried for it. The switch/stroke/flinch thing has only happened be like 2 times on day time directing me into dropping something from my hands. Other than that i barely notice it. Unless I'm feeling sleepy and trying to stay awake. Then I usually notice it.
It seems to start from my upper back and ending to my neck. Its like fast short pulse that makes me tilt my head bit up and makes me straighten my sitting position when I sit. When I sleep it just twists my neck and my heap backwards like I was stretching my body.
But now when thinking about it, there was some mention on my medical papers when adopted me doing some weird head movement sometimes and trying to bend my head upward toward my neck.
Also fun bonus fact:
As a kid I did not how to think with out saying stuff outloud. I remember the time when I learned to do it. I was absolutely thrilled for thinking people around me stupid with out them getting mad at me. During the time I was somewhat 4-5 years old.
When writing my blog I still notice that this is actually still the best way to me think with out putting stuff into actual words. I dunno if writing stuff has actually any help for me but it makes me feel better and it makes me feel like I've done some self study and it helps me to understand myself better as a person when I write stuff down. And about sharing the stuff I write? I dunno. Maybe I just want other people to be able to read it so if they find something they can relate or disagree then maybe they can help me to understand myself even better. Besides I believe this text is way too long and boring to anyone actually ever read so I don't think if I put this stuff here as a public or not.
But if you are actually reading this, big thank you for caring enough or being bored enough to enjoy reading it trough till the end.
Edit:
Thanks to my friend who read this blog pointing out that appearently this thing is actually quite common:
Why Do People 'Twitch' When Falling Asleep?
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