How did this happen - My sleep flinching - my health - Me just being stupid

Writers editoral toughts;
I was gonna make this a short post about what I had been doing but somehow I got carried away into hyper focus mode and it ended to be huge pile of text. I just noticed that I did not even mention what i found from flee market. Maybe I make an other post about it after publishing this. Lol.

Today I was at new laboratory tests and they took a blood sample test and somekind of heat rate chart. My doctor will call me tomorrow afternoon to tell me the end reasaults for it. All they said now was that my pulse was bit high. Yes I know it is. And I'm lowkey worried about it because it keeps changing a lot during the day. When I sleep and wake up its somewhat 67 but when I get up and walk to the toilet it can go up to 100 for a moment. Currently I'm just arrived back home from the fleemarket and just casually typing with my laptop and currently it was 97 for a while. I also notice that for some reason I keep pausing my breath to keep myself more calm. I do it with out thinking, but I know I usually do it when I m hyper focusing on stuff, like I m now hyper focusing on typing this text. Now my heartbeat seems to be around 75. I dunno how accurate it is because I m using Microsoft Band to measure it from my left wrist.  Sometimes when I try to "breath normally" and slowly like normal person I get bit pain in my upper chest and I m thinking that maybe indeed there is something wrong with my heart also.

But because I already have something wrong with my brains because ADHD I really don't know if worrying about stuff makes me feel any better. All I know that ADHD has something to do how the information runs trough my brain. And when I mentioned about my ADHD to the person taking the blood test she was like "Oh okay then we are gonna take the heart rate film about the areas where heart is active and stuff also." It was really quick test and I don't know if I should be worried or not.

I m already stressing way too much about the fact  that I currently don't have a job or any idea about even what do I wanna do with my life. Thinking about it makes me feel anxious and stressed, and I try to avoid any kind of stress because I'm that kind of person whom usually stresses with their stomac. Like if I stress I might get ill just because of the stress. My body reactions to all kind of stress is really strong. And I think it also causes me somekind of state of panic attack or melt down. When I m scared or stressed about something I can't think clearly. I just kinda freeze and keep over analyzing stuff inside my brains until I get tired about it and fall a sleep.

I know I have some issues to deal with this bad habit of over analyzing stuff and always being fearing for the worst. I tend to always assume the worst of everything. I always assume that a) everyone hates me, b) everyone thinks I'm stupid c) Everyone wants to harm me in some way.

I know its silly, but it some kind of backtrack of a trauma from me being bullied and harmed in my past. Also after reading some text about psycology of the early childhood I've learned that also the fact that my mom left me to the hospital after giving a birth and the nurses always changing on the hosiptal and the orphanage gave me somekin of trauma and somekind of habit to always assume that no one is not gonna stay with me. I somehow lost my trust with people during that situation. I was almost never held or talked to until I was adopted to Finland as one years old and appearently that is one reason why I was terrified of my parents going anywhere with out me as a child. And still as an adult I prefer to know what people are doing and if I can reach to them when if I need help.

Also this might be why I'm so much having trust issues with everyone around me. Exept the people I've gotten to know. The people I consider part of my extended family.

But like if I meet a stranger I still think that they hate me automaticly. I've been trying to train myself away from this. And I think I've been doing great job. Today I have courage to talk to the staff on stores and in libraries when I need help.

But like on personal level I notice I'm still really suspecting that during the first hint the other people looks me in certain way I feel terrified and I'm absolutely sure that they hate me and want to get rid of me.

I still notice that I need to learn that I don't need other peoples approval to exist or be alive. I'm still uncontionally looking for other people's approval even I know that this kind of life is both really rough and really bad on me.

Also I've noticed that when I used to think I'm the most easiest person to get along with I might not be so easy person that I always tough myself to be. Here is something that I also wanna train myseslf to and learn to be better as a person. I want to be the kind of person that people enjoy spending time with and hanging out with. And a person that others like. But then I also want to learn not to fully relay on the fact that others need me. Because the fact is that in reality I'm just rabbit brained girl from Finland with no boyfriend. I'm not vital to anyones life and I should stop looking the reason to live from other peoples. I should find it within my own self. Same goes with the courage to try new things and meet new people.

Maybe partially because my phobias and partially because of my ADHD, I find starting things to be the most hard part. Yes, once I start doing something there is nothing to stop me. But the first step takes me for ever. Whatever it was to clean the house or try to find a job.

I think I should have been able to send like 10 applications for the new job by now but I just dont know who to send it to. Like I dont trust my own skills enough to believe that anyone would actually want me. And then there is that I m not even sure what I want myself.  Okay I do know what I want.
I want to write stuff like this and talk with people online and watch youtube vids and play video games, but as far as I'm considering no one is willing to pay me for this so yeah. I kinda feel stuck.
And yes I love to draw but I'm not so sure if I'm so good at that either. I feel really unsecure about me doing anything. My worst fear on working on somebody else is letting them down.
I learned that at the late Game Jam I was working with a month back. I'm terrified of making simple mistake and making people pissed of because of it. And I'm terrified to not to be good enough for other people.

To me it tells that I still use other people to measure the worth of my life. I still care about what other people think about me. Only escape mechanism I have for that is to snap into full Rocket Raccoon mode and not care about anything or anyone. But I also know how destructive tha is towards other people and myself included. I don't want to hurt anyone, or anything. I want everything to be fine for everyone. Me included. And when its not I freeze and panic and feel like there is not anything I can do besides of crying. And the worst part there is that because me slashing to Rocket Raccoon mode I cant even cry. I feel burning in my chest and in my eyes but the tears just arent coming. I feell somekind of barrier being held up inside my head that is trying to stop me from breaking into billion pieces. And I myself think that the barrier is a bad thing. I myself think that if I was able to cry it out it would get easier. And my depression would be miraciously cured. But then again I've learned lately that in fact I know nothing about anything, my own state of mind included. I dont even know who I'm. All I know is that I'm hurt and unable to loosen my guard fully to anything. And same times I feel like I'm keeping all by guards down and taking the full hits.

I also feel like I was switching into someone else while still being me and remembering it all. Sometimes when I'm feeling stable myself I wanna be a mom to everything and keep everyone else safe. But when I lash into being tired I feel like I just wanna hurt everything around me by insulting them and telling how stupid they are. But like I've been hurt a lot myself so I dont really want to hurt anyone the way I was hurt in my childhood. I know how it turns people into almost literal monster being hurt too much. And I don't want anyone to suffer for it.

But same time there is this what happens when I get tired. I act like a rabid raccoon with out thinking anything but feeling good and getting this feel of being strong and surviving and winning. I myself feel bit scared of this. Like part of me wants to be a protector and friend people can trust. Other side of me just wants to lash all the anger inside me back to people around me.

To me all people are the creations of God and something I should not destroy or harm in any way. But still I end up being really childish and getting insulted by people I love and wanting to insult them back. And it scares me. I dont know why I want to do that. Sometimes I just feel like I'm a mess and I wanna hide from everyone so I would not hurt anything by accident.

But ya. I will know more about the test reasaults by tomorrow afternoon. I feel bit nervous. I hope I can still keep up living normaly at home and I dont need to go to the hospital because I'm the kind of person who gets all crying if there is not enough quiet and darkness to me to fall a sleep feeling secure.

I think this also might be something to do with my childhood but I like it when its quiet. If someone is talking in the next room when I'm trying to fall a sleep I cant fall a sleep because my brains keep up trying to follow the conversation even I told them  not to. Maybe something to do with weird shadow people I used to see when I was a a toddler. Like I saw shapes of people walking around in my room and sitting down and thinking. I would hide from them under my planket till I fell a sleep. I dunno if it was my imagination during I had really strong orange night light at the corner of my room. But for some reason I m always at somekind of guard mode when I try to relax and get some sleep.

Now after I got this Microsoft Band I've also noticed that I tend to twitch/ or flicnh when I'm about to fall a sleep. And the twitching movement that my neck and shoulders do is usually enough to kick me back awake. I do it with out wanting to.

Appearently also when I sleep I switch back to being partially awake once per hour and if my Microsoft Band is not lying I keep awaking from 7-13 times during the night. Last night for me was really short because I stayed up watching Guardians of the Galaxy episodes and awoke early to get to my tests so I only awkoken 9 times while I got 6h34mins of sleep. And my sleep quality was at 89% during last night. Again. I m not sure if I should consider this to be normal or get worried for it. The switch/stroke/flinch thing has only happened be like 2 times on day time directing me into dropping something from my hands. Other than that i barely notice it. Unless I'm feeling sleepy and trying to stay awake. Then I usually notice it.

It seems to start from my upper back and ending to my neck. Its like fast short pulse that makes me tilt my head bit up and makes me straighten my sitting position when I sit. When I sleep it just  twists my neck and my heap backwards like I was stretching my body.

But now when thinking about it, there was some mention on my medical papers when adopted me doing some weird head movement sometimes and trying to bend my head upward toward my neck.

Also fun bonus fact:
As a kid I did not how to think with out saying stuff outloud. I remember the time when I learned to do it. I was absolutely thrilled for thinking people around me stupid with out them getting mad at me. During the time I was somewhat 4-5 years old.

When writing my blog I still notice that this is actually still the best way to me think with out putting stuff into actual words. I dunno if writing stuff has actually any help for me but it makes me feel better and it makes me feel like I've done some self study and it helps me to understand myself better as a person when I write stuff down. And about sharing the stuff I write? I dunno. Maybe I just want other people to be able to read it so if they find something they can relate or disagree then maybe they can help me to understand myself even better. Besides I believe this text is way too long and boring to anyone actually ever read so I don't think if I put this stuff here as a public or not.

But if you are actually reading this, big thank you for caring enough or being bored enough to enjoy reading it trough till the end.

Edit:
Thanks to my friend who read this blog pointing out that appearently this thing is actually quite common:

Why Do People 'Twitch' When Falling Asleep?

Getting rid of unhealthy habits and addictions

First step is admitting to having a problem. Admitting that you are doing something that is unhealthy for you either menthal or physical way. Often the hardest part is the part where one admits that they have a problem. Only then and only after that it can be treated and helped to deal with.

Second part is realizing why something is unhealthy for you. You may know it but getting it hammered deep inside your heart can make huge difference. If you notice you drink too much Cola or hang out too much over the internet you will have to explain yourself why those are bad for you. Cola can harm your body in a way that it makes you fat. If  you keep browsing internet and just staring the blank screen all day long it can harm your brains. But mostly it harms your own social relationships. All the time one takes sitting on computer is time away from being with friends and talking with them.

And if one keeps just hanging online too much one will soon notice that all social skills are gone and humans are starting to avoid you. I have had slight social media addiction myself so I know what I m talking about. Also I have had Coca Cola addiction. It is no help saying "yaya. Its bad for me."

You need to say "Its bad for me because it makes me fat." or "Its bad for me because it takes time away from being happy with my friends."

Most important to think about this is if one just sits on computer and reads something they hate. Internet should never should be used as tortue device. If you find something over internet that makes you feel uncofortable you should not use all day of staring at it. It will destroy your brains. Also too much stress and negativity in general is harmful for your brains.

That is why Im linking a live stream video of Kitten Academy live stream here in the bottom so we can all just relax and watch something nice and positive for the change:

Kitten Academy Live Stream

I think I have a problem - again - Partial test reasaults

I just got a phone call from my doctor. Part of the tests came back and at the moment only thing wrong with me seems to be my level of vitamin D. She explained to me that while normal person has serious case of major lack of vitamin D its somewhere around 40. Normally a normal person would have it around 7. For some reason I have mine at 30. I did eat some pills for it during the winter but I stopped since the sun started to show of more and I tough me being casually once per week outside would fix it. Before going to doctor I had been taking walk courses of 30 min daily for at least three days. I would assume it would have made my D vitamin value go up but there seems to be something wrong with it.

She advised me to start eating pills again. There is just one problem. Okay two problems. I m the kind of person who has trouble both drinking water and keeping hydrated and eating pills. Both of them are things that for some reason make me try to throw up. I can drink small bottle of lemonade or bubble water if one gives me enough time to consume it. But if I m needed to drink water I easily feel like throwing up because of some reason that is currently unkown by me. Also I m currently struggling even to take my daily dozes of both Seronil and Concerta at the morning as it is. I dunno. Maybe its because I dont drink enough. But pills make me feel like they wont stay down. And they will come back up. Even how much I drink while I take them I still feel like throwing up. Same thing is with water. Something inside my brains is rejecting it.

I dunno if this has something to do with my early years at the childrens home where I was up to 1 years old, when I was adopted. Recently  I have been able to link many strange things in my life and strange behaviour and issues that I have into that time.

But I dunno what is this all. Its making me confused. Mere the tough of drinking water and taking pills is enough to make my throat feel like I need to go to the bathroom and throw up. There is this weird thingle that makes me feel like I was chocking on a fish bone.

About water cosuming today, Ive managed to drink almost half of bottle of bubbled mineral water from 1,5L bottle.

Only thing I know for sure that there is something here that I will have to deal with on future. It would be nice to know tough why I feel like chocking or throwing up for drinking water.

me and the damn flu

Hai there again. Long time no see. Okay well.. It happened again. That damn flu and infection on my throat and ears that strikes me down every single summer.. Always when one is supposed to enjoy the fresh air and go to the beach and run wildy on forest etc. and do all fun stuff I'm forced to take it easy and sleep in bed eating like 5 different pills twice per day. Its damn annoying.

Up to this point none of the doctors can't tell me why every single flu in the universe (okay at least from the people who are in same room with me for like ten seconds) strikes me and for all of people around me I'm only one who is forced to take it easy.

I mean it. "Normal flu" that takes like day to recover for everyone else takes like 1-2 weeks minimal to me to recover. I feel like I'm so done with this stuff. I wanna go out and see friends but nope. I'm told by doctor to sleep and try get the damn fever down. Yes, I had 6 days of duty from work because of this and now I'm back at work. Still feeling bit off.

But I just can't figure out what triggers it..? Why me? Always every single summer? Also getting one during autumn also. 

Ya ya. Pepople tell me to go out and work for my body's ability to resist sickness. But how you resist it when all times you get beamed with flu first time someone sneezes towards you. And for most of the times you don't even need anyone to sneeze at you. Just someone with flu just sits in same room (different ends of the room) is enough to get me infected with it.

As a kid I was tested for all kind of allergies and they found none. Now I would not count on it. But its not allergy. Always when I go see doctor I got BAD infection on my inner ears and my inner cheeck chambers are filled with snot and also badly infected. .. What ...? What do I do wrong? Ya, I'm supposed to flush it daily with hot water and ocean salt. But I don't wanna. It hurts a lot. And last time I did it or tried to do it I felt just so much pain. It just hurted so damn much and I could not see it helping one thing to get my nose burn while  my throat and ears were already burning with pain.. Or my head was. Not my ears.

Funny thing. When ever I get infection in my ear only things I notice is "the pressure" inside my head and I feel bit drowsy and sleepy. Also I feel like I'm more angry to people. But no pain inside my ears. None unless I stick something inside them. Like Medicine. Then it hurts a lot. But other than that I just don't feel the pain there. I think its main reason why I never detect it in time.

I've heard other people that during infection inside inner ear they have pain. I just feel odd on my head. Maybe it is because I got so many of these that my head actually become numb for the pain.- 

---
But ya. I think I'm done with this flu and I hate it, but for my bad I feel that IT loves me and always comes back. I had a boy like that in confirmation camp. And he was annoying! Stalked me and wanted me to date him.

#OnlyRabbitProbemos

I was just thinking that I love streaming and being social as long I have quick escape route clear in case things get rough. Like pause stream button or shutting down the computer.
ehehhe.

But still I for most of the time I'm home also my parents are and they watch tv with full volume and kill my ears. Also they make me walk dogs 30mins x 3 per day. Also they wanna me do all random chores they can think of.

So basilcy no time to edit, or no peace and quiet to stream stuff.. Or when I finally have I'm so damn tired I just wanna sleep.

But I have to admit I would love to live like Pewdiepie. I mean not needing to go work but work from home and product media for other people. And being social from home. But ya. No such luck.

First of I would need to buy my own house and then my own food. And have money for bills. That requests of looots of money.  So I would need to get good job first, but then again I wanna work online and do stuff online. But then again I need money for it, but I kinda don't get any money before I do it.

Life is hard broskies. Try live with it.

Maybe I'll figure out something. Ya, I know. Its not like I would be able to live just with my blog's adds. While none actually ever sees them because everyone uses addblock. I also use it on youtube sometimesh.. Heheh. So I don't blame you.

And just in case you wanna know more of my problemos you can follow me twitter and Tumblr.

And speaking of Tumblr I did whole rework with my theme. Also made own account for Räävis, so I could keep Räävis directed stuff better organized and so you bros would have change to send him fanmail. Yes. I know you want to spam Räävis with fanmail.

His address is the same:
angstingmouse.tumblr.com/

Fashion and being me

Fashion for Passion...? Ya for Passion of the Christ.

..
For somereason I get reflex-like bad feeling and feel sick when ever I hear the word "fashion". I just don't get it. Okay. For myself its most important that my clothes feel good and look nice for my taste. I don't give damn about if they are okay by fashion. Or at the other hand if someone says I look cool and I have good fashion skills and I'm wearing trend clothes you might be quite sure I destroy the peace of clothes first time I get the change. I dunno. I just somehow feel like I was allergic to it. Maybe I'm.

..
And whats the big who wha about what people look like anyhow? Okay I get it its not right if you wear trash bag and dog poop on you but other than that I'm not interested. Ya. Just popped to my mind to write about this thing since there seems to be so many fashion centered blogs and people around. And also I just keep wondering if I should change my point of view. But since I got no reason for it I think I'm not doing it. Not today at least. Maybe tomorrow. Or I dunno. Hehe.

But ya other thing I don't get when people don't like themselves and try look like someone else. Like some movie star or film star or charachter from some book. I get it people in movies are beautiful. But so are you. Every one of us is beautiful. In our own way. We all are unique and important. So if you don't look like every averange movie star just be happy. You aren't mass production and cheap copy cat. You are you and perfect the way you are. That is the point and thing that makes each one of us valuabe and unique. We are we and there is no way of replacing any of us.

Humans are unique and I think thats how it should be. But somehow we are scared of it?
Well Maybe I quit this typing now and make an other post about being scared of it.

I never had skill to shut up

This is really interesting. When I m planning going to sleep but then suddenly I feel like my head is full of pictures and sounds and all I want to do is write about them or draw or sing or do anything else than sleeping. Is this part of the adhd? Maybe. Or maybe we never shall see the truth that is hidden behind the mist that is all around my head.

Nowdays only way to open my heart or make any kind of diagnose inside my head for myself is to write things down. In situations like this I usually have nothing to tell or write about but when I do write I notice all the things I end up telling from deep inside my head. Its kinda scary, and it is happening again right now. I really have nothing to say about but still I keep writing words that come from somewhere deep middle of the dusky darkness that people call their imagination or their head.

Maybe I should go to sleep.. or at least do my readers a favor and write this in Finnish. But somehow I feel like this thing gets rotten if tried to force myself speak Finnish. Funny fact, I do lots of thinking in English while I m thinking etc what to write about.Or at least now when all words just flow from somewhere and make my hands move in keyboard it is English. I really don't know why this feels so natural. An other weirdo natural feeling thing is Russia. I started to learn reading it a week ago but still it feels like some magical force has turned right direction when I read English or Russian. It just feels like a dream within a dream. Like a distant memory of a dream I have seen long ago far from here.

But where did these memories came from? Why does it seem so right? Who m'I anyways?Many times I have felt my head and world inside my head ain't like any other. I feel like I m freak, and for damn sure you now think I m a freak. I don't care. The most crazies things number one is that I don't care about anything. Its mostly likely part of me being at home and thinking of job opportunities and changes I can take? Maybe I should to rush into action instead of sitting here but I just kinda aren't the type of person.. I dunno

And just to rewind  bit back like I told you earlier I had no intention to write long text. My idea was mostly to go to sleep but as soon as I started writing my head seems to be filled with words that come directly from somewhere to my brains and I only do like a robot, write without half of me realizing I have again filled almost whole page with this odd thinking I m doing.

Now when I remember it when I was a kid I used to talk to myself. Do it a lot. Then At age of 4 or 5 I learned other people did not do it. They kept thinking inside their heads. Then I studied it but now I keep thinking maybe this is somekind of variation of this thing.

And to the other thing, sometimes I feel like there are many personalities inside of myself. There is me, and the other me. Its really scary and spooky and I could write about it a whole book. Maybe I should not confuse your head no longer with it.

I already have spoken about it earlier. I think now it is time to me to go to bed and keep talking tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow sounds good doesn't it? Its surely is full of hope end being brighter.

Good morning peeeople

Hi there everyone. I decided that it is time to me to take myself from neck and straight up and start uploading here stuff daily. Yep, that is what I m going to do. If I fail, please feel free to hit me.. or Vinnie if I happen to escape somewhere like in my bed sleeping when I m lazy.

Yep yesterday was pretty good day and weather was good. Or maybe bit too  hot. But today I m sure ( or my inner radar in my head) tells me that it is going to rain and heavy. Man, I was just getting used to be in sunlight. Someone has been escaping sun and social life for while because "is scared of everything".

Well we must see what happens.. or maybe we never see it. Either way today I was asked to draw and after using two whole days being lazy and just managing to make small brush sets maybe I should start working harder. And draw something.

Latest news of my summer

The summer has finally fallen in Finland. Its kinda lovely how warm it is outside.
It is like whole new world after that cold and hard winter when you could barely see the sun. Now it seems the sun never goes to sleep but keeps hanging around 24/7. Well I have heard that in Lapland it really happens even never seen it with mine own eyes.

Well soon we will have our summer holiday. Actually now beginning week is the last one. I kinda feel sad because it. Well it is nice to relax and sleep but I have to admit that I m going to miss my class during the summer. We just have the best gang there. Everyone of us is just unique and that makes us "us". The second year media student group middle of nowhere.

I also feel bit sad when I think about it that during these two awesome year our group has become smaller when some of us have failed to keep going and studying. They have come tired because long days at school or then just wanted to do something else instead of studying. Well luckily the main group is still the same even     some people dropped out of the school at the beginning of the year. I kinda feel ashamed because I have already forgotten their names.

But I still want to keep studying editing and coding even I have learned myself my lessons how hard it can get. Maybe my classmates are right and I m mad.. After all I think we all are bit mad.  I just happen to be the one who loves coding Java Script and HTML5.

But what would I tell about my life and happenings..?
Please comment and say aloud what you want to read. :3

I would love to write a lot of things but then I notice I need to go to do couple of ambience thingies for Monday.

Writing more soon..
-Varjokani

My personalities

When I come to think about myself.. About all sad times I had and all feelings that I  had in my life I feel thinking of how I become what I m. After seeing movie based of life of Truddi Chase, girl who had documented with MPD; multiple personalities disorder I have started to think of my own personality.
There is the part of me that is nice and caring and polite but really really weak from inside and who easily wants to cry. When the other side is ready to be social and nice and is always getting great ideas and inspiration from things around me...

Then I have the warrior side of my persona that sometimes I m ready to fight till death. The warrior type of me is silent and just stares people around me. I dunno maybe I m analyzing myself too hard. I just remember when being in confirmation camp I could not get sleep when others were yelling middle of night. I just rose from bed and stared them because I was too tired to talk.. And they said I looked like I was about to kill them. They were scared and I found it odd.

Maybe I do have many sides of my personalities and I think I should not have any reason to worry about MPD as long as I can remeber all things and don't feel like I m snipped awake from moment that I don't remember what happened.  So I think I m just normal kid but I still find this kind of thinking interesting. Yet I know when I write this all nonsense here I m sure everyone thinks I m stupid. But you know what. I could not care less. Or at least the "warrior" side of me does not care.

North Korean lead morals? Our morals?

Many people wonder what does go on inside Kim Jong Un -if he even thinks of nothing- I m sure about that.

Some might even think that maybe he does what he does because of his father. But do we really think why he does what he does? What are his moralic values of life?

We know that he has done lots of bad things. We all have done bad things. And we know that he is kind of person who does not be scared to put people in jail or kill them if he does not enjoy how "some of people" think.

Why is that? Is it just because he is mad? Nope. I think its more because no one taught him to value life itself. Nonsense you say.  But think of it. If he would keep life and freedom in high value would he try be so hardly what he now is? I m sure he does not.

And where does this way of thinking come from? From Bible?..
Nope. It is more like "Evolution-believing"  :
"We have no reason to be in this planet.. We are worth nothing.." -way of thinking.

And even we have seen this way of thinking effecting our own children in a way that they take a gun with them and shoot their class mates why still no one notices how dangerous is to teach "We have no reason to live.. unless we make it ourself."

Just thinking of it.

I m sure many of you will be disagree with this argument and I m not forcing you to be agree with me. Also I hope you are smart enough to let me have my opinion instead of starting a fight just to tell how wrong I might be.

I believe life is a gift from the God, and this kind of thinking puts us all in danger.

Feverish nonsense of nothing interesting

I just feel like writing a story even I don't have any ideas what to tell. Also I feel numb and sensless like I was half dead. Maybe it is because I feel really tired... But somehow I still want to write a storyline of mice and rats and all kind of creatures fighting for their freedom somewhere far away from here in the era when humans were not concoured all the forests and land in world themselves.

I have imagine in my head about animals ruling all by themselves and taking care of their own busines. But maybe it is because of fever starting to rise again.. or maybe it is because I just read 'The secret of Nimh' but at the other hand I think it is because of both.

Forest, walleys and rivers they all kinda float before my eyes and I feel like I m there not here. I kinda can hear the wind in trees and feel the sun in my face. But not only I can feel the warmness of the sun, but I can feel something really evil lurking around.

That is the world I wanna write about but my head feels kinda empty of toughts. I don't have any ideas what would be the main plot. Lost sword or lost "hero" finding himself being hero feels too used for me.. Same thing goes with the "One ring to rule them all."

Maybe I m odd, because when I  m tired or ill I always want to write stories and do stuff.. Just when I was supposed to rest and take a nap I want to write or do something else instead.. Who cares. I bet no one reads this blog anyways. Well I don't care it either if anyone really reads this or not but I just feel like this writing kinda clears the mist inside my head.

Well my head is different for rest of us. After all I was supposed to be "A wild child".. I have read it takes only 2-3 years to human grow up his/hers first years without any contacts in other humankind to become one ... well whatever.

I just keep thinking what would happen if not and when not that and this but same time I feel like thinking of nothing, when the other side of my head keeps planning the plot for new novel. Well I quess it is normal for me when I m ill. I never tought of it before before now.

Maybe I should stop writing all this nonsense and shit?.. Why? Then I would feel really bored and I really don't feel like I want to go to bed just yet. And maybe if I keep writing my toughts down I manage to cathch up that Fever raged picture from my head and make a good book plot from it.

That brings to me to think that I never published any of my official texts anywhere.. Should I? Maybe not. I think they would be too boring so no one would not read them anyways. But anyways why do I think of what people do think anyways? Why anyone thinks of that?

It seems to be somekind of inner type in our nature to think what other think of us even it only makes us to think before we act, but somehow it also makes us to not act.. Because we somehow are scared of the world around us. Why? That is a question we all can ask from ourselfs and maybe we wake up a bit smarter at next morning.. Maybe not but maybe.

Well I think I m saved..

I managed to download free version of Daz studio to give it as present to my boyfriend. I really hope he likes it.. ^^

But I m still ill and feel really odd and kinda over energized and I hope people will not hate me now. If they do hate me well they haven't said anything just yet.

Still I should be doing some school stuff soon. I still have to finish my audio book and couple other things. But also I feel kinda too tired to think about them now. Maybe I will think of them later and suffer for them later. At the moment I feel too feverish to think anything smart but also I feel I have too much energy to go to sleep now. Also how could I sleep when I promised to go to my boyfrend's birthday.

..
I should also think what code I m going to specialize. I have been thinking of Java Script, Phyton and Lua and I feel like having difficulties to choose between those. Maybe I will make out something maybe I will not. Who knows. After all we cant tell what happens untill it happens for sure.

Also that saying goes with all things with our lifes. We can't know anything until it happens. We might live our last minute now or tomorrow or maybe it will come after next thousand of years..
We will never know. Also  I think it is a good thing just for our own safeside to not know happenings of tomorrow.  Just think of it. If we would know what would happen to us next we would surely try stay "home and safe" doing nothing and then will would notice we would die knowing having really boring life behind of us.

Would that be nice? Maybe for some of us would say yes but I m not so sure about it. I somehow like surprises and interesting events in life.

But I will writing more soon
-Varjokani

私は痛みを伴う何を参照してください。誰かが自分の人生を殺したとき。

人生はとても短いです..？
一部の人はただ座って何もしない理由を私はまだそれを得ることはありません。また、私は彼らを助けるために何ができる何かがあることを願っています。私はただ座って凝視し、他は無駄に命を殺すときに座るのは嫌だ。しかし、私は何ができますか？私はそれらを強制することはできませんので、私はただ座って、彼らはアイデアと共に生きる彼らの変更を殺すように見守る必要がある "私は怠け者ノーメートル、私は後に動作します。"それは私が見て痛い方法ああ。私は悲しい思いがする。 ：（

Small info of this year...

Yes I have been lazy with school. Also I have been troubled by not having enough time of my own. Like I have hardly time to study, and then the rest of my time goes when I try to reload myself for the next day. Yes I think most of people just think I m just shittyhead idiot who has no life but they are wrong. I m not idiot. I m just freaking bored of being "like everyone else". I just wanna be me, and this is how Varjokani became to be like it is today. Its 100% result of me being bored and wanted to do something random. Yes, I guess many hate me because of it because in in Finland you just have to be "normal" or then everyone will hate you. Or at least you have be like everyone else. Like part of large flood, and if you arent you are idiot, and stupid. I just guess I m too stubborn headed to act like people wish me to do. It just not me at all. Somehow I feel like if I try to act like everyone else I fail everyone, and I cant act anything else but to be stupid old me. 8-) I think everyone have right to be what they are, but somehow it seems like I dont have that right. But I dont care. I will be me till the very end of my days. And yes, I m being over dramatic but you just have to live with it. Just go away from this page... Oh and I almost forgot. I m planning new project but that is kinda a secret. You can see it later... If I ever get energy to post here when no one reads these posts anyway. :-) -Varjokani

浜松のハレルヤコミュニティーチャーチで行われたワーシップの様子

Just wanted to share this beautiful song with you guys. Even you are Christian or not, you have to admit that this is beautiful.
I love their voice and how they really love to sing.  I think that this is what singing and worshiping is a all about; to love to do it, and have fun. But enjoy!
-Varjokani