I never had skill to shut up

This is really interesting. When I m planning going to sleep but then suddenly I feel like my head is full of pictures and sounds and all I want to do is write about them or draw or sing or do anything else than sleeping. Is this part of the adhd? Maybe. Or maybe we never shall see the truth that is hidden behind the mist that is all around my head.

Nowdays only way to open my heart or make any kind of diagnose inside my head for myself is to write things down. In situations like this I usually have nothing to tell or write about but when I do write I notice all the things I end up telling from deep inside my head. Its kinda scary, and it is happening again right now. I really have nothing to say about but still I keep writing words that come from somewhere deep middle of the dusky darkness that people call their imagination or their head.

Maybe I should go to sleep.. or at least do my readers a favor and write this in Finnish. But somehow I feel like this thing gets rotten if tried to force myself speak Finnish. Funny fact, I do lots of thinking in English while I m thinking etc what to write about.Or at least now when all words just flow from somewhere and make my hands move in keyboard it is English. I really don't know why this feels so natural. An other weirdo natural feeling thing is Russia. I started to learn reading it a week ago but still it feels like some magical force has turned right direction when I read English or Russian. It just feels like a dream within a dream. Like a distant memory of a dream I have seen long ago far from here.

But where did these memories came from? Why does it seem so right? Who m'I anyways?Many times I have felt my head and world inside my head ain't like any other. I feel like I m freak, and for damn sure you now think I m a freak. I don't care. The most crazies things number one is that I don't care about anything. Its mostly likely part of me being at home and thinking of job opportunities and changes I can take? Maybe I should to rush into action instead of sitting here but I just kinda aren't the type of person.. I dunno

And just to rewind  bit back like I told you earlier I had no intention to write long text. My idea was mostly to go to sleep but as soon as I started writing my head seems to be filled with words that come directly from somewhere to my brains and I only do like a robot, write without half of me realizing I have again filled almost whole page with this odd thinking I m doing.

Now when I remember it when I was a kid I used to talk to myself. Do it a lot. Then At age of 4 or 5 I learned other people did not do it. They kept thinking inside their heads. Then I studied it but now I keep thinking maybe this is somekind of variation of this thing.

And to the other thing, sometimes I feel like there are many personalities inside of myself. There is me, and the other me. Its really scary and spooky and I could write about it a whole book. Maybe I should not confuse your head no longer with it.

I already have spoken about it earlier. I think now it is time to me to go to bed and keep talking tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow sounds good doesn't it? Its surely is full of hope end being brighter.

My personalities

When I come to think about myself.. About all sad times I had and all feelings that I  had in my life I feel thinking of how I become what I m. After seeing movie based of life of Truddi Chase, girl who had documented with MPD; multiple personalities disorder I have started to think of my own personality.
There is the part of me that is nice and caring and polite but really really weak from inside and who easily wants to cry. When the other side is ready to be social and nice and is always getting great ideas and inspiration from things around me...

Then I have the warrior side of my persona that sometimes I m ready to fight till death. The warrior type of me is silent and just stares people around me. I dunno maybe I m analyzing myself too hard. I just remember when being in confirmation camp I could not get sleep when others were yelling middle of night. I just rose from bed and stared them because I was too tired to talk.. And they said I looked like I was about to kill them. They were scared and I found it odd.

Maybe I do have many sides of my personalities and I think I should not have any reason to worry about MPD as long as I can remeber all things and don't feel like I m snipped awake from moment that I don't remember what happened.  So I think I m just normal kid but I still find this kind of thinking interesting. Yet I know when I write this all nonsense here I m sure everyone thinks I m stupid. But you know what. I could not care less. Or at least the "warrior" side of me does not care.