The day when you should be happy but you just wanna..

Let go and stop breathing..

This would describle this coming week really well. I should have trip with my glass but because of my teacher traumatized me with yelling me for my depression and all tricks what they did to me to make me sad. When I said I felt bad they just lauched and made me want to jump into the river from really high.. Lukcily my buckhare (boyfriend) was there to stop me for doing it.

Also tomorrow would be spirng feast of my school and everyone should graduate and or move on.. Everyone else but me. I havent been at school for 2-3 weeks now because I just have felt myself so tired and lost. I also haves troubles at home because my dad does not like me at all and when I m sad and cant take any critique or yelling I m really mad really quick at him. Also it takes effect that my granny is really ill and dad tries to take care of her and he does not see that I m dying.

But yes. All my friends are going to have  get papers for that they did study this year but not me because I just cant find any power to go into school. I just feel so weak... and lost and empty. I tried to learn trust people again and then they stabbed me on my back and hurted me a lot. And when I told that it hurted they laughed and they call themself "Student caring teachers who enjoy their work". As well I could say that I have engagement with a hare and have 10 0000 of childrens with it!


Also my boyfriend is graduating and he will become media assistant. I have that horrible feeling that I m not going to get my paper from school just because they dont like me. I still dont get why!? They have spread some shitty lies about me and they always have 100 of reason why to act the way they do. First I was un-social, then I was depressed, then I had too bad panic disorder (I started to getting those because my teacher hurted me.) While my second of panic disorder I told my teacher that I needs to go home. He said no. Then I said that I´d like to go anywhere.. Even into the mountains. Then he just smiled and laughed. He was like "LOL!!" 
And  I was suffering about bad pain inside me.. Then the reason was that they wanna leave me more time at home for my hobbies. Then I was racist.. Me? If someone knows about being hurted from different hobby etc. its me. I did ask my friends if they had noticed me hurting someone and none of them did! Of curse if I have hurted someone I m terribly sorry but I and couple of my friends have a feeling that those were one of those lies of their. 




I just feel torn and half dead. I wanna be happy for my friends and go there hug them but something inside me says that I cant. I m alfraid that they might yell me more about "What is this show!?? WHy are you depressed?!?!?! Why cant you be happy!?!? WHY YOU DONT TRUST US? Why?!"
-__-''' I DID trust them but then they started to tease  me and laugh when I got hurted by them and mentioned about it.  I just cant! But still there is the an other half of mine who wants to be happy for my friends even teachers are entire different towards them. One of them said at school that he aint gonna graduate if they tease me like this. They spoke him a lot about how important it will become in future. Also when he fell ill not far ago there where lots of messages saying: "Oh.. Poor ya. It so sad that you are ill. I hope you will be okay soon so you can be graduated. You are important one!"

SO.. Everyone else seems to be okay and important but I m racist and fool jerk? ... That is so nice. -_-'
One of my dA friend guessed if they did not like that I was not so easy to be brainwashed into commununism what they seemed to supporting there.. EEh.. Even communism would be nicer! And because they "failed at brainwashing" into "Perfect human who is agree with everything!" *Even the favorite colours* they want now just make me to kill myself. If someone would told me when I started studying I would have lauhged and be like "NO wayy! XDD" but now that SEEMS only one version wic have any clue....

But how ever it is I m going to cry soon a lot.. I just wait with horror when my friends call me and tell me how happy they are. T_T


-Varjokani.


ps. To all irl friends of me. I love you a lot and I wish I could be with you guys but I m just so weak at the moment! Lots of hugs to you and congraz for got loved by teachers! :-) *I did not*

When things can go wrong they certainly will go really wrong..

Hiya!! I just got my network to work for sec so I m sending this out now!
My network is dead again, my bunny´s carrots have been spoiled and poor kid rabbit of mine could not tell it to me. Luckily I found it out now. Then I lost my phone´s USB- cable so I cant use my phone as a modem. T_T It just wanished in the air! And of course I cant go school because teachers have yelled me so much! T_T Also my school haves glass trip and I m die for to go but as depressed kid like me I cant because I m alfraid of more yelling that I cant bare because that I cant bare it.
I m just wondering why is my life so hard.
-Tanya

Hellou world!

It seems that finally our network has started to work! *YAY!* .. Even it still lags. :/
I have used this day really well.. I slept again over half of it. Then I edited my nevest speed painting witch is here:                                                                
I also melted bit of chocolate to make a chocolate bunny as a gift for a friend.. Too bad that first I had not enough of chocolate to do it and I melted it bit of more I failed when I started to shape it too early.. Then I found out that my chocolate was full of my mom´s dogs fur. EPIC FAIL! Then I tried to pick them up but there was always one or two peace of hair of more. Then finally I gave up and throw it a way. Luckily my mom promised to buy me some marzipan. I  hope that she remembers it because one of my friends is ill and I wants to make some surprise for ill friend to make my friend happy.

And my next score for today is to take some shampoo and fool with it before camera and put a new video into youtube!
But see ya! :
-Varjokani

How m I today?

(See the trailer of "Left behind" movie. I just bought the book and it seems so cool! )

I waked today "early".. That means before 11 am, then me and my mom took all our withe clothes to be washed into laundry. Thats because our own well is full of iron that makes everything withe brown and makes it looks like someone would throw over on them. We also visited at the flee market and I bought a new book called "Left Behind". Also I bought Bambi 2 on DVD. But Left behind seems awesome.. I m at the page 61, even I only read it our way back home from laudry. *I m faast XD*

Then when we got home we noticed that granny was not doing so well.. She don´t eat, she don´t drink.. I m worried about her even I m so full of sleeples nights for tressing because of her. Its kida feels good if she stays alive but the way my dad takes her illness is no good. He panics and yells to mom and me like mad lunatic.

At the other hand we also visited at cemetery and found out that our church is acting like jerk! Don´t get me wrong here. I m Christian, but there are some things that I belive are wrong and so on.. And  even thinking of digging into my dead born step sister´s grave and re- burying some random human there annoys me! She would be 23 now, so its not even so far from the time she was buried there. It kinda hurts me of even thinking of it.
 Council wants us to pay over 200 euros so we could let her rest in peace for 20 years, so they could just re-ask us money.

WHATTAA HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS!!! ARE YOU TURNING INTO "GRAVE ROBBERS OR WHAAAT, WUT WUT???????!!!!??!?! O________________________O

Yes, mom was really shocked about it. They sent us a note where they told us that we had till autum time to pay and then now when EVEN summer has not started there is a note at her grave that they want us to decide NOW!..

If this keeps going on I surely will change church.. I don´t wanna a part of grave robbing money-eating fake-christians who don´t even believe God. -_- I have nothing against atheist but church acing like jerks and making my mom´s depression worse I have!  I just want to cry aloud to some people there "WHAAAAT ARREE YAAA DOOOOING´?????!"

..
But well.. Its getting late so I will be writing more soon. I love you all. See ya! :-)
-Varjokani

About my irl life?

Like I a bit guessed yesterday I could not resist to upload new video on Youtube with my mobile phone.. So here it is. I just wanted to try "copy" anatomy to make it look more anthro.. And I think I will be doing more of those..

And now if you don´t want to hear  me telling about my life and the sad sides of it run! Run to the hills of the black rabbit of Inlé!

~~~~~~~~
But now about my irl life. Like almost every good friend of mine in Internet and in real life know I do have depression, and I m usually sad. Now I could not make myself move into school because my teachers yelled at me for being sad. And after all this mess they have made in my real life. Just now I can´t tell you more but I tell you that they are worse than any kind of communist in China, and meaner than demons.. For some reason they hate me. My own teacher even cried my mom that at the time of drawing lesson I drew a bunny! Even the subject was free he was mad at me for drawing a bunny.  All I have learn that he hates rabbits, but I think that because he is teacher he should not bring his own hating and trauma into the work, but stand one small Varjokani drawing a rabbit when she haves a change to do it..

But yes, that is why I have been really bothered nowdays.. I m trying to be friends with everyone and also I have tried to act polite and honest towards them. My bad that you can´t say same from my schools lead. They did all kinds of mean tricks towards me just to make sure that I don´t have training job place, or no place to keep studying at next year but just re-study their school..  Even I have been kinda of spread year just to relax, and I m a good student so they should not have any reason to not let me go.. Only that they don´t like me.

I just wish I knew what is wrong with them. Well. I think that I just needs to keep going and trying if I ever want to get a good job that I want to do.. And I want to draw and edit.
So lets just hope that everything will be better soon.

The truth is I love that school.. There are nice students and my classmates are awesome and each of them have their special abilities. One of them knows how to mix colors to get what color you ever want. That has become handy when she paints. That is so awesome to watch she doing it. An other of them is genious with 10 000 of good ideas what to do. Somehow I just love tho listen his ideas. An other of them just makes everyone to listen when she wants..  And then many others.  Most of the teachers have seemed aweome people as well but for my shame there have been some who really hate me, and wants to something bad to me.

I m sure that most of people maybe could think I m just imaging but I have been betrayed and hurt often. And somehow I just can smell if someone lies or wants to hurt me behind of my back. And they "smell" for both. Then one thing is how they talk "Oh you small child are so jerk that you don´t understand anything for this BIG world´s things.. Blaah.. blaah.. blaah".  Like we all where insane in my class!

I just don´t know what to do.. And there would be coming nice trip in couple of weeks with ship.. And every nice people are coming. I would love to go, but the matter is that I  can´t trust them. I feel like standing on rocky ground with my other paw other side of gorge and other at the other side and don´t know wich way to run.

YES! I know that its the most stupid way to act to just cry here in my blog but I just feel so lost.. Even I m happy in some moments then again I m just so sad and want to die. It does not make the situation any easier that  my granny is ill and my dad yells at me and scares me like mad lunatic just because he is scared himself.

But lets all pray and hope for better day coming soon because I just feels like if this keeps going I don´t know what do.

For being honest I had strange pain in my chest and mouth yesterday.. and for short moments I feel like the pain would be coming back. I just hope its not heart attack.. But I m scaring always for too easily for things like that, but still that worries me also..

But like I said praying for God is only thing we all can do.. Or at least I feel that there is no other way.
-Varjokani

About those things you just hate..

Hiya again!
Yep. I changed this blog´s language to English. Before this all menus where in Finnish. Stupid me did not notice that before..

But what was I going to say? Yes, I haven´t been here or anywhere else so much lately because our network connection, that cheating rabbit´s poop is not working... and I think  its dead.
We, me and my family live in countryside "behind the wolf´s side of the forest" and here everything seems to be broken.. Okay that is over reacted but nothing seems not to work. I have lived here so long, so I should have learned to live as "Tough Finnish jerk" but I m not Finnish, I m Varjokani so never going to happen.  However our network, that thing I now hate so much is not working.. In fact it never work so good, but at the moment its totally dead. It works for 3 minutes and then it just shuts down, and is broken.  The main reason for that is that w e live here and there is big forest between us and nearest town.. and the town in fact is so far.

Normally our network just lags down and snaps offline for 10 minutes and then works for 5 minutes and then again lags, but now its dead. No one in here has no "good internet connection".

YES we have called for the company who arranges our network. They just are like "Okay... We will see for that soon." That means "Nothing is happening for sure you jerks! You just pay us for this and we get lots of moneey!"

They EVEN sent us a letter saying ".. That because of problems in our network in countryside we are rising your network so it works better! You still pay for the original network so this is free!"
...
Yep.. Working ..? After that letter OUR network has lagged even more and now it has been almost a week not working. I tried to ask my mom and dad if I could have some way to get myself into internet buy some other way, but dad is  just thinking "No Varjokani! We are not  going to pay for shit that does not work." Okay.. He was testing some kind of "stick" in his computer ( I don´t know that word in English T_T) But it did not worked.. He had virus and 10 00000 of too much stuff in his computer so it did not worked anyway. But I still would like to EVEN try it in my computer.. And about "shit that does not work." *Points the wireless network connection box and shows her rabbit´s theets* That we are using right now is not working..

Yes. I m online at the moment when I m writing this text but I m going to pay for it a lot because I m using my mobile phone as  modem.  And dad told me that all "network stuff" bills are payed by my own savings so I can´t do that forever if I wish to  have any money when I m moving into my own house someday. Just to mention.. Money does not mean so much to me but even stupid rabbit like I know that if you have no money to buy food your fridge is soon empty for carrots and food. That is no´t good deal.

That is why I m hoping network to work but at the moment so is not in Finland. And that is not only thing what is not working here; After Finland´s television turned into digital it takes only small breeze of wind to tv to say "no connection".

I still can remember when I was 5 and watched tv with my mom. It was thundering and I could hear windows to  screek just because flash lighting just hit near. Still tv was working okay. And  if I remember right our lights got off because flash hit the powerline somewhere.. Then also tv turned off. But we just turned it on and kept watching.. But no nowdays. Now even small wind is losing signal of digital senter from where ever they are sending those from.

Same goes with internet connection.

At this end I want to say that I m really sorry that you had to read this but I just want to tell everyone how "honest and reliable is Finland in real". Council and goverment speak a lot... but no acts. For us who lives far from everything.

But lets just hope that everything will turn into good someday.. Even I half know that it does not and I know that it may take long to me to do anything if I just then don´t get into my head to upload something with my phone and suffer it later and I m sorry for you all to have to wait for  my next video.
-Varjokani

Good morniing!

Helloou!
Yep. It is me again. "Miss lazynes bunny froom Finland". I have been weekend with my buck hare here.. and its soo nice to have some time with him. :-)
Just so sad he lives so far a way from my home and I needs to go back home soon.
But hey! That is how life goes by. It full of stuff thad we don´t wanna do. We usually more likely hate to do it. Like cleaning the house.. For me that is cleaning my room and trhowing all bad "banned" sketches into trash from my floor. Yes, even it does look like I put everything I make into dA, I still throw a lots of stuff away if I dont then lost them into my room, and then after 2 years I m like; "Okaay.. What I do here. Oh! I do remember.. I was going to do this and that, but then I just forgot it" -_-'

Usually it just is that we have things of 3 sort. The things we don´t do, things we do even we don´t like it, and the things we have to do to survive.. And I almost forgot the fourth one; Things we do for fun, but lets just skip it. We have lots of stuff we don´t like to do, but we still do. Like cleaning, homeworks, studying... etc.

But what if we REALLY newer  cleaned or studied. Just would lie down for generation, and eat chips? For first thing to happen would be that chips and threat would end if no one would not run those faxtories. Then all kind of infections would spread.. And you could find out to not live alone, but have small flee and his 10 0000 of kids living with you. All kind of thics and flies and ants love messynes so they would enjoy your company a lot. If no  one did anything it would happen and soon we all would die for no food, and for bad health, because no humans or us brown hares are not meant to live in messyness.  So yeees.. Even I hate to admit it that all "annoying" and boring stuff we have to do take a nerve and make me to hate them, they are still important. If we all would just sit here, ( Speak to the hare, I m sitting here right now. XD ) we would surely die.


So lets all be working hard, and trying our best to keep us alive, okay? I just hope you read this and think of all the things I said. yes, you might think that this is all a shit, but if you even think if I m really happy that you listened. *hug*  And remember that I always love everyone as a friend. Keep good care of yourself.. If no other´s shake, do it for me because you are also important. There is no other who is JUST like you. There is only you like there  is only one Varjokani and only one buck hare of mine.
See ya!
-Varjokani

Obama -message for u-

If I would have a change to meet Obama now I would love to yell to him ”Whut are you thinking of????????? WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?” o______O

Okay for personal point of view I believe that everyone should be premission to live and be free for war and fear. Yes Palestine and Gaza need that too of course.. BUT SO DOES ALSO ISRAEL!
I just mean that I think its riskful to cut out parts from Israel. Its like you would invite someone to attack there and kill them all.

Yes I think everyone should be able to fit in this planet, but not by cutting Israel a parts so everyone, even small kid can attack there. No! That is not what Varjokani wants.

Yeep. I have said all I felt needed. I just felt like if I dont say this aloud my head will heat over. But lets all pray that there would be safe and peaceful for everyone. But remember, there can be peace only if everyone on both sides REALLY want it. If we want to kill eachother there will be nothing good coming. Even I live in Finland, even I can see that. But lets just pray.
-Varjokani

Ps, no i m not taking anyones sides here. I just see that there is a bad risk for more war, and I dont like war. I hate war and fighting! Yes.. I dont care a hell what is the reason to some folk fight but I want it to stop now! And I feel like Osama ask the war to come! I think Osama puts me into shame with his doings. I want all kind of ”bad Israel stop teasing others”-stuff to end! There has been bad things to happening on both sides. Why? Becausw we are human beings, we are not Gods. Only perfect one here is God!

Here again!

 ---->
See my newest video on youtube!! :-)

 
Hi!
Night has started to fall here in Finland, but I just felt like I wanted to write something here before going a sleep. Yes, one thing to mention right here at start, yes I know that Finland won, but NO I don´t like it. Don´t think that I m cheater or traitor or rat before you have read this entry.

I came home late at yesterday night. I was helping filming Uneton48 stuff for one youth media. I barely got any sleep there because I were busy. Then I finally came back at the right  end of Finland I felt really tired. I felt so tired that I stayed over night with my buck hare*. He was really kind to let me stay and then I had a change to sleep finally after 48h of busyness and editing and acting.. BUT did I had a lovely peaceful silence I was hoping for? NO! The mad screaming and yelling kept going over whole night. And because I had been busy I had no idea why there was such of yelling and screaming going on, because I just had no time to watch tv, or media because work with that film took all of my time, and when I was not working I was tried to had naps. So when I was with my buck it was so close that we both did not call over police for "pointless and crazy yelling at the neighborhood middle of the night."  But then we heard from our friend about the situation. For being honest I were really sad for losing my "peaceful change to have a good rest and sleep well."

Then for morning and by next days everyone have been talking about the game and how "fun" it had been. If you  think that winning was fun I say to you I m partly agree, but it was no fun that I had no change to sleep after being on hard work for 48h and having only some 4 hours to sleep, if even that.

But yees.. Thats all for me being mad for Ice hockey. All I say that I wish that Russia or Sweden had win, then I could have slept well at that night instead of me being bad lack of sleep. But now into the time with me and my own buck hare. He was really nice to me. He even bought me the old "Narnia: The lion, the witch and the wardrobe" by BBC. He just asked me to come with him to buy it and then he said "Oh.. And this is for  you." *hug* I think that it was really nice for him. I just wish I were old enough to marry him.. Well luckily I m soon old enough to do it!

And also I hope that changes like Uneton48 movie competion will be more in future. I just loved that time there!  They even brought us (my and my buck) lots of carrots because we were their "brown hares". Then I got one awesome cd at free.

But I think I will be going to sleep now  when I have the change to do it, and relax with some good book maybe. I m sorry for every Ice hockey fans if this text hurt your feelings. I have nothing against you guys, you are awesome, but please next time when yelling please remember that some folk maybe wants to get some sleep after long and hard work. This is a small country and I think we all should be able to fit in here. Even I who wants to sleep..

* Human-rabbit -hybrid like me does not say boyfriend, but says "buck hare" instead.

-Tanya Efrafalainen

ps. I love you all! Thanks for support.

Hiya!

Hi!
Welcome to read the one and only really alive-being one blogs of Varjokani. It is true that I have Finnish lnguage blog on my.Opera[dot]com but I simply m too lazy to update it. And now into the one of the 'main message of this blog' or the main reason Im sitting here and writing this; my lazyness.

Lately I just have been really lazy. I have almost forgot one rp at Gaiaonline.com 'till one of my friends sent me a message for it. That is  a shame because I really loved that rp.  It just is that its so hard to do anyting as I planned. Yes, I m still quite active on dA, an youtube but I just feel bit of like its hard to keep being online and active all those awesome sites that I have account, and those wich I like. But why m I like this? I have been melancoly person whole of my life.. Or at least really big part of it. And then I have been suffering from depression for 5 years now.. At least. But what have changed? That I really can feel that I m alive. I have met the most awesome "buck rabbit" of my life. I just feel like I enjoy the time with him.

Yes, now of course you think that my sad times were over, but it is hot.. Yet. I read somewere that "..as long as you have hard times, and you feel like keeping going on is impossible then surely you are on the right way."  Yes, When I first heard it of I was like what the heck? How? It is true that hard times are so annoying, and feel shitty and that it never feels easier to remember them an of course when you started to feel ok, you fall down on the bottom. But the truth is that after this all shit in my small life it has become easier to understand those who also suffer. I so can understand people who feel like there is nothing left and they want to die because I have also felt it and I still do at some times. For being onest that is how every awesome people I know have felt. If u ever feel the same remember that all cool folk have had it, and they survived and now they can help others eith their understanding

And why in heck m I writing this? Because most of the people around me dont see what I do. My teachers etc. hate me for being me, and they keep wondering why I m sad after going trought all the stuff I have.

But now for the good things I would mention I and my buck (human-rabbit hybrid like me don´t use the word 'boyfriend') have been making short movie film for Uneton48. Dont worry. I will link it here when it comes out from youtube. I love u and remember when u have hard, then u know u are special, not just some mass 'i m happy fellow' who only sees himself, and is blind to suffering of others.

(Ps. I try to be "active".)

-Varjokani