My oppinion on Ads?

Before I started using Ads myself in my blog I used to hate ads. But now when I realize how much of a difference just me seeing some ads and clicking them makes to the person who is hosting the ads I often find myself clicking ads on people's blog to give them like 00.03 cent earnings. Also I've found really nice stuff from Advertisement. I remember my first fave online game gosupermodel is something I found from advertisement. And I also found lots of nice drawing sites and gadgets from ads. I'm not saying that you have to focus on the ads on my site but I'm just saying that I found some nice stuff from ads when I was browsing online.
One thing that I can say is that I monitor the ads on my web page daily and make sure that there is nothing unsuitable there.

But like keeping your own blog changes your view on many things.  I recommend blogging to everyone who enjoys writing stuff about their daily life and their hobbies. This is actually really relaxing.

Hahaha now I know who he is XD

Lets talk about Ginga Densetsu Noah.

I've been reading the Finnish GNG-forum and today someone finally at least 99% confirmed it being this guy:

Yes, I've been familiar with GNG merchandise mostly trough animes like Ginga Nagareboshi Gin, and Ginga Densetsu Weed. I tried to start buying manga, but I ran out of pocket money after 3th GNG book. That is why my point of view from this can be different to those who have been following the manga. To me this is the first GNG main charachter who does not resemble Gin at all. Yes, I m aweare of Rigel, Sirius and Orion. While Orion is first GNG main hero with different fur color he still is reconized as "average Ginga charachter" by everyone from just one look at him. Yes while Takahashi's art style is really recognizable and everyone is still able to tell that this is Yoshiro Takahashi's work I would still call out this being the first  not direct Ginga mockup copy as a charachter. At least considering how he looks by coloring. Yes he still clearly is at least 1% Akita dog, but still I'm interested to see what kind of person Noah turns to be as a person. Takahashi has been critizited at least people I know a lot about how the main charachter is always too similiar to the old one. Of curse most of these people are like me, and have only seen Weed and Gin in anime.
While Weed was critisized for being "too nice" and "too merciful" he still was quite the same as Gin. Maybe the "Wanna be friends with everyone" bar boosted bit too much he was still really much like Gin was when he was young.

It could be that Yoshiro has finally realized that he can't tell the same story too many times.. About same family of dogs having lost contact with their fathers and father not even knowing about their son. But we will have to wait for more updates on Kaksoissola.net to find out.

What I have been doing today

Today I have been doing fast-walking for half an hour. My legs are still killing me. Also Ive played a lot of the Sims 4. Ive forgotten how fun game it actually is. I think is should stream it more. I did stream it a bit but because I havent been streaming for while I found it bit exhausting. As those who know me know, at the other hand Im really social person and I love talking with people. But then I'm also kind of person who gets exhausted when being around of lots of people or pressure. And streaming also is stressing in a way. Especially when I keep the face cam on. I m always worrying if I talk clear enouhg or look okay for the shot.

I m really self aware and I tend to critisize myself way too much and that is most common reason for me being tired in the end. I m just over extending stuff inside my small rabbit brains and making such a fuss about everything when in the end there is nothing to worry about. One example of this kind of behaviour is I got really nervous when I noticed someone was checking this blog once in half an hour from same IP address. As blog writer I should be happy for it but for some reason my first question was like "Did I do something wrong because someone is reading my blog?" And I stressed and chatted about it for couple dear friends of mine and they convinced me that it was okay and normal. But like I admit that I must have some kind of trauma of situations where I'm noticed I usually flarg something up and fail so much that at least someone is displeased on me. And there we go again on the subject that I've talked a lot about lately. I still have this odd urge to please people and over think about what other people think about me into the lengts that I m not able to enjoy at all.
Now I realize how silly it was me to panic about getting readers when in fact I love that you guys read this blog. I enjoy talking and telling you what I think about. But for some reason I just got bit creeped out.

But that does not mean that I dont want you to read my blog. I just was not so used into fact that someone would actually read this. To me this has been mostly a thing I do for my own enjoyment and I havent been really paying any attenttion whatever someone reads this or not even I did put Adsense up here like years ago. And yes, I m sorry that you have to suffer trough Ads, but at the moment I dont have a job and I could really use the extra money Google is offering for each Add that I manage to show so please bare with it.

Oh boy. I was planning this to be short update from today but somehow this just got out of paws again. Well, this is me, when I start to talking or writing about something there is no end for the fload of words or the text. The stuff just comes automaticly out from my brains with out me noticing anything, exept the huge amount of text that I've left behind. Its crazy really how I just think like okay lets put here couple of words about what I've been doing today and before I even notice it there are lots of text, but then again people say its a good thing.

But anyhows its past 21:00 pm local time and I think I'm going to quit hanging online and playing the Sims 4 for today and I will try to go and get some sleep.

But again, I love when you people have the energy to read my blog. Big thank you for that. Hugs and God bless and good night.
-Varjokani

Psst..

Just in case you all missed it I m currently streaming here.
Edit: Okay fun is over. I will stream more later. I hope you enjoyed it.
*hugs*

Thinks to be waiting for in summer 2019

Here are some things that I m currently waiting for in summer 2019

1.  Lion King Live action
   really scared really, because its made by same folk that did Jungle Book, and that movie failed on som many levels. It failed for trying to copy the book and to copy the Disney cartoon. It took all things I loved in both of them and threw them out from the window. Thay almost ruined the whole Daddyheera* for me.
2. My Birthday
   That event  coming at 21.06 and I'm really nervous for it. I m not ready to be 25 years old. But the good thing is that this year me and my irl friend who has birthday one day earlier than me are throwing a party together. I still have to figure what to buy for him. He did buy me Fallout 4 last year.
3.  Ginga Nagareboshi Gin stage drama show
   I loved the "original" Finnish theatherical releases of both Ginga and Weed. They were awesome. Ive been hanging out on this one Finnish GNG site waiting for news if there is gonna be official dvd release of the product later on that I can purchase. I dunno if I m gonna hang out in the forums after recieving info of the drama show. Maybe, if I get hyped. But for one thing I m sure. GNG will never replace Guardians of the Galaxy in my heart. Fun fact I did originally fall in love with them for same reason; The awesome music and relatable charachters. Now as an adult  I can see how annoying charachter Gin was as in Ginga Nagareboshi Gin. For the sequels Yoshiro Takahashi toned it down in heavy strokes. But truth is if one acts like Gin in real life they get hated and bullied. Other peole aren't so keen on being friends with you if you take life lessons from Ginga considering your social skills and how you act towards other people. Yes it teaches to be honest and kind, but Gin is more than that. He is annoying and he exepts everyone to wanting to be his friends. I learned it the hard way that one can't be friend with everyone.
4. Ginga Densetsu Noah
   This one I m not so keen on waiting but I m still following the news about it while I wait news from the stage drama. For so long as I m considered no one actually knows who Noah is or what Noah is. Its exiting.
   
   And added bonus because of the 4th is
5.  Deaths of Gin and Akame
   Almost all characters from the original Ginga nagareboshi Gin are gone and fans have been critisizing the fact that Gin is still alive and well. More weird part is that Akame seems to be just fine.. even he was semi-old dog in actual Ginga nagareboshi gin saga. I really want to try  some facial elixir he is putting on his face to keep it so pretty. But as a child I remember loving that anime and loving these characters, and as an adult I've learned that all good things come to the bitter end. I'm not even the fan of the series anymore, apart the musical. I loved it because it had awesome 1980's music from my childhood turned into Finnish songs about the plot of GNG.

*Daddyheera and Mommaheera= The name I call Bagheera when he is acting like super motherly and protective towards Mowgli.

Updates on Weed

Hi. We are back from x-rays. There is no clear noticeable bone fracture but the sinew has partially loosen from the bone. Its still half attached to it on his left hind leg. Doctor put some bandgage on him but it fell straight when he walked trough dog gate on my door. Also when he tried to walk with it it seemed too heavy for him and it seemed just to give him more annoyence than use.
I might try make new bandage for him for the night to support the leg. But he is a cat and the vet warned us that it might slip loose really soon.

He got some  inflammatory drugs and order for house arrest for 3 weeks. We should try look after him so he would not jump around indoors either. But he loves jumping and sitting in high places and begging for food. First thing he did once he got home was rush to my room for cat food.

We will have to go for check up visit within 2-3 weeks afterwards to decide whatever we will keep giving him the painkillers for rest of his life. Im relieved to hear that it was not broken bone, but I m still bit worried. Now all I can hope is that the feet heals itself. But the hard factor is that Weedi is already 13 years old, and old cats heal slower than the young ones.
But Im hovewer grateful to have my "big baby boy" back home safe. Also I  owe to my in real life best friend for life for driving me to the wet and back home. You are the best sister! I dunno what would I have done with out you. Normally I would have bugged my mom into it, since I live with my family, but our car is currently under repairs.

But ya. Now I feel much more relaxed than I did before going to the wet. I might be able to get something to eat and maybe do some streaming that I ve have longing to do for a week. Only dark cloud in my life now is the literal ones because I can see them in the sky, and I can also feel my thunder headache poking my brains.

But in short he has a fracture where the area of ​​attachment of the joint, the plexus or the muscle stroke is torn off the bone at least partially.

Getting rid of unhealthy habits and addictions

First step is admitting to having a problem. Admitting that you are doing something that is unhealthy for you either menthal or physical way. Often the hardest part is the part where one admits that they have a problem. Only then and only after that it can be treated and helped to deal with.

Second part is realizing why something is unhealthy for you. You may know it but getting it hammered deep inside your heart can make huge difference. If you notice you drink too much Cola or hang out too much over the internet you will have to explain yourself why those are bad for you. Cola can harm your body in a way that it makes you fat. If  you keep browsing internet and just staring the blank screen all day long it can harm your brains. But mostly it harms your own social relationships. All the time one takes sitting on computer is time away from being with friends and talking with them.

And if one keeps just hanging online too much one will soon notice that all social skills are gone and humans are starting to avoid you. I have had slight social media addiction myself so I know what I m talking about. Also I have had Coca Cola addiction. It is no help saying "yaya. Its bad for me."

You need to say "Its bad for me because it makes me fat." or "Its bad for me because it takes time away from being happy with my friends."

Most important to think about this is if one just sits on computer and reads something they hate. Internet should never should be used as tortue device. If you find something over internet that makes you feel uncofortable you should not use all day of staring at it. It will destroy your brains. Also too much stress and negativity in general is harmful for your brains.

That is why Im linking a live stream video of Kitten Academy live stream here in the bottom so we can all just relax and watch something nice and positive for the change:

Kitten Academy Live Stream

Weed jumping game

Good morning. This morning to me started really slowly due to the reason I was finding it hard timt to shoo Weedi from my bed. It seems the painkiller shot he got helped, and he was finally able to sleep after being in great pain all day long.

 He even was purring again in the evening. I gave it in after midnight in a way that I first carried small babydoll-sized copy of my bed that we had in kitchen to my room, then brought some water to my room, and brought some catfood.

 When Weedi saw food he carefully stepped down from my bed using small stool I had put next to the bed. Then he rushed to eat. He must have felt like a little princess again because normally my room is where "the littlemen", aka Zorro and Veli normally dine, while Weed eats in our dressing room, wich is next to the showers. Its warm there and its has many places he can sit and lay dow.

 We feed them separetely because while Zorro lets everyone push him around and and is more than willing to let someone else to eat his food I have hands down to work to make sure Veli wont shoo Zorro away from food. And like Veli does not act aggressively at all, mere  the fact of Veli walking near the food and smelling it is enough to make Zorro back down. And Veli has habit of tasting bit of food from both of the cups and just leaving it there. But since Veli has tasted from them Zorro thinks they belong to Veli. And then no one eats the food. And Weedi is already too well known for "coming to clean the plates" afterwards. We usually let Zorro come and eat it during the night time. Yes, Zorro eats when he is hungry, but because he rarely moves anywhere and he just is lazy with me he rarely feels the need to eat so much.

But ya, tonight Weedi was sleeping in my room. While I went to the kitchen I saw Zorro sitting middle of kitchen's table and staring at me with judgement in his eyes. Usually he is the one who sleeps next me till I fall a sleep. He is something I call "my autistic little princess.." because the way he acts to things. He is really cute and I m partially to blame, okay I m all to blame for it because Ive been mothering him and spoiling him rotten from the moment I got the cat twins Zorro and Veli.

After having the dream come true from Weedi and eating in my room with permission he laid rest, not to the bed I carried for him, but on floor. I told him good night, and I told him he is free to use both the bed on the floor or my bed. I even moved him to the doll bed. But as I turned off lights I noticed him walking back to my bed and falling a sleep next to my feet. He stayed there till morning.

Now he is super active. He still seems to be putting less weight on the left hind leg, but he is acting his normal impulsive self. And he wants to go out for a jog. I saw him standing on his both hind legs and scratching the door a while ago.
I feel so bad for him because we cant let him out, because we are taking him to the x-rays at 15:30 local time, and we cant have him running around harming the leg more before we know whats wrong with it.

I just hope my mom can take Weed's tantrums for jumping around the tables and showing of that "his leg is just fine and he can go out." He clearly is trying to show us up that he is just fine.

But Im really worried for him, because he is already been 13 years in the family. To me letting go of a friend or family member is really hard thing to do. And when anything is wrong with one of "my furr babies" I tend to worry sick. Like yesterday I did not eat anything before we were back from the doctor and I noticed that I was starting to feel really weak and fainthy.

My mom is super stressed too. She cried a lot. And I was at the verge of crying too. Those who know me that sometimes the pain is so numming that I cant even cry. I m too in shock and the tears come afterwards when the shock wears off. I m still at shock how my poor furbaby could get hurt. We still dont know what happened to him. It might have been a clash with a car or something.

But ya, I m trying to act as a barrier between Weed's showoffs and mom's stress.  I hope everything returns to the normal soon.
Because atm while I would love to stream I dunno if I can. Because I feel so much like I m having panic attack myself for all that is going on.
..
Even everything seems to be okay atm. But Weed jumping around with broken leg is making my mom jump at it and nervous. I will post more when I know more .. Unless something so bad happens that I cant even open computer. You know what I mean.
When Viikka died I was not able to think straight. I was  a mess. And I was pissed at everyone and everything. And I did not even like the dog so much. He was like an annoying baby brother to me. But I like fell for him due the time of his last month he looked for pets and ease from me too.

I know I m most likely over reacting and acting like stupid drama llama but I just wish my furr baby is okay.

Hei siellä :P / Hello there :P

Hi there. If you read this please leave a comment. I would love to know more about you readers. :)
Jos luet tätä niin jätä vaikka nimimerkillä kommentti ja kerro hieman itsestäsi.
Olisi kivaa tietää enemmän teistä ihanista lukijoista. :)
 To post a comment simply click the name of the posts and comment menu should appear :3

Weed problems

I was planning yesterday that I would go jogging today and do whole day walking trip around the neihgborhood.
But appearently our oldest cat Weedi s something wrong with his hind leg and every time it touches something it hurts.
I m worried for him. Also we dont have a car avalibe. I will soon start callout round to all my friends if they are avalibe. I will keep you posted about the situation.¨
But currently I m starting to have a panic attack for this.

•    9:21 edit:
  Just lovely. The vet that we usually use isn't responding to the phone. We will keep trying. Weedi manabed to climb to his kitty toilet and do some pooh. His pooh is the usual. Huge and really smelly. Seriously. Compared to Zorro's I would think a dog would have done that pooh. (Zorro is our other cat who does small pooh.)
• Weed is currently trying to rest his leg. Ane he keeps switching the place where to lay so he can be both in peace but close to us. Poor thing is more dog or a rabbit than a cat. 

• 9:25 edit:
  We are currently on phone with the vet. The leg is still really sore.
•  10:00 edit: We got appointment for vet to this evening. I tried to examine the leg a bit and got scratched and bitten. Good luck for me if it is rabies.. It also seems that there might also be something sore on his front legs upper part because he was not so keen on letting me touch it either. But the left hind leg is absolutely sore. Even slight touch to it seems to hurt a lot. The vet agreen on phone that it might be the case of something bitten him. But I was not able to see any marks due the furr. Also I cant tell if the leg is swollen because Weedi is bit chubby himself. And he normaly looks like that.
  However I m really worried. I gave him some Dreamies to ease the pain and he seemed to enjoy them. He did not purr tough. Usually he purrs when given candy or petted. He did purr to me earlier this morning when I petted him. To me it is also a sign that Weedi is in great pain.
• 10:25:
  He tries to find good spot to stay. Last seen middlf of livingroom next to the table middle of mom's shoes. 

• 13:42: I start to feel bit tired of being stressed all day long. But you know me, I tend to freeze and stress over things. And over analyze them in inside my head. Or then I use all my energy to not over analyze things. I ve beent thinking to maybe do some stream or something "usefull" in a main time. The vet is at 17:30 local time so for surely I can say that most likely there is not gonna be any more updates before that.
  Thanks for everyone for support. <3
•  29:06: Just came back from the vet. Weedi will go to x-ray tomorrow. Appearently something wrong with leg and fourth toe.
  

The future of my blog

Since I seem to enjoy writing once again I decided that it is time to start updating the outfit and style of this blog. I admit doing the last big update on the theme and the outfit of the blog during 2011 when I started my media assistant studies. After that I barely have touched anything and hence the blog still looks so horrible. I myself rarely even open the public page of the blog. I ususally just see the blank white space that I write my posts. Now however after noticing how unprofessional my blog looks I decided to start giving it better look. I admit that I know I m not gonna finish it all in one day. Also I know my taste of style is different from the "normal Finnish style", so if you see something you absolutely hate on this blog please either comment on it, or  if you are a shy send me a message. I added "contact" form to the top left side for you shy people who are too shy to comment to my blog.

Also funny thing I noticed, there is this one anime/manga related forum that I love to check daily for updates. However there are usually online just me and the Admins of the site. But for some reason my blog dashboard keeps telling me that +10 people visits my blog from that forum daily. To me its mega strange because I tough no one used that forum anymore besides for reading updates about upcoming manga episodes and about upcoming stage drama in Japan.

However I m grateful that you people find my blog interesting. I know, this is really old blog and the old content from the early ages is horribly badly written. But I ve kept it in the archieves because this blog is to me like  diary of some sort. Always when I was sad or stressed or confused about something I used to post here. Also often when I was seriously depressed I used to post here. For some reason just writing my own toughts down made me understand myself better and feel better in general.

Same pattern seems to keep happening here still because I admit that most of my latest posts have been about me being ill and me having a thunder headache.

In the future I m planning to focus more either on drawing and art or video game playing. I already added own side site for Twitch where you can watch my game streams directly from my blogs page.

I hope that you dear readers find this blog as entertaining as I enjoy writing it. Seriously, I love writing my toughts down. As someone with ADD/ADHD the flow of thoughs is huge. And usually my own toughts get tangled up inside my head so it all is just gray noise and huge mess.
Writing stuff down gives me better change to actually understand myself what I m actually thinking and feeling. With out it I somehow feel empty and brain dead, but when I write I feel more alive than in a long time.

I try to update here daily and I hope you enjoy the jorney with me.
God bless and lots of hugs to you!

Sims 4 is free for limited time

Just quick post to notify you all that Sims 4 is currently avalibe for free for limited time.
https://www.polygon.com/2019/5/21/18634362/the-sims-4-free-pc-origin

If one asks me Sims has been one of my all time favorite video games. And the price has always been high enoug so Ive been able to buy like only one expansion pack per year as a kid.  Now when the base game is free I strongly recommend everyone to download it and try it out.

Sims is marvelous tool to learn both financial skills (To learn to think before spending all of your money,) and social skills (what to make your Sim to do and not to do to make sure not everyone on the town want to punch you in your face when they see you.)
Note when people hate you they also tend to kick your trashcan down. So you better make sure to make everyone to like you. Also when people like you they tend to give you more help and are generaly nicer to you. Same logic applies a lot also in the real world.

I think I have a problem - again - Partial test reasaults

I just got a phone call from my doctor. Part of the tests came back and at the moment only thing wrong with me seems to be my level of vitamin D. She explained to me that while normal person has serious case of major lack of vitamin D its somewhere around 40. Normally a normal person would have it around 7. For some reason I have mine at 30. I did eat some pills for it during the winter but I stopped since the sun started to show of more and I tough me being casually once per week outside would fix it. Before going to doctor I had been taking walk courses of 30 min daily for at least three days. I would assume it would have made my D vitamin value go up but there seems to be something wrong with it.

She advised me to start eating pills again. There is just one problem. Okay two problems. I m the kind of person who has trouble both drinking water and keeping hydrated and eating pills. Both of them are things that for some reason make me try to throw up. I can drink small bottle of lemonade or bubble water if one gives me enough time to consume it. But if I m needed to drink water I easily feel like throwing up because of some reason that is currently unkown by me. Also I m currently struggling even to take my daily dozes of both Seronil and Concerta at the morning as it is. I dunno. Maybe its because I dont drink enough. But pills make me feel like they wont stay down. And they will come back up. Even how much I drink while I take them I still feel like throwing up. Same thing is with water. Something inside my brains is rejecting it.

I dunno if this has something to do with my early years at the childrens home where I was up to 1 years old, when I was adopted. Recently  I have been able to link many strange things in my life and strange behaviour and issues that I have into that time.

But I dunno what is this all. Its making me confused. Mere the tough of drinking water and taking pills is enough to make my throat feel like I need to go to the bathroom and throw up. There is this weird thingle that makes me feel like I was chocking on a fish bone.

About water cosuming today, Ive managed to drink almost half of bottle of bubbled mineral water from 1,5L bottle.

Only thing I know for sure that there is something here that I will have to deal with on future. It would be nice to know tough why I feel like chocking or throwing up for drinking water.

Thunder headache - Hello summerstorms!

Yesterday was really interesting day. I got my first really bad case of thunder headache of the summer, yaay... I quess. Or not so yeaaay, when I explain what it is all about.

When ever its low pressure on the air that happens usually during the  beginning of thunder storm I get this headache. It starts as small headache but as the pressure builds up it ends up a migraine and me feeling really dizzy, and really annoyed by everything.

Funny thing is that even I was indoors it still happens. Once I was at Messukeskus Helsinki (link to their page here,) wich is competely indoors with heavy walls. And it has air conditioning of their own. So I was not in any kind of contact with outside.. and I still got "thunder headache" as I call it. Usually I never get headache, but during thunder storm approaching I always get really bad headache and feel dizzy. When I got headache in Messukeskus I was like "Wait what is this headache..? It cant be...? Wait what?" Then when I got out and saw it  rained heavily and there was the smell of the thunder int the air I was like "Oh okay this explains it."

At the other hand its useful to have this kind of super power to sense when the storm is gonna hit so I can get indoors and make sure the interenet is turned off during the storm so the lightning wont fry the modem, but then again it really can ruin the whole day and its really hard to cope with headache that keeps going on whole day.

Like this headache started actually day before yesterday, as mild discomforty feeling in my head. Yesterday it went bad. And as I m writing this I feel like the headache is slightly coming back. I quess its gonna still thunder up today.

Like this thing keeps messing with something with my brain until the pressure dissapears from the sky. Ive had this since I was a kid and at first I tought I was just crazy. But like now as an adult I have read from the internet that I m not the only one with this kind of condition so I can say high five to all others who suffer for this.

As far as I m aware there is no cure for this. Yes I can take painkillers but they only affect for short time and activate quite slowly.. and I'm the kinda person who eats painkillers only when I cant stand the pain at all. Also as far as I m aware people still dont know even the cause of this.

All I know is that for some reason low air pressure during the storms makes something to switch on my brains and give me headache that makes me feel like I was sea sick. But like I mentioned earlier, there is always "the cool factor" that I m walking weather antenna and storm warning. Thunderstorms cant surprise me. Other than the feeling when the headache starts before the actual storm and I go " Oh really? Do we have to have this storm today?" Also I love ruining it to people that I talk with when they are like "Hey wanna come to beatch with us, we bet its fun!" and I m like "Nah I pass and you should  too because its gonna thunder hard." It is always kinda interesting to see peoples faces when they realize I was right at it.

And yes the headache keeps up during the storm. It only eases after the storm is gone and weather has cleared again.

How to tell person you cant make them happy - How to tell a person that they need to make themselves happy themselves with out burning the friendship

Just to clarify; I myself used to have People skills of Rocket Raccoon when I was 10 years old. I was that annoying over talktive brat that everyone hated. So when I met someone who was like me in a past I made a friend about over 5 years ago, but then it turned out that I was not enough and I could not support the other person like mom when I myself had hard time and I think the other person had already gotten so deeply attached on me taking care of him that they got hurt when I could not no longer be there for them. 

Because of this and because I wanna be smarter and better friend in a future I would love to hear if you know what I should do when I meet an autistic person with special interes and they refuse to talk anything else besides their interest and they want me to be “Nice auntie from internet who always wants to talk about same tv shows 24/7.” I personally got in a fight with a really good friend of mine because I did not know how to handle this when my pet died and I could not be hyper happy and nice to them nor make them understand that I  could not be there for them. Now an ex-friend of mine seems to be taken it badly and is mad on be because of it. I admit I was stupid but I just wanna know if there is a wise way to tell someone that I cant talk about same anime 24/7 when I myself have depresssion and rough time. I dont want to hurt anyone. Please help. 

Like this thing really keeps bugging me. “How to tell someone you cant baby sit them and make them happy with out hurting them?”

Like I feel so bad for not being able to be there for a friend but then I feel angry at him for not understanding me a one bit. And being super salty after noticing I could not be their mom 24/7. Like when ever he needed something I tried to be there beacause I was taught its right thing to do. But I feel such a failure. And I keep thinking if I could have been "better friend for them" and "Maybe if I was better they would have supported me.."

But the sad fact is that their understanding of people was as bad as mine. Or the same that I had when I was 10 years old. 

Atm I just keep thinking that if something similiar happens again, that if someone wants me to be there for them and when I cant be how to make sure they dont throw a tantrum on me and start hating me and telling people how horrible person Im. 

Like I dont wanna hurt anyone. I just cant act as a happy pill towards someone else.

Okay maybe the part that I m really worried about is that since I m no longer being "happy pill" for that person is that what if they keep doing same to someone else. Yes I'm totally okay with people being with other people to cheer themselves up. But I'm scared that if he gets more hurt because I did not know how to handle the situation and I only made it worse for trying to tell him couldly that I could not be a mom, but then again I gave him no substitute mom or anything to cling on. And if he really needs something to cling to then I let him drown. How to keep person safe?

..

Sorry for this rant. I might have some level of heat stroke and I m not thinking clearly. I bet I m gonna regret writing this thing but ya.. I dunno. I just wish I had more people skills myself so I could get better along with people with no people skills.

The only good side out of this situation is that I know no one is ever ready and we all need to learn people skills. And I try to learn not to let anyone get so attached on me that they get hurt when I cant be their rock when they need it.

Ofcurse this does not mean that if someone wants to talk to me and get support I would not be there. But I just could not support this one person when I was down at the bottomn myself. And I could not make him understand it with out him getting hurt. And I wish I knew better how to handle situations like this. 

All I ask if you whom read this know any tips how to handle super sensitive people who have habit of getting near you and acting like you were their mom; How to tell them you arent mom with out them getting mad on you or  them starting to blame you for being a bully over internet.

I really wanna be friends with everyone and I used to be super active at people pleasing before, but now I m trying to learn to put myself at first so I could finally fix my own mental problems. 

The worst part for me in this mess is that I keep  re-living the events over and over again and over analyzing how I could have been better friend, even I got blamed for being horrible friend when I feel the other one did nothing to support me at all. And I know that the other person in this fuze feels like I abandoned him and snapped with out any reason. When all I did was quit pretending happy 24/7.

I admit it was my bad to pretend and now I feel like I hurted a friend by pretending. But then again I feel like I hurted him even more by quitting pretending. I'm so sorry for it all. But in the end there is nothing I can do anymore to change things. I can only try to be smarter at next time and try to tell people head on that I cant be their chat bot or mom 24/7. Thats all that I know to do. But I m sure that someone else here could give me lots of better solutions so please comment down below to tell me?

My body tries to kill me again?

Dont you just hate it when you try start doing something right and it backfires you? Well for me and my weak body trying to do any kind of exertisize does that.

When ever I try go and do my daily jogging route, or even if I just walk it my body becomes infected and I start bleeding. I dont have any flarg idea why. Ive spent over 100 euros visiting different of doctors and so far they all just tell me that "Oh yes you have dry skin try using lotions on your skin." and I m like "yes I m swimming in them every second I get and I still have weird bleeding and my body seems to try to kill me..

I took some tests yesterday and I have to wait for thursday for some kind of an answer. But I m starting to feel like I frustrated.. I did try taking a walks last summer but kept getting weird bleeding and weird infections all over my body. Its either some flu or some infection somewhere in my body when ever I try to do something. I hate it. I really enjoy going out and walking but Ive started avoiding it because of this. Now after I got tired of looking and feeling like fatass raccoon I tried only do fast walking for like 1 day and it was enough to make me first some kind of stomac flu and then I had to stop. Now when I healed from it or at least I think I did again I only was able to do it for like 3 days and weird dry skin and bleeding. And like even I think I use enough hand lotions I got some lovely infection going on my nail on my left middle finger. I was like "oh just lovely.." I just wanna be like a normal girl who can go out and jog with out her body trying to kill her in every way possible.

But I quess me being normal is too much to ask.