Today was really interesting. I listened to a short ceremony about the day when God sent the Holy Spirit to the people and saw a really tiny baby getting baptized. I was not prepared for that. But now as someone who has been bullied, I can only pray that this lil boy is not getting any of the same shit as I got as a kid.
Also, I noticed that my mom seems in secret wanting to be a grandmother and I kinda feel bad for her because I'm the only child and I don't have a man in my life. Besides, the only man that I've shown any interest lately is Rocket D'ast Raccoon. I dunno. Maybe it is because I have a phobia for humans in a way that I m scared to let anyone near me because I think they could hurt me. Silly really because I know that Rocket could very well hurt me, or kill me taking if he was real and stuff. He is a canon sharpshooter who is not scared to use a gun to take someone down if they are a tiny bit annoying.
But like something about him being short and all makes me think I might be safe. Also, the fact that I can so strongly relate to his pain is something that makes me think him as someone I can relate to and understand at some levels at least. So I'm not scared of him. Or that is what I keep saying to myself. Another thing might be the fact that I know that Rocket is not gonna pop up anytime soon from behind the corner and make me answer for everything I feel for him. I know I'm safe from him trying to force me into anything that I'm not ready to do.
I m still a bit salty from my last relationship with a human I used to trust a lot. Before I met him I was sure I could never trust anyone nor feel anything towards anyone. But I liked his company and wanted to be near him. And he did promise me that he would "always" be there for me and wait till I was fully healed and grown-up mentally to have maybe kids and family with him in the future. But yea, "Always" is a long time.. and he grew tired of waiting. And more I got rid of my panic attacks he seemed to get them. Panic attacks I mean. I kinda feel like I'm to blame for it somehow but where I learned to control my human phobia and trust to go out when I was with him or someone else instead of fearing to go out at all he was getting more depressed and getting panic attacks.
I admit I said stupid shit back to him when I felt like he betrayed me. I know I was building too much my self-trust and trust in humans in general based on that he was there for me. I know now that I should just learn to trust myself at first before I can fix any phobias I have towards humans around me.
And I'm trying to build myself into being the best version of me that I can. I still struggle to trust my own skills enough to not be able to call anywhere looking for a job because my brains still keep telling me that no one will never ever wanna hire me. I know that that is a lie... Or maybe its gonna be true since I don't do anything useful. But either way. I know I will have to try to gain more trust in myself instead of looking for reasons to exist or being accepted by other people. Because the only person I can ever 100% trust is God. No human or animal is ever gonna be perfect.
I also know that if I would meet someone like Rocket raccoon he would be a super bad influence for me. And I would just end up either hurting him or myself or both. Because I feel like I hurt my ex because I was not ready to make kids for him. I know I'm still blaming myself way too much for it. And I know that to be able to forgive myself it would be healthy for me to forgive for him too. And I claim that I have, but then every time when someone mentions his name I'm like "That damn traitor said he is gonna support me and be there for me but he did not keep his promise.. he is stupid I hate him."
..
So yea that's that for me being healed and acting like an adult. I still feel like I'm not ready for a new relationship of any kind before I fix all anger that is inside of me. I've managed to fool myself to think that I have let go of all the anger. But I still feel abandoned and betrayed.
On that though, I've read about child psychology about the matter. That since I was abandoned in the hospital by my mom straight after birth and put into one of those literally 100 babies in one room mass halls on Russia till I was one year old and adopted into Finland .. Well I've learned that this might also be a reason why I feel so strongly about being left alone and betrayed. As a small child, I've lost everything and everyone once in my life and it has already destroyed my small life as a child so I m terrified of the tough of being alone. That is maybe why I got so many of the issues of being left alone as a kid. I did not like it. I still don't like it if my parents won't come back to sleep at home during the night. I feel like if I'm able to watch them I could somehow protect them and keep them safe.
Stupid yeah I know. But I think that when I was a baby I've must have seen something. I dunno what, but I know I was terrified of humans and when I first learned what sex was for some reason I tough It was wrong and horrible and abuse and something that no man would ever be allowed to do to a girl. And I was terrified to learn it was okay.
I don't remember anything else but I just remember yelling at my mom saying "No way that's horrible and bad! Also, it hurts! No one should ever be hurt like that!" I dunno. Maybe when I gain enough courage I will try to find my real mom and ask her what the flarg happened. And why I have these things in my life. Truth to be told. I'm terrified to find out. And I'm scared that I might already be too late. I keep thinking in my head thoughts like; What if she is already dead? What if she does not want me? What if she hates me? What if she wants to hit me? What if she is dead and I can't save me? What if she does not like me because I'm Christian? What if she hates me? What if... Well you know. Or I dunno since I don't know anything about the people who read my blog. I've tried to ask but for some reason, people who read this blog never leave comments or any trace of being here. Except I do have the code installed here so I can follow how many IP hits I got during each day. I'm using it to make myself feel at ease because at one point I did get a bit jumpy since one person seemed to be checking this blog once per 20-30 minutes during the day even I usually post only once per day. So I could not find any reason for someone to check the front page so often for the new posts. At the moment I'm 99% sure about who he was and once I asked the person he did not reply, but the "stalking" seemed to stop, or at least it's not so aggressive and lunatic anymore. I still think that I'm not half as interesting person to anyone to even ever check this blog so I'm confused - happy - but confused about anyone who wants to read this. But I'm grateful if you want to read these posts because then at least someone listens to my toughs and cares... or at least I have someone to tell about the stuff that I keep thinking during the days.
And like any of you who have been reading my posts more than a week can tell, I do think a lot. Funny, how usually I think that I never think before I act. I'm a really impulsive person and I have so many common bad traits with Bigwig (From Watership Down), and Rocket (From GOTG) that I can't even count. But for some reason whenever I open this text editor and start typing the words just somehow flow into my mind. Without me having really to think about them and I sink into some kind of state of hyper-focusing or I dunno. Being a zombie.. and somehow the text just appears here without me even thinking anything. And somehow I at least myself feel that because of me writing stuff here I can somehow think clearer. Or at least I might be able to remember what I just thought a minute ago. Because usually I really don't think I can remember all that I think during the day.
But yea. I feel that I'm somehow torn apart between me wanting to be a mom and me not wanting to have anything to do with kids. It is funny. Yes, I'm a really loving and caring person until I snap into "Rocket Raccoon mode" as I keep calling it. Then I'm just unable to care and unable to love. Then I just want literally shoot a person or at least just watch them suffer in the ground. Then I feel like I enjoy seeing pain even normally I m not able to stand anyone near me in pain. If someone has the pain I wanna help them to get rid of it and protect people.
Also, I almost forgot but a funny thing happened today. I forgot my phone at home when I went to the church with my family. When I realized that I did not have my phone I started acting funny. I started speaking like a little child and talking and asking dad all stupid questions about the navigation system/ Map thingie on his car. I think I might indeed switch into "childish" mode when I'm stressed or scared enough. I think that it is my way of showing other people that I'm not dangerous and I don't want to fight...
Until I snap into Rocket Raccoon.
At least I've managed to recognize three different personalities, Varjokani; loving and caring and childish and happy, me; neutral and semi-friendly and Rocket Raccoon; the one who enjoys when others get shit hitting the fan or hurt.
And I'm really worried about the last one. My therapist, however, said that I should not worry since its normal to feel the need for being allowed to hate and being angry. It is something that has always taught being the horrible and wrong thing to do in my family. Besides after all as long as I m considering I still remember what I do even if my personality changes. According to my therapist, the part where I should start to get alarmed was if I would not be able to remember stuff that I did or said. As long as I can see what I'm doing and remember it later I should be just fine. But anyhow. I think I'm going to get some sleep and I will be back at writing here tomorrow. After all, I've always kept this as some kind of public personal diary where I post my toughs behind a nickname and try not to mention anything where someone could come behind my door and yell at me for something I said in real life.
So far it has worked great.
