So after watching Netflix about cute girls who type their inner mind into the thext and look cute while doing it I somehow got inspiration to start writing myself. Stupid. I know. Well I supposed you all knew I was stupid already but if not congraz!
So at the moment Im looking for a job or a place to study.. Or "looking" because I spend most of my time sleeping in bed and snuggling my stuffed pet animals and thinking what kind of job I would like to have.
At the moment I ve decided that I want either draw or write, but about what I wanna do art or text I have zero idea. I could always re-try vlogging and start streaming on Twitch.tv more often but I doupt I could get enough money for it for living. And yes. Money. Funny thing that since I tried to buy food for me and one of my friend independently for a week I learned how much living costs money. Too much for my liking.. And then there is this stupied thing that when before I could not eat even or feel hungry even while treated with a shot gun now I feel hungry with no end.. Untill I thow over on parking lot on snowstorm during the winter shoppings. Ya. That happened. I was on town with my mom and we went to the see The Snowman on the movies with live orchester. Then we decided to eat some chinese. And for some reason my body not only have lost the ability to tell me when I m hungry it never tells me when I m full. When old days I used to keep myself "I feel like I need food right now" mood and keep having melt downs and panic attacks over everything I now have ended up eating too much. I only threw up once tough. But ya. Now I keep thinking like seriously? What I m gonna do with my life? Ya. My boss retried during the Christmas and closed his company so I m in a need of a new job. Or place to study. Ive applied for couple gaming project shcools but I havent gotten as far as getting an interview yet from any of them.
Slowly I feel the panic to rise up on me since I know my parents cant keep keeping me as their pet for ever. Atm they give me food and place to stay and think. But my mom already told me if dad retires or dies we two will have to move away from here. And I dont like that idea for one bit. This has always been my home since I got adopted as 1 years old from Russia. A first place to call home, and a safe spot for bullies. I ve been bullied a lot because I used to be that super annoying and talktive kiddo who never shut up and wanting to be friends with everyone. I saw Mowgli the movie the other day and the dog charachter called Booth hit me too hard and too close. I used to be annoying like that and no one liked me. I m unsure tough if its any good that nowdays I act up like some Rocket Raccoon from MCU who is too tired of pleasing humans to give a crap about what people think about her. I usually tend to stay home away from humans so I wont annoy anyone by accidents. Luckily I have awesome friends irl who know who Im. They always give me a hug and even they dont know it they mean a world to me. They are my world. I just hope I would figure out what to do with my life before I get an other panicky melt down and start to be too scared to even try.. Okay who m I kidding. I ve been too scared to go out and try anything for years. Last 3 months Ive had just "lucky" since I got this horrible flu and troath ache that activates the second I try extersizing or going outside. Ive been have granted the perfect alibi to stay indoors away from humans that I m so scared of.
