Deep forgotten memories - trying to catch them while writing random stuff

Its funny how when it silent and there is none to talk with I feel bored. But as soon there are people around me I feel tired and all energy inside my just burn up like leaf dipped in gasoline and then struck in firepit until there is nothing left.

But then I love meeting people and talking with them. But why I'm still scared of people? Why? None hurted me for while? Yes, I have been bullied and threatened in real life in my past. If you read my old posts you'll find out I had quite bad derpression (and yes, I'm still eating meds for it). But I just keep wondering how long this is going to last.

I have been at work like 5 weeks soon and I keep wondering why even everyone here are so nice why I sometimes feel like getting burnout just because there are poeple near me. Ya. I usually (like atm) listen music from my headphones so I could keep myself focused on the things I do. Ya. But why being near humans make me so tired?

I just wish I could dive deep inside my head and figure out whats the problemo this time. And yes, I still sometimes get the feeling like sometimes I'm me and sometimes I'm someone else. Its not like I forget my name and had OCD or multiple person in my head that don't have clue of of each others. And I think I can always control myself. But somehow its bit scary when I wake up morning and for now reason  notice speaking to my mom "Meow meowgrr.." with no reason.

And then she is like "what?" And I m like Eerm. nothing. It only happens when I'm tired. Sometimes then I with out noticing start sneaking and growling. Its like some reflex for staying safe. But since haven't done it for while and this morning did it at my own home and on my way to toilets I'm quite confused. And yes, it seems I finally m starting to get to the point where I m starting to dive inside my own heart and head. And soul. I dunno if its vise to write these things here, and I dunno if half of them are actually happening. I also dunno if I'm kinda feeding them and making situation sound worse than it is.

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Its just when I start typing and forgot everything around me I feel like I can see things differently. And when I keep writing my toughts down  and like trap part of my head's content in this text. It makes analyzing myself easier. Ya. Sorry for this all shit here. I'm pretty sure none of you actually are interested in this. But I also feel I needs to start keeping track of my acting again.

Maybe this way I could go at the beginning point of my traumas and all bad that has been happening. When I try go there I feel like it just slips trough my fingers and dissappears and the tought is gone. And I feel like I m forgetting something really important atm. But.. but I cant tell what it is.

All I know I have feeling I'm getting close of something. Even loosing it all the time.

And I think I go eat something now and contiune my works after it. And then if manage get something posted here.

And yes. my co-parter at work just showed up and asked if I would go eat with him. Well I think I have to. The faded away memory I was remembering a while when I wrote this thing just dissappeared, and now I just keep wondering why did I open text editor again.. and what the heck I was writing in a first place.

Feeling so confused. Usually I remember why I statrted writing but now.. nope. Scary.

Fashion and being me

Fashion for Passion...? Ya for Passion of the Christ.

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For somereason I get reflex-like bad feeling and feel sick when ever I hear the word "fashion". I just don't get it. Okay. For myself its most important that my clothes feel good and look nice for my taste. I don't give damn about if they are okay by fashion. Or at the other hand if someone says I look cool and I have good fashion skills and I'm wearing trend clothes you might be quite sure I destroy the peace of clothes first time I get the change. I dunno. I just somehow feel like I was allergic to it. Maybe I'm.

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And whats the big who wha about what people look like anyhow? Okay I get it its not right if you wear trash bag and dog poop on you but other than that I'm not interested. Ya. Just popped to my mind to write about this thing since there seems to be so many fashion centered blogs and people around. And also I just keep wondering if I should change my point of view. But since I got no reason for it I think I'm not doing it. Not today at least. Maybe tomorrow. Or I dunno. Hehe.

But ya other thing I don't get when people don't like themselves and try look like someone else. Like some movie star or film star or charachter from some book. I get it people in movies are beautiful. But so are you. Every one of us is beautiful. In our own way. We all are unique and important. So if you don't look like every averange movie star just be happy. You aren't mass production and cheap copy cat. You are you and perfect the way you are. That is the point and thing that makes each one of us valuabe and unique. We are we and there is no way of replacing any of us.

Humans are unique and I think thats how it should be. But somehow we are scared of it?
Well Maybe I quit this typing now and make an other post about being scared of it.

I never had skill to shut up

This is really interesting. When I m planning going to sleep but then suddenly I feel like my head is full of pictures and sounds and all I want to do is write about them or draw or sing or do anything else than sleeping. Is this part of the adhd? Maybe. Or maybe we never shall see the truth that is hidden behind the mist that is all around my head.

Nowdays only way to open my heart or make any kind of diagnose inside my head for myself is to write things down. In situations like this I usually have nothing to tell or write about but when I do write I notice all the things I end up telling from deep inside my head. Its kinda scary, and it is happening again right now. I really have nothing to say about but still I keep writing words that come from somewhere deep middle of the dusky darkness that people call their imagination or their head.

Maybe I should go to sleep.. or at least do my readers a favor and write this in Finnish. But somehow I feel like this thing gets rotten if tried to force myself speak Finnish. Funny fact, I do lots of thinking in English while I m thinking etc what to write about.Or at least now when all words just flow from somewhere and make my hands move in keyboard it is English. I really don't know why this feels so natural. An other weirdo natural feeling thing is Russia. I started to learn reading it a week ago but still it feels like some magical force has turned right direction when I read English or Russian. It just feels like a dream within a dream. Like a distant memory of a dream I have seen long ago far from here.

But where did these memories came from? Why does it seem so right? Who m'I anyways?Many times I have felt my head and world inside my head ain't like any other. I feel like I m freak, and for damn sure you now think I m a freak. I don't care. The most crazies things number one is that I don't care about anything. Its mostly likely part of me being at home and thinking of job opportunities and changes I can take? Maybe I should to rush into action instead of sitting here but I just kinda aren't the type of person.. I dunno

And just to rewind  bit back like I told you earlier I had no intention to write long text. My idea was mostly to go to sleep but as soon as I started writing my head seems to be filled with words that come directly from somewhere to my brains and I only do like a robot, write without half of me realizing I have again filled almost whole page with this odd thinking I m doing.

Now when I remember it when I was a kid I used to talk to myself. Do it a lot. Then At age of 4 or 5 I learned other people did not do it. They kept thinking inside their heads. Then I studied it but now I keep thinking maybe this is somekind of variation of this thing.

And to the other thing, sometimes I feel like there are many personalities inside of myself. There is me, and the other me. Its really scary and spooky and I could write about it a whole book. Maybe I should not confuse your head no longer with it.

I already have spoken about it earlier. I think now it is time to me to go to bed and keep talking tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow sounds good doesn't it? Its surely is full of hope end being brighter.