I've been reading about how one could get mega skinny and mega pretty by just skipping all the food and I've also read that if one is with out food for while it actually removes poison from ones body. I however m under heavy medication for both ADHD and depression. I've tried stopping eating but I find always myself eating like a cry baby and crying over everything if I dont eat anything during the day.
I also find myself really lazy considering taking a walk. I also have started to think if me staying unenergized to do anything has something to do with my depression medicines. Or witn my depression. like I told you earlier I often feel really lost and tired on everything. And mostly because of the problems caused by ADHD I'm having difficulties to start doing stuff. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I feel like its driving me slowly into either stress or panic attack.
I've been promised many times that "yes we will make an oppointment session for you with person x and person x will talk with you about what to do with your life." But then instead of even wanting to talk with me that person x is just sitting there and telling me that they are gonna book me time with someone else.
Its really irrating. All I want is someone stable and smart adult to talk with about stuff that is going on inside my head. And yes I'm going trough my last year of my therapy, and my therapeut has all hands down busy to help me understand myself with my ADHD and help me to realize who I'm. She only has time for me only once per week and because I'm such talktive lil shit I feel like I dont have enough time to pour her the half of the things troubling me when I meet her.
I'm starting to think that I might need +1h sessions multiple times during week to pour all out that is going on with my mind to get to somewhere. Mostly I'm worried that when my therapy ends will I be fixed by the time for it. Mostly because I ve been in therapy over 2 years now. Its my 3th year and its last one the state is helping me pay for. And its already expensive as flarg. I wont have the money to pay for it myself.
Also because I don't have a job I dont have the money to move closer to the city where I could have access to more buss stops and be able to move more freely to actually get into a job place early with out stressing my brains out on if there is gonna be buss coming back after 4pm. No there is not so I will have to ask someone to pick me up. Yay. such luxuries living in a country side. Its one of the reasons I feel like I dont even have the right to offer me for anyone as a worker because I will have to leave home so early from work. Then the other trouble is my lack of self esteem. I dont trust myself at all on anything. I feel like I m the worst person that anyone would hire. And I dont believe anyone would even wanna hire me. So I've been just sleeping all day long and thinking where to get better self esteem.
I feel so silly and stupid. Mostly because at this point I dont even know what I want to do as my work. I dont know enough of anything nor trust myself to be assistant over anything. That makes me really sad and really nervous. I do know that if I want to start working I will stop trying to self validate me from what other people think and if I'm good enough for people, because the truth is I will never be good enough for anyone else when I'm not good enough for myself at firtst. But then there is that I want to be the best right away, or else I feel like I've let myself and everybody else down. And I dont want to let anyone down.
Man I m such a mess.
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