Last weeks

I've been really busy lately. Okay, I admit I might have had time in afternoons/evenings after the courses I've been taking but after leaving the house to get to morning bus at 7:25 and returning home somewhere around or after 5pm I just don't have the energy required to do anything else but to either try avoiding sleep by watching Netflix, or playing WOW or just giving it in and sleeping. These next weeks I should have more time because Im now taking a break from the course. During these two weeks, I should try to find myself a job training place. I m a bit nervous because I m scared for two things. Firstly what If no one wants me? Second is what if two places want me and I pick the "wrong place." I want a place where I can feel safe because I have a human phobia and social anxiety and panic attacks from the slightest signal that someone does not like me. That is still haunting me after being bullied at school.

But ya. I will try to start sending e-mails during this weekend to the places in hope of a job where I can hopefully sketch and draw stuff. I kinda wanna apply for video game making companies but I don't know how to code and I don't think they have the time or resources to train me. I wish they would because I love learning new things and I really want this work training session to work so I could learn something during it.

I've managed to not get panic attacks during the class and all thanks to me being allowed to carry my raccoon hug buddy/backpack with me.  I've done lots of self-observation studies lately and I've learned that having something that you can hug and protect while in a panic attack or flashback episode it really helps me to cope and tricks my brains into thinking that I have a child that needs protecting. I know it sounds silly and stupid and makes me sound like a lunatic. Well, guess what. The kind of people who bullied me at school are the reason for me being "crazy". Like I have this phobia and this thing that makes my brains think that everyone is out there to get me and hurt me and I m in mortal danger every time I step out from the house. And my brains keep thinking that every person is a potential danger.

Remember kids; If you keep harassing and bullying people and stalking them just to make yourself feel better about yourself you make the world full of people who fear and hate you and you make people unable to ever trust anyone or anything.