What is it with people's need to be mean and spoil stuff on purpose?

I understand if someone accidently slips something, but like whats the joy of going to yell to people who are waiting to see a movie and try to enjoy it with full of surpises "Hey hey did you knoow that this person X does a thing Y in a movie and then that other person B does thing C with Y?" 
Like in a way you are also ruining it for the film makers. They are telling us a story, and we are paying them to hear the story, and then if we know the story already we have no "need" to hear the story.

Also I think story is best told by the person who wrote it. Like have you guys listened Redwall audiobooks by Brian Jacques? Those are true masterpieces! Even Redwall is repeative as flarg the audiobooks are still pure art.

As someone got to hear one major spoiler on Twitch.tv's Pokemon stream before I realized that I definetely m better if I stay out of social media all together before I see the Endgame I just wanna slap everyone who enjoys spoiling the story and the mood from other people and ask if their own mother's did not love them enough so thay are feeling this empty void inside of them and they have this need to make others feel their pain and emptiness.

If you have issues with yourself be a nice sport and go to talk to a professional or someone over the internet who is willing to sacriface their own time to listen you cry. Be warned if you are a jerk and annoy people enough no one will want to be your friends or listen to you anymore.

I got to meet the latter situation with one of my ex-friends. Ya, you know I was posting weeks ago about this person who I tried to be friends with, but he was too lazy to be friendly back, "Alex". Well quess what. He ghosted someone else for a week, and when this person who got ghosted become bored and spoke to me this one person lets call him Alex because -I dont wanna tell any info about them- yelled at me that "How dared I speak to his friends!" and he was mad on me for getting nice and warm words from his friends. I was like hey I did send you multiple messages that this other person lets call her Pinja missed you. And he was like "I dont care. I  can ghost people for weeks but if you talk to them you are the most annoying and mean person in the universe and I hate you."
I was like oki.. well then.

But yes, this incident made me realize how much there are people who has issue with their own self and they reflect in on the other people and drag the other people into mud with them. Please, if you feel sad and lonely or insecure about youreslf find some professional to talk with instead of either annoying or hurting, or both to the peopple over internet.

If you get hurt you still have no right to hurt other people back. By doing so you are just causing more people who suffer like you did.  I can kinda understand this type behaviour from someone like Rocket Raccoon who literally had no one called family ever in his his life, but most of these kids who act the same, that they dont care a flarg about others, exept they enjoy people feeling as miserable as they do did in most case have at least some kind of family. I m not saying it was any good but it was a family.  Still ya. I wish this Alex would realize that he cant act like Domina to every single person over the internet while being really cruel and uncaring about other people's feelings.

But ya. Here is my rant for now. I will do more later for sure. Now I gotta start getting ready for this one study class that I m taking about the End times. Whahaha.

Be blessed, and PLS if you are having a bad day dont reflect it back on others. You will just make everyone think you are asshat and really really mentally retarded and selfish jerk. And NO one wants to be friends with that. Yes, if you feel like no one loves you and everyone hates you because you are jerk, maybe instead of just thinking that one could think how to not be so much jerk and how at least try make someone else feel safe and happy. If no one else just try make yourself feel safe. Get some adults to talk to. And if you are being honest to yourself no one is truelly happy to see the world burn.. Okay Rocket Raccoon is gotten in so much deep in depression lane but even he enjoys more being friends and chilling than making everyone burn. Okay maybe bit roasting Quill but other than that.
I will do review about Endgame after most of people are seen it so I wont spoil anything. Hugs to all fellow Raccoonatics there! <3

Nice girl vs Rocket raccoon

I've been taught how to be nice and polite. Always to smile and never cuss or swear to people.
ALWAYS when I know something can make someone happy I try to give it to them it being talking about certain anime with people all day long or playing some video games with people they wanna play. But them there is this new side of me, that I ve started calling "Getting full Rocket Raccoon mode on people". Suddenly I don't wanna talk about anime that other people like, suddenly I wanna play some video games that I enjoy the most.

I do know that most people do this by default, they are nice to themselves and put themselves at first. Me for the other hand has no skills on this. And Ive noticed that during my past people have taken hardly advance on this and used it agaist me. Flarg I almost got married with totally-not-ready-to-leave-his-mom-or-being-an-adult-and-taking-care-of-the-money-and-family type of guy because of this habit of mine. Like I get so sad when someone else is not happy and I give them my all to make them smile. I somehow use it as  my own boost to tell the world that I m needed and I have the right to exist on this world. But it got to that point that this "momma's boy" who never had money to pay his own bills or never enough energy take care of his pet rabbit (not me but actual rabbit).. Heck he was too sleepy and lazy to come over to my place. And he was scared of my parents because they have tendency to yell a lot. And he was scared of his own shadow. Well as someone with panic attacks I learned that the same level I learned to go out with him and be brave middle of huge pile of humans on different cons and Book sale events he started to act more paniccy and scared. But the worst came when he started to sulk and mourn how I was not married with him and living with him and giving him sex. Well those who know me know that I felt during that time too young and too scared to do anything like that. But the natural reaction for me was to give in and say yes. But something stopped me.. And it made him even more sad. Well it end up we not being able not to even talk to each other anymore.

But ya. Lately I ve noticed that when pushed to my limits instead of quietly and nicely saying no I go full "Rocket Raccoon mode.." I sulk, cuss and tell people that I m fucking tired of making them happy 24/7.

At least one person has become confused and scared of me.. The "anime fanboy-guy", who only seems to be able to talk to me when if I talk with him about his fave anime. Othervise he is just sulking to me and being like "You are horrible person because you ask me to do such hard things as talking about something you might also being interested." Okay that was over extatured. But like they just told me the other day they wish that he could talk to me or do something with me that would make me happy. I tried begging him to play video games such as WOW with me and they went full "I dont want to talk to you! GO away" -mode.
This made my Rocket raccoon side go on full rage. For their good luck I did not go raging on them but it was so close I did not go tell them that if he thinks that he can go mute on me the instance I dare to suggest something I might like is super rude and I dont want to have anything to do with them. The worst part was I did that before and they totally were more ready to never to talk with me than doing something nice that we both might like.

On the other hand I really dont wanna loose a friend, but again I m starting to think that maybe this friendship is not on the healthy levels. I bet if he tries to read this he is surely going full rage on me about how I dare to talk about my feelings. He did stalk my Tumblr posts earlier on. Funny fact he is super suspicious on me stalking him even I know he is the one who stalks more. Actually I kinda hope he reads this so he knows that "I wanna be friends but I dont like when he goes ignorning me when ever I dont wanna talk about anime." And if it was all anime it would be good but he has really strict taste of anime. Only his fave 1980's series are good topic. Other is like "Meh I could never like them or get feelings out of those get them away from me." This happened when me and one of our friends suggested him a new anime to watch.

But yea. I m kinda worried about myself. Like I know its a good thing if I dont let people being boss of me and using me. But I'm kinda worried about those people. If I go snap on them and telling them they are sick bastards using me they are gonna feel super hurt because I know at least one person not doing stuff on purpose. I know he is the way he is because he never learned how to be a human, and on the other mode, When Im nice girl mode I wanna support him and be a friend. But sometimes when he has been shithead enough I've learned I go full Rocket raccoon mode and just wanna tell him straight how frustrated I'm.

The worst part maybe is that this person does not know how to teach himself to being better person. He believes he is the way he is and he cant learn. How to tell someone they can learn and being selfish and narcistic bossy shithead is not only option to live for?

I feel tired and scared that I only make their situation worse if I go on Rocket raccoon mode.

I ve decided to try being just me and trying to be nice on them untill I figure out what to do with them.

The good thing about me getting into Rocket raccoon mode I feel more brave and more adult than I never felt. I feel more me. During this persona taking somehow over me I feel more me. And I feel like I know what I want. But suddently as it appears it  goes a way and Im again this nice girl who has zero idea what they wanna do with their lives.

What I want to do:

I wanna WRITE and talk with people online.
I wanna help people. Like the other people who has PTSD and depression like I do. I wanna be there for people and I wanna let people know that they arent alone. That Jesus died for them and that they are loved.

I also love creating new things, like art. Lately Ive have had horrible art blocks and writers blocks, but I managed to start Finnish GNG/Harry Potter AU Fanfic. Hahah. I know its not much but for me its its still something.

I just wish there was a way to me earn money doing this. I mean by writing stupid toughs on my head but I know that actually no one is interested on reading shit like this. But at the moment I dont even care. I ve used this blog as my super open- what-everyone-can-read-to Diary and place to put my feelings as long as I can remember.. also since I got nothing to hide I think its just okay if I keep posting my toughts here.

Also when I read my old posts  and compared them to my newer posts I noticed once positive thing. I no longer write about how I wanna die. I still feel like I got no enery left time to time but this time I wanna live. I wanna live and show the world that Varjokani is here to stay and no one can stop me for being the silly old me.

Super scary tought. Im turning 25 this summer and I havent been doing anything useful for 4 years. It feels kinda scary. But at least at the moment I'm studying game making on online courses and at least I managed to get up this morning before 11am. I quess thinks are getting better. Just lets hope my Rocket racccon side wont desteroy my life.

Being nice

"Dat feels" and the amount of confusion when you have been trying to "be nice" and talk with someone about stuff they like. And when you dare to suggest them something that you would like to do, like playing your favorite video game together, and you tell them that you think they could enjoy it too they suddenly say to you that they dont want you to "Distract" them or "Talk to them" at all. Yes I can understand if people dont wanna talk with people all the time. But when it goes like "Hi you are allowed to talk about stuff I love and like but you dare to suggest something you like I m not talking to you." I m starting to think that this "friendship" is getting way more toxic than good friendships should. .. and yet I feel like I kinda wanna talk with these people..

And I m scared that they feel hurt or sad because of me. I've been talking with my terapeut lately and she told me that I m "too nice," and I should start thinking what I want and I should dare to be selfish. Somehow I m scared that I might hurt someone else in the progress if I start going full selfish mode.
I will be tring to being in clear middle-lane in between. But somehow I feel like that one person is on purpose making me feel bad if I dare to ask them something or tell them that I would love to do something with them that I would like to do. Worst part is that they themselves tell me that they want to be my friend, but dont have anything in their mind what they could do to spend time with me. But they sure say no to 99% to my ideas.

All I've learned that only way they feel happy is if I talk with them about stuff what they are currently being greatest fans of. Like tv-series that they like. Meh.

I feel like torn apart in between thinking maybe I should be more demanding on them, and tell them that if they wanna be my friend they should do something that I wanna do. Instead of me just going on pleasing about them and talking about their interest.

And like if I tell them I feel tired about talking the same topic and ask them to talk about something else I get the cold treatment and them being compeletely silent and cold towards me claiming "They dont wish to hurt me but they just dont have imagination or idea what to talk about." When I suggest them to talk about stuff I like like raccoons and rabbits they be like "Oh I dont know what I could say or talk abou those." When I suggest them to watch my fave movies etc they say "Maybe someday but I m just too busy watching my own series on re-run".. And I m like Okaaay.

Bah. The worst part is that they are so cute and innocent and cry a lot if I get on mean Rocket Raccoon mode on them. I think I might post more about my Rocket raccoon mode here.

owo

Meep bark

A week back I learned that there is gonna be a new Ginga Nagareboshi Gin themed drama show in Japan at June. Since I was huge fan of Finnish fan made musical I got interested enough to join into Finnish GNG themed forum to talk about it.
For my bad forums seem to be dying technology now days. The forum is so dead. Like only two people talking in that forum is me and one of other person plus the admins checking the site once or twice the day and saying hello. Its really sad for someone who has grown up with forums.

I dunno. Somehow I enjoy writing and talking with people online. In forum you can mix these things together and do both at once.

Only thing bothering me at the moment is that the reason forum is empty is that I joined there. The old phobia of humans hating me strikes again. But not every single GNG fan from Finland can hate me can they?

Yes I know I need more self trust and more positive additude. I started to write a parody fanfic on the page half a a week ago and it already has "post read 504 times." so I quess that someone out there must enjoy it. I also started a new rp on forum in hopes of getting someone to rp with me.

For my job situation the things are still the same, no job. But I've started slowly studying how to use Unity. I used Humble Pundle coding course from Zenva academy. I actually should be doing my home works from that site but I m being as any student who does not have deadline.. Avoiding it till get inspiration to do them.

Watership Down Japanese cast list

Just gonna stick these here

Needed these for one theory post I was gonna make..

Angst

Voi vattuuuu. Menin puolvahingos avautuu yhelle forkalle jos ei ollu ees tarkotus käydä. Pitäs melkee poistaa toi sielt mut sit taas toisaalt haluun vaa itkee jonku sylissä.

Mut täs mun ranttaus viel tänneki: "

Mulla itsellä ollut masennuslääkitys vuodesta 2011, ja masennuksen sain jo ala-asteella alkaneen kiusaamisen takia. Nyt on ollu vuoristorataa tän adhdn kanssa. Välillä tosi onnellinen ja välillä tosi surullinen. Lääkkeet siis paniikkihäiriöön/masennukseen, ja adhdseen. Välillä tekis mieli vaa luovuttaa ja kuolla pois. Ja sit esim tällä hetkellä jotenki tyhjä ja yksinäinen olo. Ja sit ku en jostai syystä oo jaksanu ottaa adhd-lääkkeitä ni sellane olo ettei jaksa eikä huvita tehdä mitään muutaku chattaa jostain jonku kaa. Ja tänä iltana taas iski sellane voimattomuuden ja väsymyyden tunne. En tiedä mitä tekis. Ei jaksa ees nousta aamulla. Juu mä lupasin ittelleni etten alkais purkaa tääl heti mun ongelmii mut sit huomasin tän aihealueen tääl ja ajattelin et ku tääl ei ketää oo hereil kuitenka varmaa tähän aikaan joka tän lukis ni voin iha hyvin purkaa tänne.

Mut on siis adoptoitu pienenä ja siit tullu joku hylkäämisreaktio jonka johdosta mul on suoranainen pakkomielle kelvata aina ja kaikille ja olla kaikkien kaveri. Sit saan siit kauheet paineet ja paniikin jos joku random tyyppi kadulla ym vihaa minua. Tai jos joku kaverin kaveri ei pidä musta. Saatan koko päivän miettii miks joku random tyyppi ei pidä musta ja sit en uskalla alottaa mitään ku pelkään et mua inhotaan jo valmiiks. Siitä syystä en uskalla myöskä alottaa seurustelua. Seurustelin pari vuotta takaperin mut se katkes siihen et mä en ollut valmis menee naimisiin. Nyt oon tajunnu et se ihmissuhde oli mulle vaan haitallinen mut silti mun aivois joku on niksahtanu ja oon sillei "Tämä ihminen lupasi suojella ja olla aina läsnä muttei ollu".. ja nyt kauhee kynnys ees mennä puhumaan kenellekä siin mieles et alkais seurusteleen. 
Ja jotenki va sellane olo et oispa vaa joku harrastus joka ei vaatis aivotyöskentelyy. Niinku esim kirjoittaminen tai piirtäminen. Mut täl hetkel kukaan ei oo palkannu mua kumpaankaan. Ja joo mä oon aika varma et nyt jos ees yritän alkaa lukee tätä mun vuodatusta tääl ni kadun sitä ja poistan sen. Et ehk oon vaan tyhmä ja lähetän tän ennenku kadun. Mut ni kiitti ku sain avautuu. Mut niinku iha ittee pelottaa ku en saa mitään aikaiseks enkä jaksa tehä mitään hyödyllistä. Ja sit välil must tuntuu et oisin iha eri ihminen enkä tunne itteeni. Tai sillee. Välil tekee mieli vaa vihata kaikkea ja koen hirveet epäluottamust kaikkea kohtaan ja välil haluun juosta halii ekaa vastaantulijaa. Mut just tän epäluuloisuuden ja vihan takii koen etten koskaan pysty enää rakastuu kehenkä silleen et luottaisin tarpeeks viettääkseni loppuelämäni kenenkä kaa."

Mul jotenki iha tolkuttoman väsy ja itkunen ja turta olo. Sillei et tekis vaa mieli mököttää kattoo kaikkii ihmisii sillei semi-vihasesti.

//

Soo that was my rant in Finnish I quess since I ve been keeping this blog in English I could rant in English also. Soo yeaa I ve been bullied as a child and I ve been adopted so thats maybe why I got such strong "Mandatory" to be friend and loved by everyone. Because I ve been dumped once by my mom at very yong age. That kind of lifestyle is damn rough to live. Always needing to be accepted by everyone. Okay maybe it was easier if I was not as strongly talktive and hyper active person who has tendancy to make people feel annoyed. Atm I had infection wich caused me to not to go to sleep early nor not to wake up early. I think that is why I feel horrible atm.

I have been taking depression/panic attack meds since 2011. And I thinkt those are doing this to me. I feel so emty and dead inside. I feel so bored but I got no energy to get up from the bed in the morning. I m worried about myself. I keep wishing that tomorrow is a new and better day But I m worried how long I can keep this going. I mean I do have friends and I should be happy. But somewhat I feel so lonely and alone. And bored.  Mostly bored. Maybe If I try go to sleep early and wake up early and take my meds like smart person I would be better tomorrow. 

Yawn

Hello again. Ya I havent posted here every day as I kinda promised myself. Appearently the new melatonine I got works. Ive been using something called Sleep aid - Oral melatonin spray. After I got it I had to move to the study for couple of days since my bed was broken. Okay it has been broken for years but finally my mom noticed it and told dad. And instead of buying me new bed dad decided to fix the old one. Yay?

And I m finally back at my own room and I can write. Soo Ive been stuck at Netflix couple of last days. Ive noticed that I love to watch crime drama like Lucifer and Grimm.

Also I managed to spend lot of money because I bought myself a new laptop. Yes I did have laptop for gaming but its keyboard is broken and I had to have separate keyboard with it when ever I used it on gaming parties. I also have my "typewriter" laptop that I m currently using for blogging but this thing cant run games. Okay It can run Sims 1 and Sims 2 but never games? Nope. Also it has Windows 23 bit so it cant run WOW. Even the game would othervise work fine on it. Also this one has small memory. 123Gt so I cant put games like Elderscrolls Online on it.  So yea. I have new gaming laptop for wlan parties. Yay. Only problem is now that I gotta save even more for my own dream house. Yes I do intend to move out eventually but I want a decent house and I want to be sure I dont get my ears on dept the minute I move out.
That is why I live with my parents and keep saving for better flat. I m also looking for job. But so far no luck on getting anyone needing something like me.

I find I m bit nervous about it but Ive also learned that I avoid everything that gives me slight reason to panic and instead I spend my days sleeping and forgetting that panic even exist. I dunno. It has been like this for 3 years now. I think its time to me to stop avoiding panic. Even it might mean I would get hard core panic attacks again. Damn. I wish I did not have my PTSD. But then I would not be me. Even at the moment I dont even know "what" me is. Like I feel like I dont even know myself anymore. I feel comfused and scared of everything. And I dont know what I want an d I dont even know who I'm.

Fail

And it seems I failed again. I did not even try to go to sleep after tea, but I tough if I would manage to stay up till morning I could fix the shitty sleeping schedule. I managed to stay awake till 7am and I fell a sleep. Nice. It would have been nice if I would have the ability to relax and fall a sleep like a normal person. Funny I think the reason Im not aböe to relax is that Im scared that my bed breaks even more and I fall and hurt myself. I got awoken by my mom and she was pissed since Ive managed to drop the wrist holder I loaned from her from my improved night desk to under my bed. She also managed to find my left sock that I dropped when I finally fell a sleep. Worst is that she thanks I drop stuff under my bed while in sleep on purpose to annoy her. Sorry for typos. Im on my way to my theraphy and Im using my phone wich loves to put commas in weird places.

And for some reason I have an other problem

I've been lots of self studying lately. Like trying to get to know me and learning who I'm and what I'm good at. One thing I appearently suck at is falling a sleep. I've noticed that meanwhile some humans can decide to calm down and fall a sleep in an instant I cant do that. Okay sometimes when I have been doing something whole day I can fall a sleep but that happens usually when my body is tired. But like normally I just fall a sleep when I'm tired and wake up when I'm not tired. Now the problem is that since I've not have been anything useful today, in fact I slept till noon today I have hard time falling a sleep. I tried watching Netflix, and at the moment I have horrible headache ( I tried to take painkillers) but I m still unanble to relax or sleep. I tried listening to music yesteday for same problem. But I was still awake at 5:30 when my dad left for work. And I managed to fall a sleep after 6 am.. 

I've watched some tutorials on Youtube how to fall a sleep but I've come into conclusion that my brains just must work differentely from all other humans because I can't decide when I fall a sleep. Like at all. Same way I have zero control if I start daydreaming during the day. I've trained my mind into the point where I can  go to class and work like a normal person and after doing work I manage to fall a sleep at the evening. I even can do daily naps after work. But now since I got nothing to do I cant fall a sleep when I need. This is starting to become a serious problem and I don't like it for one bit. I wanna fall a sleep but my brains act like there was hamster running a hamsterwheel inside my head.

Then again when I was supposed to do something progressive it feels like my brains were took of by this drunken raccoon  who has not slept in a year. Oh flark I hate myself. I wish I could just fall a sleep. But nooo....

I really need to since I got therapy session tomorrow and I gotta be cheery and functional human being tomorrow. But somehow I feel like falling a part while trying to figure out what I m doing with my life. Or okay maybe I can also say that one thing that makes me tired of it is that I've been trying to avoid to decide what to do with my life.. for several years now. The fact is I m scared of change. And the unknown. I m scard I might be hurt. Till the point Im scared to go outside. I can go to the yard and the forest but I find them dull. But I m too scared that I mess úp with buss schedules and end up needing to take a taxi home and making my mom mad at me for it. 

I really wish I was more brave and more able to do stuff. But the constant fear of failure and getting lost really bothers me. In a way it chains me to the wall and I feel useless. I try to tell myself that I m not useless but I feel like Im lying to myself. Then I gather people around me that I try to encourage and help when I can not even help myself.  I need people to help around me to not feel useless. I need to feel needed. But at the same time I get mad on people for needing me. I dont know what I want.

Okay I do think I know what I want. I want a space raccoon to come and save me and snuggle me but that is not gonna happen. Lol. And I think maybe its a good thing. Because I really m not so keen on getting abducted by the demons or aliens wich I believe are the one and same bunch of the fallen angels. I really dont want anything to do with that bunch.  What I want is someone would hire me to being a writer or illustrator. But then again I find myself lost because I keep thinking that "Im bad at it." so I notice that I really dont have to courage to apply for anything or advertise myself. And that is a big problem on creative lifestyle. One should have be the courage to advertise themselves to get clients. But I dont even know what I want to do. I wanna write stuff and draw.. But I feel unsure if I'm good on neither of them.  And I kinda hope someone could help me out with this. But like I talked with my friends in real life about this. Rocket Raccoons dont exsist. I gotta figure out this myself. I m not getting any miracle husband dropped out from the sky to save my sorry ass from this mess. And seriously if someone would drop from sky I would hit them with something hard and scream and run. But like I feel like I should advertize my writing skills even they are shitty as flark. But I dont know anyone who would need a writer. Or how to apply. Is it just like "Hello, my name is Varjokani. I love to write stuff even I do dozen of spelling errors and grammar errors. Would you like to hire me to your blog/magazine/whatsoever?" Or "Hello, I can kinda draw but my art is sketchy as flark because I have bad skills pls hire me." Ya. I know I have to keep practicing before anyone is willing to take me. But I kinda wish I knew what I wanted. 

At the moment I feel like I just need to keep doing self analyzing and since I m way too lazy to keep diary on my computer that I might accidently install or destroy when installing games to my computer I decided to keep writing stuff here. No one is gonna read this anyways so I think its pretty okay to me to do all self study here. And if by miracle someone ends up reading this even years after I wanna tell you "Hello. I was Varjokani. I like rabbits and raccoons and I have depression. Wanna be friends?" Okay that sounded creepy. I dont think anyone should be my friend. I m childish and and super annoying. And no one should defienetely date me because only men I need in my life are Jesus and Rocket raccoon. They are two I cant possibly hurt or annoy. Because like I said I m  super annoying person. And super lazy. Like I should be a sleep but somehow I felt like writing and here we go again. I ve been writing nonsense again like for half an hour. Hahha. And I somehow feel that I can't stop. I feel like this weir fire burning inside me that makes me feel happy and safe. And like I was doing something useful. What a lie I know. Writing this down is not useful. Or maybe it is for future. But I'm kinda person who wants to see the effects right away. Not after dozen of years. But ya. I got lot to learn from Jesus. He has been waiting far more longer than I have. And I m almost certain he must feel super annoyed after waiting. But then again he is God and he got better nerves than I do. He loves as all even how much we fuck up in life. All we gotta do is pray for forgiveness and pray for help. I've been praying for something to do with my life and I m still waiting the sign. And at the moment I feel like if I ve managed to wait for so long I can wait bit longer. I got nothing to loose. I think. Maybe I have. But I m  way too depressed to think abou that so I think Im just gonna send this rant to be public on my blog and go drink some tea and hug my stuffed raccoon plushie and drink some tea.  I might even try to sleep after it.  

-Varjokani

And I think I might have a slight problem..

Our water has iron on it and I tried to wash my glasses with it. And now my glasses has this smokey effecty dirt on it that is not going away. Oh god I m so flarked. I just got these and I dont wanna pay for other 600 euros for new ones.

And yes I got glasses since appearently I have bad eye sight. And really dry eyes. And  my eye sight keep switching. Sometimes I m not sure if I see anything with glasses or not. Like I can read but my field of vision is really small and I'm kinda worried about. Ya. I m kinda of a person who worries a lot and usually makes everything into big deal and deal big enough to freeze and have panic attack about.

But at this moment I just wanna scream and panic because Ive managed to ruin my glasses with normal water. okay our water. It tastes like blood even it goes trough sand filter to get rid of the most of the iron on it.  Also my bed is broken. It has been  for years but Im suddenly feeling like maybe I dont wanna sleep fearing to break up on bed splitting up on the middle. Already happened couple of times. Ive have had this bed since I was 4. My Grandfather made it for me. He used to be a woodworker. He also made my parents's bed and other furnitures in the house.
But ya. Its 1:04 am so maybe I should just stop worrying and go to sleep.
But then there is this question. How does one just shut their brains down and stops worrying?
My brains lack that function. I really sometimes would love to have to have my head scanned lol.
Maybe I m gonna just try watch bad movies from Netflix untill I fall a sleep or listen something from Spotify.

I try start updating daily because I kinda like writing. Ya I know no one is never gonna read this shit that I type here but I m not typing this so people would read it. Okay maybe I wish that was the case. But mostly I m just typing stuff here to clear my own head and making myself something to look back and cry later on.

Funny thing I read my old posts and found couple really suicidal ones. I've really been deep down in the hole. Somehow I still feel like I m in the hole but lately Ive been avoiding of going outside or doing anything that would upset me. Maybe that is a good thing. Or maybe it is not.  One thing is clearly a bad sign because I keep dreaming about Rocket Raccoon and kissing him and stuff. That is definetely a bad sign.  Or I dunno. I suppose us girls are built to want make a happy family but I just want to go hug and kiss Rocket and hide and snuggle him on some corner and  watch as the world destroys itself. I just wanna be cute and cuddly with  him. I know I m crazy. He is not even real. Oh gosh I really at least fast read this and edit all stupid shit like this away so I would not regret it later.  But you know what. I m stupid. And I m gonna let this here so I can regret it later. I dunno if I even live long enough to regret it. I mean. I got eye glasses now. I feel like 100 years old granny who just sits home and waits the welcome death.

What was I supposed to say here again.. I got lost.

So after watching Netflix about cute girls who type their inner mind into the thext and look cute while doing it I somehow got inspiration to start writing myself. Stupid. I know. Well I supposed you all knew I was stupid already but if not congraz!

So at the moment Im looking for a job or a place to study.. Or "looking" because I spend most of my time sleeping in bed and snuggling my stuffed pet animals and thinking what kind of job I would like to have.

At the moment I ve decided that I want either draw or write, but about what I wanna do art or text I have zero idea. I could always re-try vlogging and start streaming on Twitch.tv more often but I doupt I could get enough money for it for living. And yes. Money. Funny thing that since I tried to buy food for me and one of my friend independently for a week I learned how much living costs money. Too much for my liking.. And then there is this stupied thing that when before I could not eat even or feel hungry even while treated with a shot gun now I feel hungry with no end.. Untill I thow over on parking lot on snowstorm during the winter shoppings. Ya. That happened. I was on town with my mom and we went to the see The Snowman on the movies with live orchester. Then we decided to eat some chinese. And for some reason my body not only have lost the ability to tell me when I m hungry it never tells me when I m full. When old days I used to keep myself "I feel like I need food right now" mood and keep having melt downs and panic attacks over everything I now have ended up eating too much. I only threw up once tough. But ya. Now I keep thinking like seriously? What I m gonna do with my life? Ya. My boss retried during the Christmas and closed his company so I m in a need of a new job. Or place to study. Ive applied for couple gaming project shcools but I havent gotten as far as getting an interview yet from any of them.

Slowly I feel the panic to rise up on me since I know my parents cant keep keeping me as their pet for ever. Atm they give me food and place to stay and think. But my mom already told me if dad retires or dies we two will have to move away from here. And I dont like that idea for one bit. This has always been my home since I got adopted as 1 years old from Russia. A first place to call home, and a safe spot for bullies. I ve been bullied a lot because I used to be that super annoying and talktive kiddo who never shut up and wanting to be friends with everyone. I saw Mowgli the movie the other day and the dog charachter called Booth hit me too hard and too close. I used to be annoying like that and no one liked me. I m unsure tough if its any good that nowdays I act up like some Rocket Raccoon from MCU who is too tired of pleasing humans to give a crap about what people think about her.  I usually tend to stay home away from humans so I wont annoy anyone by accidents. Luckily I have awesome friends irl who know who Im. They always give me a hug and even they dont know it they mean a world to me. They are my world. I just hope I would figure out what to do with my life before I get an other panicky melt down and start to be too scared to even try.. Okay who m I kidding. I ve been too scared to go out and try anything for years. Last 3 months Ive had just "lucky" since I got this horrible flu and troath ache that activates the second I try extersizing or going outside. Ive been have granted the perfect alibi to stay indoors away from humans that I m so scared of.

Raccoon-Geico-Varjokani 2

back after hiatus(?)

Huhhuh. Time has clearly passed. Opened my old laptop after over like 4 months and everything is suddently updating and trying to fix itself and I could not figure anything else to do while waiting than spam here so here I'm.

So yea atm I m at part time job that is dued to end at Authumn. Looking for better job but I feel I can't focus on finding a new job as long as I still have my old job so I m waiting my old job to end before getting new one.

So what has been going on my life. Yea I m single and quite happy. Or at least I think I'm happy. It has been interesting to notice how little me and my ex in really had in common. Okay we both were Christians and liked rabbits but thats abou it. He clearly wanted me to be his mom replica and I with my own depression could not do it for him. Yea I m on therapy now with my depression and woah. It seems the old wounds are really deep. And I just now have started to understand my own adhd and my own behaviour. Also I think me being adopted as 1 years old totally feral child with no eye contact skills etc has something to do why Im the way I m.

Also I read that if someone is abandoned once as a child they easily fear being abandoned again and feel strong loss when they have to loose someone. Maybe that has something to do with the fact why I wanna be friends with everyone and why I value the fact that all people get along with each other more than the guy next door.

And about guy next door Ive learned that I m not only rabbit furry in Finland and this makes me really happy. Big shoutout to all fellow bunnies out there! Varjokani loves u. <3
..
And then there is the factor of Rocket Raccoon. I somehow have really weird feelings towards him. But I think I will tell about them in my next post because this post already is too long. Lol.. But in short I love him and I wanna protect him and make sure no one ever gets a change to hurt him again. And then I m like "No I m not a mother for anyone. I need all my energy to survive my own depression.." But then I just see any damn raccoon pics and Im like "Awwww.. I wanna be your mom." And if I see pics of Rocket I m like daamn he is hot. *blush*

Testing pencil 2d

High hou and of to stream I go

Hiya for (again) long time no see.
I have AGAIN managed to forget that I even had this blog but here I'm. I have been playing League of Legends lately too much for my own sense. But I could not figured out what else to play.

Then I got idea to start streaming again. I will be streaming on https://www.twitch.tv/varjokani for all awesome content you people just give me ideas. Atm I m trying to download LOTRO but I fear its broken. It told me that I dont have subcrition on or something? Like what?  I tought it used to be a free to play game.

For other hand WoW is working okay. Even one quest I tried bugged whole game so I decided to redo my carachter.

But ya just hop in and tell me you said hello.

High ho and here I go

Ya again long time no see, but here I'm same as ever. Yes Gosupermodel closed down in the end since there were not so many people who wanted to buy vip since the staff did not do any interesting activities on the site that made site boring. And I think staff found site boring as well. At the moment I'm finishing http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/ but before that is finished and full of hd graphics its gonna take some time and inspiration and I think I have lack of both atm. Well mostly lack of inspiration. I feel like something is missing. Well something is missing since my dear bunny rabbit passed away. I had artblock before that but now it seems to haven taken a turn into a worse.

I think I will force myself to do video blogging if I dont get any inspiration to do anything smart soon.

here and there again

Hi there. Again.. long time no see. I know. I have been busy. I have lately started playing with AI, and code. I can't promise you anything but maybe you get a nice surpise in future. ;-)

And I think now I'm ready to tell it here also that my dear fellow and bro Bigwig died at this winter. It really made me stop  and think how everyone can die. That is actually the real season why you guys haven't seen me lately. But here I'm.

I have been thinking to start doing vlogs on youtube. Tell me what do you think. Should I give it a try?
-
Varjokani

Riko-Neko on paras :P

Kyllä. Meidän kaikkien pitkaikainen unelma on nyt toteutunut kun Riko-Neko aka Candykitten julkaisi ensimmäisen oman pelinsä Shadowfieldsiin. :P
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/h4-hohtopong