My mental health gone down again..? I dunno. Do I even care?

 Depression is the really "nice" thing to have.. After over 10 years of having it, medical people have finally started questioning me whether I have BPD or something similar going on..

Nice.

So fucking nice. 

Like I myself feel like IF I would have gotten proper studies done about my mental health and I would have gotten right diagnoses and right medication from the start I would not be the mess I currently m.

I feel so unrealistic and anxious. I feel like everything around me is just a big joke and everything is a big scam to make me realize how insane and crazy I'm.  I feel like nothing is real and at the same time, I feel like I was just waking up from the weirdest nightmare ever to reality.. Even the reality itself often feels like a nightmare that is sucking all the joy and feeling of calm and determination out of my system. 

I feel like I'm losing the grip of the reality itself... And losing the "track" of what I want to do. To be honest I haven't had any idea what I want to do with my life for months. 

I thought I was supposed to have a job opportunity at the local bookshop and that the mental health doctor who ran the thing was someone I could trust in.. But surprise surprise.. He wanted me to take over the position of a head accountant just to be able to scam and steal money from the sales all for himself. Once I called him out for it in fear of getting myself thrown under a bus.. After being already thrown under a bus for making a complaint of the landlord of the time making illegal construction works that subdued us to the dangers of asbestos and other nice stuff from the old walls. 

I did feel like yet again there is never a person I can trust and have faith in. Makes me think I'm never gonna find myself a person I could fall in love with.

And that makes me kinda sad. But at the same time, I feel numb and tired of trying to cope and survive. I did call the mental health helpline and only got a bunch of angry questions of "how did I get their number". . . and was told they could not help me at the time. Lovely.

I currently think that Finland is the "country of happy people".. just because all who are like me end up doing the desperate solution of ending our lives because of the feeling of being all alone .. and all by ourselves without no one to care.

Whenever I post about my problems and of the fact that I struggle to go on my daily life as a "functioning adult.." I get tons of likes on Facebook but when I need I need help I notice that I'm all by myself.  There is no prince Charming to save me. Sometimes I do wonder if God himself has forsaken me because I'm just so confused and so tired.

And most of all hate the fact that for one moment I feel so strong and so confident in my own abilities that I think I could take on the whole world all by myself, and the next moment I feel so weak and so tired that I have to literally curl in my bed and fight myself to not to try to drink dishwasher soap or cut my writsts open and bleed.

I feel I'm tired of everything. Tired of having all emotions amplified. I wish I was normal. But at the same time I have suffered so much about being just me that I dunno if I want to stop being me..
And the one huge question in the end is who is me?

What m I?

I had to fill out some official documents a few days ago.. I struggled to remember my own name. I was like "Is this really my name? Is this who I'm?" That was a stopping moment for me. I was thinking maybe I m losing it all.

But then I got myself new PC that I could use to stream and spread awareness of whatever this thing is that I struggle daily basis. But then I heard that our family dog died and yet again I feel unreal and confused. I feel like whenever I feel like I have found direction for my life something shocking happens that makes me forget the plans I had made out just a half a minute ago.

ANd this point I admit I have yet again completely forgotten why I have started writing this rant.. And What I was going to try to say and tell you. I currently suspect that there is nothing. No point of publishing this. Considering I'm sure at this point this blog has 0 active readers. But at the same time I want to save this for later so my mental health art therapy holding therapist can maybe read this and have some kind of idea on my mind and mental state of me. 

..

Maybe I should just ramble on more. Because it does me if nothing else it makes me able to feel that there is something I should rememeber of..

Something I was supposed to be doing with my life. 
I wonder if I should read the news article of Brain Fog and if this is it..

EDIT:

Does ADHD cause brain fog?

ADHD is one of several health conditions that can cause brain fog. Many ADHD symptoms mirror brain fog symptoms. Brain inflammation may be behind some of them. ADHD can also cause sleep disturbances that make brain fog worse.26.1.2022 Google results for "brain fog and ADHD"

Rikka-rak shreek!!

 Confused skaven noises owo

Werewolf game

 Following is my ES Werewolf kiddie friendly format that I m saving for later use.

CLOSED! I NEED MY NAPS.

Might return sometime.

FEEL FREE TO COPY THIS FORMAT AND USE IT.

JUST PLS @Varjokani#659046  if you are using this because it took me whole day to come up with the format. :3

I will take  12 first to join this game and I will tag you guys here in op post:

I will act as a game master.

**Requiements:**

You have to have your **DMs  open**so I can give you guys your roles and tip the werewolves who the other werewolf is so you can dm with each other and discuss about who to rob next night and I will also DM the soulmates who their other soulmate in game is {.size-7}

**How I give roles?**

I will run random generator and put your names there and then I will give you guys the roles and dm them to you.

**Description of the game:**

You guys live in small willage middle of nowhere and each of you has a prized jar of cookies in your kitchen cupboard. and every night werewolves when the villagers are a sleep the werewolves have a change to rob one of you and steal your cookies. If you As a villagers you guys job is to find the werewolfs before they can grab all the cookies from the village. You can accuse person for being a werewolf and they are casted out from the village.

**Roles**

All roles will be assigned to you guys from random generator.

**Villger:** You are a normal villager living your daily day and you will go to sleep during the night. You will have a cookie jar that werewolves will try to steal from you. You cant stop them. If you get robbed then you just have no cookies but you can still accuse someone for being a werewolf.

**Werewolf**: tries to convince everyone that they are not a werewolf and will steal cookies over the night. Remember to discuss your other werewolf buddy first and then dm me if you agreed who you guys are gonna rob. If you cant agree your target no one will be robbed.

**Amourine:** You act as a normal player exept in the beginning of the game you will choose two people who are soulmates DM them to me and to the two people you chose.

**Soulmates:**  Amourine will dm you guys to let you know who you are. You guys just wanna share your cookies with each other and if one of you is accused to being a werewolf the other cant accuse them and must try to defend them.

Also if the other gets their cookies stolen the other will throw her/his own cookies away to support her/him.

**Fortune teller**: You can "look" once per night on one persons role by dming me and I will give them the role. However your magic is tied to your cookies. Once you get robbed out from your cookies you can no longer do this.

**Sherif**: Has two votes when deciding who to try cast out for being a werewolf. You will also loose this ability after getting robbed by cookie thiefing werewolves.

**Witch**: You can  use your magic once to retrieve someones cookies. by using a magic word word I DM you. Also you can try cast someone out from being a werewolf and then they turn into normal village  by telling here you are doing your healing magic. Both of these powers can be used once and if used on normal human nothing will happen. If used on Werewolf that werewolf will turn into a villager. I will not tell you if you succeeded.

...

I will only tell you if all of your cookies have been stolen or if all of the werewolves are being kicked out from the village.

After everyone has a role I will set the game to start and you guys can chat a while and get to know each others charachters. Remember, no one is admitting to being cookiemonst-- I mean a werewolf because you werewolves want to take all the cookies.

I will then tell you guys "The evening is falling upon the village and all of the villagers go to sleep."

(during the first night werewolves will reviece DM telling who they are)

Werewolves will then DM each other and discuss for a while about whose cookies they wanna grab. Then you can DM me the name and I will announce it here by saying..

"Person x's cookies are in danger.."

That is witch's que to use the secret word and write it in the chat. Thw witch can also @playername_here with secret emoji to tell they want to use curing spell on them. Remember you can only use one spell per day.

Then it it will be the next morning.

"The sun is coming up and everyone is awaking and everything is fine  / person x's cookies have been grabbed."

This line means that everyone is awake and can discuss about what happened last night. Fortune teller can  DM me to know one persons role once per day. I will dm them the role back.

Willagers can call out the castout Werewolf vote once per day and then it will be a night time again.

**Any questions?**

___________

Re-posted from DeviantART just in case mods there think that rabbits arent allowed to talk

Originally posted to: https://www.deviantart.com/team/journal/Pride-Month-on-DeviantArt-840667494

And yes as a Christian furry I think I might get someone feeling that because I disagree on something I m not allowed to speak so I also post this here as well.

AND I REPEAT, I have nothing AGAINST Pride or anything. I just have been told I m not allowed to say I feel pride of being me because I m not "gay enough" by several people in Finland. This is the reason for this rant because I think everyone should be equal. That is why the movement started years ago and why Prides were originally organized. That people felt they did not feel equal..

Here is my small essay of the subject. I dont do this for a badge but because I want to say couple of important things. I think we are missing some key elements here ( at least here where I currently live,)

Have you celebrated Pride before?

I think we all should re-think how we celebrate and what we celebrate.

I think all people should be happy and feel "Pride" for existing in peace. Not just LGBTQ+.

As a straight furry who has been bullied for her national background, (Being adopted from Russia to Finland as 1 year old) I think yes it is important to feel proud of being able to be with the person you love, yes that is important.

BUT at the same time, I think that we must not forget that everyone should feel pride in being alive and safe. And keeping everyone else safe and alive. There is too much of "You cant celebrate Bride because you arent x" talk from all directions. I think we should all be able to celebrate ourselves. Not just LGBTQ+ people. Yes I m pretty sure I will get at least one reply saying that I m not allowed to say this because I haven't been discriminated for my sexuality or for myself. I can tell you that I got my first "we should shoot you because you are not Finnish enough" as 13 years old in a Christian school by "Christian" kids for being adopted from Russia. The hate is still real. Why it hurt me the most I have just switched schools for being bullied for being a Christian and Russian born. And when I opened up in a new school I was told everyone like me should get shot and stuff. And the bullying continued whole my life. Yes you may argue that I m making this too personal about me and I have no right to do so but I say ;

"If we celebrate being equally valuable and loved part of the society we should allow everyone feel the pride of who they are." Not just sexuality but also what people are in general. We are all unique creatures on this planet and there ain't no one just like me or no one who is just like you. We all should be allowed to say we are proud of what we are and who we are.

What do you think of first when you think of Pride?

For me I have to admit that because of people around me keep telling me that (Note this might be only be a problem where I live so I cant tell this is everyone globally) "Because you arent part of LGBTQ+ you cant drag you being different and bullied because you were born in the ""wrong place"" into this. This is only for being gay or lesbian.."I do feel bit sad to think that SOME people in the community are so broken in their own spirit that they feel they have a need to tell other people what they are not allowed to feel or say. That is why I personally think that the Pride has lost something important and I don't feel so keen on it as it is presented now at the area where I live.

YES, I support people's rights to choose and be who and what they want to be. I JUST cant REPEAT myself enough, that while yes in the past Christianity has done wrong by saying gays should not exist- even their point was just that no sin should exist. (Also all humans do sin, so we all should not exist) but that is enough for an other rant subject-

And I understand how some people do want to take defending argument "If I m not allowed to exist I don't accept you either and I say you should not exist."

At least in Finnish media and in media in general people have told that Christians arent allowed to feel pride for being Christians because its mockery to the Pride culture.

I wanna say that this is exactly what I was trying to tell in part one above. I THINK WE ALL SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PROUD OF WHAT WE ARE!

And yes I DEFINITELY say that NO to all discrimination of all people. Gay and straight people are the same in my eyes. Both loved by God and important.

(And here I wanna point out that in case this gets deleted for being too Anti-gay I m gonna also upload this to my blog.) AND Wanna say only thing I feel anti anything are bullying and discrimination.

How do you show support for LGBTQ+ people you know?

I know many people who are pert of the LGBTQ+ and some of them are really old friends of mine. I don't even remember the time before I knew some of them. Like they have been friends since forever. I show my support to them mostly by being there when they need to talk to someone when they feel sad or have panic attack. Also as someone who runs both Discord and Telegram chat groups as an admin of the group I support them by defending them. If anyone dares to even breath thinking of saying something mean to them I m usually the first one to tell to quit the bullying.

What I really wanted to say to the people who don't understand my bad English mumbling rant;

All bullying is bad. I think while LGBTQ+ might have gotten the word of it it is important to remember to not repeat it. Let everyone feel the pride of what they are. This world is cruel and mean place and a really hard place to exist. As someone with PTSD for being bullied for being Russian born Christian ADHD furry and gotten death threats as young as 10-13 years old I know that. I also know that some people say "You are only you.. You have no right to compare yourself or tell that you are part of Pride or part of anything.." I say EVERYONE should feel safe and feel right to celebrating for being able to stay alive when people around them do and say horrible things to them.

Also everyone is different. There is no other you or other me. We must value that. We all are valuable and unique. We all should remember that and love one an other.

Love instead of hate. That is what I think Pride and life in general should be all about.

But then again I'm just "stupid Gollumn looking retarded ugly Russian shit who should have been shot the instance she drew her first breath who can never have any friends because she is so irrated by toxic radioactive shit".

What do I know about anything, right?

Animal crossing?

Because of the quarantine and mostly because I was bored I bought Old Animal Crossing New Leaf from Nintendo store.

I dunno if anyone else still plays this but in case you are interested hit me up. :D

Here is my fc in case you wanna join me: 1805-2281-2069

Horror in real life

This all shit feels so unreal..
Like stuff like this happens on Netflix's horror series not in real life. :/
I wanna scream and wake up.
Only that I know that this dream is real and there is no awakening..

Merry Christmas!

I want to wish all of you late Merry Christmas. I ve been just being relaxing and sleeping myself.
Atm I'm still at the bookstore working as an intern and I hope I can get to keep working there after the traineeship is over.

I love my workplace and I love my colleagues, they are the best.
Also I ve been thinking to maybe start streaming again since I just got myself new headphones. <3
Too bad I've been sleeping it in and again failed an other day when I could have just streamed stuff online.

Tomorrow I m gonna see my friendss and I hope my last Christmas present will somehow make it in time.. of being already late.
See ya around.

Hello again .. and oh yes, Skaven are cute-adorable

Sorry for not replying to anything nor posting anything back. I've been super busy with work. Okay, I admit I might have had time to post after work but I found myself just so exhausted and overwhelmed and tired after the work hours. I love my current work-trainee position and I love my co-workers, but for someone who has not done anything besides sleeping and panicking for a couple of last years it's tough to get up and be social on daily bases.

I'm so glad that my boss gave me tickets to the local Bookfair in Helsinki. It was super fun to be there with my irl bestie. But it was also exhausting. It took me half a day to get up today. And because of it, I did not take my daily medicines in time and that is why I ended up confused and dizzy the whole day. Now. I m starting to feel alright and it s 21:57 pm and I should be going to sleep.

To reply to the comment I got last week; don't worry,  I m not mad on you or feel insulted. I know that this blog is kinda crappy. I partially did it on purpose because  I was super lazy and did not know what direction I would wanna take this blog. I kinda don't even want it to be popular. Just the kind of could save my daily thoughts that I can look back, later on, to better reflect and follow my own well being to help me win over my depression.

I always could move the whole thing to Wordpress but again for today when I would have had the time I did not have the energy. I spent half of the day sleeping and the other half to read Skaven lore from Warhammer world.

And when I realized I was too dizzy and confused to not be able to read anything I just gave up and started to play Mordheim the city of damned. I would still be playing it unless I did not make critical fail and run out of money. Time to start new Warband again.

And yes, I know that Skaven are the bad guys and stuff.  Maybe because I myself have gotten so much hate on myself for being non-Finnish by birth and adopted I can kinda relate to the Skavens for being hated for being Skaven. Yes I know its not the whole truth and Skaven are hated for their acts but I kinda feel sorry for them for not knowing anything better than just being Skavens and doing Skaven stuff.

And to the end I wanna share some pics I found from dA


http://fav.me/dc5rbiq


http://fav.me/dcztblu


http://fav.me/dblvh50


...
So ya.. When I see these cute fluffy bois fight against this:



I m all about taking the furry side of the argument.
Not to forget that Skaven have the cutest way of talking. 

Vastaus kommenttiin;

Juu. Näemmä bloggeri ei anna minun itseni edes vastata kommentteihin. Taitaa olla aika laittaa alusta vaihtoon, ja tehdä uusi blogi paremmalle alustalle. Ja joo siis en ole tätä ulkoasuakaan jaksanut laittaa, kun tämä on aikaisemmin ollut lähinnä sellanen oma henkireikä omaan pahaan oloon, ja tyhjä kuilu jonne huutaa kun sattuu. Mulle aika uusi ilmiö, että kukaan edes tätä lukee. Mitä tuossa kesällä oli piikkejä. Ja joo mulla on ollut ihmiskammoa ja paniikkihäiriöitä jo vuosia koulukiusaamistaustan takia. Siksi osittain oonkin niin vainoharhainen sen suhteen kun jostain Kaksoissola.netistä tulee päivittäin pingiä, että joku tätä blogia lukee, vaikkei siellä aktiivisesti käy käsittääkseni kuin ylläpitäjät, ja sitten yksi henkilö, jona kanssa ei oikeen olla tultu toimeen, koska henkilö haluaa ystävyyssuhteilta ihan eri asioita kuin minä. Kyseinen henkilö on aikaisemmin tunnustanut stalkkineensa minua niin vähän hermostunut olo sen suhteen että mitä kyseinen ihminen minulta haluaa kun ei oikeen olla kyetty olemaan kavereita, ja ei ole tekemisissä tahtonut olla minun kanssa ( kun ei se ole onnistunut ilman kissatappelua.) niin sellanen "Mitä ihmettä minulta nyt halutaan fiilis."

Mutta juu. Kyllä tätä blogia saa toki lukea jos haluaa, mutta itse en vaan ymmärrä mikä omassa elämässä on muka niin kiinnostavaa..
Kun viime kesänä tuli sellaisia piikkejä, että blogia luettiin saman henkilön toimesta ´+100 kertaa viikossa.

Pitäs varmaa kysyä ihan suoraan?

Koska tätä blogia selvästi luetaan, niin mitä mun pitäs tehdä, että saisin kommentteja ja mielipiteitä näistä mun kirjoituksista?

Ja ihan sekin kiinnostaa, että mikä mun elämässä nyt niin kiinnostaa että tätä yleensä luetaan?
Mikä mun elämässä muka on niin kiinnostavaa?
Mutta sitten ei kuitenkaan niin kiinnostavaa, että jaksettaisiin kommentoida tai reagoida mun postauksiin millään tavalla.

Ihan vaan mietityttää, sillä olisi kivaa saada palautetta, kun tätä kerran luetaan. :3

Ja jos et uskalla tänne kommentoida niin toinen vaihtoehto on aina tuossa oikealla, josta voit lähettää minulle s-postia. Se lähettää ihan tämän minun blogin nimissä minulle s-postia joten sen pitäisi olla aika turvallinen käyttää, jos nyt niin kamalasti pelkäät yksityisyytesi puolesta.

Ja anteeksi nyt että puhun tästä taas, muttakun olisi kivaa tietää mistä kirjoittaa, niin että saisi vähän vuorovaikutusta minun ja teidän lukijoiden välille. :3

Books

I apologize that I haven't been posting in a while. I  managed to get myself an internship in a local bookstore and I feel really excited. I have been there now for a week and I love it.
My favorite section is the section for old books. I already managed to give it in and buy myself a book from there. The book I bought is called Pocahontas by Susan Donnell. I think I would be buying lots more books from there if not my own bookshelves weren't so full of stuff already.

But ya. Another thing that has kept me from writing this blog is the boring fact that while I keep pouring my heart out  I feel like all the same people keep reading this and none of them comments anything. It feels weird. It still makes me feel lit like Im being stalked by some creep.

But I guess  I should just try to be an adult and ignore the creeps. After all, I have had this "diary/blog" thingie for ages to pour my heart out while I felt bad.  I still feel like I wanna say that if some of you are just stalking-stalking me and feeling like you have something you want from me or something you want to say to me please open your mouth and say the thing you wanna say and then move on and go do something interesting and something you enjoy.

I m still having a hard time to believe that anyone would find my life or my blog a least bit interesting. But according to the statistics, I m reading this blog is actually kinda popular... Mostly on people who love GNG wich I find really interesting since this blog has nothing to do with GNG.

It's like you would hear a person who loves coffee would keep his or her whole day busy by reading a blog that is all about how to make perfect tea and why coffee stinks. Mostly maybe because I find the "latest GNG" aka GDN bit of like lazy fanfic more than real story anymore. And I have to say I'm most disappointed with Mister Takahashi. I loved his old works. But this one feels more like a fanfic than anything. And maybe that is the case. Maybe it, in fact, is fanfic at this point. Maybe the publishers -The same ones that demanded that dogs should talk like humans etc- are now in the charge of making the whole plot.  I read the last spoilers about who gets killed and ya, I m not spoiling anything to you. But I have to say that the "New Ginga is like a limping dog on his last breath after getting hit by a truck twice after getting hit by a shotgun in the head to roll to the road in the first place. "

There just is no magic anymore. In my case, the magic started running out on GDW when Weed seemed so much like a re-write of GNG.

But ya, if you are reading this it would be nice to know why you keep reading my boring blog?
To be honest I would have to say that if someone else was writing a similar blog than mine I would not read it because my life is super boring and I don't like to read about boring stuff. I'm just having hard time to believe that you have the energy even to open this page when you people could be talking and chatting with your friends on Skype or Discord or whatever you people like using atm.
In fact, I do have my own Discord server if you people wanna chat with me. Hit me with a comment if you want the URLs.
Yours.
Varjokani

About next week?

It has been kinda weird to be home after the course. Next week will be a course week again. Then I should have gotten an internship. I m still a bit nervous about that. But gladly I have super awesome classmates who are there to support me and help me out.

Last weeks

I've been really busy lately. Okay, I admit I might have had time in afternoons/evenings after the courses I've been taking but after leaving the house to get to morning bus at 7:25 and returning home somewhere around or after 5pm I just don't have the energy required to do anything else but to either try avoiding sleep by watching Netflix, or playing WOW or just giving it in and sleeping. These next weeks I should have more time because Im now taking a break from the course. During these two weeks, I should try to find myself a job training place. I m a bit nervous because I m scared for two things. Firstly what If no one wants me? Second is what if two places want me and I pick the "wrong place." I want a place where I can feel safe because I have a human phobia and social anxiety and panic attacks from the slightest signal that someone does not like me. That is still haunting me after being bullied at school.

But ya. I will try to start sending e-mails during this weekend to the places in hope of a job where I can hopefully sketch and draw stuff. I kinda wanna apply for video game making companies but I don't know how to code and I don't think they have the time or resources to train me. I wish they would because I love learning new things and I really want this work training session to work so I could learn something during it.

I've managed to not get panic attacks during the class and all thanks to me being allowed to carry my raccoon hug buddy/backpack with me.  I've done lots of self-observation studies lately and I've learned that having something that you can hug and protect while in a panic attack or flashback episode it really helps me to cope and tricks my brains into thinking that I have a child that needs protecting. I know it sounds silly and stupid and makes me sound like a lunatic. Well, guess what. The kind of people who bullied me at school are the reason for me being "crazy". Like I have this phobia and this thing that makes my brains think that everyone is out there to get me and hurt me and I m in mortal danger every time I step out from the house. And my brains keep thinking that every person is a potential danger.

Remember kids; If you keep harassing and bullying people and stalking them just to make yourself feel better about yourself you make the world full of people who fear and hate you and you make people unable to ever trust anyone or anything.

Kya owo what is this?

Can we just discuss what happened to DeviantArt's clear theme?
Yes I m sure the new one looks just fine on mobile (haven't tested that out yet because I just woke up and decided to open my computer...) But wait. I took me a while to realize that I did not misspell the URL. The new URL looks so weird. And so creepy.
Also, why did my shift key just did not wanna work a second ago? OwO what is this? I m so confused right now?
Also, I m considering if I should just start posting this flarg to Tumblr because no one except my irl best friend and a stalker is reading this page. Lol.
Then again I don't mind it being just my irl best friend reading this. But a creepy stalker not so much.
And why Im telling you this is I kinda wanna interact with users. I would switch back to vlogging but We have been having roof repairs all day long and I don't wanna flarg the audio up.

Aaand today I m feeling enough of #badhairday to not open the camera and posting to tube anywaays. Also loading good quality vids takes foreeveeer. And I hate my own face. Maybe I should make a post and discuss my low self-esteem again. For some reason discussing and posting about my feelings here helps me to understand myself better and helps me to analyze all the stuff going on my head. I warmly recommend posting a blog to anyone who is feeling like they don't know what to do and how to deal with all the mess on their heads.

Like seriously, this just typing what comes to my mind and went about stuff. Its damn relaxing and damn addicting. I recommend it. Yes, I also know that there is a limit of what I can rage here but I still enjoy doing it. It helps me clear my mind.

But ya. Also, there is the point of me starting a new job-related club activity soon. After being at home I  feel a bit nervous and shy about it. I'm also having bit mixed feelings if I should take Pocky with me because I don't wanna be the "weird kid", but then again no way I m going in there without something to hug if a panic attack strikes out of the blue. It is not like any of the people are there to hug me and help me to calm down when they most likely will just be the reason Im stressed out the first place.
Also note to myself; Clean your fucking keyboard. I just noticed how much dust there is between the keys. Maybe that is the reason for all of the lags. Also an other reminders;
-Do art
-Write the damn fanfic
-Kiss a raccoon

Last warning

I kinda wanna start writing either a fanfic or song lyrics.
So you guys have been warned.

Summerheat and heavy medicines?

I might be just being paranoid but I feel like because of the heat I feel like my depression medicines are making me feel like I was drugged. And I dont like this feeling at all. I quit taking my adhd pills because I felt so numb and unable to think or feel anything. And now I just feel like I was drunken again.. Even I m not. I feel just bit dizzy and feel like I wanna just go tell stupid jokes on people to annoy on them and so I can go to snicker behind the nearest tree and pretend to be funny.
But then I'm also smart enough to not do anything like that. Instead of it I m just sitting here in my room and taking naps and chatting with only people that I trust know me and wont judge me even if I act weirdly.

Okay lets put this nicely and ask a simple question;

What the flarg you think you would find from here?
Something to get insulted or sad?
Why would you not try Tumblr or Reddit instead to get offended?

Just out of curiosity. Why do you people keep reading this blog?
It is not like anything interesting happens in my life so why you so curious? It is kinda giving me the creeps when I know people read this and never reply anything on my posts.

And no, I cant make you any good quality vids on Youtube or to Twitch because people are still fixing our roof and the banging noises would butcher your ears so I m not making any streams till its over. So I m kinda using this as a spare tool to communicate and pour my heart out when Youtube and Twitch are out of the question.

Unless you want to get ear-killing-stream with all construction noises with it. That too would require you to  post a comment here so..
But ya:

"Mitä flarg sää luulet täält löytäväs? Kerro se mulleki. Muaki kiinnostaa mitä nii kiinnostavaa tääl on. uwu"

Walking

I went for a short walk again. I think I m making a progress here, but then again I still feel half-dead after scootering to the icecream truck day before yesterday. For some time I tough I was gonna get a heart attack and die. But here I'm still alive. Though I think I should start taking daily walks again. Well, as long as there ain't no rain or thunder I think I might even be able to do that. I will be keeping you posted. Even for the love of Rocket raccoon, I can't understand how anyone has actually energy and interest to read these posts. I myself find these really boring. Sorry. I will try to write about something interesting next time. Maybe. I dunno for sure because I use this kinda channel to vent my feelings.

The feeling when you can just watch or close your eyes

It kinda hurts my soul and burns deep in my heart to see when people keep doing stuff that they know is bad for them. There was this one person I mentioned earlier about who needed help with people skills and I could not help them and I told them to search for help elsewhere and I blocked him from everywhere.

First I wanna apologize if talking about this hurts anyone. And I don't want to insult anyone or hurt anyone. I just wish there was something that could be done to this situation to stop it from getting any worse. And at the moment I feel so worried and so lost. I just wish someone out there could help this person out.


Well. I just found a long Twitter topic about him on Twitter telling that he had been annoying dozen of people on Telegram. Eventually, he seemed to join the topic and telling that he was sorry. Of curse he was. I believe he was. But this ain't the first time he has crossed the line with people. I had to ban him twice from my Telegram group within a week because of similar behavior. I know he has mental problems and he probably can't help it but just snap and I'm sure if he was able to understand other people's pain he would not have done stuff. I also lowkey wanna add here the weird stuff that this same guy told my friend about my other friend. How he has been "Thinking a lot about the length growth spree of my other friend and fantasizing about it." even both of my friends are under age and other of my friend does not like being tall at all. The thing is I know this person has at least  Aspergers and maybe some mild mental retardation and he is 28 years old and he lives with his sister. I also know he is not a bad person. Not in a way that he wants to be bad or evil. Or at least I hope so because he told me he just wished he had friends when I was on talking terms with him.

I have met someone bit like him before so I know that he does not mean to harm people. Okay he does, because it's his way of channeling his feelings and when he talks rude shit to people he feels better because he feels that people deserve being mean to because people are mean to him.  I kinda see it as a cry for help. But the worst part is that he is too shy to get actual help. He does not want to tell his sister anything that happens online because he does not want to have a fight with her. To him, the internet is a safe space to escape all the stress of the real world. And there I can relate to him. I too use the internet as a channel to relax and feel safe.

But the thing I m worried about is that if he keeps verbally abusing people and lying then afterward just that "People are meant to me and making shit up".. maybe because during his anger snaps he completely just does not either remember what he just did or does not want to remember the feeling like people are cruel and against him with no reason. But I'm worried that if he keeps making people feel annoyed he will soon be either alone with no friends or getting hauled into court for defamation or stuff.  Like I know that I 've been stupid and talked a really rude way of people and hurt people and I m sorry for it.  I don't wish to talk bad about this person either.  I just want to tell you how I see this all.


At the moment I'm just feeling worried about him and I wish there was a way to bust him to his sister so he could get help from someone who could teach him bit people skills before he messes it up big time. I was thinking of calling it in myself but I don't think the police of Finland can do much when a person lives in the UK. I also know that if I was smart I would just close my eyes and ignore everything so I would not get dragged down with whatever it is.

But like I m feeling really sick and bad because as I m seeing it this person is burying themselves in the dirt of shitpile made of insulting people and then lying to people to get away with it and then finding new people to annoy and insult.


Like when I talked with him he was able to recognize a pattern of him feeling bored and lonely and when he tried to talk to people while bored people soon got angry on him and he did not understand at all why. I told him that maybe it was because he was not able to read people which he replied "I don't need to read people. I read books." which to me tells a lot. This person needs help. But I can not help them. Mostly because I don't have so good social skills either. But I just wish this person would get help before things get any worse for him.


I don't want anyone to go witch-hunting him or being mean on him. I know from experience that people who can't see what they cause won't stop being mean and act stupid if you get mad on them. They need someone to be nice and understanding to them. And someone to explain to them what they are doing is wrong, the same way one would explain to 5 years old.  And I think maybe it would also work best if the person in teaching had an actually studied license for it. Like a doctor or a psychiatrist.

But ya. Ben, if you are reading this; I wanna say that I'm sorry that people are mean to you but they just feel unsafe around you. And I think you really should talk to your sister and get some help before you hurt someone else any more or before you hurt yourself. Please be a smart boy and get help.

Here is the actual Twitter thread that caught my attention.

Eww get off mee!

Ya. Like seriously. Lol. I just wanted to have a nice quick jog session outside but then it literally started raining cats and dogs out outside. Better yet it cut all the powers down so I could not finish this post during the day.
My thunder headache seems to be getting worse by the years. Like now I literally feel like I was drugged and I m unable to think clearly. And I dunno if I can take it anymore if this pressure keeps hanging in the air. It feels like it is eating my mind and my brains numb.
I m starting to suspect if there is something wrong with my brains since I m so allergic to this. I start to feel Im unable to live a normal life during summertime if this thundering keeps up messing my brains.

I got mega pissed of and actually tried to get drunken to test if it felt any different if I was actually a drunken state with this. Funny story; after drinking I could think normally and felt normal. The only downside was that after drinking I felt dizzy and my head felt like I was spinning around to make my balance -tracking parts in my brains killed. And I felt horrible. The good side was that I was able to think about what I wanted to do and felt like I was myself again and now I know that I m not imagining that my brains react strongly to pressure on the air and to the thunder. I also know that it is not use if I m wasted. Then Im able to think about what to do and how I want to spend the day but I can't do anything.

But the time I think if there is another way to render out the effects of the thunder out of my head. But now I m sleepy.. even I did sleep during the day. I guess I m still not fine after the silly experiment I had with rum earlier today.

But ya. I dunno what to do with this? All I know that doctors and scientists do not know what is causing the thundering headache.. But I wonder if this is something else because now I feel that my thunder headache is becoming "Thunder hangover" and "thunder dizzyness" along with the headache. I literally felt the as I did during that time day after a party at friend's house when I had drunk too much liquor ( I dunno even if I spelled it right but like Baileys and stuff.)
I normally do not drink at all. I have only tried drinking at a friend's place. But ya. If you are reading this and you also have a weird headache during the thunderstorm feel free to comment and share because I feel completely lost and alone with this thing.

I dunno if it is anything relevant but I also have had multiple infections in my hears as a kid.

Stupid bun bun

For some reason, I feel sleepy again. Even I think I did get a good sleep. Or maybe it is the depression that makes me feel tired of everything. I still have zero ideas about what I even want to do with my life. I kinda wanna do streaming but people are currently fixing the roof so there is constant banging noise in the air and I don't want it to the stream.  Im currently thinking of doing some stream without the mic on. Let's see if I get enough energy and the courage to stream.
I kinda m scared if people to know the secret; me being ugly and stupid. Lol. Or at least the person switch I usually use when I feel relaxed that I call Varjokani is really stupid and childish.

Quick post

Sorry. Its again over midnight and I should already sleeping but
I just wanted to share you one fun pic before I go to bed. So basically I was shopping for gifts from friends for their birthday parties and found some old school Nintendo game and this is the first thing I did with it. I feel so proud of myself right now.

GnG: Lesson of the day?

How does the dog say woof in Japanese?
Ben trying to teach Gin how to say woof and John laughing at them.
Click here too see it. This is so funny.  I just keep replaying the part where they bark. It is so cute. <3
Here the whole vid:

すみません、私は日本語が話せません。あなたがこれを読んでいるならば、私はあなたがこれを理解していることを望みます。そうだといい。このミュージカル/演劇のドラマステージショーはすごいね。ジンはとてもかわいいです。赤目はハンサムです。ベンがジンに吠える方法を指示し、ジョンがすべてであるとき、私はそれが面白いと思う、「あなたは両方ともそれで悪いです」。それならジンは壮大な吠え声を見せます！ <3 。銀牙 - 流れ星銀は私の子供時代の壮大な物語でしたが、他の子供たちはポケットモンスターとジェームズボンドの映画を見ました。私は一般的なミュージカルの大ファンでもあります。私はこれのDVD版になるつもりですので、私はそれを購入し、それを見ることができますし、自宅のフィンランドからそれを楽しむことができます。すべてのキャストメンバー、スタッフ、マネージャー、そしてこのショーを可能にしたすべての人たちに、大きな抱擁をしてください。私はとても誇張していて幸せです、そして私はいつかそれを見るのを待つことができません。楽しい一日を。 - フィンランドのバルジョカニ/シャドウラビット。

Summer

Weirdass dreams

For some reason, I had a horrible nightmare again.
It started like a dream I had had multiple times. For some weird-ass reason, I had to go to the old school I used to go as a kid and most of the people who were just standing there and watching when I was bullied when I was there. They were my classmates again. I have had this weird and creepy dream too many times to me to ignore it anymore.

Well, this time the teachers got pissed on me because in the dream I had been on a summer camp earlier on and seen a bombing and lived to tell about it. I don't remember the details but it had something to do with all the other people in Finland hating Israel except me. The teacher told my classmates to end me and they grabbed a gun from somewhere which was super weird because of just a half hour of earlier we were just all watching Lion king theory videos from Youtube. 

And because for some reason calling 112 or 911 in the dream universe does not work I somehow hacked to my teacher's computer and started to stream the situation on Twitch and was begging people to call to the police but apparently no one did. I do remember one of my friends hosting the stream and then shutting it down completely.  After that, I tried to escape with all the childhood art that was still in the classroom for some reason and managed to get lost in the maze of pipe organs weird classmate-looking people still trying to stab and shoot at me.

I remember managing to escape from most of them but getting alarmed by some random girl I never had seen before. And a flarging Minecraft Chichen. That is the last clear memory of my dream before I was rammed over by pipe organs and sharp corners of glass windows and woken up in the real world feeling cold.

The damn little girl and a Minecraft chicken.


At the moment I do know two things. I'm scared of studying anything or doing anything because I don't want to be the weird kid that gets bullied again. And I m sad how sometimes I feel that whole Finland is blind to the situation on Israel.  I still don't get where is that weird-ass semi-automatic pipe organs coming from.

Like they operate with a small sized ball running on a track of notebooks which presses the keys as it moves so it somehow plays the music. Sometimes it also moves figurine dolls so if you follow the ball's route you can actually watch full-length movies with it.
I dunno. Some mechanical versions of Windows movie player maybe?

But ya. I just wanted to write this down before I forget it like always.
I still feel a bit dizzy and confused and maybe bit scared because I still have zero ideas why did I see a similar dream of me trying to get to some class with my former classmates from the age I was 10.

I do remember the other dream I had last night. I was at some kind of animal park with both live and stuffed animals. I could not enjoy it at all in my dream because in my dream I was harassed by some kind of sleep paralysis synthoms and I could not move my hands. I remember at one point that I was visited at some of mom's old friend's by some army flight jets just landing on a pond and asking me and my mom if we were ready to go to dine in some fancy restaurant. I don't remember so much about the theme of this dream. Except, again I was feeling super stressed about some trouble that was disturbing my normal life and was getting panic attacks out of it. If I recall correctly I somehow made friends with some weird animal which was supposed to be dead but it was coming back to life. If I recall correctly it was a white tiger/Lynx/raccoon hybrid. I just petted it and told it would be okay and it kept regrowing its limbs from the bones it found from the area. Again I was too stupid to run from talking zombie animal. But I was haunted by some skeleton humanoid demon creatures which wanted to hurt me so I was happy to have anything to talk with while trying to avoid losing the rest of my mind.


And sorry for really confusing text. I dunno if anyone is able to make any sense or even understand a word that I just wrote down. I just woke up and still feel half asleep. I'm not even 100% I'm really awake and that this is the real world after all. Maybe I'm still asleep. Well if this is the case and I'm still a sleep I m happy that no weird stuff is happening to me so far and no one wants to either kill me or abuse me or use me or hurt me in any way. But I do miss the feeling of having someone to talk with.