My personalities

When I come to think about myself.. About all sad times I had and all feelings that I  had in my life I feel thinking of how I become what I m. After seeing movie based of life of Truddi Chase, girl who had documented with MPD; multiple personalities disorder I have started to think of my own personality.
There is the part of me that is nice and caring and polite but really really weak from inside and who easily wants to cry. When the other side is ready to be social and nice and is always getting great ideas and inspiration from things around me...

Then I have the warrior side of my persona that sometimes I m ready to fight till death. The warrior type of me is silent and just stares people around me. I dunno maybe I m analyzing myself too hard. I just remember when being in confirmation camp I could not get sleep when others were yelling middle of night. I just rose from bed and stared them because I was too tired to talk.. And they said I looked like I was about to kill them. They were scared and I found it odd.

Maybe I do have many sides of my personalities and I think I should not have any reason to worry about MPD as long as I can remeber all things and don't feel like I m snipped awake from moment that I don't remember what happened.  So I think I m just normal kid but I still find this kind of thinking interesting. Yet I know when I write this all nonsense here I m sure everyone thinks I m stupid. But you know what. I could not care less. Or at least the "warrior" side of me does not care.

An other tough of life walue

What is that makes human life worth anything? Just lets take religion out from the picture and also lets cut out those who claim that life is worth something. Then what is it?

Yep mates it is nothing.. Then we keep thinking and asking why people kill each other. We must value life. But we don't want to do it. We don't want to speak about Christianity or religions. We want to ignore them because that means there is maybe a God and we maybe have to take respond to our actions and do something..

And the worse of it. We are NOT perfect. We are just humans.

Yep. For so many people it is hard bit to bite. We are not perfect. Ofcurse you say that you are perfect but I bet you also have evil toughs like "borrowin" your friends computer game, phone or anything. Even if that comes to your mind you have committed a crime inside your heart. Every single one of us has done it. We are not perfect. Even how much we claim we are.

So that is why it is so hard to think of God. It makes people sad. That also is used reason why "Not teach kids value of life.." and still kids grow up and become killers. What does the world do?
Nothing.

I m really worried about this whole situation because so many can commit school shooting these days. And its really sad. I m not afraid to die but that someone else might get hurt.. Someone who does not know that Jesus loves him or her. I just find it sad.

But what can I do? These days I think that often but still end up doing nothing for it.
What should I do? Should I speak to people about it. I m sure many would say no. Just be quiet and wait till you get some sense inside your head.. But how long can I or anyone wait when I see people turning into somekind of stone in front of the very eyes of mine.
People just become empty from heart. They have so much troubles that they harden their heart.
And then I just have to stand and watch how they unless die or kill someone else.

I m really really worried.
Maybe I m over reacting. Maybe I should not care of anything around me. But that would mean I should harden my own heart.

---

My head is just so full of toughs  that I feel confused and feel like I want to say so many things aloud but then again I come to think if there is any good reason for it. I m pretty sure it helps no one even if I write this text here. Well at the moment I just feel like I want to write and write because of that.

Following the brown rabbit in Skyrim..

And I end up being almost robbed.

And what did I do? I just sneaked upon a rabbit like "Aww..  cuteey" And then bandits are after me and try to rob me. I m smart yes?

North Korean lead morals? Our morals?

Many people wonder what does go on inside Kim Jong Un -if he even thinks of nothing- I m sure about that.

Some might even think that maybe he does what he does because of his father. But do we really think why he does what he does? What are his moralic values of life?

We know that he has done lots of bad things. We all have done bad things. And we know that he is kind of person who does not be scared to put people in jail or kill them if he does not enjoy how "some of people" think.

Why is that? Is it just because he is mad? Nope. I think its more because no one taught him to value life itself. Nonsense you say.  But think of it. If he would keep life and freedom in high value would he try be so hardly what he now is? I m sure he does not.

And where does this way of thinking come from? From Bible?..
Nope. It is more like "Evolution-believing"  :
"We have no reason to be in this planet.. We are worth nothing.." -way of thinking.

And even we have seen this way of thinking effecting our own children in a way that they take a gun with them and shoot their class mates why still no one notices how dangerous is to teach "We have no reason to live.. unless we make it ourself."

Just thinking of it.

I m sure many of you will be disagree with this argument and I m not forcing you to be agree with me. Also I hope you are smart enough to let me have my opinion instead of starting a fight just to tell how wrong I might be.

I believe life is a gift from the God, and this kind of thinking puts us all in danger.

Final count down for this perioid..

I have been really buzy lately. I have been doing my own portfolio lately.

Well I needs to say that now I m sure there is something wrong  with my brains because I just love coding and editing.. Even how annoying it can get I still kinda enjoy it.

I have been learning HTML5 and CSS3 lately and I find it kinda fun also.

The only bad side of my life is that I still need medicines for my depression. And when I tried to take less-effective amount of pills I found that I somehow  felt like wanting to cry many feelings that I had "hidden inside me"..

I find it a good thing but then it came to my mind that what if I have got too addicted to them so I m depended of them and it feels bit scary.

Well I did not have any scary nightmares or anything like that.. or so far  because I don't remember having one unless you count my last night dream as one where  I was late for work time training-job place of mine and was about to drown because of huge amount of water in City alleys and inside a mall I was walking by there.

But I returned to my old amout of them and I think okay now. 

But yes I really feel I should write here more often because I feel it helps me to keep  my head clear from all things that are in my mind. 

Sometimes it just feels like I think I m not even awake even I m. But I suppose everything is a lot better than it was over a year ago because  I m able to walk among people and I m able to study with out panic attacks 24/7. 

Planning to do web layouts

Hi again. I think summer is slowly coming into this dark place in world that we call Finland.. Sun keeps shining but still its kinda cold and chilly wind  makes me feel freezing.

I know that people say that warm sun gives energy but somehow it feels like its draining all my energy.. Maybe it is just the cold weather that makes me feel really tired. Well what it ever it is I still feel kinda tired when I wake up early to go my everyday route to school and studies.

When I came home yesterday I just fell into my  bed and was planning to have "quick naps" that ended up me to sleep till next morning.

My studies are going fine.. I just feel that being kinda tired and feeling lazy is making my studies harder but I think I will manage.

Also the good news are that we keep learning new stuff every day and someday I really can be proud and work for living via doing web-page layouts and even whole pages.

Actually I m thinking starting even doing them now.  Still quite planning how to do the advertisements and payments etc. but I m still making progress in that area.

Hugs from Finland and into next time mates!
-Varjokani

Why we vampires?

Why when sun finally comes out from behind the clouds everyone in my class (including myself) feel like a vapmires and flee for it.

I really dont get people

Why does it happen that some times you first feel really happy about all nice things around you and then you just feel sad..?

And why do I get the feeling that some people don't know how to handle their sadness but blame others for it?

Okay I think we all do that to time to time but somehow I keep wondering why some of us do it more than rest of us? When they feel down they blame you for it.. Like "I feel horrible because of you." Okay its okay to say that aloud but when you do that and still go near that kinda person like you just would want to hurt yourself more I find myself wandering if everything is okay or not?

Maybe it just is that we people are not perfect, even how hard we try to be perfect and awesome we are not. And when some people  notice it they are cool, but some at the other hand get really mad to everyone else around them because those around them did not finish their "Dream world" and keep it standing for them.

..
Well it is hard to say but I really keep wandering it. :)

Useful links for css coding

-  Gradient maker
- Color picker
Flash file linking
-Shadowings

How to create custom mouse icon?

If you wish to create custom mouse icon to your web-page you can do it easily. Just add this peace of code to your css-file.


cursor: url('Your_cursors_name+link.cur'), default;



Link to online .cur convertor can be found here.



Also the code to make it be shown in your blog:

<style type='text/css'>body,a,a:hover{cursor:url(http://www.adress.com/YourCursorsName.cur),progress}</style>

normal day in media.

Just a normal day in media.. You just have fighting fish on your desk because someone wanted to buy it to film it in school studies and then to throw up and kill it in sewers and you just managed to talk them over to give it to you.. Yep. Just normal day in media. I have been trying to keep this fish alive for whole day starting 1pm and now its 5:30 pm and I still feel scared and sorry for this little fellow.

Html-harjoituksen ulkoasu_show_off

Tähän tulee päiväys

sims3 feat. books

Yes.. NEVER EVER play Sims3 after reading good novels if you don't want to end up epic Sim making + weirdo house ideas.

As seen here..

so if I cant sleep I m going to study..

Because I could not sleep I decided to practice and do small animation sketching..
Yes its not anything official. Just small sketching I m doing.
Like you can see its kinda rough and sketchy but I kinda enjoy learning how different animators do head movements etc.

why me?

I really feel annoyed now.. I mean I still have fever and I feel too tired to read anything (after finishing Lords of the Rings) and too full of energy to sleep. Other thing that is stopping me from sleeping is the heat and feeling like I m boiling alive. I really hate this annoying situation.

..

Waked up and installed Löve

Good morning.. I feel better now... I think. I still have cold shivers because of fever not calmed yet down. But the headache I had yesterday evening is gone. In fact I feel brilliant. One of my friends told me about a script language called LUA and now I feel like I must try it out right now. Yes I don't know anything about that language yet, it looks quite similiar than the codes that I have used before so I think I will manage quite nicely. Well we will see that later.

But however I still should think about coding languages because in my studies I have to choose one coding language to learn and become expert with. Well I haven't given that much of touch lately but I kinda feel like I should. After all it will be a move that will take effect on things I will do in my future.. Untill I decide to learn some other language also.  But then maybe I m over dramatizing things again?

Well we will see that later.

Now I m going to be really really stupid rabbit-brained kid and download LÖVE and see what happens.

Yes I have a bad habit of exploring things via "Lets see if I push this red button what happens.." And I really enjoy doing it when I m stuck in bed because of being il.

I will be writing here soon..

So beware!

Feverish nonsense of nothing interesting

I just feel like writing a story even I don't have any ideas what to tell. Also I feel numb and sensless like I was half dead. Maybe it is because I feel really tired... But somehow I still want to write a storyline of mice and rats and all kind of creatures fighting for their freedom somewhere far away from here in the era when humans were not concoured all the forests and land in world themselves.

I have imagine in my head about animals ruling all by themselves and taking care of their own busines. But maybe it is because of fever starting to rise again.. or maybe it is because I just read 'The secret of Nimh' but at the other hand I think it is because of both.

Forest, walleys and rivers they all kinda float before my eyes and I feel like I m there not here. I kinda can hear the wind in trees and feel the sun in my face. But not only I can feel the warmness of the sun, but I can feel something really evil lurking around.

That is the world I wanna write about but my head feels kinda empty of toughts. I don't have any ideas what would be the main plot. Lost sword or lost "hero" finding himself being hero feels too used for me.. Same thing goes with the "One ring to rule them all."

Maybe I m odd, because when I  m tired or ill I always want to write stories and do stuff.. Just when I was supposed to rest and take a nap I want to write or do something else instead.. Who cares. I bet no one reads this blog anyways. Well I don't care it either if anyone really reads this or not but I just feel like this writing kinda clears the mist inside my head.

Well my head is different for rest of us. After all I was supposed to be "A wild child".. I have read it takes only 2-3 years to human grow up his/hers first years without any contacts in other humankind to become one ... well whatever.

I just keep thinking what would happen if not and when not that and this but same time I feel like thinking of nothing, when the other side of my head keeps planning the plot for new novel. Well I quess it is normal for me when I m ill. I never tought of it before before now.

Maybe I should stop writing all this nonsense and shit?.. Why? Then I would feel really bored and I really don't feel like I want to go to bed just yet. And maybe if I keep writing my toughts down I manage to cathch up that Fever raged picture from my head and make a good book plot from it.

That brings to me to think that I never published any of my official texts anywhere.. Should I? Maybe not. I think they would be too boring so no one would not read them anyways. But anyways why do I think of what people do think anyways? Why anyone thinks of that?

It seems to be somekind of inner type in our nature to think what other think of us even it only makes us to think before we act, but somehow it also makes us to not act.. Because we somehow are scared of the world around us. Why? That is a question we all can ask from ourselfs and maybe we wake up a bit smarter at next morning.. Maybe not but maybe.

Drawing ideas?

私は私が退屈退屈退屈退屈だ..
私は次の描画にどのような新しいアイデアにたい..あなたは私のアイデアをお願いしますお願いします
すべてのアイデアは暖かく歓迎されています。

-Varjokani

Well I think I m saved..

I managed to download free version of Daz studio to give it as present to my boyfriend. I really hope he likes it.. ^^

But I m still ill and feel really odd and kinda over energized and I hope people will not hate me now. If they do hate me well they haven't said anything just yet.

Still I should be doing some school stuff soon. I still have to finish my audio book and couple other things. But also I feel kinda too tired to think about them now. Maybe I will think of them later and suffer for them later. At the moment I feel too feverish to think anything smart but also I feel I have too much energy to go to sleep now. Also how could I sleep when I promised to go to my boyfrend's birthday.

..
I should also think what code I m going to specialize. I have been thinking of Java Script, Phyton and Lua and I feel like having difficulties to choose between those. Maybe I will make out something maybe I will not. Who knows. After all we cant tell what happens untill it happens for sure.

Also that saying goes with all things with our lifes. We can't know anything until it happens. We might live our last minute now or tomorrow or maybe it will come after next thousand of years..
We will never know. Also  I think it is a good thing just for our own safeside to not know happenings of tomorrow.  Just think of it. If we would know what would happen to us next we would surely try stay "home and safe" doing nothing and then will would notice we would die knowing having really boring life behind of us.

Would that be nice? Maybe for some of us would say yes but I m not so sure about it. I somehow like surprises and interesting events in life.

But I will writing more soon
-Varjokani

should buy birthday present but ill

Sometimes things just can go so wrong.. I just should be buying something cool for my boyfriend but I got infection in my ears and I feel like I m going just lay here and keep thinking what should I do..

Maybe I figure out something.. Only problem is that its 20:12 and deadline for Birthday partys is tomorrow.. I so hate myself now.

Also I took my kittens neutried today. They are so "drunken" now. I just fear they hurt themselves. Now they are sleeping and I think its a good thing.