Meep bark

A week back I learned that there is gonna be a new Ginga Nagareboshi Gin themed drama show in Japan at June. Since I was huge fan of Finnish fan made musical I got interested enough to join into Finnish GNG themed forum to talk about it.
For my bad forums seem to be dying technology now days. The forum is so dead. Like only two people talking in that forum is me and one of other person plus the admins checking the site once or twice the day and saying hello. Its really sad for someone who has grown up with forums.

I dunno. Somehow I enjoy writing and talking with people online. In forum you can mix these things together and do both at once.

Only thing bothering me at the moment is that the reason forum is empty is that I joined there. The old phobia of humans hating me strikes again. But not every single GNG fan from Finland can hate me can they?

Yes I know I need more self trust and more positive additude. I started to write a parody fanfic on the page half a a week ago and it already has "post read 504 times." so I quess that someone out there must enjoy it. I also started a new rp on forum in hopes of getting someone to rp with me.

For my job situation the things are still the same, no job. But I've started slowly studying how to use Unity. I used Humble Pundle coding course from Zenva academy. I actually should be doing my home works from that site but I m being as any student who does not have deadline.. Avoiding it till get inspiration to do them.

Watership Down Japanese cast list

Just gonna stick these here

Needed these for one theory post I was gonna make..

Angst

Voi vattuuuu. Menin puolvahingos avautuu yhelle forkalle jos ei ollu ees tarkotus käydä. Pitäs melkee poistaa toi sielt mut sit taas toisaalt haluun vaa itkee jonku sylissä.

Mut täs mun ranttaus viel tänneki: "

Mulla itsellä ollut masennuslääkitys vuodesta 2011, ja masennuksen sain jo ala-asteella alkaneen kiusaamisen takia. Nyt on ollu vuoristorataa tän adhdn kanssa. Välillä tosi onnellinen ja välillä tosi surullinen. Lääkkeet siis paniikkihäiriöön/masennukseen, ja adhdseen. Välillä tekis mieli vaa luovuttaa ja kuolla pois. Ja sit esim tällä hetkellä jotenki tyhjä ja yksinäinen olo. Ja sit ku en jostai syystä oo jaksanu ottaa adhd-lääkkeitä ni sellane olo ettei jaksa eikä huvita tehdä mitään muutaku chattaa jostain jonku kaa. Ja tänä iltana taas iski sellane voimattomuuden ja väsymyyden tunne. En tiedä mitä tekis. Ei jaksa ees nousta aamulla. Juu mä lupasin ittelleni etten alkais purkaa tääl heti mun ongelmii mut sit huomasin tän aihealueen tääl ja ajattelin et ku tääl ei ketää oo hereil kuitenka varmaa tähän aikaan joka tän lukis ni voin iha hyvin purkaa tänne.

Mut on siis adoptoitu pienenä ja siit tullu joku hylkäämisreaktio jonka johdosta mul on suoranainen pakkomielle kelvata aina ja kaikille ja olla kaikkien kaveri. Sit saan siit kauheet paineet ja paniikin jos joku random tyyppi kadulla ym vihaa minua. Tai jos joku kaverin kaveri ei pidä musta. Saatan koko päivän miettii miks joku random tyyppi ei pidä musta ja sit en uskalla alottaa mitään ku pelkään et mua inhotaan jo valmiiks. Siitä syystä en uskalla myöskä alottaa seurustelua. Seurustelin pari vuotta takaperin mut se katkes siihen et mä en ollut valmis menee naimisiin. Nyt oon tajunnu et se ihmissuhde oli mulle vaan haitallinen mut silti mun aivois joku on niksahtanu ja oon sillei "Tämä ihminen lupasi suojella ja olla aina läsnä muttei ollu".. ja nyt kauhee kynnys ees mennä puhumaan kenellekä siin mieles et alkais seurusteleen. 
Ja jotenki va sellane olo et oispa vaa joku harrastus joka ei vaatis aivotyöskentelyy. Niinku esim kirjoittaminen tai piirtäminen. Mut täl hetkel kukaan ei oo palkannu mua kumpaankaan. Ja joo mä oon aika varma et nyt jos ees yritän alkaa lukee tätä mun vuodatusta tääl ni kadun sitä ja poistan sen. Et ehk oon vaan tyhmä ja lähetän tän ennenku kadun. Mut ni kiitti ku sain avautuu. Mut niinku iha ittee pelottaa ku en saa mitään aikaiseks enkä jaksa tehä mitään hyödyllistä. Ja sit välil must tuntuu et oisin iha eri ihminen enkä tunne itteeni. Tai sillee. Välil tekee mieli vaa vihata kaikkea ja koen hirveet epäluottamust kaikkea kohtaan ja välil haluun juosta halii ekaa vastaantulijaa. Mut just tän epäluuloisuuden ja vihan takii koen etten koskaan pysty enää rakastuu kehenkä silleen et luottaisin tarpeeks viettääkseni loppuelämäni kenenkä kaa."

Mul jotenki iha tolkuttoman väsy ja itkunen ja turta olo. Sillei et tekis vaa mieli mököttää kattoo kaikkii ihmisii sillei semi-vihasesti.

//

Soo that was my rant in Finnish I quess since I ve been keeping this blog in English I could rant in English also. Soo yeaa I ve been bullied as a child and I ve been adopted so thats maybe why I got such strong "Mandatory" to be friend and loved by everyone. Because I ve been dumped once by my mom at very yong age. That kind of lifestyle is damn rough to live. Always needing to be accepted by everyone. Okay maybe it was easier if I was not as strongly talktive and hyper active person who has tendancy to make people feel annoyed. Atm I had infection wich caused me to not to go to sleep early nor not to wake up early. I think that is why I feel horrible atm.

I have been taking depression/panic attack meds since 2011. And I thinkt those are doing this to me. I feel so emty and dead inside. I feel so bored but I got no energy to get up from the bed in the morning. I m worried about myself. I keep wishing that tomorrow is a new and better day But I m worried how long I can keep this going. I mean I do have friends and I should be happy. But somewhat I feel so lonely and alone. And bored.  Mostly bored. Maybe If I try go to sleep early and wake up early and take my meds like smart person I would be better tomorrow. 

Yawn

Hello again. Ya I havent posted here every day as I kinda promised myself. Appearently the new melatonine I got works. Ive been using something called Sleep aid - Oral melatonin spray. After I got it I had to move to the study for couple of days since my bed was broken. Okay it has been broken for years but finally my mom noticed it and told dad. And instead of buying me new bed dad decided to fix the old one. Yay?

And I m finally back at my own room and I can write. Soo Ive been stuck at Netflix couple of last days. Ive noticed that I love to watch crime drama like Lucifer and Grimm.

Also I managed to spend lot of money because I bought myself a new laptop. Yes I did have laptop for gaming but its keyboard is broken and I had to have separate keyboard with it when ever I used it on gaming parties. I also have my "typewriter" laptop that I m currently using for blogging but this thing cant run games. Okay It can run Sims 1 and Sims 2 but never games? Nope. Also it has Windows 23 bit so it cant run WOW. Even the game would othervise work fine on it. Also this one has small memory. 123Gt so I cant put games like Elderscrolls Online on it.  So yea. I have new gaming laptop for wlan parties. Yay. Only problem is now that I gotta save even more for my own dream house. Yes I do intend to move out eventually but I want a decent house and I want to be sure I dont get my ears on dept the minute I move out.
That is why I live with my parents and keep saving for better flat. I m also looking for job. But so far no luck on getting anyone needing something like me.

I find I m bit nervous about it but Ive also learned that I avoid everything that gives me slight reason to panic and instead I spend my days sleeping and forgetting that panic even exist. I dunno. It has been like this for 3 years now. I think its time to me to stop avoiding panic. Even it might mean I would get hard core panic attacks again. Damn. I wish I did not have my PTSD. But then I would not be me. Even at the moment I dont even know "what" me is. Like I feel like I dont even know myself anymore. I feel comfused and scared of everything. And I dont know what I want an d I dont even know who I'm.

Fail

And it seems I failed again. I did not even try to go to sleep after tea, but I tough if I would manage to stay up till morning I could fix the shitty sleeping schedule. I managed to stay awake till 7am and I fell a sleep. Nice. It would have been nice if I would have the ability to relax and fall a sleep like a normal person. Funny I think the reason Im not aböe to relax is that Im scared that my bed breaks even more and I fall and hurt myself. I got awoken by my mom and she was pissed since Ive managed to drop the wrist holder I loaned from her from my improved night desk to under my bed. She also managed to find my left sock that I dropped when I finally fell a sleep. Worst is that she thanks I drop stuff under my bed while in sleep on purpose to annoy her. Sorry for typos. Im on my way to my theraphy and Im using my phone wich loves to put commas in weird places.

And for some reason I have an other problem

I've been lots of self studying lately. Like trying to get to know me and learning who I'm and what I'm good at. One thing I appearently suck at is falling a sleep. I've noticed that meanwhile some humans can decide to calm down and fall a sleep in an instant I cant do that. Okay sometimes when I have been doing something whole day I can fall a sleep but that happens usually when my body is tired. But like normally I just fall a sleep when I'm tired and wake up when I'm not tired. Now the problem is that since I've not have been anything useful today, in fact I slept till noon today I have hard time falling a sleep. I tried watching Netflix, and at the moment I have horrible headache ( I tried to take painkillers) but I m still unanble to relax or sleep. I tried listening to music yesteday for same problem. But I was still awake at 5:30 when my dad left for work. And I managed to fall a sleep after 6 am.. 

I've watched some tutorials on Youtube how to fall a sleep but I've come into conclusion that my brains just must work differentely from all other humans because I can't decide when I fall a sleep. Like at all. Same way I have zero control if I start daydreaming during the day. I've trained my mind into the point where I can  go to class and work like a normal person and after doing work I manage to fall a sleep at the evening. I even can do daily naps after work. But now since I got nothing to do I cant fall a sleep when I need. This is starting to become a serious problem and I don't like it for one bit. I wanna fall a sleep but my brains act like there was hamster running a hamsterwheel inside my head.

Then again when I was supposed to do something progressive it feels like my brains were took of by this drunken raccoon  who has not slept in a year. Oh flark I hate myself. I wish I could just fall a sleep. But nooo....

I really need to since I got therapy session tomorrow and I gotta be cheery and functional human being tomorrow. But somehow I feel like falling a part while trying to figure out what I m doing with my life. Or okay maybe I can also say that one thing that makes me tired of it is that I've been trying to avoid to decide what to do with my life.. for several years now. The fact is I m scared of change. And the unknown. I m scard I might be hurt. Till the point Im scared to go outside. I can go to the yard and the forest but I find them dull. But I m too scared that I mess úp with buss schedules and end up needing to take a taxi home and making my mom mad at me for it. 

I really wish I was more brave and more able to do stuff. But the constant fear of failure and getting lost really bothers me. In a way it chains me to the wall and I feel useless. I try to tell myself that I m not useless but I feel like Im lying to myself. Then I gather people around me that I try to encourage and help when I can not even help myself.  I need people to help around me to not feel useless. I need to feel needed. But at the same time I get mad on people for needing me. I dont know what I want.

Okay I do think I know what I want. I want a space raccoon to come and save me and snuggle me but that is not gonna happen. Lol. And I think maybe its a good thing. Because I really m not so keen on getting abducted by the demons or aliens wich I believe are the one and same bunch of the fallen angels. I really dont want anything to do with that bunch.  What I want is someone would hire me to being a writer or illustrator. But then again I find myself lost because I keep thinking that "Im bad at it." so I notice that I really dont have to courage to apply for anything or advertise myself. And that is a big problem on creative lifestyle. One should have be the courage to advertise themselves to get clients. But I dont even know what I want to do. I wanna write stuff and draw.. But I feel unsure if I'm good on neither of them.  And I kinda hope someone could help me out with this. But like I talked with my friends in real life about this. Rocket Raccoons dont exsist. I gotta figure out this myself. I m not getting any miracle husband dropped out from the sky to save my sorry ass from this mess. And seriously if someone would drop from sky I would hit them with something hard and scream and run. But like I feel like I should advertize my writing skills even they are shitty as flark. But I dont know anyone who would need a writer. Or how to apply. Is it just like "Hello, my name is Varjokani. I love to write stuff even I do dozen of spelling errors and grammar errors. Would you like to hire me to your blog/magazine/whatsoever?" Or "Hello, I can kinda draw but my art is sketchy as flark because I have bad skills pls hire me." Ya. I know I have to keep practicing before anyone is willing to take me. But I kinda wish I knew what I wanted. 

At the moment I feel like I just need to keep doing self analyzing and since I m way too lazy to keep diary on my computer that I might accidently install or destroy when installing games to my computer I decided to keep writing stuff here. No one is gonna read this anyways so I think its pretty okay to me to do all self study here. And if by miracle someone ends up reading this even years after I wanna tell you "Hello. I was Varjokani. I like rabbits and raccoons and I have depression. Wanna be friends?" Okay that sounded creepy. I dont think anyone should be my friend. I m childish and and super annoying. And no one should defienetely date me because only men I need in my life are Jesus and Rocket raccoon. They are two I cant possibly hurt or annoy. Because like I said I m  super annoying person. And super lazy. Like I should be a sleep but somehow I felt like writing and here we go again. I ve been writing nonsense again like for half an hour. Hahha. And I somehow feel that I can't stop. I feel like this weir fire burning inside me that makes me feel happy and safe. And like I was doing something useful. What a lie I know. Writing this down is not useful. Or maybe it is for future. But I'm kinda person who wants to see the effects right away. Not after dozen of years. But ya. I got lot to learn from Jesus. He has been waiting far more longer than I have. And I m almost certain he must feel super annoyed after waiting. But then again he is God and he got better nerves than I do. He loves as all even how much we fuck up in life. All we gotta do is pray for forgiveness and pray for help. I've been praying for something to do with my life and I m still waiting the sign. And at the moment I feel like if I ve managed to wait for so long I can wait bit longer. I got nothing to loose. I think. Maybe I have. But I m  way too depressed to think abou that so I think Im just gonna send this rant to be public on my blog and go drink some tea and hug my stuffed raccoon plushie and drink some tea.  I might even try to sleep after it.  

-Varjokani

And I think I might have a slight problem..

Our water has iron on it and I tried to wash my glasses with it. And now my glasses has this smokey effecty dirt on it that is not going away. Oh god I m so flarked. I just got these and I dont wanna pay for other 600 euros for new ones.

And yes I got glasses since appearently I have bad eye sight. And really dry eyes. And  my eye sight keep switching. Sometimes I m not sure if I see anything with glasses or not. Like I can read but my field of vision is really small and I'm kinda worried about. Ya. I m kinda of a person who worries a lot and usually makes everything into big deal and deal big enough to freeze and have panic attack about.

But at this moment I just wanna scream and panic because Ive managed to ruin my glasses with normal water. okay our water. It tastes like blood even it goes trough sand filter to get rid of the most of the iron on it.  Also my bed is broken. It has been  for years but Im suddenly feeling like maybe I dont wanna sleep fearing to break up on bed splitting up on the middle. Already happened couple of times. Ive have had this bed since I was 4. My Grandfather made it for me. He used to be a woodworker. He also made my parents's bed and other furnitures in the house.
But ya. Its 1:04 am so maybe I should just stop worrying and go to sleep.
But then there is this question. How does one just shut their brains down and stops worrying?
My brains lack that function. I really sometimes would love to have to have my head scanned lol.
Maybe I m gonna just try watch bad movies from Netflix untill I fall a sleep or listen something from Spotify.

I try start updating daily because I kinda like writing. Ya I know no one is never gonna read this shit that I type here but I m not typing this so people would read it. Okay maybe I wish that was the case. But mostly I m just typing stuff here to clear my own head and making myself something to look back and cry later on.

Funny thing I read my old posts and found couple really suicidal ones. I've really been deep down in the hole. Somehow I still feel like I m in the hole but lately Ive been avoiding of going outside or doing anything that would upset me. Maybe that is a good thing. Or maybe it is not.  One thing is clearly a bad sign because I keep dreaming about Rocket Raccoon and kissing him and stuff. That is definetely a bad sign.  Or I dunno. I suppose us girls are built to want make a happy family but I just want to go hug and kiss Rocket and hide and snuggle him on some corner and  watch as the world destroys itself. I just wanna be cute and cuddly with  him. I know I m crazy. He is not even real. Oh gosh I really at least fast read this and edit all stupid shit like this away so I would not regret it later.  But you know what. I m stupid. And I m gonna let this here so I can regret it later. I dunno if I even live long enough to regret it. I mean. I got eye glasses now. I feel like 100 years old granny who just sits home and waits the welcome death.

What was I supposed to say here again.. I got lost.

So after watching Netflix about cute girls who type their inner mind into the thext and look cute while doing it I somehow got inspiration to start writing myself. Stupid. I know. Well I supposed you all knew I was stupid already but if not congraz!

So at the moment Im looking for a job or a place to study.. Or "looking" because I spend most of my time sleeping in bed and snuggling my stuffed pet animals and thinking what kind of job I would like to have.

At the moment I ve decided that I want either draw or write, but about what I wanna do art or text I have zero idea. I could always re-try vlogging and start streaming on Twitch.tv more often but I doupt I could get enough money for it for living. And yes. Money. Funny thing that since I tried to buy food for me and one of my friend independently for a week I learned how much living costs money. Too much for my liking.. And then there is this stupied thing that when before I could not eat even or feel hungry even while treated with a shot gun now I feel hungry with no end.. Untill I thow over on parking lot on snowstorm during the winter shoppings. Ya. That happened. I was on town with my mom and we went to the see The Snowman on the movies with live orchester. Then we decided to eat some chinese. And for some reason my body not only have lost the ability to tell me when I m hungry it never tells me when I m full. When old days I used to keep myself "I feel like I need food right now" mood and keep having melt downs and panic attacks over everything I now have ended up eating too much. I only threw up once tough. But ya. Now I keep thinking like seriously? What I m gonna do with my life? Ya. My boss retried during the Christmas and closed his company so I m in a need of a new job. Or place to study. Ive applied for couple gaming project shcools but I havent gotten as far as getting an interview yet from any of them.

Slowly I feel the panic to rise up on me since I know my parents cant keep keeping me as their pet for ever. Atm they give me food and place to stay and think. But my mom already told me if dad retires or dies we two will have to move away from here. And I dont like that idea for one bit. This has always been my home since I got adopted as 1 years old from Russia. A first place to call home, and a safe spot for bullies. I ve been bullied a lot because I used to be that super annoying and talktive kiddo who never shut up and wanting to be friends with everyone. I saw Mowgli the movie the other day and the dog charachter called Booth hit me too hard and too close. I used to be annoying like that and no one liked me. I m unsure tough if its any good that nowdays I act up like some Rocket Raccoon from MCU who is too tired of pleasing humans to give a crap about what people think about her.  I usually tend to stay home away from humans so I wont annoy anyone by accidents. Luckily I have awesome friends irl who know who Im. They always give me a hug and even they dont know it they mean a world to me. They are my world. I just hope I would figure out what to do with my life before I get an other panicky melt down and start to be too scared to even try.. Okay who m I kidding. I ve been too scared to go out and try anything for years. Last 3 months Ive had just "lucky" since I got this horrible flu and troath ache that activates the second I try extersizing or going outside. Ive been have granted the perfect alibi to stay indoors away from humans that I m so scared of.

Raccoon-Geico-Varjokani 2

back after hiatus(?)

Huhhuh. Time has clearly passed. Opened my old laptop after over like 4 months and everything is suddently updating and trying to fix itself and I could not figure anything else to do while waiting than spam here so here I'm.

So yea atm I m at part time job that is dued to end at Authumn. Looking for better job but I feel I can't focus on finding a new job as long as I still have my old job so I m waiting my old job to end before getting new one.

So what has been going on my life. Yea I m single and quite happy. Or at least I think I'm happy. It has been interesting to notice how little me and my ex in really had in common. Okay we both were Christians and liked rabbits but thats abou it. He clearly wanted me to be his mom replica and I with my own depression could not do it for him. Yea I m on therapy now with my depression and woah. It seems the old wounds are really deep. And I just now have started to understand my own adhd and my own behaviour. Also I think me being adopted as 1 years old totally feral child with no eye contact skills etc has something to do why Im the way I m.

Also I read that if someone is abandoned once as a child they easily fear being abandoned again and feel strong loss when they have to loose someone. Maybe that has something to do with the fact why I wanna be friends with everyone and why I value the fact that all people get along with each other more than the guy next door.

And about guy next door Ive learned that I m not only rabbit furry in Finland and this makes me really happy. Big shoutout to all fellow bunnies out there! Varjokani loves u. <3
..
And then there is the factor of Rocket Raccoon. I somehow have really weird feelings towards him. But I think I will tell about them in my next post because this post already is too long. Lol.. But in short I love him and I wanna protect him and make sure no one ever gets a change to hurt him again. And then I m like "No I m not a mother for anyone. I need all my energy to survive my own depression.." But then I just see any damn raccoon pics and Im like "Awwww.. I wanna be your mom." And if I see pics of Rocket I m like daamn he is hot. *blush*

Testing pencil 2d

High hou and of to stream I go

Hiya for (again) long time no see.
I have AGAIN managed to forget that I even had this blog but here I'm. I have been playing League of Legends lately too much for my own sense. But I could not figured out what else to play.

Then I got idea to start streaming again. I will be streaming on https://www.twitch.tv/varjokani for all awesome content you people just give me ideas. Atm I m trying to download LOTRO but I fear its broken. It told me that I dont have subcrition on or something? Like what?  I tought it used to be a free to play game.

For other hand WoW is working okay. Even one quest I tried bugged whole game so I decided to redo my carachter.

But ya just hop in and tell me you said hello.

High ho and here I go

Ya again long time no see, but here I'm same as ever. Yes Gosupermodel closed down in the end since there were not so many people who wanted to buy vip since the staff did not do any interesting activities on the site that made site boring. And I think staff found site boring as well. At the moment I'm finishing http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/ but before that is finished and full of hd graphics its gonna take some time and inspiration and I think I have lack of both atm. Well mostly lack of inspiration. I feel like something is missing. Well something is missing since my dear bunny rabbit passed away. I had artblock before that but now it seems to haven taken a turn into a worse.

I think I will force myself to do video blogging if I dont get any inspiration to do anything smart soon.

here and there again

Hi there. Again.. long time no see. I know. I have been busy. I have lately started playing with AI, and code. I can't promise you anything but maybe you get a nice surpise in future. ;-)

And I think now I'm ready to tell it here also that my dear fellow and bro Bigwig died at this winter. It really made me stop  and think how everyone can die. That is actually the real season why you guys haven't seen me lately. But here I'm.

I have been thinking to start doing vlogs on youtube. Tell me what do you think. Should I give it a try?
-
Varjokani

Riko-Neko on paras :P

Kyllä. Meidän kaikkien pitkaikainen unelma on nyt toteutunut kun Riko-Neko aka Candykitten julkaisi ensimmäisen oman pelinsä Shadowfieldsiin. :P
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/h4-hohtopong

Shadowfields -oma forkkasivu

Menikös tuo ulkoasu nyt liian pirteksi?
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/t51-tervetuloa-shadowfieldsiin
Hups.

No kuitenkin toivon että tutustutte ja sanotte mielipiteenne. :P

Täällä taaaash~

Heips huips vain kaikille.
Tiedän olen todellakin mestari mitä siihen tulee että unohdan asioita joita minun pitäisi tehdä aktiivisesti. Ja silloin kun kyse on siitä että jotain pitää tehdä minä suorastaan välttelen sitä kuin ruttoa.
..
Sitten välillä suunnittelen että mitä minä voisin tehdä, ja saan tuhat hyvää ideaa, mutta sitten tulee eteen valinnanvaikeus, että minkä näistä minä toteuttaisin? Sitten lopulta koko roska kaatuu siihen että en tee mitään.

Minun piti jossain vaiheessa kuvata teille vloggaus-video jossa selitän teille mitä olen tehnyt, mutta sitten ujous, ja se etten pidä omasta ulkonäöstäni otti vallan. Anteeksi. :((

Ja joo, Shadowfieldsiä kehitelen edelleen. Siinä vaan vähän sama ongelma, eli en ollenkaan keksi että millaisesta pelistä pitäisi aloittaa. Nyt vihdoin sain aikaiseksi tehdä sinne demo-version cookie-clickeristä. :D

Niinpä minä toivoisin että te rakkaat, ja ihanat ihmiset auttaisitte minua ja sanoisitte minulle että millainen peli minun pitää tehdä. Valinnanvaikeus on liian suuri. Ja kyllä Riko-Neko on edelleen projektissa mukana, mutta hänellä on atm. opiskelukiireitä, ja minäkin keikkatyötä teen, joten ollaan molemmat aika "kiireisiä", tai Neko kiireinen ja minä laiska., D:

Mutta siis pyrin pyörimään SFssä joka päivä,ja jos minua ei siellä näy saa minua huutaa twitterissä ja minä tulen. :3

Ja mitä tämän piti olla vain lyhyt "Moi mtsä?" postaus, mutta nyt on jo aikamontariviä ja koen etten ole edes päässyt alkuun. Paitsi hymiöiden spämmimmisessä. Anteeksi siitäkin. :/ Muttakun jotenkin koen että on Gosuajoilta jäänyt paha tapa kertoilla kasvojen ilmeitä hymiöiden kautta. (jotkut pahat tavat eivät unohdu).

Mutta siis en ole unohtanut teitä. Ja toivon että te ette ole unohtaneet minua (hyvässä mielessä).

http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/h1-pelit

Shadowfield - meeh

Vihdoinkin tää alkaa näyttää jo verkkosivusto-foorumilta. Nyt pitäisi vielä kehitellä tänne jotain kivoja pelejä. :)

Onko teillä mitään ideaa että millaisella lähdettäisiin liikkeelle?
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/

Puhdas alku - Kimba - meh - Oisinpa joku tuntematon ni saisin riehua ja pelleillä ilman et tulee sellanen syyllinen olo

Siis puhdas alku jonain jota kukaan ei tunne. Sitten ehkä joku uskaltaisi puhuakin mulle. Tai kun tuntuu että nykyään edelleen jotkut on sillei "iih. Kimba ei sille uskalla puhuu."

Mut sitte kun mulla on eroava kirjoitustyyli ja omalaatuinen piirrustustyylii niin mut tunnistetaan heti. Gosussa kokeilin aloittaa uudella mallilla ja yhden sanan kirjoitin foorumille ja paljastuin. Jotenki vaan ajattelin tulla sydäntä tänne keventämään siitä miten tahtoisin olla kuten kaikki muutkin. Ja joo tiedän etten ole mitenkään erityinen mut olis kivaa olla tuntematon ja sellanen jota kohtaan ei ole ennakko-olettamuksia.

Tai ainakin itsellä on sellanen olo jäänyt gosuajosta että jos tein yhtään mitään niin aina joku järkyttymässä. Pahimmassa vaiheessa en saanut vaihtaa mallini ulkoasua ollenkaan. XD

Ja sitten kun sanoin mielipiteeni jostain kaikki oli sillei "Miten se nyt noin voi sanoohh?!" Kaipaan jotenki sitä aikaa kun kukaan ei tienny musta mitään. Mut tiedän sen että sitä ei taida saada takasin.

Ku tekis mieli vaan riehua ja olla pöljä mut tulee sellanen olo et ei pysty koska kaikki olettaa multa jotain käytöstapoja.

Jotenki kauheen vastuullinen olo. Tai siis tuntuu et kaikki vihaa mua jo valmiiks. XD

Ois kiva olla vaan ei kukaan.

Testaanpahan vaan

Shadowfields on nyt auki!

Hei siellä. Tiedän että moni on odottanut tätä jo pitkään, ja vihdoin sain repäistyä netistä toimivan oloisen foorumikoneen jolla pystyn aloittamaan projektin siinä määrin että sinne voi oikeasti jo tehdäkin jotain omaa sotkua, ja se pysyy pystyssä.

tai siis aikaisempien ilmaisserverien ongelmana ollut se että nämä ovat kaatuneet heti kun tietty määrä badwithiä (käyttäjät avanneet sivua ja käyttäneet sen muistia) on käytetty.

Mutta tämän pitäisi toimia. Ja uusia toimintoja on luvassa. ;-)

http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/forum

Hyvä hyvä suomen valtio! Mihin ne rahat katoo? // Eikö voisi korjata kouluja? Valtio hei!

Luin tossa eilen lehdestä että ISIS-terroristijärjestön riveissä hengailevat suomalaiset saavat KELAN tuen mikäli ilmaantuvat Suomeen puolen ennen ulkomaillaoleskeluajan umpeutumista. Tuli mieleen että eikö valtio voisi käyttää rahansa vähän järkevämmin.

Ohessa ystäväni kertomus hänen koulurakennuksensa kunnosta, ja siitä miten se vaikuttaa hänen opiskeluunsa. Pistää oikeesti hiljaiseksi ja vihaiseksi kun tajuaa että rahat menee ihan jonnekin muualle kuin siihen missä sitä tarvitaan ja missä siitä olisi jotain hyötyä:


Nyt annan puheenvuoron Hetalle


     

Heta Peperonia Kontinen:

Pieniä ajatuksia koulun alusta kehiin:
Koulu alkaa huomenna. Yleensä oon ollut se tyyppi, joka alkaa odottaa kouluun paluuta jossain heinäkuun puolessa välissä. Tänä vuonna, ensimmäistä kertaa elämässäni koen kouluun paluun ahdistava ja vaikeana, jopa pelottavana.
Syy on hämmästyttävän yksinkertainen: koulun sivurakennuksen homeongelma. Ei varmaan kukaan muukaan nauttisi kouluun menosta jos tietäisi että seurauksena luulet kuolevasi väsymykseen, migreenin omaiseen pääkipuun, lihaskramppeihin ja hengitysvaikeuksiin joka kerta kun astut sisälle koulurakennukseen. (ja nyt ei puhuta "valvoin yön yli" väsymyksestä. Nyt puhutaan niin totaalisesta voimattomuudesta ettet kykene kävelemään suoraan jos kykenet kävelemään ollenkaan, silmät eivät jaksa kohdistaa, olet liian voimaton nostaaksesi kynää pöydältä etkä kykene reagoimaan yhtään mihinkään. Nyt puhutaan kirjaimellisesta kuoleman väsymyksestä)
Koulun sivurakennus on tosiaan homeessa, ainakin kolme kerrosta neljästä on. Tiedän sen tasan tarkkaan, ja koulun muutkin homeyliherkät tietävät sen tasan tarkkaan, mutta koulua ei kiinnosta pätkän vertaa. Rehtorin ainoa vastaus oli ”Sitten sinun täytyy valita kursseja joita ei järjestetä siellä.” Ongelmana tässä on se, että homeluokissa järjestetään kursseja, jotka minun on käytävä suorittaakseni lukion. Lisäksi, en hakenut Kallion lukioon sitä varten että ainoa ilmaisuaine johon voisin osallistua (joka siis järjestetäään pääkoululla) olisi tanssi (joka on minulle hyvin lähellä kidutusta ja sitä ei edes tarjota tarvittavaa kahtatoista kurssia) Eikä muutenkaan voi olla minkään lain mukaista että joutuisin jättämään lukujärjestyksestäni aineita pois vain sen takia että koulua ei kiinnosta tarpeeksi edes tutkia asiaa, saatikka sitten tehdä sille mitään. Tietääkseni lainkin mukaan minulla on oikeus turvalliseen ja tasavertaiseen oppimisympäristöön, enkä tiedä miten tämä täyttää kummankaan edellytyksiä.
Mietin koko kesän mistä tämä kiinnostuksen puute johtuu. Kuvittelisin yhden syyn olevan termi ”homeallergia”. Se otetaan helposti vain muutaman ihmisen ongelmana, mutta totuus ei ole ihan näin. Home yliherkkyys on hyvinkin eri asia kuin vaikka maitoallergia. Jos olen maidolle allerginen, kaikki muut voivat yhä juoda sitä huoletta. Homeen kanssa asia ei ole näin. Sen saastuttama ilma on myrkyllistä, oli hengittäjä yliherkkä tai ei. Yliherkät ihmiset vain reagoivat nopeammin ja herkemmin. Jotkut sairastuvat selittämättömään syöpään kymmenen vuoden päästä, alkavat kärsiä keskushermoston ongelmista tai saavat astman.
Tässä välissä haluaisin siis ilmaista sen suunnattoman ahdistuksen ja vitutuksen tunteen kun minun ja kaikkien muidenkin koululaiseni ja aika monen muunkin koululaisen ympäri Suomea pitää palata tällä viikolla kouluun, huolimatta siitä että ilma jota siellä hengitämme tuhoaa terveyttä pala palalta.
Ei muuten ole kiva fiilis.
Edit: keksin täs hampaita pestessä hienon vertauskuvan. Tää on vähän sama ku jos kouluruokaan lisättäis ain pieniä määriä myrkkyä ja sit jos satut reagoimaan vahvemmin/aikasemmin ku muut nii sit sanotaan et eipähän tartte syödä täällä, eti ruokas muualta."

 --
/
Toivon että edes joku lukisi tämän ja saisin tällätavoin huomion käännettyä siihen mihin Suomen valtio oikein pistää rahansa!

Nasus is a damn big shrew.. O_O

Hi guys. Whats up? Yes, I have been unactive online.. or kinda.
I have been playing League of Legends lately. Feel free to join me.. cause I really think playing with friends is fun. Okay, at least if you play with friends there is no hate if you loose game and its your fauld. :P

Plz join LOL here to see how funny it is with friends. :)

I have been planning to stream LOL while I play it but with long days at work and parents arriving home early its small time I can have it with no one else on house. Please comment if you think I should stream it or not?

Good morning

Ya. It seems its friday again.. And I notice that I find Myself wondering How it is possible. I mean it just Was a monday. Where does time dissappear into?

What the heck does artblock even mean?

Ya. I have been talking with Candyskitten aka. Karkkikissa lately.. It seems I'm suffering from art block. Yes, Karkkikissa  at least told me that syntoms and dissorers fit to my description about how I feel.
And it is damn scary..

It seems I have two options. Either force myself to draw, or wait to inspiration just to drop from the sky.

--
Maybe this also is following for fact that lately when I have inspiration I don't have paper or pencil with me. Nor I have time or change to draw because of work.

Ya. I m little bit insecure about what should I do next..? But maybe Ill think of something. Something smart I hope.

Also note you can now actually send me messages and talk me on FB viaVarjokani Official .
See ya around because its time to me to start working again!

And it just keeps raining and raining

Eh. When does this rain stop..? Ya. I was just talking with my online furry friend from spain who told me that there are no rain in there. Also he told me that normally they get lots of rain.
..
While we in Finland seem to drown from cold and wet stuff called water. Yes, I say that because my shoes went wet at this morning and I felt like I died.And even I'm in warm office. I feel like I'm dying.. My feet still are cold.

.
And the conclusion I'm making here is that in fact it seems we got their bad weather now. And I don't like it one bit.

Just hoping the rain to go away and leave me alone for a week.

New channels to communicate

Ya. I found out I could actually create "artist page" of myself on Facebook. I'm so happy. Yay. Feeling like little child atm. Okay, I'm little kid. At heart at least. But since I hang out in FB these days I tough maybe I should be able to talk to you guys also. :P
So here I'm.
https://www.facebook.com/VarjokaniOfficial?ref=hl

:-D

Music coming from inside my hands:

Beautiful song I wanna share and translate for English speaking people. This song just make me cry. And feel so calm.

 My creator gave me two hands.
The Lord wishpered:" Use them to love."

Ill take my hands in to use, just wait and see.
I'm not gonna keep the power hidden.

But I did not learn to love, I left my hands inside my pockets.
They withered silently in their hideout.

The years and days passed.
I did not learn to use my hands. My hands were clumsy and hard and cold.
I went to show my hands to the Creator: "Look what are my hands"

What ever ever I want to touch, it just breaks into pieces under my hands.
My hands are scattering death, and method of loving is breaking everything.

So it is best if I just keep my hands in my pocket. I hid and cover them with care,
so they don't be able to destroy no more. I throw soil over them.

I saw tears in the eyes of my creator, no any hint of blame (or making quilty):
"Give your dirty hands to me. I wanna tend and wash them."

I don't cannot understand / Dont know what happened at that moment. The winds
started to blow. They wiped away the dirt and bitterness. Then there started coming
music from my hands / my hands started to play.

They played uknown/ weird melody. Really quietly at first. I could not silence it
as it took more room wildy. And it spreaded with dauntless power into
so familiar hands of mine that brusted with melody.

The light flowed into tips of my fingers. God, you gave me my hands. My whole soul
is thanking You. My hands are mere a channel.
What ever you wish, do it. Its enough.

Original:

Minä Luojalta kaksi kättä sain.
 Luoja kuiskasi;" Rakasta niillä."
Otan kädet käyttöön, odota vain.
En voiman suo salassa piillä.
Mutta en oppinut rakastamaan,
minun käteni taskuihin jäivät.
Ne kuihtuivat hiljaa piilossaan.
Ohi kulkivat vuodet ja päivät.
En oppinut käsiä käyttämään
ne olivat köpelöt, kovat.
Niitä Luojalle lähdin näyttämään:
" Katso, millaiset käteni ovat."
Mitä tahansa tahdon koskettaa,
se musertuu kätteni alla.
Minun käteni kylvää kuolemaa,
ja rakastaa rikkomalla.
On siis paras, kun käteni taskuun jää.
Kädet huolella kätken ja peitän,
niin ne eivät tuhoa enempää.
Niiden päälle nyt multaa heitän.
Näin Luojani silmissä kyyneleet,
en jälkekään syytöksestä:
" Anna minulle kädet likaiset.
Minä tahdon ne hoitaa ja pestä."
Mitä tapahtui silloin, tiedä en.
Tuulet alkoivat huminoida.
Ne pyyhkivät lian ja katkerudeuden.
Minun käteni alkoivat soida.
Ja ne soittivat outoa sävelmää
ensin arasti aivan ja salaa.
Sitä säveltä voinut en hiljentää,
kun se villinä valtasi alaa.
Ja se levisi hurjalla voimalla
minun tuttuihin käsiini näihin,
jotka ilosta uhkoivat soimalla.
Valo virtasi sormen päihin.
Jumala, Sinulta käteni sain.
Koko sieluni Sinua Kiittää.
Minun käteni ovat kanava vain.
Mitä tahdot, se tee, se riittää.

being tired

I did try reason yesterday with the person I wrote here about. But when I'm still feeling unsecure about the fact that this person acts like I'm his mother and keeps telling me everything.. and blaming me for everything-- I try to support my friends but there are limits. I just can't do it.

..
And I told him that. Somehow today and yesterday I have been just so tired. I feel like I would just pass out every second. Yes, I go to bed early but still. I wonder why?

I'm just so tired. And yes, I sit too much on computer, but I do it because of my work. So yes, my neck is killing me. Again.

But maybe someday I just pass out. Well we will see. Not planning to do it tough.

Plääh

Old bad habits seems to die hard.. Noticing again one in myself.
Yes, most of my friends say I'm "Easy to make friends with" and m "nice person".. Yes, I try to be polite and good and behave because mom always told me that you don't need to like everyone, but get along with everyone. ..
..
Well I find again that when I let people be themselves and myself being me trying to stand "annyoing people". Then when it comes to the breaking point where I no longer can stand someone's behavior and tell them to quit it.. and tell that I'm annoyed by them. Somehow I always get shock reaction from them.
..
How is that always possible people shocking and crying when I say I don't like something. Damn. I m so tired being nice to everyone all the time. I can't be perfect all the time. But still it makes myself feel sad and I find hurting mostly myself when I get mad on someone. But still I just can't take all stupid actions.

--
M I only one with this problem or are there any others who have similiar problems?
..
Problem being me being too friendly and always supporting my friends, even I got bad depression myself. When I just can't support someone dear to me "it" meaining my friend starts to being really depressed and even suicidal and harmful for themselves. :/

And I just can't help it. I try behave and support everyone and listen. But some times I just need to be left alone.

Yes, I might seem social and easy outside but in real life I find myself baring no skill to bare being near with humans for long time perioid. After coming home from work I usually go straight to bed because I'm so tired of being social. And I feel like I'm getting burn out for being social all the time at work. I wanna sleeeeeeep. But I can't because I have work to do.

And yes, sorry, I know this all sounds confusing and my grammar is failing me again. Lol. Its just that I have so much to say and I dunno how to say it proper way or how to say it. And yes, most of the time I find difficould to speak or write in Finnish. If you think I have hard time writing stuff in English, don't make me write it Finnish. I find that mostly I know English word for something I mean or English saying for some situations, but can't tell how its supposed to say in Finnish. Words like: Cliffhanger, Creeped out, Outsider, furry etc just don't have the same ring in them in Finnish. And saying "Kliffhangeri" or "Kreeppaa mut hengiltä" just sounds stupif. XD

Maybe I sjould continiue my work atm and write more stuff later.

But I just feel like I'm on burnout. Yep. I just fetched more paper pictures and film from warehouse cellar and was supposed to scan and digitalize them all. But after 500 0000 of pictures scanned (at least) I start feeling myself bit weary and dull. I just need to take a looong nap. But then again I know I just can't do it. I can't just quit. I promised my boss that I would do this and I can't let him down. After all he is so nice person and always cheers me up.

Also most of my co-workers are just so adorable. Okay only ones I feel odd being with and find that they don't wanna talk with me are couple of female summer workers.. But for male co-workers I just feel like spoiled kid middle of them. Heheh. Just yesterday one had bougth Icecream and was like "I don't wanna eat this.. you want this?" :D

But ya. Maybe I just needs to slap myself in face and keep doing..

I just have found myself whole day being bit more numb than usually because I had bit argue with one of my friends. He seems to think I  m free to leave work to eat with him and he is free to do all what he wants. And he did not get the hint to not call me middle of my work shift. So I told him not to do it.

Let it shine! Let it shine! Let it shine!

It's funny how when its cloudy and murky I have no intenios what so ever going anywhere near front yard or step out of the house because "its too cold and windy.."  however I find out that when its sunny and warm I found new obsticle and bad thing being out there.. And that is the sun.

Its just too hot and I start getting headache and feeling dizzy when I go out. Even if I wear a hat. Maybe it is just that I haven't got used to the sun yet. .. After long being depressed and just sitting there its small wonder. But still I wish it would somehow be easier.

..
And same time I find out being total foul-mouthed racist towards the weather.

What is love?

I recently hopped into a claim that marriage is love. If love= marriage, then I'm mostly married to my computer, Vincent, all my rpg charachters,  my job, my food, my home, my bed, my pillow, my kittens, my clothes, my hat, my nails, my hair... Damn this list is too long.

What I wanna correct that I think love is about caring. I care about all that stuff above. But I still don't wanna marry them.. Well most of them maybe not are not considered as marriable objects due today's laws but you get the point.

I think love is synonyme to want to be with something and keep something neart and care about something. Its not always marriage.

YES; ABSOLUTELY marriage should have these things. You should be able to care and wanna be with the person you marry. But still that is not how I defy love. Love is part of marriage. So also is argues and talking about different opinions. They are also important part of us being social.

---
This text is no means to hurt anyone's feelings or attack any person/ inviduals what  so ever.

I just want to make clear statement how I see things and also I'm interested to know how you see these things. Please comment and share!

Love is not just marriage. Love is caring, and LIKING the other person EVEN the other person sometimes is A TOTAL IDIOT: Thats part of love as well.

Deep shit for you broght by Varjokani. :P

.. Deep shit here

In case you keep wondering if I actually enjoy being stupid and writing and wondering about all stuff I see the answer is yes. But if you ask me why then I just have to tell you that I don't know. Somehow I just feel it nice to pour all things inside my head to your head. I dunno. But this feels relaxing. It still helps me think clear. Kinda like telling stuff to someone close to me.. even I don't tell anyone. I just write it so all can see it. But then I wonder why it makes me feel so relaxed.

..
Maybe its because world is full of stuff that I just dont get. Like rapist, mean people, racist, people who just wanna abuse someone else,.. etc.

Maybe its more easy to me to handle stuff when I know someone else (meaning you poor fellow who accidently ended up opening this link) has to bare it with me.

Ahah. I wanna say I feel sorry for you but kinda I'm happy that you guys read this shit. :)
-
Nya

When people dont love other and don't even themselves ..

Today I made an other post considering rape and hurting others. I have been thinking whole day one question; "WHAT MAKES MAN not wanna care for others?"

Like if you can think of only of yourself and own desires, only then you'll be able to rape, hurt, steal or murder someone. On then just let's take it simple level to the bullying at school etc. All wrong selfish stuff needs people to for some reason stop caring. "I don't give a fuck" additude is dangerous. More dangerous than people think of. It can lead to horrible stuff.

Well still what made it in first place? And when people don't give damn about other do they even give damn of themselves? No. They don't in most cases. Or then they do but they seem to think that no one else gives a damn about them so they take avenge and "revenge the cruelty of the world back where it came from."

So in the end everyone hates each other and wanna kill each other..

Then there is an other thing that I don't understand. World view of youn +20 years old female who works as a prostitute and posts to magazine that "She is happy and proud when married people have sex with her..?"
Erm.. I have nothing against sex, but against cheating and helping with cheating and enjoying it is bit suspicious.

Also if think myself, I could never let total stranger touch me. Hugging yes, and dancing yes. But no sex. No being naked.

I just keep wondering how broken one must be if thinks that selling themselves like animals and being "abused" by strangers with no love involved makes them happy?
..
That makes me also note that everyone needs hugs and love. But I think selling own body to strangers to get it is kinda wrong way.

I see it as it could hurt people from inside. being used dishcloth surely can feel cool but I see it as same situation as I would make some stranger to clean my room and then spit on their face. Its not right.

But like I said earlier I don't wanna judge people. I just wanna know why they do stuff that I cant understand.

over-reaction of self-defense and other nice stuff in Finland aka. Meanwhile in Finland

So basicly it seems that some "SMART DUDES" in Finland think that its okay to teach kids that if they rape someone its okay, and they just have to pay little money ('and when they don't have money goverment pays it off??") to get free hotel for couple of months or maybe for a year. Plus if anyone speaks badly about u and tell u are dangerous its a bad thing. So basicly you can go free in a year to roam free and do an other rape?
..
What the fuck.?..

What the actual fuck?

When someone does anything to hurt someone else, AND ISN'T EVEN SORRY for it. Its highly possible that with given change and "premission" they do it again. And in some case thei did it again. You can read it from newspapers that someone sexually assaulted someone and had records of doing violence to the even same person before. And still they are free to go where ever they please?
..

Ya, I don't wanna judge people. If you did some bad stuff in your past and you were sorry for it AND CHANGED to the better. And QUIT hurting people its okay. I don't blame you. But this is just so wrong. And I for one m coward of people and going out already. This is getting to the point when its not safe to go out again..?

Oh and I almost forgot the most 'awesome' part called "LEGITIMATE SELF-PROTECTION violent hyperbole", hätävarjelun liioittelu. It means basicly if someone tries to rob you or rape you and you happen to hit them in face so they get a nose bleed etc. Or the fact they even feel any pain for it is reason enough to you get to pay big money for the criminal for "hurting them invain while they were to try harm you."

Ya. In here it seems if someone breaks into your house and you show them fireplace poker stick and tell them to 'go away before you have to defend yourself' they can sue you for threatening their very life..
Or like I said if you hit thief in act thief gets you busted for using too much force.

And then again there were cases about rape where people were told "But he isn't quilty 'cause you did not do all you could to stop him..'  But how can you do anything if its enough to get you busted. 

Graw. I hate Finland.. or I hate its judges who judge dudes for selling snuff (tobbaccoo you put on your lip) for over a 3 years when people can walk free from rape because "It wasn't so humiliating".

--
Ya. Sorry guys but I'm just so much hate and fear for this thing. Its not nice to live in a country where defending yourself is a crime, and also there is none to defend and rise up for you if you need help. Not law at least.

Just randomn tic

For some reason my rigth eye keeps Twitching cause of tic with no reason whats so ever..
In Finland we call that "elohiiri", meaning "live-mouse".
..
I'd more likely have to have elohiiri that looks like this one

 

 

Yes..  my irl friends have already joked that I got just so much Vinnie on my head. Lollollol. 

私はかなりの言語の後ろの痛みを隠しています。

 私はこれを行うだけではないのですか？それは離れて痛みを取る願って未知の言語が書き込み？
まあ、少なくとも私はどれも実際にこれらを読まない見ることができます。思考誰かが実際にこれらを読んでいましたなら、それは怖いだろう。私はどれも見ないとどれも気にしないという事実のために使用されています。私が住んでいる場合、または死亡しています。どれも認識していません。いずれも、思いやりではありません。どれも私を欠場します。

同時に、その楽しさと恐ろしい真実。私はちょうどそれと一緒に暮らすことを学ぶ必要があります。私が失敗した場合、私は引き金を引くだろう。自分を殺すの人々が天国に行くことができないためと地獄への片道旅行を行きます。

アディオスのアミーゴ。

これが最後の時間であれば、私はあなたを参照してください。私は抱擁あなたをしたいと私はしたい私はあなたのすべての単一の1を愛したと言います。カンピオンくん..理子·ねこちゃん.. Uすべての私には非常に重要。

私は落ちることができます。

私は落ちることができます。私はあなたが私をキャッチします落ちますか？私はすべての人と悲しいことにも疲れメートル。私は私を受け入れるように人々をしたいと..私は誰もが私はたわごとの愚かな障害者作品をクソだ考えを持つ人々と一緒にいたいです。私はしたくはもう放置することはありません。ない再び。私の中にあまりにも多くの古い痛み。ハーツ。神はなぜ？なぜあなたは一人で泣く私を許可しますか？
これは楽しみではありません。私は他の人のようになりたいです。しかし、私は失敗します。なぜ私は普通ではないのですか？してください？..プリティください。 :(

ただ、一生に一度の人々が私を受け入れるときに、通常のように私を扱います。愛し、私を気に。あなたがADHDであるとき人生はたわごとです。そして、はい、私は私がどれもが今までこのたわごとを読まないことを知っているので、Googleが日本語に翻訳使用してメートル。彼らが行う場合、彼らは理解し、それを気にしないでください。彼らはなぜでしょうか？

..
さて、主に私は私が後でこれを読むことができないので、自分からこのテキストを非表示にしています。あるかのように私は再びそれを読むことができませんでした。また私が書いたものを覚えています。それが役立つだろうとして痛みが離れて行きます。

bugs and birds

Hi again. Yes, I m now 21 years old.. but somehow I don't feel one bit smarter or older. Maybe it is a good thing. Maybe it is a bad.
..
Well what is a bad thing that this morning I got bitten by tick. Somehow this little bug had sneaked inside our house because it wasn't anywhere near me when I got to bed last night. Only appeared this morning while I was eating.

I have removed several big ones from our pets but never was targeted myself before.  Man I can tell you it's bite hurts. A LOT: Its like asset poured on your hand at the spot where they bite. Yes, they are small but still hurts. And makes me wanna scratch my hand till it bleeds. *A bad thing*..?

As if normal small Finnish mosqitos weren't eating me alive yesterday. D:


Well since I made my boyfriend buy me Pokewalker I should use it. But how to use it when getting fobia even in side..?

Well world is weirdo place. Maybe I chill down and take it easy later on. But now I'm bit panic. Yes, I went to see nurse on local hospital and she was like "Well don't worryy. If it starts making red and white sircles around ur wound then worry and come back."

I was like okaaay. O:_O

And now I'm like stalking my hand waiting something bad to happen.. I think I'm being bit paranoid, and a lot over reacting.. But then why when I don't react people come to tell me later I should have reacted and gone to see doctor. Like when last week they found out my ears and inner cheeck were infected by the flu. Nice work people.
---...---

Well lets see how this goes. I'll be writing for you more if something more interesting happens.
At the moment I'm at work, Rattata on my pocket. *grins*

Called him Throttle and nyaa... *kelws kawaii nyan aws nyan nyan* ^^¨

Yes, I know most of the people hate Rattata. I know they appear from everywhere and be annoying. But if you ever played ORIGINAL Gold or Silver ( I have them both for Gameboy color) you'll know that the really annoying shit face there who stalks and attacks your with your every step on grass is one called "Hoothoot".
 

  

(Images are from Google.)
And yes, so if you think that for 14 - +20 years old you have rage problems while encountering couple rats be my guest and try original Gold at nighttime. Hehehhee. Only thing you get is that annoying "Wroollolrwroolol rwrool" sound and Hoothoot appearing.

Could swear he actually says "Trolled here I come again bitch!"
-_-

Just in case

And for some reason I'm kinda scared if GSM admins still stalk my blog. Well if you guys do I wanna say "Hi Pia! What's up? Why not getting new hobbie and be honest for kids for a change?"
..
Like no more lying about paying back money for Gosupermodel.fi if site goes down since you aren't going to pay it back. Or so it says on your user agreement page.

But the other hand ur "info about superpass" page claims you will pay back? So wich one is true?
::
But ya. 79% change I'm just imagining things and being paranoid and scared of nothing. But if you guys DO stalk me (I know they stalked me when I had model on the site) plz go and take cold shower and thing up two words. "Honesty" and getting "a new hobby".

Thats all I had for ya folks.

Hurry up get better plz

So I'm atm basicly doing work atm andd counting minutes I can go back to home to sleep the end of my fever away.
..
Well I that should go easy. I just hope I don't pass out. I was supposed to be heatlhy for weekend when I'm going to see family. my granfather and my auntie and my cousin. I have missed them so much. But its damn bad if I can't go near then or hug them. So I wait for this flu to miraciously to go away. Ya, I have antiobiotes. But for so long not looking so good. :(

Also its going to be my birthday at sat. 21. Can you imagine me turning 21 years old and being grown up? Ya. I don't suppose that happens.

Let's play

Let's do small testing with tags. :) If we could get the big fish.

me and the damn flu

Hai there again. Long time no see. Okay well.. It happened again. That damn flu and infection on my throat and ears that strikes me down every single summer.. Always when one is supposed to enjoy the fresh air and go to the beach and run wildy on forest etc. and do all fun stuff I'm forced to take it easy and sleep in bed eating like 5 different pills twice per day. Its damn annoying.

Up to this point none of the doctors can't tell me why every single flu in the universe (okay at least from the people who are in same room with me for like ten seconds) strikes me and for all of people around me I'm only one who is forced to take it easy.

I mean it. "Normal flu" that takes like day to recover for everyone else takes like 1-2 weeks minimal to me to recover. I feel like I'm so done with this stuff. I wanna go out and see friends but nope. I'm told by doctor to sleep and try get the damn fever down. Yes, I had 6 days of duty from work because of this and now I'm back at work. Still feeling bit off.

But I just can't figure out what triggers it..? Why me? Always every single summer? Also getting one during autumn also. 

Ya ya. Pepople tell me to go out and work for my body's ability to resist sickness. But how you resist it when all times you get beamed with flu first time someone sneezes towards you. And for most of the times you don't even need anyone to sneeze at you. Just someone with flu just sits in same room (different ends of the room) is enough to get me infected with it.

As a kid I was tested for all kind of allergies and they found none. Now I would not count on it. But its not allergy. Always when I go see doctor I got BAD infection on my inner ears and my inner cheeck chambers are filled with snot and also badly infected. .. What ...? What do I do wrong? Ya, I'm supposed to flush it daily with hot water and ocean salt. But I don't wanna. It hurts a lot. And last time I did it or tried to do it I felt just so much pain. It just hurted so damn much and I could not see it helping one thing to get my nose burn while  my throat and ears were already burning with pain.. Or my head was. Not my ears.

Funny thing. When ever I get infection in my ear only things I notice is "the pressure" inside my head and I feel bit drowsy and sleepy. Also I feel like I'm more angry to people. But no pain inside my ears. None unless I stick something inside them. Like Medicine. Then it hurts a lot. But other than that I just don't feel the pain there. I think its main reason why I never detect it in time.

I've heard other people that during infection inside inner ear they have pain. I just feel odd on my head. Maybe it is because I got so many of these that my head actually become numb for the pain.- 

---
But ya. I think I'm done with this flu and I hate it, but for my bad I feel that IT loves me and always comes back. I had a boy like that in confirmation camp. And he was annoying! Stalked me and wanted me to date him.

#OnlyRabbitProbemos

I was just thinking that I love streaming and being social as long I have quick escape route clear in case things get rough. Like pause stream button or shutting down the computer.
ehehhe.

But still I for most of the time I'm home also my parents are and they watch tv with full volume and kill my ears. Also they make me walk dogs 30mins x 3 per day. Also they wanna me do all random chores they can think of.

So basilcy no time to edit, or no peace and quiet to stream stuff.. Or when I finally have I'm so damn tired I just wanna sleep.

But I have to admit I would love to live like Pewdiepie. I mean not needing to go work but work from home and product media for other people. And being social from home. But ya. No such luck.

First of I would need to buy my own house and then my own food. And have money for bills. That requests of looots of money.  So I would need to get good job first, but then again I wanna work online and do stuff online. But then again I need money for it, but I kinda don't get any money before I do it.

Life is hard broskies. Try live with it.

Maybe I'll figure out something. Ya, I know. Its not like I would be able to live just with my blog's adds. While none actually ever sees them because everyone uses addblock. I also use it on youtube sometimesh.. Heheh. So I don't blame you.

And just in case you wanna know more of my problemos you can follow me twitter and Tumblr.

And speaking of Tumblr I did whole rework with my theme. Also made own account for Räävis, so I could keep Räävis directed stuff better organized and so you bros would have change to send him fanmail. Yes. I know you want to spam Räävis with fanmail.

His address is the same:
angstingmouse.tumblr.com/

Meh

Yay! New week has begun. But I feel weird. Yesterday I had fricking weird headache and today I notice that I see everything bit blurry and feel tired. And feel like my nose is stuck with slime.. again. I don't know if I'm starting to get some illness again. I hope not. Because I 'm too tired for it.

Well I tried washing my eyes at work and they feel sore. But I try     work normal today. Maybe I'm just too tired for somereason. It was quite much sunligth last night.. so I dunno. But if this continiues I dunno what to do. Yap. I got it from my mom that I always think I'm okay until I'm half dead.  But other than feeling damn sleepy and my eyes are sore I feel competely normal and okay.

..
so I think I m okay. Well lets see tomorrow. I just felt like writing about this. And yes, while being at work I notice myself starting to be more me again. Or at least I haven't felt lately that I would have personal me changing within me. Or I feel I think of the times same way all the time. My feelings haven't changed as it was different me for a week. I dunno if its a good thing or a bad one.

But yah. See ya. :)
-Varjokani

So much hate

So the clear thing as mud is the fact that the weather hates me. When I decide to dress up warmly its hot and I'm dying. Then If I leave my fave hoodie home I freeze. This isn't just working. And I'm getting to the point I end up being really annoyed by it.

Why even I read and check weather reports I still get into trouble.

I'm drawing again.. lol

Oh man  I dont wanna do work. All I wanna do is do linearts for this. T_T