Wednesday, June 5, 2019
► Rocket | Centuries (4k SUBS!)
I might or might have slight addiction re-watching these amvs when in reality I should just be a smart girl and go to sleep for be active for tomorrows meeting with some people who should help me to find a job. So far they have just been pushing me to the next person and competely ignoring me needing actual help.
I somehow really don't wanna go there. Because I know that I'm just gonna dissapoint on people not helping me out. I know they just wanna make sure that I'm alive so they can go ask the next person if they are alive and keep pushing people around to the next person instead of helping me to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
Yes, I know I should decide what I want to do with my life, but the thing is that with adhd it is actually really hard to decide stuff like this. At least I've read that I'm not only one with this kind of problems.
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Also just bit out of the topic I have one question for you readers? Do you want to be able to read more than one post from the main page? Or do you like it the way it is now that you can see just one post and you will have to click the history-tab for more?
Yay! I got Pocahontas soundtrack - stuff from my childhood's wishlist
Today was really hot day. Literally.
I agreed to go to the nearby beach for coffee with mom. I myself just took some french fries and Pepsi because I can't drink coffee unless I want to kiss the last change to get any sleep good bye for evening. Its already really hard for me to get a sleep during the brightness that keeps tricking my brains into thinking that its mid day even its midnight.
The doctor called me at the morning to tell me that everything seems to be fine. I was not expetting the call till at later at the evening so I was completely off guard when I noticed that my phone rang around 9AM. Actually I was still napping and sleeping. And again at least according to my Microsoft Band I did wake up 13 times during last night. I dunno what is normal reading there because I don't remember being awake. I do remember it being hard to me to fall a sleep. But appearently it does keep track between me sleeping or being awake quite well. I tried to push it to "sleep mode" while I was still awake on my bed and took it off after 30 mins when I was still awake and it did say I had been sleeping for 0 mins. I did watch couple youtube vids during the wait so at least it does somehow keep semi accurate track if I m awake or not.
However I went out with my mom and checked the local flee market sale for local church fund rising. I managed to get my hands into Official Finnish version of "Original movie soundtrack of Pocahontas on cd" and I was quite happy since I've wanted that thing since I was 4 years old. It was cheap as flarg so I gave them one euro instead of 0,50cent they were asking for it becaues I wanted to support the local church and I felt like I was robbing them because at least to me as soundtrack collector these things are valuable.
I also treated myself with bottle of hand "brewd" Strawberry juice for 6 euros from local farm. I'm gonna pretend I'm princess for today and treat myself with expensive juice and ice cream. And with some Disney music.
I've loved Disney music since I was a little kid. Specially music by Alan Menken always just manages to capture the mood and the theme of the movie so perfectly. Haters gonna hate but like if this does not give you chills there is something wrong with you:
I used to watch this ad ervetytime I watched the Finnish version of The Lion King and drool after it being like "I want that cd so bad." I was literaly 4 years old when I saw this and I've wanted this ever since.
I feel so hyped right now. Finally mine.
Yes I m aware that "Disney Pocahontas is not accureate enough and..." but the music is part of my childhood and I used to get so heavy vibes to a) watch the movie (never saw it as small child), and listen more of Alan menken.
But ya. I'm so happy right now. Sorry for shitty phone quality pic. I m way too busy to qloat about this joy inside my heart to dig out my Canon Camera set.
But funny how some things stay with you trough your life and you can remember them. Like how I still remember this advertisement from my childhood. I also remember there being "How we made Lion King the movie" thing after the Finnish VHS of the Lion King and me deciding that I wanna be an animator after watching it.
Also I m exited for the new Live action version of the Lion king but I m sure that they absolutely can't re-capture the magic of the original. Specially when even the advertisement before the original still give me this much of nostalgia kick!
The doctor called me at the morning to tell me that everything seems to be fine. I was not expetting the call till at later at the evening so I was completely off guard when I noticed that my phone rang around 9AM. Actually I was still napping and sleeping. And again at least according to my Microsoft Band I did wake up 13 times during last night. I dunno what is normal reading there because I don't remember being awake. I do remember it being hard to me to fall a sleep. But appearently it does keep track between me sleeping or being awake quite well. I tried to push it to "sleep mode" while I was still awake on my bed and took it off after 30 mins when I was still awake and it did say I had been sleeping for 0 mins. I did watch couple youtube vids during the wait so at least it does somehow keep semi accurate track if I m awake or not.
However I went out with my mom and checked the local flee market sale for local church fund rising. I managed to get my hands into Official Finnish version of "Original movie soundtrack of Pocahontas on cd" and I was quite happy since I've wanted that thing since I was 4 years old. It was cheap as flarg so I gave them one euro instead of 0,50cent they were asking for it becaues I wanted to support the local church and I felt like I was robbing them because at least to me as soundtrack collector these things are valuable.
I also treated myself with bottle of hand "brewd" Strawberry juice for 6 euros from local farm. I'm gonna pretend I'm princess for today and treat myself with expensive juice and ice cream. And with some Disney music.
I've loved Disney music since I was a little kid. Specially music by Alan Menken always just manages to capture the mood and the theme of the movie so perfectly. Haters gonna hate but like if this does not give you chills there is something wrong with you:
I used to watch this ad ervetytime I watched the Finnish version of The Lion King and drool after it being like "I want that cd so bad." I was literaly 4 years old when I saw this and I've wanted this ever since.
I feel so hyped right now. Finally mine.
Yes I m aware that "Disney Pocahontas is not accureate enough and..." but the music is part of my childhood and I used to get so heavy vibes to a) watch the movie (never saw it as small child), and listen more of Alan menken.
But ya. I'm so happy right now. Sorry for shitty phone quality pic. I m way too busy to qloat about this joy inside my heart to dig out my Canon Camera set.
But funny how some things stay with you trough your life and you can remember them. Like how I still remember this advertisement from my childhood. I also remember there being "How we made Lion King the movie" thing after the Finnish VHS of the Lion King and me deciding that I wanna be an animator after watching it.
Also I m exited for the new Live action version of the Lion king but I m sure that they absolutely can't re-capture the magic of the original. Specially when even the advertisement before the original still give me this much of nostalgia kick!
Tuesday, June 4, 2019
Work related stress
I've been reading about how one could get mega skinny and mega pretty by just skipping all the food and I've also read that if one is with out food for while it actually removes poison from ones body. I however m under heavy medication for both ADHD and depression. I've tried stopping eating but I find always myself eating like a cry baby and crying over everything if I dont eat anything during the day.
I also find myself really lazy considering taking a walk. I also have started to think if me staying unenergized to do anything has something to do with my depression medicines. Or witn my depression. like I told you earlier I often feel really lost and tired on everything. And mostly because of the problems caused by ADHD I'm having difficulties to start doing stuff. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I feel like its driving me slowly into either stress or panic attack.
I've been promised many times that "yes we will make an oppointment session for you with person x and person x will talk with you about what to do with your life." But then instead of even wanting to talk with me that person x is just sitting there and telling me that they are gonna book me time with someone else.
Its really irrating. All I want is someone stable and smart adult to talk with about stuff that is going on inside my head. And yes I'm going trough my last year of my therapy, and my therapeut has all hands down busy to help me understand myself with my ADHD and help me to realize who I'm. She only has time for me only once per week and because I'm such talktive lil shit I feel like I dont have enough time to pour her the half of the things troubling me when I meet her.
I'm starting to think that I might need +1h sessions multiple times during week to pour all out that is going on with my mind to get to somewhere. Mostly I'm worried that when my therapy ends will I be fixed by the time for it. Mostly because I ve been in therapy over 2 years now. Its my 3th year and its last one the state is helping me pay for. And its already expensive as flarg. I wont have the money to pay for it myself.
Also because I don't have a job I dont have the money to move closer to the city where I could have access to more buss stops and be able to move more freely to actually get into a job place early with out stressing my brains out on if there is gonna be buss coming back after 4pm. No there is not so I will have to ask someone to pick me up. Yay. such luxuries living in a country side. Its one of the reasons I feel like I dont even have the right to offer me for anyone as a worker because I will have to leave home so early from work. Then the other trouble is my lack of self esteem. I dont trust myself at all on anything. I feel like I m the worst person that anyone would hire. And I dont believe anyone would even wanna hire me. So I've been just sleeping all day long and thinking where to get better self esteem.
I feel so silly and stupid. Mostly because at this point I dont even know what I want to do as my work. I dont know enough of anything nor trust myself to be assistant over anything. That makes me really sad and really nervous. I do know that if I want to start working I will stop trying to self validate me from what other people think and if I'm good enough for people, because the truth is I will never be good enough for anyone else when I'm not good enough for myself at firtst. But then there is that I want to be the best right away, or else I feel like I've let myself and everybody else down. And I dont want to let anyone down.
Man I m such a mess.
I also find myself really lazy considering taking a walk. I also have started to think if me staying unenergized to do anything has something to do with my depression medicines. Or witn my depression. like I told you earlier I often feel really lost and tired on everything. And mostly because of the problems caused by ADHD I'm having difficulties to start doing stuff. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I feel like its driving me slowly into either stress or panic attack.
I've been promised many times that "yes we will make an oppointment session for you with person x and person x will talk with you about what to do with your life." But then instead of even wanting to talk with me that person x is just sitting there and telling me that they are gonna book me time with someone else.
Its really irrating. All I want is someone stable and smart adult to talk with about stuff that is going on inside my head. And yes I'm going trough my last year of my therapy, and my therapeut has all hands down busy to help me understand myself with my ADHD and help me to realize who I'm. She only has time for me only once per week and because I'm such talktive lil shit I feel like I dont have enough time to pour her the half of the things troubling me when I meet her.
I'm starting to think that I might need +1h sessions multiple times during week to pour all out that is going on with my mind to get to somewhere. Mostly I'm worried that when my therapy ends will I be fixed by the time for it. Mostly because I ve been in therapy over 2 years now. Its my 3th year and its last one the state is helping me pay for. And its already expensive as flarg. I wont have the money to pay for it myself.
Also because I don't have a job I dont have the money to move closer to the city where I could have access to more buss stops and be able to move more freely to actually get into a job place early with out stressing my brains out on if there is gonna be buss coming back after 4pm. No there is not so I will have to ask someone to pick me up. Yay. such luxuries living in a country side. Its one of the reasons I feel like I dont even have the right to offer me for anyone as a worker because I will have to leave home so early from work. Then the other trouble is my lack of self esteem. I dont trust myself at all on anything. I feel like I m the worst person that anyone would hire. And I dont believe anyone would even wanna hire me. So I've been just sleeping all day long and thinking where to get better self esteem.
I feel so silly and stupid. Mostly because at this point I dont even know what I want to do as my work. I dont know enough of anything nor trust myself to be assistant over anything. That makes me really sad and really nervous. I do know that if I want to start working I will stop trying to self validate me from what other people think and if I'm good enough for people, because the truth is I will never be good enough for anyone else when I'm not good enough for myself at firtst. But then there is that I want to be the best right away, or else I feel like I've let myself and everybody else down. And I dont want to let anyone down.
Man I m such a mess.
How did this happen - My sleep flinching - my health - Me just being stupid
Writers editoral toughts;
I was gonna make this a short post about what I had been doing but somehow I got carried away into hyper focus mode and it ended to be huge pile of text. I just noticed that I did not even mention what i found from flee market. Maybe I make an other post about it after publishing this. Lol.
Today I was at new laboratory tests and they took a blood sample test and somekind of heat rate chart. My doctor will call me tomorrow afternoon to tell me the end reasaults for it. All they said now was that my pulse was bit high. Yes I know it is. And I'm lowkey worried about it because it keeps changing a lot during the day. When I sleep and wake up its somewhat 67 but when I get up and walk to the toilet it can go up to 100 for a moment. Currently I'm just arrived back home from the fleemarket and just casually typing with my laptop and currently it was 97 for a while. I also notice that for some reason I keep pausing my breath to keep myself more calm. I do it with out thinking, but I know I usually do it when I m hyper focusing on stuff, like I m now hyper focusing on typing this text. Now my heartbeat seems to be around 75. I dunno how accurate it is because I m using Microsoft Band to measure it from my left wrist. Sometimes when I try to "breath normally" and slowly like normal person I get bit pain in my upper chest and I m thinking that maybe indeed there is something wrong with my heart also.
But because I already have something wrong with my brains because ADHD I really don't know if worrying about stuff makes me feel any better. All I know that ADHD has something to do how the information runs trough my brain. And when I mentioned about my ADHD to the person taking the blood test she was like "Oh okay then we are gonna take the heart rate film about the areas where heart is active and stuff also." It was really quick test and I don't know if I should be worried or not.
I m already stressing way too much about the fact that I currently don't have a job or any idea about even what do I wanna do with my life. Thinking about it makes me feel anxious and stressed, and I try to avoid any kind of stress because I'm that kind of person whom usually stresses with their stomac. Like if I stress I might get ill just because of the stress. My body reactions to all kind of stress is really strong. And I think it also causes me somekind of state of panic attack or melt down. When I m scared or stressed about something I can't think clearly. I just kinda freeze and keep over analyzing stuff inside my brains until I get tired about it and fall a sleep.
I know I have some issues to deal with this bad habit of over analyzing stuff and always being fearing for the worst. I tend to always assume the worst of everything. I always assume that a) everyone hates me, b) everyone thinks I'm stupid c) Everyone wants to harm me in some way.
I know its silly, but it some kind of backtrack of a trauma from me being bullied and harmed in my past. Also after reading some text about psycology of the early childhood I've learned that also the fact that my mom left me to the hospital after giving a birth and the nurses always changing on the hosiptal and the orphanage gave me somekin of trauma and somekind of habit to always assume that no one is not gonna stay with me. I somehow lost my trust with people during that situation. I was almost never held or talked to until I was adopted to Finland as one years old and appearently that is one reason why I was terrified of my parents going anywhere with out me as a child. And still as an adult I prefer to know what people are doing and if I can reach to them when if I need help.
Also this might be why I'm so much having trust issues with everyone around me. Exept the people I've gotten to know. The people I consider part of my extended family.
But like if I meet a stranger I still think that they hate me automaticly. I've been trying to train myself away from this. And I think I've been doing great job. Today I have courage to talk to the staff on stores and in libraries when I need help.
But like on personal level I notice I'm still really suspecting that during the first hint the other people looks me in certain way I feel terrified and I'm absolutely sure that they hate me and want to get rid of me.
I still notice that I need to learn that I don't need other peoples approval to exist or be alive. I'm still uncontionally looking for other people's approval even I know that this kind of life is both really rough and really bad on me.
Also I've noticed that when I used to think I'm the most easiest person to get along with I might not be so easy person that I always tough myself to be. Here is something that I also wanna train myseslf to and learn to be better as a person. I want to be the kind of person that people enjoy spending time with and hanging out with. And a person that others like. But then I also want to learn not to fully relay on the fact that others need me. Because the fact is that in reality I'm just rabbit brained girl from Finland with no boyfriend. I'm not vital to anyones life and I should stop looking the reason to live from other peoples. I should find it within my own self. Same goes with the courage to try new things and meet new people.
Maybe partially because my phobias and partially because of my ADHD, I find starting things to be the most hard part. Yes, once I start doing something there is nothing to stop me. But the first step takes me for ever. Whatever it was to clean the house or try to find a job.
I think I should have been able to send like 10 applications for the new job by now but I just dont know who to send it to. Like I dont trust my own skills enough to believe that anyone would actually want me. And then there is that I m not even sure what I want myself. Okay I do know what I want.
I want to write stuff like this and talk with people online and watch youtube vids and play video games, but as far as I'm considering no one is willing to pay me for this so yeah. I kinda feel stuck.
And yes I love to draw but I'm not so sure if I'm so good at that either. I feel really unsecure about me doing anything. My worst fear on working on somebody else is letting them down.
I learned that at the late Game Jam I was working with a month back. I'm terrified of making simple mistake and making people pissed of because of it. And I'm terrified to not to be good enough for other people.
To me it tells that I still use other people to measure the worth of my life. I still care about what other people think about me. Only escape mechanism I have for that is to snap into full Rocket Raccoon mode and not care about anything or anyone. But I also know how destructive tha is towards other people and myself included. I don't want to hurt anyone, or anything. I want everything to be fine for everyone. Me included. And when its not I freeze and panic and feel like there is not anything I can do besides of crying. And the worst part there is that because me slashing to Rocket Raccoon mode I cant even cry. I feel burning in my chest and in my eyes but the tears just arent coming. I feell somekind of barrier being held up inside my head that is trying to stop me from breaking into billion pieces. And I myself think that the barrier is a bad thing. I myself think that if I was able to cry it out it would get easier. And my depression would be miraciously cured. But then again I've learned lately that in fact I know nothing about anything, my own state of mind included. I dont even know who I'm. All I know is that I'm hurt and unable to loosen my guard fully to anything. And same times I feel like I'm keeping all by guards down and taking the full hits.
I also feel like I was switching into someone else while still being me and remembering it all. Sometimes when I'm feeling stable myself I wanna be a mom to everything and keep everyone else safe. But when I lash into being tired I feel like I just wanna hurt everything around me by insulting them and telling how stupid they are. But like I've been hurt a lot myself so I dont really want to hurt anyone the way I was hurt in my childhood. I know how it turns people into almost literal monster being hurt too much. And I don't want anyone to suffer for it.
But same time there is this what happens when I get tired. I act like a rabid raccoon with out thinking anything but feeling good and getting this feel of being strong and surviving and winning. I myself feel bit scared of this. Like part of me wants to be a protector and friend people can trust. Other side of me just wants to lash all the anger inside me back to people around me.
To me all people are the creations of God and something I should not destroy or harm in any way. But still I end up being really childish and getting insulted by people I love and wanting to insult them back. And it scares me. I dont know why I want to do that. Sometimes I just feel like I'm a mess and I wanna hide from everyone so I would not hurt anything by accident.
But ya. I will know more about the test reasaults by tomorrow afternoon. I feel bit nervous. I hope I can still keep up living normaly at home and I dont need to go to the hospital because I'm the kind of person who gets all crying if there is not enough quiet and darkness to me to fall a sleep feeling secure.
I think this also might be something to do with my childhood but I like it when its quiet. If someone is talking in the next room when I'm trying to fall a sleep I cant fall a sleep because my brains keep up trying to follow the conversation even I told them not to. Maybe something to do with weird shadow people I used to see when I was a a toddler. Like I saw shapes of people walking around in my room and sitting down and thinking. I would hide from them under my planket till I fell a sleep. I dunno if it was my imagination during I had really strong orange night light at the corner of my room. But for some reason I m always at somekind of guard mode when I try to relax and get some sleep.
Now after I got this Microsoft Band I've also noticed that I tend to twitch/ or flicnh when I'm about to fall a sleep. And the twitching movement that my neck and shoulders do is usually enough to kick me back awake. I do it with out wanting to.
Appearently also when I sleep I switch back to being partially awake once per hour and if my Microsoft Band is not lying I keep awaking from 7-13 times during the night. Last night for me was really short because I stayed up watching Guardians of the Galaxy episodes and awoke early to get to my tests so I only awkoken 9 times while I got 6h34mins of sleep. And my sleep quality was at 89% during last night. Again. I m not sure if I should consider this to be normal or get worried for it. The switch/stroke/flinch thing has only happened be like 2 times on day time directing me into dropping something from my hands. Other than that i barely notice it. Unless I'm feeling sleepy and trying to stay awake. Then I usually notice it.
It seems to start from my upper back and ending to my neck. Its like fast short pulse that makes me tilt my head bit up and makes me straighten my sitting position when I sit. When I sleep it just twists my neck and my heap backwards like I was stretching my body.
But now when thinking about it, there was some mention on my medical papers when adopted me doing some weird head movement sometimes and trying to bend my head upward toward my neck.
Also fun bonus fact:
As a kid I did not how to think with out saying stuff outloud. I remember the time when I learned to do it. I was absolutely thrilled for thinking people around me stupid with out them getting mad at me. During the time I was somewhat 4-5 years old.
When writing my blog I still notice that this is actually still the best way to me think with out putting stuff into actual words. I dunno if writing stuff has actually any help for me but it makes me feel better and it makes me feel like I've done some self study and it helps me to understand myself better as a person when I write stuff down. And about sharing the stuff I write? I dunno. Maybe I just want other people to be able to read it so if they find something they can relate or disagree then maybe they can help me to understand myself even better. Besides I believe this text is way too long and boring to anyone actually ever read so I don't think if I put this stuff here as a public or not.
But if you are actually reading this, big thank you for caring enough or being bored enough to enjoy reading it trough till the end.
Edit:
Thanks to my friend who read this blog pointing out that appearently this thing is actually quite common:
Why Do People 'Twitch' When Falling Asleep?
I was gonna make this a short post about what I had been doing but somehow I got carried away into hyper focus mode and it ended to be huge pile of text. I just noticed that I did not even mention what i found from flee market. Maybe I make an other post about it after publishing this. Lol.
Today I was at new laboratory tests and they took a blood sample test and somekind of heat rate chart. My doctor will call me tomorrow afternoon to tell me the end reasaults for it. All they said now was that my pulse was bit high. Yes I know it is. And I'm lowkey worried about it because it keeps changing a lot during the day. When I sleep and wake up its somewhat 67 but when I get up and walk to the toilet it can go up to 100 for a moment. Currently I'm just arrived back home from the fleemarket and just casually typing with my laptop and currently it was 97 for a while. I also notice that for some reason I keep pausing my breath to keep myself more calm. I do it with out thinking, but I know I usually do it when I m hyper focusing on stuff, like I m now hyper focusing on typing this text. Now my heartbeat seems to be around 75. I dunno how accurate it is because I m using Microsoft Band to measure it from my left wrist. Sometimes when I try to "breath normally" and slowly like normal person I get bit pain in my upper chest and I m thinking that maybe indeed there is something wrong with my heart also.
But because I already have something wrong with my brains because ADHD I really don't know if worrying about stuff makes me feel any better. All I know that ADHD has something to do how the information runs trough my brain. And when I mentioned about my ADHD to the person taking the blood test she was like "Oh okay then we are gonna take the heart rate film about the areas where heart is active and stuff also." It was really quick test and I don't know if I should be worried or not.
I m already stressing way too much about the fact that I currently don't have a job or any idea about even what do I wanna do with my life. Thinking about it makes me feel anxious and stressed, and I try to avoid any kind of stress because I'm that kind of person whom usually stresses with their stomac. Like if I stress I might get ill just because of the stress. My body reactions to all kind of stress is really strong. And I think it also causes me somekind of state of panic attack or melt down. When I m scared or stressed about something I can't think clearly. I just kinda freeze and keep over analyzing stuff inside my brains until I get tired about it and fall a sleep.
I know I have some issues to deal with this bad habit of over analyzing stuff and always being fearing for the worst. I tend to always assume the worst of everything. I always assume that a) everyone hates me, b) everyone thinks I'm stupid c) Everyone wants to harm me in some way.
I know its silly, but it some kind of backtrack of a trauma from me being bullied and harmed in my past. Also after reading some text about psycology of the early childhood I've learned that also the fact that my mom left me to the hospital after giving a birth and the nurses always changing on the hosiptal and the orphanage gave me somekin of trauma and somekind of habit to always assume that no one is not gonna stay with me. I somehow lost my trust with people during that situation. I was almost never held or talked to until I was adopted to Finland as one years old and appearently that is one reason why I was terrified of my parents going anywhere with out me as a child. And still as an adult I prefer to know what people are doing and if I can reach to them when if I need help.
Also this might be why I'm so much having trust issues with everyone around me. Exept the people I've gotten to know. The people I consider part of my extended family.
But like if I meet a stranger I still think that they hate me automaticly. I've been trying to train myself away from this. And I think I've been doing great job. Today I have courage to talk to the staff on stores and in libraries when I need help.
But like on personal level I notice I'm still really suspecting that during the first hint the other people looks me in certain way I feel terrified and I'm absolutely sure that they hate me and want to get rid of me.
I still notice that I need to learn that I don't need other peoples approval to exist or be alive. I'm still uncontionally looking for other people's approval even I know that this kind of life is both really rough and really bad on me.
Also I've noticed that when I used to think I'm the most easiest person to get along with I might not be so easy person that I always tough myself to be. Here is something that I also wanna train myseslf to and learn to be better as a person. I want to be the kind of person that people enjoy spending time with and hanging out with. And a person that others like. But then I also want to learn not to fully relay on the fact that others need me. Because the fact is that in reality I'm just rabbit brained girl from Finland with no boyfriend. I'm not vital to anyones life and I should stop looking the reason to live from other peoples. I should find it within my own self. Same goes with the courage to try new things and meet new people.
Maybe partially because my phobias and partially because of my ADHD, I find starting things to be the most hard part. Yes, once I start doing something there is nothing to stop me. But the first step takes me for ever. Whatever it was to clean the house or try to find a job.
I think I should have been able to send like 10 applications for the new job by now but I just dont know who to send it to. Like I dont trust my own skills enough to believe that anyone would actually want me. And then there is that I m not even sure what I want myself. Okay I do know what I want.
I want to write stuff like this and talk with people online and watch youtube vids and play video games, but as far as I'm considering no one is willing to pay me for this so yeah. I kinda feel stuck.
And yes I love to draw but I'm not so sure if I'm so good at that either. I feel really unsecure about me doing anything. My worst fear on working on somebody else is letting them down.
I learned that at the late Game Jam I was working with a month back. I'm terrified of making simple mistake and making people pissed of because of it. And I'm terrified to not to be good enough for other people.
To me it tells that I still use other people to measure the worth of my life. I still care about what other people think about me. Only escape mechanism I have for that is to snap into full Rocket Raccoon mode and not care about anything or anyone. But I also know how destructive tha is towards other people and myself included. I don't want to hurt anyone, or anything. I want everything to be fine for everyone. Me included. And when its not I freeze and panic and feel like there is not anything I can do besides of crying. And the worst part there is that because me slashing to Rocket Raccoon mode I cant even cry. I feel burning in my chest and in my eyes but the tears just arent coming. I feell somekind of barrier being held up inside my head that is trying to stop me from breaking into billion pieces. And I myself think that the barrier is a bad thing. I myself think that if I was able to cry it out it would get easier. And my depression would be miraciously cured. But then again I've learned lately that in fact I know nothing about anything, my own state of mind included. I dont even know who I'm. All I know is that I'm hurt and unable to loosen my guard fully to anything. And same times I feel like I'm keeping all by guards down and taking the full hits.
I also feel like I was switching into someone else while still being me and remembering it all. Sometimes when I'm feeling stable myself I wanna be a mom to everything and keep everyone else safe. But when I lash into being tired I feel like I just wanna hurt everything around me by insulting them and telling how stupid they are. But like I've been hurt a lot myself so I dont really want to hurt anyone the way I was hurt in my childhood. I know how it turns people into almost literal monster being hurt too much. And I don't want anyone to suffer for it.
But same time there is this what happens when I get tired. I act like a rabid raccoon with out thinking anything but feeling good and getting this feel of being strong and surviving and winning. I myself feel bit scared of this. Like part of me wants to be a protector and friend people can trust. Other side of me just wants to lash all the anger inside me back to people around me.
To me all people are the creations of God and something I should not destroy or harm in any way. But still I end up being really childish and getting insulted by people I love and wanting to insult them back. And it scares me. I dont know why I want to do that. Sometimes I just feel like I'm a mess and I wanna hide from everyone so I would not hurt anything by accident.
But ya. I will know more about the test reasaults by tomorrow afternoon. I feel bit nervous. I hope I can still keep up living normaly at home and I dont need to go to the hospital because I'm the kind of person who gets all crying if there is not enough quiet and darkness to me to fall a sleep feeling secure.
I think this also might be something to do with my childhood but I like it when its quiet. If someone is talking in the next room when I'm trying to fall a sleep I cant fall a sleep because my brains keep up trying to follow the conversation even I told them not to. Maybe something to do with weird shadow people I used to see when I was a a toddler. Like I saw shapes of people walking around in my room and sitting down and thinking. I would hide from them under my planket till I fell a sleep. I dunno if it was my imagination during I had really strong orange night light at the corner of my room. But for some reason I m always at somekind of guard mode when I try to relax and get some sleep.
Now after I got this Microsoft Band I've also noticed that I tend to twitch/ or flicnh when I'm about to fall a sleep. And the twitching movement that my neck and shoulders do is usually enough to kick me back awake. I do it with out wanting to.
Appearently also when I sleep I switch back to being partially awake once per hour and if my Microsoft Band is not lying I keep awaking from 7-13 times during the night. Last night for me was really short because I stayed up watching Guardians of the Galaxy episodes and awoke early to get to my tests so I only awkoken 9 times while I got 6h34mins of sleep. And my sleep quality was at 89% during last night. Again. I m not sure if I should consider this to be normal or get worried for it. The switch/stroke/flinch thing has only happened be like 2 times on day time directing me into dropping something from my hands. Other than that i barely notice it. Unless I'm feeling sleepy and trying to stay awake. Then I usually notice it.
It seems to start from my upper back and ending to my neck. Its like fast short pulse that makes me tilt my head bit up and makes me straighten my sitting position when I sit. When I sleep it just twists my neck and my heap backwards like I was stretching my body.
But now when thinking about it, there was some mention on my medical papers when adopted me doing some weird head movement sometimes and trying to bend my head upward toward my neck.
Also fun bonus fact:
As a kid I did not how to think with out saying stuff outloud. I remember the time when I learned to do it. I was absolutely thrilled for thinking people around me stupid with out them getting mad at me. During the time I was somewhat 4-5 years old.
When writing my blog I still notice that this is actually still the best way to me think with out putting stuff into actual words. I dunno if writing stuff has actually any help for me but it makes me feel better and it makes me feel like I've done some self study and it helps me to understand myself better as a person when I write stuff down. And about sharing the stuff I write? I dunno. Maybe I just want other people to be able to read it so if they find something they can relate or disagree then maybe they can help me to understand myself even better. Besides I believe this text is way too long and boring to anyone actually ever read so I don't think if I put this stuff here as a public or not.
But if you are actually reading this, big thank you for caring enough or being bored enough to enjoy reading it trough till the end.
Edit:
Thanks to my friend who read this blog pointing out that appearently this thing is actually quite common:
Why Do People 'Twitch' When Falling Asleep?
Monday, June 3, 2019
Lyhyt GNG musiikkisessio
Sorry this is Finnish only but here is quick show off about how to play Ginga nagareboshi melodies with piano.
Hello my dear diary
Appearently this is one of these days when nothing works. Because I could not find my Protool SE install disc I went to Avid's web page and downloadedd Pro Tools First. Appearently it does not support my M-audio KeyStudio. I tried to install some drivers for it and it only made my computer crash while I tried to restart the laptop.
Yes it plays like 4 keys of music and then it lags and keeps the latest key pressed for a while. Then it does not react to any keys pressed for 15 seconds. Ya. I m not able to make music with that. Or at least I feel too lazy for it. I might hook my old syntethisator to it tough and try with it instead lol.
But I still wish I knew where did I put my install discs. I did register myself to Avid sites old days when I got the stuff, but it seems that they have changed servers at least once and they dont remember me anymore. Damn. At the moment I feel like crying and going to hide in bed for rest of the day because I feel this stress being too much for me.
Also this is that time of the month again anyways so maybe I should just quit trying to do anything productive for today and just sleep this day trough.
I'm also thinking to maybe join at some an other game jam project in the future, but I think I need to practice pixel art under stress before I can go show my face there again.
Also I'm gonna go take my Thyroid test reasault tomorrow morning. I could not take them earlier because our car was not in use and I would have to go to the laboratories at early morning. The laboratories are gonna open up tomorrow at 8 am and I was planning to go there by early morning.
I'm not all scared of it. I find it mildy annoying that I will have to go anywhere during my perioids. I wanna just stay in home and hug Pocky.
The thing I m terrified is the an other test that they are gonna re-try to take from me. I'm literally not so keen on feeling horrible amount of pain and Im begging they will put me under some kind of medication before taking it. I dont think any normal person likes the feeling of being stabbed in their private areas. But appearently some actually do. Humans are crazy.
Well if you ask me today I think everyone is crazy and I wanna just scream and yell and cry and eat all the ice cream there is.. Just because I did not figure out how to make one computer program work.
well the editor works just fine. Its just that my KeyStudio is not working with it. I wanna yell and kick something. But then again I feel enough pain because of my perioids so I m just gonna sit here on my laptop and write shit to my blog about it all.
Yes it plays like 4 keys of music and then it lags and keeps the latest key pressed for a while. Then it does not react to any keys pressed for 15 seconds. Ya. I m not able to make music with that. Or at least I feel too lazy for it. I might hook my old syntethisator to it tough and try with it instead lol.
But I still wish I knew where did I put my install discs. I did register myself to Avid sites old days when I got the stuff, but it seems that they have changed servers at least once and they dont remember me anymore. Damn. At the moment I feel like crying and going to hide in bed for rest of the day because I feel this stress being too much for me.
Also this is that time of the month again anyways so maybe I should just quit trying to do anything productive for today and just sleep this day trough.
I'm also thinking to maybe join at some an other game jam project in the future, but I think I need to practice pixel art under stress before I can go show my face there again.
Also I'm gonna go take my Thyroid test reasault tomorrow morning. I could not take them earlier because our car was not in use and I would have to go to the laboratories at early morning. The laboratories are gonna open up tomorrow at 8 am and I was planning to go there by early morning.
I'm not all scared of it. I find it mildy annoying that I will have to go anywhere during my perioids. I wanna just stay in home and hug Pocky.
The thing I m terrified is the an other test that they are gonna re-try to take from me. I'm literally not so keen on feeling horrible amount of pain and Im begging they will put me under some kind of medication before taking it. I dont think any normal person likes the feeling of being stabbed in their private areas. But appearently some actually do. Humans are crazy.
Well if you ask me today I think everyone is crazy and I wanna just scream and yell and cry and eat all the ice cream there is.. Just because I did not figure out how to make one computer program work.
well the editor works just fine. Its just that my KeyStudio is not working with it. I wanna yell and kick something. But then again I feel enough pain because of my perioids so I m just gonna sit here on my laptop and write shit to my blog about it all.
Sunday, June 2, 2019
Rocket Raccoon Tribute - So What?
This song and this vid are so my current mood towards everything and everyone. Rocket Raccoon is my fave Marvel charachter and I can relate to him on so many levels and there is a really good reason behind it.
Lyrics:
So what if I'm crazier than crazy?
So what if I'm sicker than sick?
So what if I'm out of control?
Maybe that's what I like about it
So what if I'm sicker than sick?
So what if I'm out of control?
Maybe that's what I like about it
You can say that I'm going insane
And I'm not quite right
And that I'm to blame
You can say that I'm sick on the inside
Bet you don't know I like it that way
You can say whatever you like
If it's so wrong I don't wanna be right!
And I'm not quite right
And that I'm to blame
You can say that I'm sick on the inside
Bet you don't know I like it that way
You can say whatever you like
If it's so wrong I don't wanna be right!
So what if I'm crazier than crazy?
So what if I'm sicker than sick?
So what if I'm out of control?
Maybe that's what I like about it
So what?
So what?
So what if I'm sicker than sick?
So what if I'm out of control?
Maybe that's what I like about it
So what?
So what?
You can say that I'm going insane
And I'm not quite right
And that I'm to blame
I don't care you can say what you want to
I am who I am and I'll never be like you
You can say whatever you like
If it's so wrong I don't wanna be right!
And I'm not quite right
And that I'm to blame
I don't care you can say what you want to
I am who I am and I'll never be like you
You can say whatever you like
If it's so wrong I don't wanna be right!
So what if I'm crazier than crazy?
So what if I'm sicker than sick?
So what if I'm out of control?
Maybe that's what I like about it
So what?
So what?
So what if I'm sicker than sick?
So what if I'm out of control?
Maybe that's what I like about it
So what?
So what?
Yamaha Portasound Voice Bank PSS-270
I managed to connect my old Yamaha Portasound Voice Bank PSS-270 Keyboard to the charger of the old firewall system so I can play with it. Its old mini-keyboard with 100 different sounds and couple options for automatic beats on the background.
I used to play with it since I was 4 years old and I've dropped it many times. As a child I used to use it with flashlight batteries. This bad boy takes 6 old flashlight batteries to run for over half a month but since I did not have batteries in my hand I borrowed old power cable from my dad's study room.
I connected to my laptop's mic port to be able to listen the music myself with out alarming the whole house while playing along with old school anime themes. I think I still almost remember how to play anime themes. I did promise a week back to someone that I would give it a try and try to record stuff to youtube. I still think I might wanna keep practicing.
I did let one of my friends, Rekti to listen while I played and since he was still alive to talk about Ginga Densetsu Noah rumours with me over video chat I think I did at least okay. I mean I did not kill him with my horrible playing. It is a good sign. Now I think I could go get myself some chicken burritos and then maybe train playing with the keyboard some more and then maybe play some video games. Yes I haven't been playing with this thing in a while and since its so much smaller than the regular piano or even the regular syntethisator it takes some getting to use to it.
The keyboard is baby sitzed and is small as 1M measuring sticks that I saw last time at the first grade of school.
Here is Youtube review that I found about the keyboard:
Like you can see its really tiny. But this bad boy is really durable. I've dropped mine from the table direcly to the cold stone floor multiple times and it still works.
Only down side is while using the normal microphone audio jack to capture the audio the audio can sound bit like its too loud and broken. I take it I used to play it really loud as a kid from its own speakers.
But ya. Now its time for me for the burritos and then I will go back to training.
I used to play with it since I was 4 years old and I've dropped it many times. As a child I used to use it with flashlight batteries. This bad boy takes 6 old flashlight batteries to run for over half a month but since I did not have batteries in my hand I borrowed old power cable from my dad's study room.
I connected to my laptop's mic port to be able to listen the music myself with out alarming the whole house while playing along with old school anime themes. I think I still almost remember how to play anime themes. I did promise a week back to someone that I would give it a try and try to record stuff to youtube. I still think I might wanna keep practicing.
I did let one of my friends, Rekti to listen while I played and since he was still alive to talk about Ginga Densetsu Noah rumours with me over video chat I think I did at least okay. I mean I did not kill him with my horrible playing. It is a good sign. Now I think I could go get myself some chicken burritos and then maybe train playing with the keyboard some more and then maybe play some video games. Yes I haven't been playing with this thing in a while and since its so much smaller than the regular piano or even the regular syntethisator it takes some getting to use to it.
The keyboard is baby sitzed and is small as 1M measuring sticks that I saw last time at the first grade of school.
Here is Youtube review that I found about the keyboard:
Like you can see its really tiny. But this bad boy is really durable. I've dropped mine from the table direcly to the cold stone floor multiple times and it still works.
Only down side is while using the normal microphone audio jack to capture the audio the audio can sound bit like its too loud and broken. I take it I used to play it really loud as a kid from its own speakers.
But ya. Now its time for me for the burritos and then I will go back to training.
Saturday, June 1, 2019
What if..
I almost should apologize for stupid ideas but naah.
But like what if Ginga Densetsu Noah was somewhat of mentaly limited and needed other dogs for support. Or maybe if he was half deaf or full deaf and he would need to rely his other senses to survive.
I kinda like it when charachters aren't too perfect and have their skill set limitations and they learn to boost their other skills still to cope with life. I kinda wanna see gng dog that has normal dog skills and not too over powered charachter. Then he will learn use his other skills when he has no super streght or super speed.
But then again it would not be GNG-series with out hyper over powered super dogs that can do anything alone. I kinda hope that Noah is small somewhat handicapped pup that is not perfect in any way but he still manages to be a good leader and nice character.
I kinda wanna see something different.
And now after the worst adhd energy gone from my own body I m not even sure what I want anymore. But just a tough of simple and weak dog learning to take ropes after super dogs like Gin and Weed would be such fun to watch.
But like what if Ginga Densetsu Noah was somewhat of mentaly limited and needed other dogs for support. Or maybe if he was half deaf or full deaf and he would need to rely his other senses to survive.
I kinda like it when charachters aren't too perfect and have their skill set limitations and they learn to boost their other skills still to cope with life. I kinda wanna see gng dog that has normal dog skills and not too over powered charachter. Then he will learn use his other skills when he has no super streght or super speed.
But then again it would not be GNG-series with out hyper over powered super dogs that can do anything alone. I kinda hope that Noah is small somewhat handicapped pup that is not perfect in any way but he still manages to be a good leader and nice character.
I kinda wanna see something different.
And now after the worst adhd energy gone from my own body I m not even sure what I want anymore. But just a tough of simple and weak dog learning to take ropes after super dogs like Gin and Weed would be such fun to watch.
Blackouts inside my head during the hyperactivity
This morning was really interesting considering my ADHD. I have been trying to walk and jog/fastwalk daily at least 2 km per day as those of you who have been reading this blog know.
When I woke up this morning I felt really energized, and really like I needed to do something. I noticed myself constantly wanting to talk or do something. I haven't been feeling so clear signs of hyper activity lately myself so this was bit scary even for me.
My parents ofcourse "love" when I go all hyper active from the morning.
I dunno if me doing +2km fast walking session for 30 min today did me any good. I feel so hyper active.
Also when I was walking back home I noticed I had small blackout. Or I dunno what to call it. Its when I m thinking something, either from some movie or something that happened to me I faze out and I m not unable to see anything around me.
It sometimes happen when I walk and I m kinda scared of it and I dont even know if its normal. Like I started to think about Bicer Mice and the new remake of the series, and then I was thinking of character called Hannibal Hairball. For while I couls just hear the characters voice in my head talking with Throttle about some lines I was thinking, and I could like see them in my mind. But for split second I could not see the real world around me. Or I think I did see it but it did not leave any memory trace inside my head and it felt scary.
I haven't had those space outs in walking in a while. I often have them in a shower and I cant literally remember if I have put conditioner or shampoo in my head during it. Now when I think about it it might be one reason why I m so terrified about driving a car. Like there I have to look both in front of me, and the sides and check the rear mirror once in 5 seconds and continiously focus on everything at once. I've driven with driving teacher around big cities like Järvenpää and Helsinki and Kerava. And he noted that I was able to drive for somewhat half an hour but then my focus would start slipping and if I would try keep driving I would end up crying and having minor panic attacks because feeling so exhausted. That is why I to this day havent had courage to go to the driving tests. I'm also terrified if I will just answer all the questions wrong. Or forget something. Mostly I m scared of me being in traffic when I could space out like that. All I know it has something to do with me being some level of tired.
Also I just read from this one book that discussed ADHD people that in fact my brains are lagging and slow. And when they are trying to boost my tough to the normal level I start acting hyper active. Its really interesting to know.
But like now I when I came back home from walking I felt like my brains were so much full of energy that I just had to use it somewhere before I annoy all the people around me dead. I already went on answering some posts on this one anime/manga fan-forum that I have been hanging on. I soon noticed after starting to write I was fast writing a short story there or even a novel so I said to myself that I would need to stop writing there and come here to write my blog instead before I drive everyone crazy with my constent need of talking. Or in this case my need of writing. I dunno how but it just happens automaticly. I m not putting any tough or energy into this. I m just sitting here staring at the screen as I feel bit dizzy and confused and bit spaced out. And the text just keeps appearing here. At this point I have only feint memory what I did write on the beginning of the text. Or why I m writing this text. It just comes from somewhere back side of my head. Its creepy.
Also for my sad duty I have to report that Microsoft Band servers are now officially dead. I noticed it when I was trying to connect my wrist pedometer to the server. Sad. But luckily the local GPS is still working and it is counting meters and the speed and the heart rate so I think Im still gonna use it. Even its not saving them anywhere anymore. Also its still keeping track of my sleep and how many times I have awoken up during my sleep.
Fun fact is that according to my Microsoft Band I keep awaking during my sleep at least 11 times during the night. I dunno if this has something to do with ADHD also. But I also get like only 10 to 25 mins of the actual deep sleep.
I think I will have to try study this from the web because I dont think the book I have about ADHD has all the answers.
When I woke up this morning I felt really energized, and really like I needed to do something. I noticed myself constantly wanting to talk or do something. I haven't been feeling so clear signs of hyper activity lately myself so this was bit scary even for me.
My parents ofcourse "love" when I go all hyper active from the morning.
I dunno if me doing +2km fast walking session for 30 min today did me any good. I feel so hyper active.
Also when I was walking back home I noticed I had small blackout. Or I dunno what to call it. Its when I m thinking something, either from some movie or something that happened to me I faze out and I m not unable to see anything around me.
It sometimes happen when I walk and I m kinda scared of it and I dont even know if its normal. Like I started to think about Bicer Mice and the new remake of the series, and then I was thinking of character called Hannibal Hairball. For while I couls just hear the characters voice in my head talking with Throttle about some lines I was thinking, and I could like see them in my mind. But for split second I could not see the real world around me. Or I think I did see it but it did not leave any memory trace inside my head and it felt scary.
I haven't had those space outs in walking in a while. I often have them in a shower and I cant literally remember if I have put conditioner or shampoo in my head during it. Now when I think about it it might be one reason why I m so terrified about driving a car. Like there I have to look both in front of me, and the sides and check the rear mirror once in 5 seconds and continiously focus on everything at once. I've driven with driving teacher around big cities like Järvenpää and Helsinki and Kerava. And he noted that I was able to drive for somewhat half an hour but then my focus would start slipping and if I would try keep driving I would end up crying and having minor panic attacks because feeling so exhausted. That is why I to this day havent had courage to go to the driving tests. I'm also terrified if I will just answer all the questions wrong. Or forget something. Mostly I m scared of me being in traffic when I could space out like that. All I know it has something to do with me being some level of tired.
Also I just read from this one book that discussed ADHD people that in fact my brains are lagging and slow. And when they are trying to boost my tough to the normal level I start acting hyper active. Its really interesting to know.
But like now I when I came back home from walking I felt like my brains were so much full of energy that I just had to use it somewhere before I annoy all the people around me dead. I already went on answering some posts on this one anime/manga fan-forum that I have been hanging on. I soon noticed after starting to write I was fast writing a short story there or even a novel so I said to myself that I would need to stop writing there and come here to write my blog instead before I drive everyone crazy with my constent need of talking. Or in this case my need of writing. I dunno how but it just happens automaticly. I m not putting any tough or energy into this. I m just sitting here staring at the screen as I feel bit dizzy and confused and bit spaced out. And the text just keeps appearing here. At this point I have only feint memory what I did write on the beginning of the text. Or why I m writing this text. It just comes from somewhere back side of my head. Its creepy.
Also for my sad duty I have to report that Microsoft Band servers are now officially dead. I noticed it when I was trying to connect my wrist pedometer to the server. Sad. But luckily the local GPS is still working and it is counting meters and the speed and the heart rate so I think Im still gonna use it. Even its not saving them anywhere anymore. Also its still keeping track of my sleep and how many times I have awoken up during my sleep.
Fun fact is that according to my Microsoft Band I keep awaking during my sleep at least 11 times during the night. I dunno if this has something to do with ADHD also. But I also get like only 10 to 25 mins of the actual deep sleep.
I think I will have to try study this from the web because I dont think the book I have about ADHD has all the answers.
Friday, May 31, 2019
My oppinion on Ads?
Before I started using Ads myself in my blog I used to hate ads. But now when I realize how much of a difference just me seeing some ads and clicking them makes to the person who is hosting the ads I often find myself clicking ads on people's blog to give them like 00.03 cent earnings. Also I've found really nice stuff from Advertisement. I remember my first fave online game gosupermodel is something I found from advertisement. And I also found lots of nice drawing sites and gadgets from ads. I'm not saying that you have to focus on the ads on my site but I'm just saying that I found some nice stuff from ads when I was browsing online.
One thing that I can say is that I monitor the ads on my web page daily and make sure that there is nothing unsuitable there.
But like keeping your own blog changes your view on many things. I recommend blogging to everyone who enjoys writing stuff about their daily life and their hobbies. This is actually really relaxing.
One thing that I can say is that I monitor the ads on my web page daily and make sure that there is nothing unsuitable there.
But like keeping your own blog changes your view on many things. I recommend blogging to everyone who enjoys writing stuff about their daily life and their hobbies. This is actually really relaxing.
Hahaha now I know who he is XD
Lets talk about Ginga Densetsu Noah.
I've been reading the Finnish GNG-forum and today someone finally at least 99% confirmed it being this guy:
I've been reading the Finnish GNG-forum and today someone finally at least 99% confirmed it being this guy:
Yes, I've been familiar with GNG merchandise mostly trough animes like Ginga Nagareboshi Gin, and Ginga Densetsu Weed. I tried to start buying manga, but I ran out of pocket money after 3th GNG book. That is why my point of view from this can be different to those who have been following the manga. To me this is the first GNG main charachter who does not resemble Gin at all. Yes, I m aweare of Rigel, Sirius and Orion. While Orion is first GNG main hero with different fur color he still is reconized as "average Ginga charachter" by everyone from just one look at him. Yes while Takahashi's art style is really recognizable and everyone is still able to tell that this is Yoshiro Takahashi's work I would still call out this being the first not direct Ginga mockup copy as a charachter. At least considering how he looks by coloring. Yes he still clearly is at least 1% Akita dog, but still I'm interested to see what kind of person Noah turns to be as a person. Takahashi has been critizited at least people I know a lot about how the main charachter is always too similiar to the old one. Of curse most of these people are like me, and have only seen Weed and Gin in anime.
While Weed was critisized for being "too nice" and "too merciful" he still was quite the same as Gin. Maybe the "Wanna be friends with everyone" bar boosted bit too much he was still really much like Gin was when he was young.
It could be that Yoshiro has finally realized that he can't tell the same story too many times.. About same family of dogs having lost contact with their fathers and father not even knowing about their son. But we will have to wait for more updates on Kaksoissola.net to find out.
While Weed was critisized for being "too nice" and "too merciful" he still was quite the same as Gin. Maybe the "Wanna be friends with everyone" bar boosted bit too much he was still really much like Gin was when he was young.
It could be that Yoshiro has finally realized that he can't tell the same story too many times.. About same family of dogs having lost contact with their fathers and father not even knowing about their son. But we will have to wait for more updates on Kaksoissola.net to find out.
Thursday, May 30, 2019
What I have been doing today
Today I have been doing fast-walking for half an hour. My legs are still killing me. Also Ive played a lot of the Sims 4. Ive forgotten how fun game it actually is. I think is should stream it more. I did stream it a bit but because I havent been streaming for while I found it bit exhausting. As those who know me know, at the other hand Im really social person and I love talking with people. But then I'm also kind of person who gets exhausted when being around of lots of people or pressure. And streaming also is stressing in a way. Especially when I keep the face cam on. I m always worrying if I talk clear enouhg or look okay for the shot.
I m really self aware and I tend to critisize myself way too much and that is most common reason for me being tired in the end. I m just over extending stuff inside my small rabbit brains and making such a fuss about everything when in the end there is nothing to worry about. One example of this kind of behaviour is I got really nervous when I noticed someone was checking this blog once in half an hour from same IP address. As blog writer I should be happy for it but for some reason my first question was like "Did I do something wrong because someone is reading my blog?" And I stressed and chatted about it for couple dear friends of mine and they convinced me that it was okay and normal. But like I admit that I must have some kind of trauma of situations where I'm noticed I usually flarg something up and fail so much that at least someone is displeased on me. And there we go again on the subject that I've talked a lot about lately. I still have this odd urge to please people and over think about what other people think about me into the lengts that I m not able to enjoy at all.
Now I realize how silly it was me to panic about getting readers when in fact I love that you guys read this blog. I enjoy talking and telling you what I think about. But for some reason I just got bit creeped out.
But that does not mean that I dont want you to read my blog. I just was not so used into fact that someone would actually read this. To me this has been mostly a thing I do for my own enjoyment and I havent been really paying any attenttion whatever someone reads this or not even I did put Adsense up here like years ago. And yes, I m sorry that you have to suffer trough Ads, but at the moment I dont have a job and I could really use the extra money Google is offering for each Add that I manage to show so please bare with it.
Oh boy. I was planning this to be short update from today but somehow this just got out of paws again. Well, this is me, when I start to talking or writing about something there is no end for the fload of words or the text. The stuff just comes automaticly out from my brains with out me noticing anything, exept the huge amount of text that I've left behind. Its crazy really how I just think like okay lets put here couple of words about what I've been doing today and before I even notice it there are lots of text, but then again people say its a good thing.
But anyhows its past 21:00 pm local time and I think I'm going to quit hanging online and playing the Sims 4 for today and I will try to go and get some sleep.
But again, I love when you people have the energy to read my blog. Big thank you for that. Hugs and God bless and good night.
-Varjokani
I m really self aware and I tend to critisize myself way too much and that is most common reason for me being tired in the end. I m just over extending stuff inside my small rabbit brains and making such a fuss about everything when in the end there is nothing to worry about. One example of this kind of behaviour is I got really nervous when I noticed someone was checking this blog once in half an hour from same IP address. As blog writer I should be happy for it but for some reason my first question was like "Did I do something wrong because someone is reading my blog?" And I stressed and chatted about it for couple dear friends of mine and they convinced me that it was okay and normal. But like I admit that I must have some kind of trauma of situations where I'm noticed I usually flarg something up and fail so much that at least someone is displeased on me. And there we go again on the subject that I've talked a lot about lately. I still have this odd urge to please people and over think about what other people think about me into the lengts that I m not able to enjoy at all.
Now I realize how silly it was me to panic about getting readers when in fact I love that you guys read this blog. I enjoy talking and telling you what I think about. But for some reason I just got bit creeped out.
But that does not mean that I dont want you to read my blog. I just was not so used into fact that someone would actually read this. To me this has been mostly a thing I do for my own enjoyment and I havent been really paying any attenttion whatever someone reads this or not even I did put Adsense up here like years ago. And yes, I m sorry that you have to suffer trough Ads, but at the moment I dont have a job and I could really use the extra money Google is offering for each Add that I manage to show so please bare with it.
Oh boy. I was planning this to be short update from today but somehow this just got out of paws again. Well, this is me, when I start to talking or writing about something there is no end for the fload of words or the text. The stuff just comes automaticly out from my brains with out me noticing anything, exept the huge amount of text that I've left behind. Its crazy really how I just think like okay lets put here couple of words about what I've been doing today and before I even notice it there are lots of text, but then again people say its a good thing.
But anyhows its past 21:00 pm local time and I think I'm going to quit hanging online and playing the Sims 4 for today and I will try to go and get some sleep.
But again, I love when you people have the energy to read my blog. Big thank you for that. Hugs and God bless and good night.
-Varjokani
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
Thinks to be waiting for in summer 2019
Here are some things that I m currently waiting for in summer 2019
- Lion King Live action
really scared really, because its made by same folk that did Jungle Book, and that movie failed on som many levels. It failed for trying to copy the book and to copy the Disney cartoon. It took all things I loved in both of them and threw them out from the window. Thay almost ruined the whole Daddyheera* for me. - My Birthday
That event coming at 21.06 and I'm really nervous for it. I m not ready to be 25 years old. But the good thing is that this year me and my irl friend who has birthday one day earlier than me are throwing a party together. I still have to figure what to buy for him. He did buy me Fallout 4 last year. - Ginga Nagareboshi Gin stage drama show
I loved the "original" Finnish theatherical releases of both Ginga and Weed. They were awesome. Ive been hanging out on this one Finnish GNG site waiting for news if there is gonna be official dvd release of the product later on that I can purchase. I dunno if I m gonna hang out in the forums after recieving info of the drama show. Maybe, if I get hyped. But for one thing I m sure. GNG will never replace Guardians of the Galaxy in my heart. Fun fact I did originally fall in love with them for same reason; The awesome music and relatable charachters. Now as an adult I can see how annoying charachter Gin was as in Ginga Nagareboshi Gin. For the sequels Yoshiro Takahashi toned it down in heavy strokes. But truth is if one acts like Gin in real life they get hated and bullied. Other peole aren't so keen on being friends with you if you take life lessons from Ginga considering your social skills and how you act towards other people. Yes it teaches to be honest and kind, but Gin is more than that. He is annoying and he exepts everyone to wanting to be his friends. I learned it the hard way that one can't be friend with everyone. - Ginga Densetsu Noah
This one I m not so keen on waiting but I m still following the news about it while I wait news from the stage drama. For so long as I m considered no one actually knows who Noah is or what Noah is. Its exiting.
And added bonus because of the 4th is - Deaths of Gin and Akame
Almost all characters from the original Ginga nagareboshi Gin are gone and fans have been critisizing the fact that Gin is still alive and well. More weird part is that Akame seems to be just fine.. even he was semi-old dog in actual Ginga nagareboshi gin saga. I really want to try some facial elixir he is putting on his face to keep it so pretty. But as a child I remember loving that anime and loving these characters, and as an adult I've learned that all good things come to the bitter end. I'm not even the fan of the series anymore, apart the musical. I loved it because it had awesome 1980's music from my childhood turned into Finnish songs about the plot of GNG.
*Daddyheera and Mommaheera= The name I call Bagheera when he is acting like super motherly and protective towards Mowgli.
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Updates on Weed
Hi. We are back from x-rays. There is no clear noticeable bone fracture but the sinew has partially loosen from the bone. Its still half attached to it on his left hind leg. Doctor put some bandgage on him but it fell straight when he walked trough dog gate on my door. Also when he tried to walk with it it seemed too heavy for him and it seemed just to give him more annoyence than use.
I might try make new bandage for him for the night to support the leg. But he is a cat and the vet warned us that it might slip loose really soon.
He got some inflammatory drugs and order for house arrest for 3 weeks. We should try look after him so he would not jump around indoors either. But he loves jumping and sitting in high places and begging for food. First thing he did once he got home was rush to my room for cat food.
We will have to go for check up visit within 2-3 weeks afterwards to decide whatever we will keep giving him the painkillers for rest of his life. Im relieved to hear that it was not broken bone, but I m still bit worried. Now all I can hope is that the feet heals itself. But the hard factor is that Weedi is already 13 years old, and old cats heal slower than the young ones.
But Im hovewer grateful to have my "big baby boy" back home safe. Also I owe to my in real life best friend for life for driving me to the wet and back home. You are the best sister! I dunno what would I have done with out you. Normally I would have bugged my mom into it, since I live with my family, but our car is currently under repairs.
But ya. Now I feel much more relaxed than I did before going to the wet. I might be able to get something to eat and maybe do some streaming that I ve have longing to do for a week. Only dark cloud in my life now is the literal ones because I can see them in the sky, and I can also feel my thunder headache poking my brains.
But in short he has a fracture where the area of attachment of the joint, the plexus or the muscle stroke is torn off the bone at least partially.
I might try make new bandage for him for the night to support the leg. But he is a cat and the vet warned us that it might slip loose really soon.
He got some inflammatory drugs and order for house arrest for 3 weeks. We should try look after him so he would not jump around indoors either. But he loves jumping and sitting in high places and begging for food. First thing he did once he got home was rush to my room for cat food.
We will have to go for check up visit within 2-3 weeks afterwards to decide whatever we will keep giving him the painkillers for rest of his life. Im relieved to hear that it was not broken bone, but I m still bit worried. Now all I can hope is that the feet heals itself. But the hard factor is that Weedi is already 13 years old, and old cats heal slower than the young ones.
But Im hovewer grateful to have my "big baby boy" back home safe. Also I owe to my in real life best friend for life for driving me to the wet and back home. You are the best sister! I dunno what would I have done with out you. Normally I would have bugged my mom into it, since I live with my family, but our car is currently under repairs.
But ya. Now I feel much more relaxed than I did before going to the wet. I might be able to get something to eat and maybe do some streaming that I ve have longing to do for a week. Only dark cloud in my life now is the literal ones because I can see them in the sky, and I can also feel my thunder headache poking my brains.
But in short he has a fracture where the area of attachment of the joint, the plexus or the muscle stroke is torn off the bone at least partially.
Getting rid of unhealthy habits and addictions
First step is admitting to having a problem. Admitting that you are doing something that is unhealthy for you either menthal or physical way. Often the hardest part is the part where one admits that they have a problem. Only then and only after that it can be treated and helped to deal with.
Most important to think about this is if one just sits on computer and reads something they hate. Internet should never should be used as tortue device. If you find something over internet that makes you feel uncofortable you should not use all day of staring at it. It will destroy your brains. Also too much stress and negativity in general is harmful for your brains.
Second part is realizing why something is unhealthy for you. You may know it but getting it hammered deep inside your heart can make huge difference. If you notice you drink too much Cola or hang out too much over the internet you will have to explain yourself why those are bad for you. Cola can harm your body in a way that it makes you fat. If you keep browsing internet and just staring the blank screen all day long it can harm your brains. But mostly it harms your own social relationships. All the time one takes sitting on computer is time away from being with friends and talking with them.
And if one keeps just hanging online too much one will soon notice that all social skills are gone and humans are starting to avoid you. I have had slight social media addiction myself so I know what I m talking about. Also I have had Coca Cola addiction. It is no help saying "yaya. Its bad for me."
You need to say "Its bad for me because it makes me fat." or "Its bad for me because it takes time away from being happy with my friends."
Most important to think about this is if one just sits on computer and reads something they hate. Internet should never should be used as tortue device. If you find something over internet that makes you feel uncofortable you should not use all day of staring at it. It will destroy your brains. Also too much stress and negativity in general is harmful for your brains.
That is why Im linking a live stream video of Kitten Academy live stream here in the bottom so we can all just relax and watch something nice and positive for the change:
Kitten Academy Live Stream
Weed jumping game
Good morning. This morning to me started really slowly due to the reason I was finding it hard timt to shoo Weedi from my bed. It seems the painkiller shot he got helped, and he was finally able to sleep after being in great pain all day long.
He even was purring again in the evening. I gave it in after midnight in a way that I first carried small babydoll-sized copy of my bed that we had in kitchen to my room, then brought some water to my room, and brought some catfood.
When Weedi saw food he carefully stepped down from my bed using small stool I had put next to the bed. Then he rushed to eat. He must have felt like a little princess again because normally my room is where "the littlemen", aka Zorro and Veli normally dine, while Weed eats in our dressing room, wich is next to the showers. Its warm there and its has many places he can sit and lay dow.
We feed them separetely because while Zorro lets everyone push him around and and is more than willing to let someone else to eat his food I have hands down to work to make sure Veli wont shoo Zorro away from food. And like Veli does not act aggressively at all, mere the fact of Veli walking near the food and smelling it is enough to make Zorro back down. And Veli has habit of tasting bit of food from both of the cups and just leaving it there. But since Veli has tasted from them Zorro thinks they belong to Veli. And then no one eats the food. And Weedi is already too well known for "coming to clean the plates" afterwards. We usually let Zorro come and eat it during the night time. Yes, Zorro eats when he is hungry, but because he rarely moves anywhere and he just is lazy with me he rarely feels the need to eat so much.
But ya, tonight Weedi was sleeping in my room. While I went to the kitchen I saw Zorro sitting middle of kitchen's table and staring at me with judgement in his eyes. Usually he is the one who sleeps next me till I fall a sleep. He is something I call "my autistic little princess.." because the way he acts to things. He is really cute and I m partially to blame, okay I m all to blame for it because Ive been mothering him and spoiling him rotten from the moment I got the cat twins Zorro and Veli.
After having the dream come true from Weedi and eating in my room with permission he laid rest, not to the bed I carried for him, but on floor. I told him good night, and I told him he is free to use both the bed on the floor or my bed. I even moved him to the doll bed. But as I turned off lights I noticed him walking back to my bed and falling a sleep next to my feet. He stayed there till morning.
Now he is super active. He still seems to be putting less weight on the left hind leg, but he is acting his normal impulsive self. And he wants to go out for a jog. I saw him standing on his both hind legs and scratching the door a while ago.
I feel so bad for him because we cant let him out, because we are taking him to the x-rays at 15:30 local time, and we cant have him running around harming the leg more before we know whats wrong with it.
I just hope my mom can take Weed's tantrums for jumping around the tables and showing of that "his leg is just fine and he can go out." He clearly is trying to show us up that he is just fine.
But Im really worried for him, because he is already been 13 years in the family. To me letting go of a friend or family member is really hard thing to do. And when anything is wrong with one of "my furr babies" I tend to worry sick. Like yesterday I did not eat anything before we were back from the doctor and I noticed that I was starting to feel really weak and fainthy.
My mom is super stressed too. She cried a lot. And I was at the verge of crying too. Those who know me that sometimes the pain is so numming that I cant even cry. I m too in shock and the tears come afterwards when the shock wears off. I m still at shock how my poor furbaby could get hurt. We still dont know what happened to him. It might have been a clash with a car or something.
But ya, I m trying to act as a barrier between Weed's showoffs and mom's stress. I hope everything returns to the normal soon.
Because atm while I would love to stream I dunno if I can. Because I feel so much like I m having panic attack myself for all that is going on.
..
Even everything seems to be okay atm. But Weed jumping around with broken leg is making my mom jump at it and nervous. I will post more when I know more .. Unless something so bad happens that I cant even open computer. You know what I mean.
When Viikka died I was not able to think straight. I was a mess. And I was pissed at everyone and everything. And I did not even like the dog so much. He was like an annoying baby brother to me. But I like fell for him due the time of his last month he looked for pets and ease from me too.
I know I m most likely over reacting and acting like stupid drama llama but I just wish my furr baby is okay.
He even was purring again in the evening. I gave it in after midnight in a way that I first carried small babydoll-sized copy of my bed that we had in kitchen to my room, then brought some water to my room, and brought some catfood.
When Weedi saw food he carefully stepped down from my bed using small stool I had put next to the bed. Then he rushed to eat. He must have felt like a little princess again because normally my room is where "the littlemen", aka Zorro and Veli normally dine, while Weed eats in our dressing room, wich is next to the showers. Its warm there and its has many places he can sit and lay dow.
We feed them separetely because while Zorro lets everyone push him around and and is more than willing to let someone else to eat his food I have hands down to work to make sure Veli wont shoo Zorro away from food. And like Veli does not act aggressively at all, mere the fact of Veli walking near the food and smelling it is enough to make Zorro back down. And Veli has habit of tasting bit of food from both of the cups and just leaving it there. But since Veli has tasted from them Zorro thinks they belong to Veli. And then no one eats the food. And Weedi is already too well known for "coming to clean the plates" afterwards. We usually let Zorro come and eat it during the night time. Yes, Zorro eats when he is hungry, but because he rarely moves anywhere and he just is lazy with me he rarely feels the need to eat so much.
But ya, tonight Weedi was sleeping in my room. While I went to the kitchen I saw Zorro sitting middle of kitchen's table and staring at me with judgement in his eyes. Usually he is the one who sleeps next me till I fall a sleep. He is something I call "my autistic little princess.." because the way he acts to things. He is really cute and I m partially to blame, okay I m all to blame for it because Ive been mothering him and spoiling him rotten from the moment I got the cat twins Zorro and Veli.
After having the dream come true from Weedi and eating in my room with permission he laid rest, not to the bed I carried for him, but on floor. I told him good night, and I told him he is free to use both the bed on the floor or my bed. I even moved him to the doll bed. But as I turned off lights I noticed him walking back to my bed and falling a sleep next to my feet. He stayed there till morning.
Now he is super active. He still seems to be putting less weight on the left hind leg, but he is acting his normal impulsive self. And he wants to go out for a jog. I saw him standing on his both hind legs and scratching the door a while ago.
I feel so bad for him because we cant let him out, because we are taking him to the x-rays at 15:30 local time, and we cant have him running around harming the leg more before we know whats wrong with it.
I just hope my mom can take Weed's tantrums for jumping around the tables and showing of that "his leg is just fine and he can go out." He clearly is trying to show us up that he is just fine.
But Im really worried for him, because he is already been 13 years in the family. To me letting go of a friend or family member is really hard thing to do. And when anything is wrong with one of "my furr babies" I tend to worry sick. Like yesterday I did not eat anything before we were back from the doctor and I noticed that I was starting to feel really weak and fainthy.
My mom is super stressed too. She cried a lot. And I was at the verge of crying too. Those who know me that sometimes the pain is so numming that I cant even cry. I m too in shock and the tears come afterwards when the shock wears off. I m still at shock how my poor furbaby could get hurt. We still dont know what happened to him. It might have been a clash with a car or something.
But ya, I m trying to act as a barrier between Weed's showoffs and mom's stress. I hope everything returns to the normal soon.
Because atm while I would love to stream I dunno if I can. Because I feel so much like I m having panic attack myself for all that is going on.
..
Even everything seems to be okay atm. But Weed jumping around with broken leg is making my mom jump at it and nervous. I will post more when I know more .. Unless something so bad happens that I cant even open computer. You know what I mean.
When Viikka died I was not able to think straight. I was a mess. And I was pissed at everyone and everything. And I did not even like the dog so much. He was like an annoying baby brother to me. But I like fell for him due the time of his last month he looked for pets and ease from me too.
I know I m most likely over reacting and acting like stupid drama llama but I just wish my furr baby is okay.
Monday, May 27, 2019
Hei siellä :P / Hello there :P
Hi there. If you read this please leave a comment. I would love to know more about you readers. :)
Jos luet tätä niin jätä vaikka nimimerkillä kommentti ja kerro hieman itsestäsi.
Olisi kivaa tietää enemmän teistä ihanista lukijoista. :)
To post a comment simply click the name of the posts and comment menu should appear :3
Jos luet tätä niin jätä vaikka nimimerkillä kommentti ja kerro hieman itsestäsi.
Olisi kivaa tietää enemmän teistä ihanista lukijoista. :)
To post a comment simply click the name of the posts and comment menu should appear :3
Weed problems
I was planning yesterday that I would go jogging today and do whole day walking trip around the neihgborhood.
But appearently our oldest cat Weedi s something wrong with his hind leg and every time it touches something it hurts.
I m worried for him. Also we dont have a car avalibe. I will soon start callout round to all my friends if they are avalibe. I will keep you posted about the situation.¨
But currently I m starting to have a panic attack for this.
But appearently our oldest cat Weedi s something wrong with his hind leg and every time it touches something it hurts.
I m worried for him. Also we dont have a car avalibe. I will soon start callout round to all my friends if they are avalibe. I will keep you posted about the situation.¨
But currently I m starting to have a panic attack for this.
- 9:21 edit:
Just lovely. The vet that we usually use isn't responding to the phone. We will keep trying. Weedi manabed to climb to his kitty toilet and do some pooh. His pooh is the usual. Huge and really smelly. Seriously. Compared to Zorro's I would think a dog would have done that pooh. (Zorro is our other cat who does small pooh.) - Weed is currently trying to rest his leg. Ane he keeps switching the place where to lay so he can be both in peace but close to us. Poor thing is more dog or a rabbit than a cat.
- 9:25 edit:
We are currently on phone with the vet. The leg is still really sore. - 10:00 edit: We got appointment for vet to this evening. I tried to examine the leg a bit and got scratched and bitten. Good luck for me if it is rabies..
It also seems that there might also be something sore on his front legs upper part because he was not so keen on letting me touch it either. But the left hind leg is absolutely sore. Even slight touch to it seems to hurt a lot. The vet agreen on phone that it might be the case of something bitten him. But I was not able to see any marks due the furr. Also I cant tell if the leg is swollen because Weedi is bit chubby himself. And he normaly looks like that.
However I m really worried. I gave him some Dreamies to ease the pain and he seemed to enjoy them. He did not purr tough. Usually he purrs when given candy or petted. He did purr to me earlier this morning when I petted him. To me it is also a sign that Weedi is in great pain. - 10:25:
He tries to find good spot to stay. Last seen middlf of livingroom next to the table middle of mom's shoes.
- 13:42: I start to feel bit tired of being stressed all day long. But you know me, I tend to freeze and stress over things. And over analyze them in inside my head. Or then I use all my energy to not over analyze things. I ve beent thinking to maybe do some stream or something "usefull" in a main time. The vet is at 17:30 local time so for surely I can say that most likely there is not gonna be any more updates before that.
Thanks for everyone for support. <3 - 29:06: Just came back from the vet. Weedi will go to x-ray tomorrow. Appearently something wrong with leg and fourth toe.
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