Good morning. This morning to me started really slowly due to the reason I was finding it hard timt to shoo Weedi from my bed. It seems the painkiller shot he got helped, and he was finally able to sleep after being in great pain all day long.
He even was purring again in the evening. I gave it in after midnight in a way that I first carried small babydoll-sized copy of my bed that we had in kitchen to my room, then brought some water to my room, and brought some catfood.
When Weedi saw food he carefully stepped down from my bed using small stool I had put next to the bed. Then he rushed to eat. He must have felt like a little princess again because normally my room is where "the littlemen", aka Zorro and Veli normally dine, while Weed eats in our dressing room, wich is next to the showers. Its warm there and its has many places he can sit and lay dow.
We feed them separetely because while Zorro lets everyone push him around and and is more than willing to let someone else to eat his food I have hands down to work to make sure Veli wont shoo Zorro away from food. And like Veli does not act aggressively at all, mere the fact of Veli walking near the food and smelling it is enough to make Zorro back down. And Veli has habit of tasting bit of food from both of the cups and just leaving it there. But since Veli has tasted from them Zorro thinks they belong to Veli. And then no one eats the food. And Weedi is already too well known for "coming to clean the plates" afterwards. We usually let Zorro come and eat it during the night time. Yes, Zorro eats when he is hungry, but because he rarely moves anywhere and he just is lazy with me he rarely feels the need to eat so much.
But ya, tonight Weedi was sleeping in my room. While I went to the kitchen I saw Zorro sitting middle of kitchen's table and staring at me with judgement in his eyes. Usually he is the one who sleeps next me till I fall a sleep. He is something I call "my autistic little princess.." because the way he acts to things. He is really cute and I m partially to blame, okay I m all to blame for it because Ive been mothering him and spoiling him rotten from the moment I got the cat twins Zorro and Veli.
After having the dream come true from Weedi and eating in my room with permission he laid rest, not to the bed I carried for him, but on floor. I told him good night, and I told him he is free to use both the bed on the floor or my bed. I even moved him to the doll bed. But as I turned off lights I noticed him walking back to my bed and falling a sleep next to my feet. He stayed there till morning.
Now he is super active. He still seems to be putting less weight on the left hind leg, but he is acting his normal impulsive self. And he wants to go out for a jog. I saw him standing on his both hind legs and scratching the door a while ago.
I feel so bad for him because we cant let him out, because we are taking him to the x-rays at 15:30 local time, and we cant have him running around harming the leg more before we know whats wrong with it.
I just hope my mom can take Weed's tantrums for jumping around the tables and showing of that "his leg is just fine and he can go out." He clearly is trying to show us up that he is just fine.
But Im really worried for him, because he is already been 13 years in the family. To me letting go of a friend or family member is really hard thing to do. And when anything is wrong with one of "my furr babies" I tend to worry sick. Like yesterday I did not eat anything before we were back from the doctor and I noticed that I was starting to feel really weak and fainthy.
My mom is super stressed too. She cried a lot. And I was at the verge of crying too. Those who know me that sometimes the pain is so numming that I cant even cry. I m too in shock and the tears come afterwards when the shock wears off. I m still at shock how my poor furbaby could get hurt. We still dont know what happened to him. It might have been a clash with a car or something.
But ya, I m trying to act as a barrier between Weed's showoffs and mom's stress. I hope everything returns to the normal soon.
Because atm while I would love to stream I dunno if I can. Because I feel so much like I m having panic attack myself for all that is going on.
..
Even everything seems to be okay atm. But Weed jumping around with broken leg is making my mom jump at it and nervous. I will post more when I know more .. Unless something so bad happens that I cant even open computer. You know what I mean.
When Viikka died I was not able to think straight. I was a mess. And I was pissed at everyone and everything. And I did not even like the dog so much. He was like an annoying baby brother to me. But I like fell for him due the time of his last month he looked for pets and ease from me too.
I know I m most likely over reacting and acting like stupid drama llama but I just wish my furr baby is okay.
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Monday, May 27, 2019
Hei siellä :P / Hello there :P
Hi there. If you read this please leave a comment. I would love to know more about you readers. :)
Jos luet tätä niin jätä vaikka nimimerkillä kommentti ja kerro hieman itsestäsi.
Olisi kivaa tietää enemmän teistä ihanista lukijoista. :)
To post a comment simply click the name of the posts and comment menu should appear :3
Jos luet tätä niin jätä vaikka nimimerkillä kommentti ja kerro hieman itsestäsi.
Olisi kivaa tietää enemmän teistä ihanista lukijoista. :)
To post a comment simply click the name of the posts and comment menu should appear :3
Weed problems
I was planning yesterday that I would go jogging today and do whole day walking trip around the neihgborhood.
But appearently our oldest cat Weedi s something wrong with his hind leg and every time it touches something it hurts.
I m worried for him. Also we dont have a car avalibe. I will soon start callout round to all my friends if they are avalibe. I will keep you posted about the situation.¨
But currently I m starting to have a panic attack for this.
But appearently our oldest cat Weedi s something wrong with his hind leg and every time it touches something it hurts.
I m worried for him. Also we dont have a car avalibe. I will soon start callout round to all my friends if they are avalibe. I will keep you posted about the situation.¨
But currently I m starting to have a panic attack for this.
- 9:21 edit:
Just lovely. The vet that we usually use isn't responding to the phone. We will keep trying. Weedi manabed to climb to his kitty toilet and do some pooh. His pooh is the usual. Huge and really smelly. Seriously. Compared to Zorro's I would think a dog would have done that pooh. (Zorro is our other cat who does small pooh.) - Weed is currently trying to rest his leg. Ane he keeps switching the place where to lay so he can be both in peace but close to us. Poor thing is more dog or a rabbit than a cat.
- 9:25 edit:
We are currently on phone with the vet. The leg is still really sore. - 10:00 edit: We got appointment for vet to this evening. I tried to examine the leg a bit and got scratched and bitten. Good luck for me if it is rabies..
It also seems that there might also be something sore on his front legs upper part because he was not so keen on letting me touch it either. But the left hind leg is absolutely sore. Even slight touch to it seems to hurt a lot. The vet agreen on phone that it might be the case of something bitten him. But I was not able to see any marks due the furr. Also I cant tell if the leg is swollen because Weedi is bit chubby himself. And he normaly looks like that.
However I m really worried. I gave him some Dreamies to ease the pain and he seemed to enjoy them. He did not purr tough. Usually he purrs when given candy or petted. He did purr to me earlier this morning when I petted him. To me it is also a sign that Weedi is in great pain. - 10:25:
He tries to find good spot to stay. Last seen middlf of livingroom next to the table middle of mom's shoes.
- 13:42: I start to feel bit tired of being stressed all day long. But you know me, I tend to freeze and stress over things. And over analyze them in inside my head. Or then I use all my energy to not over analyze things. I ve beent thinking to maybe do some stream or something "usefull" in a main time. The vet is at 17:30 local time so for surely I can say that most likely there is not gonna be any more updates before that.
Thanks for everyone for support. <3 - 29:06: Just came back from the vet. Weedi will go to x-ray tomorrow. Appearently something wrong with leg and fourth toe.
Saturday, May 25, 2019
The future of my blog
Since I seem to enjoy writing once again I decided that it is time to start updating the outfit and style of this blog. I admit doing the last big update on the theme and the outfit of the blog during 2011 when I started my media assistant studies. After that I barely have touched anything and hence the blog still looks so horrible. I myself rarely even open the public page of the blog. I ususally just see the blank white space that I write my posts. Now however after noticing how unprofessional my blog looks I decided to start giving it better look. I admit that I know I m not gonna finish it all in one day. Also I know my taste of style is different from the "normal Finnish style", so if you see something you absolutely hate on this blog please either comment on it, or if you are a shy send me a message. I added "contact" form to the top left side for you shy people who are too shy to comment to my blog.
Also funny thing I noticed, there is this one anime/manga related forum that I love to check daily for updates. However there are usually online just me and the Admins of the site. But for some reason my blog dashboard keeps telling me that +10 people visits my blog from that forum daily. To me its mega strange because I tough no one used that forum anymore besides for reading updates about upcoming manga episodes and about upcoming stage drama in Japan.
However I m grateful that you people find my blog interesting. I know, this is really old blog and the old content from the early ages is horribly badly written. But I ve kept it in the archieves because this blog is to me like diary of some sort. Always when I was sad or stressed or confused about something I used to post here. Also often when I was seriously depressed I used to post here. For some reason just writing my own toughts down made me understand myself better and feel better in general.
Same pattern seems to keep happening here still because I admit that most of my latest posts have been about me being ill and me having a thunder headache.
In the future I m planning to focus more either on drawing and art or video game playing. I already added own side site for Twitch where you can watch my game streams directly from my blogs page.
I hope that you dear readers find this blog as entertaining as I enjoy writing it. Seriously, I love writing my toughts down. As someone with ADD/ADHD the flow of thoughs is huge. And usually my own toughts get tangled up inside my head so it all is just gray noise and huge mess.
Writing stuff down gives me better change to actually understand myself what I m actually thinking and feeling. With out it I somehow feel empty and brain dead, but when I write I feel more alive than in a long time.
I try to update here daily and I hope you enjoy the jorney with me.
God bless and lots of hugs to you!
Also funny thing I noticed, there is this one anime/manga related forum that I love to check daily for updates. However there are usually online just me and the Admins of the site. But for some reason my blog dashboard keeps telling me that +10 people visits my blog from that forum daily. To me its mega strange because I tough no one used that forum anymore besides for reading updates about upcoming manga episodes and about upcoming stage drama in Japan.
However I m grateful that you people find my blog interesting. I know, this is really old blog and the old content from the early ages is horribly badly written. But I ve kept it in the archieves because this blog is to me like diary of some sort. Always when I was sad or stressed or confused about something I used to post here. Also often when I was seriously depressed I used to post here. For some reason just writing my own toughts down made me understand myself better and feel better in general.
Same pattern seems to keep happening here still because I admit that most of my latest posts have been about me being ill and me having a thunder headache.
In the future I m planning to focus more either on drawing and art or video game playing. I already added own side site for Twitch where you can watch my game streams directly from my blogs page.
I hope that you dear readers find this blog as entertaining as I enjoy writing it. Seriously, I love writing my toughts down. As someone with ADD/ADHD the flow of thoughs is huge. And usually my own toughts get tangled up inside my head so it all is just gray noise and huge mess.
Writing stuff down gives me better change to actually understand myself what I m actually thinking and feeling. With out it I somehow feel empty and brain dead, but when I write I feel more alive than in a long time.
I try to update here daily and I hope you enjoy the jorney with me.
God bless and lots of hugs to you!
Friday, May 24, 2019
Sims 4 is free for limited time
Just quick post to notify you all that Sims 4 is currently avalibe for free for limited time.
https://www.polygon.com/2019/5/21/18634362/the-sims-4-free-pc-origin
If one asks me Sims has been one of my all time favorite video games. And the price has always been high enoug so Ive been able to buy like only one expansion pack per year as a kid. Now when the base game is free I strongly recommend everyone to download it and try it out.
Sims is marvelous tool to learn both financial skills (To learn to think before spending all of your money,) and social skills (what to make your Sim to do and not to do to make sure not everyone on the town want to punch you in your face when they see you.)
Note when people hate you they also tend to kick your trashcan down. So you better make sure to make everyone to like you. Also when people like you they tend to give you more help and are generaly nicer to you. Same logic applies a lot also in the real world.
https://www.polygon.com/2019/5/21/18634362/the-sims-4-free-pc-origin
If one asks me Sims has been one of my all time favorite video games. And the price has always been high enoug so Ive been able to buy like only one expansion pack per year as a kid. Now when the base game is free I strongly recommend everyone to download it and try it out.
Sims is marvelous tool to learn both financial skills (To learn to think before spending all of your money,) and social skills (what to make your Sim to do and not to do to make sure not everyone on the town want to punch you in your face when they see you.)
Note when people hate you they also tend to kick your trashcan down. So you better make sure to make everyone to like you. Also when people like you they tend to give you more help and are generaly nicer to you. Same logic applies a lot also in the real world.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
I think I have a problem - again - Partial test reasaults
I just got a phone call from my doctor. Part of the tests came back and at the moment only thing wrong with me seems to be my level of vitamin D. She explained to me that while normal person has serious case of major lack of vitamin D its somewhere around 40. Normally a normal person would have it around 7. For some reason I have mine at 30. I did eat some pills for it during the winter but I stopped since the sun started to show of more and I tough me being casually once per week outside would fix it. Before going to doctor I had been taking walk courses of 30 min daily for at least three days. I would assume it would have made my D vitamin value go up but there seems to be something wrong with it.
She advised me to start eating pills again. There is just one problem. Okay two problems. I m the kind of person who has trouble both drinking water and keeping hydrated and eating pills. Both of them are things that for some reason make me try to throw up. I can drink small bottle of lemonade or bubble water if one gives me enough time to consume it. But if I m needed to drink water I easily feel like throwing up because of some reason that is currently unkown by me. Also I m currently struggling even to take my daily dozes of both Seronil and Concerta at the morning as it is. I dunno. Maybe its because I dont drink enough. But pills make me feel like they wont stay down. And they will come back up. Even how much I drink while I take them I still feel like throwing up. Same thing is with water. Something inside my brains is rejecting it.
I dunno if this has something to do with my early years at the childrens home where I was up to 1 years old, when I was adopted. Recently I have been able to link many strange things in my life and strange behaviour and issues that I have into that time.
But I dunno what is this all. Its making me confused. Mere the tough of drinking water and taking pills is enough to make my throat feel like I need to go to the bathroom and throw up. There is this weird thingle that makes me feel like I was chocking on a fish bone.
About water cosuming today, Ive managed to drink almost half of bottle of bubbled mineral water from 1,5L bottle.
Only thing I know for sure that there is something here that I will have to deal with on future. It would be nice to know tough why I feel like chocking or throwing up for drinking water.
She advised me to start eating pills again. There is just one problem. Okay two problems. I m the kind of person who has trouble both drinking water and keeping hydrated and eating pills. Both of them are things that for some reason make me try to throw up. I can drink small bottle of lemonade or bubble water if one gives me enough time to consume it. But if I m needed to drink water I easily feel like throwing up because of some reason that is currently unkown by me. Also I m currently struggling even to take my daily dozes of both Seronil and Concerta at the morning as it is. I dunno. Maybe its because I dont drink enough. But pills make me feel like they wont stay down. And they will come back up. Even how much I drink while I take them I still feel like throwing up. Same thing is with water. Something inside my brains is rejecting it.
I dunno if this has something to do with my early years at the childrens home where I was up to 1 years old, when I was adopted. Recently I have been able to link many strange things in my life and strange behaviour and issues that I have into that time.
But I dunno what is this all. Its making me confused. Mere the tough of drinking water and taking pills is enough to make my throat feel like I need to go to the bathroom and throw up. There is this weird thingle that makes me feel like I was chocking on a fish bone.
About water cosuming today, Ive managed to drink almost half of bottle of bubbled mineral water from 1,5L bottle.
Only thing I know for sure that there is something here that I will have to deal with on future. It would be nice to know tough why I feel like chocking or throwing up for drinking water.
Thunder headache - Hello summerstorms!
Yesterday was really interesting day. I got my first really bad case of thunder headache of the summer, yaay... I quess. Or not so yeaaay, when I explain what it is all about.
When ever its low pressure on the air that happens usually during the beginning of thunder storm I get this headache. It starts as small headache but as the pressure builds up it ends up a migraine and me feeling really dizzy, and really annoyed by everything.
Funny thing is that even I was indoors it still happens. Once I was at Messukeskus Helsinki (link to their page here,) wich is competely indoors with heavy walls. And it has air conditioning of their own. So I was not in any kind of contact with outside.. and I still got "thunder headache" as I call it. Usually I never get headache, but during thunder storm approaching I always get really bad headache and feel dizzy. When I got headache in Messukeskus I was like "Wait what is this headache..? It cant be...? Wait what?" Then when I got out and saw it rained heavily and there was the smell of the thunder int the air I was like "Oh okay this explains it."
At the other hand its useful to have this kind of super power to sense when the storm is gonna hit so I can get indoors and make sure the interenet is turned off during the storm so the lightning wont fry the modem, but then again it really can ruin the whole day and its really hard to cope with headache that keeps going on whole day.
Like this headache started actually day before yesterday, as mild discomforty feeling in my head. Yesterday it went bad. And as I m writing this I feel like the headache is slightly coming back. I quess its gonna still thunder up today.
Like this thing keeps messing with something with my brain until the pressure dissapears from the sky. Ive had this since I was a kid and at first I tought I was just crazy. But like now as an adult I have read from the internet that I m not the only one with this kind of condition so I can say high five to all others who suffer for this.
As far as I m aware there is no cure for this. Yes I can take painkillers but they only affect for short time and activate quite slowly.. and I'm the kinda person who eats painkillers only when I cant stand the pain at all. Also as far as I m aware people still dont know even the cause of this.
All I know is that for some reason low air pressure during the storms makes something to switch on my brains and give me headache that makes me feel like I was sea sick. But like I mentioned earlier, there is always "the cool factor" that I m walking weather antenna and storm warning. Thunderstorms cant surprise me. Other than the feeling when the headache starts before the actual storm and I go " Oh really? Do we have to have this storm today?" Also I love ruining it to people that I talk with when they are like "Hey wanna come to beatch with us, we bet its fun!" and I m like "Nah I pass and you should too because its gonna thunder hard." It is always kinda interesting to see peoples faces when they realize I was right at it.
And yes the headache keeps up during the storm. It only eases after the storm is gone and weather has cleared again.
When ever its low pressure on the air that happens usually during the beginning of thunder storm I get this headache. It starts as small headache but as the pressure builds up it ends up a migraine and me feeling really dizzy, and really annoyed by everything.
Funny thing is that even I was indoors it still happens. Once I was at Messukeskus Helsinki (link to their page here,) wich is competely indoors with heavy walls. And it has air conditioning of their own. So I was not in any kind of contact with outside.. and I still got "thunder headache" as I call it. Usually I never get headache, but during thunder storm approaching I always get really bad headache and feel dizzy. When I got headache in Messukeskus I was like "Wait what is this headache..? It cant be...? Wait what?" Then when I got out and saw it rained heavily and there was the smell of the thunder int the air I was like "Oh okay this explains it."
At the other hand its useful to have this kind of super power to sense when the storm is gonna hit so I can get indoors and make sure the interenet is turned off during the storm so the lightning wont fry the modem, but then again it really can ruin the whole day and its really hard to cope with headache that keeps going on whole day.
Like this headache started actually day before yesterday, as mild discomforty feeling in my head. Yesterday it went bad. And as I m writing this I feel like the headache is slightly coming back. I quess its gonna still thunder up today.
Like this thing keeps messing with something with my brain until the pressure dissapears from the sky. Ive had this since I was a kid and at first I tought I was just crazy. But like now as an adult I have read from the internet that I m not the only one with this kind of condition so I can say high five to all others who suffer for this.
As far as I m aware there is no cure for this. Yes I can take painkillers but they only affect for short time and activate quite slowly.. and I'm the kinda person who eats painkillers only when I cant stand the pain at all. Also as far as I m aware people still dont know even the cause of this.
All I know is that for some reason low air pressure during the storms makes something to switch on my brains and give me headache that makes me feel like I was sea sick. But like I mentioned earlier, there is always "the cool factor" that I m walking weather antenna and storm warning. Thunderstorms cant surprise me. Other than the feeling when the headache starts before the actual storm and I go " Oh really? Do we have to have this storm today?" Also I love ruining it to people that I talk with when they are like "Hey wanna come to beatch with us, we bet its fun!" and I m like "Nah I pass and you should too because its gonna thunder hard." It is always kinda interesting to see peoples faces when they realize I was right at it.
And yes the headache keeps up during the storm. It only eases after the storm is gone and weather has cleared again.
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
My body tries to kill me again?
Dont you just hate it when you try start doing something right and it backfires you? Well for me and my weak body trying to do any kind of exertisize does that.
I took some tests yesterday and I have to wait for thursday for some kind of an answer. But I m starting to feel like I frustrated.. I did try taking a walks last summer but kept getting weird bleeding and weird infections all over my body. Its either some flu or some infection somewhere in my body when ever I try to do something. I hate it. I really enjoy going out and walking but Ive started avoiding it because of this. Now after I got tired of looking and feeling like fatass raccoon I tried only do fast walking for like 1 day and it was enough to make me first some kind of stomac flu and then I had to stop. Now when I healed from it or at least I think I did again I only was able to do it for like 3 days and weird dry skin and bleeding. And like even I think I use enough hand lotions I got some lovely infection going on my nail on my left middle finger. I was like "oh just lovely.." I just wanna be like a normal girl who can go out and jog with out her body trying to kill her in every way possible.
When ever I try go and do my daily jogging route, or even if I just walk it my body becomes infected and I start bleeding. I dont have any flarg idea why. Ive spent over 100 euros visiting different of doctors and so far they all just tell me that "Oh yes you have dry skin try using lotions on your skin." and I m like "yes I m swimming in them every second I get and I still have weird bleeding and my body seems to try to kill me..
I took some tests yesterday and I have to wait for thursday for some kind of an answer. But I m starting to feel like I frustrated.. I did try taking a walks last summer but kept getting weird bleeding and weird infections all over my body. Its either some flu or some infection somewhere in my body when ever I try to do something. I hate it. I really enjoy going out and walking but Ive started avoiding it because of this. Now after I got tired of looking and feeling like fatass raccoon I tried only do fast walking for like 1 day and it was enough to make me first some kind of stomac flu and then I had to stop. Now when I healed from it or at least I think I did again I only was able to do it for like 3 days and weird dry skin and bleeding. And like even I think I use enough hand lotions I got some lovely infection going on my nail on my left middle finger. I was like "oh just lovely.." I just wanna be like a normal girl who can go out and jog with out her body trying to kill her in every way possible.
But I quess me being normal is too much to ask.
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
Staying away from abusive people short
Do you know the feeling when you try your best and you still fail, and then you start to hate yourself thinking that you should have managed to do something right?
At the moment I have this feeling on so many levels. I ve read that its common with people with ADHD. I'm mostly sad that there is this person that I tried to be friendly with but ya..
I m not gonna rant it anymore. Lets just say that I learned valuabe lesson that if someone is mean to you and tries to use you on any level you should leave and stay away from that person. No matter how cute and nice that person seems.. and no matter how much they say they are sorry for hurting you. Or how much they ever claim that they did nothing to hurt you in a first place.
Like this person keeps switching person to talk to and tries to find somekind of substitute mother or I dont even know. But like now I know that if I feel abused and hurt I should not "wait that person to grow out from being abusive jerk." People dont do that. Its no use for me or anyone to just sit there and suffer all the pain and wait for things to turn to better.
Also there is this thing that Ive learned that sometimes these "mean people" love to hurt other. Either that or they cant see the pain they are causing. And even when you show them that they cause pain and tell them about your feelings they cant change the way they act because they love their own ass too much.
At the moment I have this feeling on so many levels. I ve read that its common with people with ADHD. I'm mostly sad that there is this person that I tried to be friendly with but ya..
I m not gonna rant it anymore. Lets just say that I learned valuabe lesson that if someone is mean to you and tries to use you on any level you should leave and stay away from that person. No matter how cute and nice that person seems.. and no matter how much they say they are sorry for hurting you. Or how much they ever claim that they did nothing to hurt you in a first place.
Like this person keeps switching person to talk to and tries to find somekind of substitute mother or I dont even know. But like now I know that if I feel abused and hurt I should not "wait that person to grow out from being abusive jerk." People dont do that. Its no use for me or anyone to just sit there and suffer all the pain and wait for things to turn to better.
Also there is this thing that Ive learned that sometimes these "mean people" love to hurt other. Either that or they cant see the pain they are causing. And even when you show them that they cause pain and tell them about your feelings they cant change the way they act because they love their own ass too much.
Saturday, April 27, 2019
What is it with people's need to be mean and spoil stuff on purpose?
I understand if someone accidently slips something, but like whats the joy of going to yell to people who are waiting to see a movie and try to enjoy it with full of surpises "Hey hey did you knoow that this person X does a thing Y in a movie and then that other person B does thing C with Y?"
Like in a way you are also ruining it for the film makers. They are telling us a story, and we are paying them to hear the story, and then if we know the story already we have no "need" to hear the story.
Also I think story is best told by the person who wrote it. Like have you guys listened Redwall audiobooks by Brian Jacques? Those are true masterpieces! Even Redwall is repeative as flarg the audiobooks are still pure art.
As someone got to hear one major spoiler on Twitch.tv's Pokemon stream before I realized that I definetely m better if I stay out of social media all together before I see the Endgame I just wanna slap everyone who enjoys spoiling the story and the mood from other people and ask if their own mother's did not love them enough so thay are feeling this empty void inside of them and they have this need to make others feel their pain and emptiness.
If you have issues with yourself be a nice sport and go to talk to a professional or someone over the internet who is willing to sacriface their own time to listen you cry. Be warned if you are a jerk and annoy people enough no one will want to be your friends or listen to you anymore.
I got to meet the latter situation with one of my ex-friends. Ya, you know I was posting weeks ago about this person who I tried to be friends with, but he was too lazy to be friendly back, "Alex". Well quess what. He ghosted someone else for a week, and when this person who got ghosted become bored and spoke to me this one person lets call him Alex because -I dont wanna tell any info about them- yelled at me that "How dared I speak to his friends!" and he was mad on me for getting nice and warm words from his friends. I was like hey I did send you multiple messages that this other person lets call her Pinja missed you. And he was like "I dont care. I can ghost people for weeks but if you talk to them you are the most annoying and mean person in the universe and I hate you."
I was like oki.. well then.
But yes, this incident made me realize how much there are people who has issue with their own self and they reflect in on the other people and drag the other people into mud with them. Please, if you feel sad and lonely or insecure about youreslf find some professional to talk with instead of either annoying or hurting, or both to the peopple over internet.
If you get hurt you still have no right to hurt other people back. By doing so you are just causing more people who suffer like you did. I can kinda understand this type behaviour from someone like Rocket Raccoon who literally had no one called family ever in his his life, but most of these kids who act the same, that they dont care a flarg about others, exept they enjoy people feeling as miserable as they do did in most case have at least some kind of family. I m not saying it was any good but it was a family. Still ya. I wish this Alex would realize that he cant act like Domina to every single person over the internet while being really cruel and uncaring about other people's feelings.
But ya. Here is my rant for now. I will do more later for sure. Now I gotta start getting ready for this one study class that I m taking about the End times. Whahaha.
Be blessed, and PLS if you are having a bad day dont reflect it back on others. You will just make everyone think you are asshat and really really mentally retarded and selfish jerk. And NO one wants to be friends with that. Yes, if you feel like no one loves you and everyone hates you because you are jerk, maybe instead of just thinking that one could think how to not be so much jerk and how at least try make someone else feel safe and happy. If no one else just try make yourself feel safe. Get some adults to talk to. And if you are being honest to yourself no one is truelly happy to see the world burn.. Okay Rocket Raccoon is gotten in so much deep in depression lane but even he enjoys more being friends and chilling than making everyone burn. Okay maybe bit roasting Quill but other than that.
I will do review about Endgame after most of people are seen it so I wont spoil anything. Hugs to all fellow Raccoonatics there! <3
Like in a way you are also ruining it for the film makers. They are telling us a story, and we are paying them to hear the story, and then if we know the story already we have no "need" to hear the story.
Also I think story is best told by the person who wrote it. Like have you guys listened Redwall audiobooks by Brian Jacques? Those are true masterpieces! Even Redwall is repeative as flarg the audiobooks are still pure art.
As someone got to hear one major spoiler on Twitch.tv's Pokemon stream before I realized that I definetely m better if I stay out of social media all together before I see the Endgame I just wanna slap everyone who enjoys spoiling the story and the mood from other people and ask if their own mother's did not love them enough so thay are feeling this empty void inside of them and they have this need to make others feel their pain and emptiness.
If you have issues with yourself be a nice sport and go to talk to a professional or someone over the internet who is willing to sacriface their own time to listen you cry. Be warned if you are a jerk and annoy people enough no one will want to be your friends or listen to you anymore.
I got to meet the latter situation with one of my ex-friends. Ya, you know I was posting weeks ago about this person who I tried to be friends with, but he was too lazy to be friendly back, "Alex". Well quess what. He ghosted someone else for a week, and when this person who got ghosted become bored and spoke to me this one person lets call him Alex because -I dont wanna tell any info about them- yelled at me that "How dared I speak to his friends!" and he was mad on me for getting nice and warm words from his friends. I was like hey I did send you multiple messages that this other person lets call her Pinja missed you. And he was like "I dont care. I can ghost people for weeks but if you talk to them you are the most annoying and mean person in the universe and I hate you."
I was like oki.. well then.
But yes, this incident made me realize how much there are people who has issue with their own self and they reflect in on the other people and drag the other people into mud with them. Please, if you feel sad and lonely or insecure about youreslf find some professional to talk with instead of either annoying or hurting, or both to the peopple over internet.
If you get hurt you still have no right to hurt other people back. By doing so you are just causing more people who suffer like you did. I can kinda understand this type behaviour from someone like Rocket Raccoon who literally had no one called family ever in his his life, but most of these kids who act the same, that they dont care a flarg about others, exept they enjoy people feeling as miserable as they do did in most case have at least some kind of family. I m not saying it was any good but it was a family. Still ya. I wish this Alex would realize that he cant act like Domina to every single person over the internet while being really cruel and uncaring about other people's feelings.
But ya. Here is my rant for now. I will do more later for sure. Now I gotta start getting ready for this one study class that I m taking about the End times. Whahaha.
Be blessed, and PLS if you are having a bad day dont reflect it back on others. You will just make everyone think you are asshat and really really mentally retarded and selfish jerk. And NO one wants to be friends with that. Yes, if you feel like no one loves you and everyone hates you because you are jerk, maybe instead of just thinking that one could think how to not be so much jerk and how at least try make someone else feel safe and happy. If no one else just try make yourself feel safe. Get some adults to talk to. And if you are being honest to yourself no one is truelly happy to see the world burn.. Okay Rocket Raccoon is gotten in so much deep in depression lane but even he enjoys more being friends and chilling than making everyone burn. Okay maybe bit roasting Quill but other than that.
I will do review about Endgame after most of people are seen it so I wont spoil anything. Hugs to all fellow Raccoonatics there! <3
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Nice girl vs Rocket raccoon
I've been taught how to be nice and polite. Always to smile and never cuss or swear to people.
ALWAYS when I know something can make someone happy I try to give it to them it being talking about certain anime with people all day long or playing some video games with people they wanna play. But them there is this new side of me, that I ve started calling "Getting full Rocket Raccoon mode on people". Suddenly I don't wanna talk about anime that other people like, suddenly I wanna play some video games that I enjoy the most.
I do know that most people do this by default, they are nice to themselves and put themselves at first. Me for the other hand has no skills on this. And Ive noticed that during my past people have taken hardly advance on this and used it agaist me. Flarg I almost got married with totally-not-ready-to-leave-his-mom-or-being-an-adult-and-taking-care-of-the-money-and-family type of guy because of this habit of mine. Like I get so sad when someone else is not happy and I give them my all to make them smile. I somehow use it as my own boost to tell the world that I m needed and I have the right to exist on this world. But it got to that point that this "momma's boy" who never had money to pay his own bills or never enough energy take care of his pet rabbit (not me but actual rabbit).. Heck he was too sleepy and lazy to come over to my place. And he was scared of my parents because they have tendency to yell a lot. And he was scared of his own shadow. Well as someone with panic attacks I learned that the same level I learned to go out with him and be brave middle of huge pile of humans on different cons and Book sale events he started to act more paniccy and scared. But the worst came when he started to sulk and mourn how I was not married with him and living with him and giving him sex. Well those who know me know that I felt during that time too young and too scared to do anything like that. But the natural reaction for me was to give in and say yes. But something stopped me.. And it made him even more sad. Well it end up we not being able not to even talk to each other anymore.
But ya. Lately I ve noticed that when pushed to my limits instead of quietly and nicely saying no I go full "Rocket Raccoon mode.." I sulk, cuss and tell people that I m fucking tired of making them happy 24/7.
At least one person has become confused and scared of me.. The "anime fanboy-guy", who only seems to be able to talk to me when if I talk with him about his fave anime. Othervise he is just sulking to me and being like "You are horrible person because you ask me to do such hard things as talking about something you might also being interested." Okay that was over extatured. But like they just told me the other day they wish that he could talk to me or do something with me that would make me happy. I tried begging him to play video games such as WOW with me and they went full "I dont want to talk to you! GO away" -mode.
This made my Rocket raccoon side go on full rage. For their good luck I did not go raging on them but it was so close I did not go tell them that if he thinks that he can go mute on me the instance I dare to suggest something I might like is super rude and I dont want to have anything to do with them. The worst part was I did that before and they totally were more ready to never to talk with me than doing something nice that we both might like.
On the other hand I really dont wanna loose a friend, but again I m starting to think that maybe this friendship is not on the healthy levels. I bet if he tries to read this he is surely going full rage on me about how I dare to talk about my feelings. He did stalk my Tumblr posts earlier on. Funny fact he is super suspicious on me stalking him even I know he is the one who stalks more. Actually I kinda hope he reads this so he knows that "I wanna be friends but I dont like when he goes ignorning me when ever I dont wanna talk about anime." And if it was all anime it would be good but he has really strict taste of anime. Only his fave 1980's series are good topic. Other is like "Meh I could never like them or get feelings out of those get them away from me." This happened when me and one of our friends suggested him a new anime to watch.
But yea. I m kinda worried about myself. Like I know its a good thing if I dont let people being boss of me and using me. But I'm kinda worried about those people. If I go snap on them and telling them they are sick bastards using me they are gonna feel super hurt because I know at least one person not doing stuff on purpose. I know he is the way he is because he never learned how to be a human, and on the other mode, When Im nice girl mode I wanna support him and be a friend. But sometimes when he has been shithead enough I've learned I go full Rocket raccoon mode and just wanna tell him straight how frustrated I'm.
The worst part maybe is that this person does not know how to teach himself to being better person. He believes he is the way he is and he cant learn. How to tell someone they can learn and being selfish and narcistic bossy shithead is not only option to live for?
I feel tired and scared that I only make their situation worse if I go on Rocket raccoon mode.
I ve decided to try being just me and trying to be nice on them untill I figure out what to do with them.
The good thing about me getting into Rocket raccoon mode I feel more brave and more adult than I never felt. I feel more me. During this persona taking somehow over me I feel more me. And I feel like I know what I want. But suddently as it appears it goes a way and Im again this nice girl who has zero idea what they wanna do with their lives.
What I want to do:
I wanna WRITE and talk with people online.
I wanna help people. Like the other people who has PTSD and depression like I do. I wanna be there for people and I wanna let people know that they arent alone. That Jesus died for them and that they are loved.
I also love creating new things, like art. Lately Ive have had horrible art blocks and writers blocks, but I managed to start Finnish GNG/Harry Potter AU Fanfic. Hahah. I know its not much but for me its its still something.
I just wish there was a way to me earn money doing this. I mean by writing stupid toughs on my head but I know that actually no one is interested on reading shit like this. But at the moment I dont even care. I ve used this blog as my super open- what-everyone-can-read-to Diary and place to put my feelings as long as I can remember.. also since I got nothing to hide I think its just okay if I keep posting my toughts here.
Also when I read my old posts and compared them to my newer posts I noticed once positive thing. I no longer write about how I wanna die. I still feel like I got no enery left time to time but this time I wanna live. I wanna live and show the world that Varjokani is here to stay and no one can stop me for being the silly old me.
Super scary tought. Im turning 25 this summer and I havent been doing anything useful for 4 years. It feels kinda scary. But at least at the moment I'm studying game making on online courses and at least I managed to get up this morning before 11am. I quess thinks are getting better. Just lets hope my Rocket racccon side wont desteroy my life.
ALWAYS when I know something can make someone happy I try to give it to them it being talking about certain anime with people all day long or playing some video games with people they wanna play. But them there is this new side of me, that I ve started calling "Getting full Rocket Raccoon mode on people". Suddenly I don't wanna talk about anime that other people like, suddenly I wanna play some video games that I enjoy the most.
I do know that most people do this by default, they are nice to themselves and put themselves at first. Me for the other hand has no skills on this. And Ive noticed that during my past people have taken hardly advance on this and used it agaist me. Flarg I almost got married with totally-not-ready-to-leave-his-mom-or-being-an-adult-and-taking-care-of-the-money-and-family type of guy because of this habit of mine. Like I get so sad when someone else is not happy and I give them my all to make them smile. I somehow use it as my own boost to tell the world that I m needed and I have the right to exist on this world. But it got to that point that this "momma's boy" who never had money to pay his own bills or never enough energy take care of his pet rabbit (not me but actual rabbit).. Heck he was too sleepy and lazy to come over to my place. And he was scared of my parents because they have tendency to yell a lot. And he was scared of his own shadow. Well as someone with panic attacks I learned that the same level I learned to go out with him and be brave middle of huge pile of humans on different cons and Book sale events he started to act more paniccy and scared. But the worst came when he started to sulk and mourn how I was not married with him and living with him and giving him sex. Well those who know me know that I felt during that time too young and too scared to do anything like that. But the natural reaction for me was to give in and say yes. But something stopped me.. And it made him even more sad. Well it end up we not being able not to even talk to each other anymore.
But ya. Lately I ve noticed that when pushed to my limits instead of quietly and nicely saying no I go full "Rocket Raccoon mode.." I sulk, cuss and tell people that I m fucking tired of making them happy 24/7.
At least one person has become confused and scared of me.. The "anime fanboy-guy", who only seems to be able to talk to me when if I talk with him about his fave anime. Othervise he is just sulking to me and being like "You are horrible person because you ask me to do such hard things as talking about something you might also being interested." Okay that was over extatured. But like they just told me the other day they wish that he could talk to me or do something with me that would make me happy. I tried begging him to play video games such as WOW with me and they went full "I dont want to talk to you! GO away" -mode.
This made my Rocket raccoon side go on full rage. For their good luck I did not go raging on them but it was so close I did not go tell them that if he thinks that he can go mute on me the instance I dare to suggest something I might like is super rude and I dont want to have anything to do with them. The worst part was I did that before and they totally were more ready to never to talk with me than doing something nice that we both might like.
On the other hand I really dont wanna loose a friend, but again I m starting to think that maybe this friendship is not on the healthy levels. I bet if he tries to read this he is surely going full rage on me about how I dare to talk about my feelings. He did stalk my Tumblr posts earlier on. Funny fact he is super suspicious on me stalking him even I know he is the one who stalks more. Actually I kinda hope he reads this so he knows that "I wanna be friends but I dont like when he goes ignorning me when ever I dont wanna talk about anime." And if it was all anime it would be good but he has really strict taste of anime. Only his fave 1980's series are good topic. Other is like "Meh I could never like them or get feelings out of those get them away from me." This happened when me and one of our friends suggested him a new anime to watch.
But yea. I m kinda worried about myself. Like I know its a good thing if I dont let people being boss of me and using me. But I'm kinda worried about those people. If I go snap on them and telling them they are sick bastards using me they are gonna feel super hurt because I know at least one person not doing stuff on purpose. I know he is the way he is because he never learned how to be a human, and on the other mode, When Im nice girl mode I wanna support him and be a friend. But sometimes when he has been shithead enough I've learned I go full Rocket raccoon mode and just wanna tell him straight how frustrated I'm.
The worst part maybe is that this person does not know how to teach himself to being better person. He believes he is the way he is and he cant learn. How to tell someone they can learn and being selfish and narcistic bossy shithead is not only option to live for?
I feel tired and scared that I only make their situation worse if I go on Rocket raccoon mode.
I ve decided to try being just me and trying to be nice on them untill I figure out what to do with them.
The good thing about me getting into Rocket raccoon mode I feel more brave and more adult than I never felt. I feel more me. During this persona taking somehow over me I feel more me. And I feel like I know what I want. But suddently as it appears it goes a way and Im again this nice girl who has zero idea what they wanna do with their lives.
What I want to do:
I wanna WRITE and talk with people online.
I wanna help people. Like the other people who has PTSD and depression like I do. I wanna be there for people and I wanna let people know that they arent alone. That Jesus died for them and that they are loved.
I also love creating new things, like art. Lately Ive have had horrible art blocks and writers blocks, but I managed to start Finnish GNG/Harry Potter AU Fanfic. Hahah. I know its not much but for me its its still something.
I just wish there was a way to me earn money doing this. I mean by writing stupid toughs on my head but I know that actually no one is interested on reading shit like this. But at the moment I dont even care. I ve used this blog as my super open- what-everyone-can-read-to Diary and place to put my feelings as long as I can remember.. also since I got nothing to hide I think its just okay if I keep posting my toughts here.
Also when I read my old posts and compared them to my newer posts I noticed once positive thing. I no longer write about how I wanna die. I still feel like I got no enery left time to time but this time I wanna live. I wanna live and show the world that Varjokani is here to stay and no one can stop me for being the silly old me.
Super scary tought. Im turning 25 this summer and I havent been doing anything useful for 4 years. It feels kinda scary. But at least at the moment I'm studying game making on online courses and at least I managed to get up this morning before 11am. I quess thinks are getting better. Just lets hope my Rocket racccon side wont desteroy my life.
Being nice
"Dat feels" and the amount of confusion when you have been trying to "be nice" and talk with someone about stuff they like. And when you dare to suggest them something that you would like to do, like playing your favorite video game together, and you tell them that you think they could enjoy it too they suddenly say to you that they dont want you to "Distract" them or "Talk to them" at all. Yes I can understand if people dont wanna talk with people all the time. But when it goes like "Hi you are allowed to talk about stuff I love and like but you dare to suggest something you like I m not talking to you." I m starting to think that this "friendship" is getting way more toxic than good friendships should. .. and yet I feel like I kinda wanna talk with these people..
And I m scared that they feel hurt or sad because of me. I've been talking with my terapeut lately and she told me that I m "too nice," and I should start thinking what I want and I should dare to be selfish. Somehow I m scared that I might hurt someone else in the progress if I start going full selfish mode.
I will be tring to being in clear middle-lane in between. But somehow I feel like that one person is on purpose making me feel bad if I dare to ask them something or tell them that I would love to do something with them that I would like to do. Worst part is that they themselves tell me that they want to be my friend, but dont have anything in their mind what they could do to spend time with me. But they sure say no to 99% to my ideas.
All I've learned that only way they feel happy is if I talk with them about stuff what they are currently being greatest fans of. Like tv-series that they like. Meh.
I feel like torn apart in between thinking maybe I should be more demanding on them, and tell them that if they wanna be my friend they should do something that I wanna do. Instead of me just going on pleasing about them and talking about their interest.
And like if I tell them I feel tired about talking the same topic and ask them to talk about something else I get the cold treatment and them being compeletely silent and cold towards me claiming "They dont wish to hurt me but they just dont have imagination or idea what to talk about." When I suggest them to talk about stuff I like like raccoons and rabbits they be like "Oh I dont know what I could say or talk abou those." When I suggest them to watch my fave movies etc they say "Maybe someday but I m just too busy watching my own series on re-run".. And I m like Okaaay.
Bah. The worst part is that they are so cute and innocent and cry a lot if I get on mean Rocket Raccoon mode on them. I think I might post more about my Rocket raccoon mode here.
And I m scared that they feel hurt or sad because of me. I've been talking with my terapeut lately and she told me that I m "too nice," and I should start thinking what I want and I should dare to be selfish. Somehow I m scared that I might hurt someone else in the progress if I start going full selfish mode.
I will be tring to being in clear middle-lane in between. But somehow I feel like that one person is on purpose making me feel bad if I dare to ask them something or tell them that I would love to do something with them that I would like to do. Worst part is that they themselves tell me that they want to be my friend, but dont have anything in their mind what they could do to spend time with me. But they sure say no to 99% to my ideas.
All I've learned that only way they feel happy is if I talk with them about stuff what they are currently being greatest fans of. Like tv-series that they like. Meh.
I feel like torn apart in between thinking maybe I should be more demanding on them, and tell them that if they wanna be my friend they should do something that I wanna do. Instead of me just going on pleasing about them and talking about their interest.
And like if I tell them I feel tired about talking the same topic and ask them to talk about something else I get the cold treatment and them being compeletely silent and cold towards me claiming "They dont wish to hurt me but they just dont have imagination or idea what to talk about." When I suggest them to talk about stuff I like like raccoons and rabbits they be like "Oh I dont know what I could say or talk abou those." When I suggest them to watch my fave movies etc they say "Maybe someday but I m just too busy watching my own series on re-run".. And I m like Okaaay.
Bah. The worst part is that they are so cute and innocent and cry a lot if I get on mean Rocket Raccoon mode on them. I think I might post more about my Rocket raccoon mode here.
Monday, March 4, 2019
Sunday, March 3, 2019
Meep bark
A week back I learned that there is gonna be a new Ginga Nagareboshi Gin themed drama show in Japan at June. Since I was huge fan of Finnish fan made musical I got interested enough to join into Finnish GNG themed forum to talk about it.
For my bad forums seem to be dying technology now days. The forum is so dead. Like only two people talking in that forum is me and one of other person plus the admins checking the site once or twice the day and saying hello. Its really sad for someone who has grown up with forums.
I dunno. Somehow I enjoy writing and talking with people online. In forum you can mix these things together and do both at once.
Only thing bothering me at the moment is that the reason forum is empty is that I joined there. The old phobia of humans hating me strikes again. But not every single GNG fan from Finland can hate me can they?
Yes I know I need more self trust and more positive additude. I started to write a parody fanfic on the page half a a week ago and it already has "post read 504 times." so I quess that someone out there must enjoy it. I also started a new rp on forum in hopes of getting someone to rp with me.
For my job situation the things are still the same, no job. But I've started slowly studying how to use Unity. I used Humble Pundle coding course from Zenva academy. I actually should be doing my home works from that site but I m being as any student who does not have deadline.. Avoiding it till get inspiration to do them.
For my bad forums seem to be dying technology now days. The forum is so dead. Like only two people talking in that forum is me and one of other person plus the admins checking the site once or twice the day and saying hello. Its really sad for someone who has grown up with forums.
I dunno. Somehow I enjoy writing and talking with people online. In forum you can mix these things together and do both at once.
Only thing bothering me at the moment is that the reason forum is empty is that I joined there. The old phobia of humans hating me strikes again. But not every single GNG fan from Finland can hate me can they?
Yes I know I need more self trust and more positive additude. I started to write a parody fanfic on the page half a a week ago and it already has "post read 504 times." so I quess that someone out there must enjoy it. I also started a new rp on forum in hopes of getting someone to rp with me.
For my job situation the things are still the same, no job. But I've started slowly studying how to use Unity. I used Humble Pundle coding course from Zenva academy. I actually should be doing my home works from that site but I m being as any student who does not have deadline.. Avoiding it till get inspiration to do them.
Friday, March 1, 2019
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
Angst
Voi vattuuuu. Menin puolvahingos avautuu yhelle forkalle jos ei ollu ees tarkotus käydä. Pitäs melkee poistaa toi sielt mut sit taas toisaalt haluun vaa itkee jonku sylissä.
I have been taking depression/panic attack meds since 2011. And I thinkt those are doing this to me. I feel so emty and dead inside. I feel so bored but I got no energy to get up from the bed in the morning. I m worried about myself. I keep wishing that tomorrow is a new and better day But I m worried how long I can keep this going. I mean I do have friends and I should be happy. But somewhat I feel so lonely and alone. And bored. Mostly bored. Maybe If I try go to sleep early and wake up early and take my meds like smart person I would be better tomorrow.
Mut täs mun ranttaus viel tänneki: "
Mulla itsellä ollut masennuslääkitys vuodesta 2011, ja masennuksen sain jo ala-asteella alkaneen kiusaamisen takia. Nyt on ollu vuoristorataa tän adhdn kanssa. Välillä tosi onnellinen ja välillä tosi surullinen. Lääkkeet siis paniikkihäiriöön/masennukseen, ja adhdseen. Välillä tekis mieli vaa luovuttaa ja kuolla pois. Ja sit esim tällä hetkellä jotenki tyhjä ja yksinäinen olo. Ja sit ku en jostai syystä oo jaksanu ottaa adhd-lääkkeitä ni sellane olo ettei jaksa eikä huvita tehdä mitään muutaku chattaa jostain jonku kaa. Ja tänä iltana taas iski sellane voimattomuuden ja väsymyyden tunne. En tiedä mitä tekis. Ei jaksa ees nousta aamulla. Juu mä lupasin ittelleni etten alkais purkaa tääl heti mun ongelmii mut sit huomasin tän aihealueen tääl ja ajattelin et ku tääl ei ketää oo hereil kuitenka varmaa tähän aikaan joka tän lukis ni voin iha hyvin purkaa tänne.
Mut on siis adoptoitu pienenä ja siit tullu joku hylkäämisreaktio jonka johdosta mul on suoranainen pakkomielle kelvata aina ja kaikille ja olla kaikkien kaveri. Sit saan siit kauheet paineet ja paniikin jos joku random tyyppi kadulla ym vihaa minua. Tai jos joku kaverin kaveri ei pidä musta. Saatan koko päivän miettii miks joku random tyyppi ei pidä musta ja sit en uskalla alottaa mitään ku pelkään et mua inhotaan jo valmiiks. Siitä syystä en uskalla myöskä alottaa seurustelua. Seurustelin pari vuotta takaperin mut se katkes siihen et mä en ollut valmis menee naimisiin. Nyt oon tajunnu et se ihmissuhde oli mulle vaan haitallinen mut silti mun aivois joku on niksahtanu ja oon sillei "Tämä ihminen lupasi suojella ja olla aina läsnä muttei ollu".. ja nyt kauhee kynnys ees mennä puhumaan kenellekä siin mieles et alkais seurusteleen.
Ja jotenki va sellane olo et oispa vaa joku harrastus joka ei vaatis aivotyöskentelyy. Niinku esim kirjoittaminen tai piirtäminen. Mut täl hetkel kukaan ei oo palkannu mua kumpaankaan. Ja joo mä oon aika varma et nyt jos ees yritän alkaa lukee tätä mun vuodatusta tääl ni kadun sitä ja poistan sen. Et ehk oon vaan tyhmä ja lähetän tän ennenku kadun. Mut ni kiitti ku sain avautuu. Mut niinku iha ittee pelottaa ku en saa mitään aikaiseks enkä jaksa tehä mitään hyödyllistä. Ja sit välil must tuntuu et oisin iha eri ihminen enkä tunne itteeni. Tai sillee. Välil tekee mieli vaa vihata kaikkea ja koen hirveet epäluottamust kaikkea kohtaan ja välil haluun juosta halii ekaa vastaantulijaa. Mut just tän epäluuloisuuden ja vihan takii koen etten koskaan pysty enää rakastuu kehenkä silleen et luottaisin tarpeeks viettääkseni loppuelämäni kenenkä kaa."
Mut on siis adoptoitu pienenä ja siit tullu joku hylkäämisreaktio jonka johdosta mul on suoranainen pakkomielle kelvata aina ja kaikille ja olla kaikkien kaveri. Sit saan siit kauheet paineet ja paniikin jos joku random tyyppi kadulla ym vihaa minua. Tai jos joku kaverin kaveri ei pidä musta. Saatan koko päivän miettii miks joku random tyyppi ei pidä musta ja sit en uskalla alottaa mitään ku pelkään et mua inhotaan jo valmiiks. Siitä syystä en uskalla myöskä alottaa seurustelua. Seurustelin pari vuotta takaperin mut se katkes siihen et mä en ollut valmis menee naimisiin. Nyt oon tajunnu et se ihmissuhde oli mulle vaan haitallinen mut silti mun aivois joku on niksahtanu ja oon sillei "Tämä ihminen lupasi suojella ja olla aina läsnä muttei ollu".. ja nyt kauhee kynnys ees mennä puhumaan kenellekä siin mieles et alkais seurusteleen.
Ja jotenki va sellane olo et oispa vaa joku harrastus joka ei vaatis aivotyöskentelyy. Niinku esim kirjoittaminen tai piirtäminen. Mut täl hetkel kukaan ei oo palkannu mua kumpaankaan. Ja joo mä oon aika varma et nyt jos ees yritän alkaa lukee tätä mun vuodatusta tääl ni kadun sitä ja poistan sen. Et ehk oon vaan tyhmä ja lähetän tän ennenku kadun. Mut ni kiitti ku sain avautuu. Mut niinku iha ittee pelottaa ku en saa mitään aikaiseks enkä jaksa tehä mitään hyödyllistä. Ja sit välil must tuntuu et oisin iha eri ihminen enkä tunne itteeni. Tai sillee. Välil tekee mieli vaa vihata kaikkea ja koen hirveet epäluottamust kaikkea kohtaan ja välil haluun juosta halii ekaa vastaantulijaa. Mut just tän epäluuloisuuden ja vihan takii koen etten koskaan pysty enää rakastuu kehenkä silleen et luottaisin tarpeeks viettääkseni loppuelämäni kenenkä kaa."
Mul jotenki iha tolkuttoman väsy ja itkunen ja turta olo. Sillei et tekis vaa mieli mököttää kattoo kaikkii ihmisii sillei semi-vihasesti.
//
Soo that was my rant in Finnish I quess since I ve been keeping this blog in English I could rant in English also. Soo yeaa I ve been bullied as a child and I ve been adopted so thats maybe why I got such strong "Mandatory" to be friend and loved by everyone. Because I ve been dumped once by my mom at very yong age. That kind of lifestyle is damn rough to live. Always needing to be accepted by everyone. Okay maybe it was easier if I was not as strongly talktive and hyper active person who has tendancy to make people feel annoyed. Atm I had infection wich caused me to not to go to sleep early nor not to wake up early. I think that is why I feel horrible atm.
Soo that was my rant in Finnish I quess since I ve been keeping this blog in English I could rant in English also. Soo yeaa I ve been bullied as a child and I ve been adopted so thats maybe why I got such strong "Mandatory" to be friend and loved by everyone. Because I ve been dumped once by my mom at very yong age. That kind of lifestyle is damn rough to live. Always needing to be accepted by everyone. Okay maybe it was easier if I was not as strongly talktive and hyper active person who has tendancy to make people feel annoyed. Atm I had infection wich caused me to not to go to sleep early nor not to wake up early. I think that is why I feel horrible atm.
I have been taking depression/panic attack meds since 2011. And I thinkt those are doing this to me. I feel so emty and dead inside. I feel so bored but I got no energy to get up from the bed in the morning. I m worried about myself. I keep wishing that tomorrow is a new and better day But I m worried how long I can keep this going. I mean I do have friends and I should be happy. But somewhat I feel so lonely and alone. And bored. Mostly bored. Maybe If I try go to sleep early and wake up early and take my meds like smart person I would be better tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
Yawn
Hello again. Ya I havent posted here every day as I kinda promised myself. Appearently the new melatonine I got works. Ive been using something called Sleep aid - Oral melatonin spray. After I got it I had to move to the study for couple of days since my bed was broken. Okay it has been broken for years but finally my mom noticed it and told dad. And instead of buying me new bed dad decided to fix the old one. Yay?
And I m finally back at my own room and I can write. Soo Ive been stuck at Netflix couple of last days. Ive noticed that I love to watch crime drama like Lucifer and Grimm.
Also I managed to spend lot of money because I bought myself a new laptop. Yes I did have laptop for gaming but its keyboard is broken and I had to have separate keyboard with it when ever I used it on gaming parties. I also have my "typewriter" laptop that I m currently using for blogging but this thing cant run games. Okay It can run Sims 1 and Sims 2 but never games? Nope. Also it has Windows 23 bit so it cant run WOW. Even the game would othervise work fine on it. Also this one has small memory. 123Gt so I cant put games like Elderscrolls Online on it. So yea. I have new gaming laptop for wlan parties. Yay. Only problem is now that I gotta save even more for my own dream house. Yes I do intend to move out eventually but I want a decent house and I want to be sure I dont get my ears on dept the minute I move out.
That is why I live with my parents and keep saving for better flat. I m also looking for job. But so far no luck on getting anyone needing something like me.
I find I m bit nervous about it but Ive also learned that I avoid everything that gives me slight reason to panic and instead I spend my days sleeping and forgetting that panic even exist. I dunno. It has been like this for 3 years now. I think its time to me to stop avoiding panic. Even it might mean I would get hard core panic attacks again. Damn. I wish I did not have my PTSD. But then I would not be me. Even at the moment I dont even know "what" me is. Like I feel like I dont even know myself anymore. I feel comfused and scared of everything. And I dont know what I want an d I dont even know who I'm.
And I m finally back at my own room and I can write. Soo Ive been stuck at Netflix couple of last days. Ive noticed that I love to watch crime drama like Lucifer and Grimm.
Also I managed to spend lot of money because I bought myself a new laptop. Yes I did have laptop for gaming but its keyboard is broken and I had to have separate keyboard with it when ever I used it on gaming parties. I also have my "typewriter" laptop that I m currently using for blogging but this thing cant run games. Okay It can run Sims 1 and Sims 2 but never games? Nope. Also it has Windows 23 bit so it cant run WOW. Even the game would othervise work fine on it. Also this one has small memory. 123Gt so I cant put games like Elderscrolls Online on it. So yea. I have new gaming laptop for wlan parties. Yay. Only problem is now that I gotta save even more for my own dream house. Yes I do intend to move out eventually but I want a decent house and I want to be sure I dont get my ears on dept the minute I move out.
That is why I live with my parents and keep saving for better flat. I m also looking for job. But so far no luck on getting anyone needing something like me.
I find I m bit nervous about it but Ive also learned that I avoid everything that gives me slight reason to panic and instead I spend my days sleeping and forgetting that panic even exist. I dunno. It has been like this for 3 years now. I think its time to me to stop avoiding panic. Even it might mean I would get hard core panic attacks again. Damn. I wish I did not have my PTSD. But then I would not be me. Even at the moment I dont even know "what" me is. Like I feel like I dont even know myself anymore. I feel comfused and scared of everything. And I dont know what I want an d I dont even know who I'm.
Friday, January 18, 2019
Fail
And it seems I failed again. I did not even try to go to sleep after tea, but I tough if I would manage to stay up till morning I could fix the shitty sleeping schedule. I managed to stay awake till 7am and I fell a sleep. Nice. It would have been nice if I would have the ability to relax and fall a sleep like a normal person. Funny I think the reason Im not aböe to relax is that Im scared that my bed breaks even more and I fall and hurt myself. I got awoken by my mom and she was pissed since Ive managed to drop the wrist holder I loaned from her from my improved night desk to under my bed. She also managed to find my left sock that I dropped when I finally fell a sleep. Worst is that she thanks I drop stuff under my bed while in sleep on purpose to annoy her. Sorry for typos. Im on my way to my theraphy and Im using my phone wich loves to put commas in weird places.
And for some reason I have an other problem
I've been lots of self studying lately. Like trying to get to know me and learning who I'm and what I'm good at. One thing I appearently suck at is falling a sleep. I've noticed that meanwhile some humans can decide to calm down and fall a sleep in an instant I cant do that. Okay sometimes when I have been doing something whole day I can fall a sleep but that happens usually when my body is tired. But like normally I just fall a sleep when I'm tired and wake up when I'm not tired. Now the problem is that since I've not have been anything useful today, in fact I slept till noon today I have hard time falling a sleep. I tried watching Netflix, and at the moment I have horrible headache ( I tried to take painkillers) but I m still unanble to relax or sleep. I tried listening to music yesteday for same problem. But I was still awake at 5:30 when my dad left for work. And I managed to fall a sleep after 6 am..
I really need to since I got therapy session tomorrow and I gotta be cheery and functional human being tomorrow. But somehow I feel like falling a part while trying to figure out what I m doing with my life. Or okay maybe I can also say that one thing that makes me tired of it is that I've been trying to avoid to decide what to do with my life.. for several years now. The fact is I m scared of change. And the unknown. I m scard I might be hurt. Till the point Im scared to go outside. I can go to the yard and the forest but I find them dull. But I m too scared that I mess úp with buss schedules and end up needing to take a taxi home and making my mom mad at me for it.
I really wish I was more brave and more able to do stuff. But the constant fear of failure and getting lost really bothers me. In a way it chains me to the wall and I feel useless. I try to tell myself that I m not useless but I feel like Im lying to myself. Then I gather people around me that I try to encourage and help when I can not even help myself. I need people to help around me to not feel useless. I need to feel needed. But at the same time I get mad on people for needing me. I dont know what I want.
I've watched some tutorials on Youtube how to fall a sleep but I've come into conclusion that my brains just must work differentely from all other humans because I can't decide when I fall a sleep. Like at all. Same way I have zero control if I start daydreaming during the day. I've trained my mind into the point where I can go to class and work like a normal person and after doing work I manage to fall a sleep at the evening. I even can do daily naps after work. But now since I got nothing to do I cant fall a sleep when I need. This is starting to become a serious problem and I don't like it for one bit. I wanna fall a sleep but my brains act like there was hamster running a hamsterwheel inside my head.
Then again when I was supposed to do something progressive it feels like my brains were took of by this drunken raccoon who has not slept in a year. Oh flark I hate myself. I wish I could just fall a sleep. But nooo....
I really need to since I got therapy session tomorrow and I gotta be cheery and functional human being tomorrow. But somehow I feel like falling a part while trying to figure out what I m doing with my life. Or okay maybe I can also say that one thing that makes me tired of it is that I've been trying to avoid to decide what to do with my life.. for several years now. The fact is I m scared of change. And the unknown. I m scard I might be hurt. Till the point Im scared to go outside. I can go to the yard and the forest but I find them dull. But I m too scared that I mess úp with buss schedules and end up needing to take a taxi home and making my mom mad at me for it.
I really wish I was more brave and more able to do stuff. But the constant fear of failure and getting lost really bothers me. In a way it chains me to the wall and I feel useless. I try to tell myself that I m not useless but I feel like Im lying to myself. Then I gather people around me that I try to encourage and help when I can not even help myself. I need people to help around me to not feel useless. I need to feel needed. But at the same time I get mad on people for needing me. I dont know what I want.
Okay I do think I know what I want. I want a space raccoon to come and save me and snuggle me but that is not gonna happen. Lol. And I think maybe its a good thing. Because I really m not so keen on getting abducted by the demons or aliens wich I believe are the one and same bunch of the fallen angels. I really dont want anything to do with that bunch. What I want is someone would hire me to being a writer or illustrator. But then again I find myself lost because I keep thinking that "Im bad at it." so I notice that I really dont have to courage to apply for anything or advertise myself. And that is a big problem on creative lifestyle. One should have be the courage to advertise themselves to get clients. But I dont even know what I want to do. I wanna write stuff and draw.. But I feel unsure if I'm good on neither of them. And I kinda hope someone could help me out with this. But like I talked with my friends in real life about this. Rocket Raccoons dont exsist. I gotta figure out this myself. I m not getting any miracle husband dropped out from the sky to save my sorry ass from this mess. And seriously if someone would drop from sky I would hit them with something hard and scream and run. But like I feel like I should advertize my writing skills even they are shitty as flark. But I dont know anyone who would need a writer. Or how to apply. Is it just like "Hello, my name is Varjokani. I love to write stuff even I do dozen of spelling errors and grammar errors. Would you like to hire me to your blog/magazine/whatsoever?" Or "Hello, I can kinda draw but my art is sketchy as flark because I have bad skills pls hire me." Ya. I know I have to keep practicing before anyone is willing to take me. But I kinda wish I knew what I wanted.
At the moment I feel like I just need to keep doing self analyzing and since I m way too lazy to keep diary on my computer that I might accidently install or destroy when installing games to my computer I decided to keep writing stuff here. No one is gonna read this anyways so I think its pretty okay to me to do all self study here. And if by miracle someone ends up reading this even years after I wanna tell you "Hello. I was Varjokani. I like rabbits and raccoons and I have depression. Wanna be friends?" Okay that sounded creepy. I dont think anyone should be my friend. I m childish and and super annoying. And no one should defienetely date me because only men I need in my life are Jesus and Rocket raccoon. They are two I cant possibly hurt or annoy. Because like I said I m super annoying person. And super lazy. Like I should be a sleep but somehow I felt like writing and here we go again. I ve been writing nonsense again like for half an hour. Hahha. And I somehow feel that I can't stop. I feel like this weir fire burning inside me that makes me feel happy and safe. And like I was doing something useful. What a lie I know. Writing this down is not useful. Or maybe it is for future. But I'm kinda person who wants to see the effects right away. Not after dozen of years. But ya. I got lot to learn from Jesus. He has been waiting far more longer than I have. And I m almost certain he must feel super annoyed after waiting. But then again he is God and he got better nerves than I do. He loves as all even how much we fuck up in life. All we gotta do is pray for forgiveness and pray for help. I've been praying for something to do with my life and I m still waiting the sign. And at the moment I feel like if I ve managed to wait for so long I can wait bit longer. I got nothing to loose. I think. Maybe I have. But I m way too depressed to think abou that so I think Im just gonna send this rant to be public on my blog and go drink some tea and hug my stuffed raccoon plushie and drink some tea. I might even try to sleep after it.
-Varjokani
Thursday, January 17, 2019
And I think I might have a slight problem..
Our water has iron on it and I tried to wash my glasses with it. And now my glasses has this smokey effecty dirt on it that is not going away. Oh god I m so flarked. I just got these and I dont wanna pay for other 600 euros for new ones.
And yes I got glasses since appearently I have bad eye sight. And really dry eyes. And my eye sight keep switching. Sometimes I m not sure if I see anything with glasses or not. Like I can read but my field of vision is really small and I'm kinda worried about. Ya. I m kinda of a person who worries a lot and usually makes everything into big deal and deal big enough to freeze and have panic attack about.
But at this moment I just wanna scream and panic because Ive managed to ruin my glasses with normal water. okay our water. It tastes like blood even it goes trough sand filter to get rid of the most of the iron on it. Also my bed is broken. It has been for years but Im suddenly feeling like maybe I dont wanna sleep fearing to break up on bed splitting up on the middle. Already happened couple of times. Ive have had this bed since I was 4. My Grandfather made it for me. He used to be a woodworker. He also made my parents's bed and other furnitures in the house.
But ya. Its 1:04 am so maybe I should just stop worrying and go to sleep.
But then there is this question. How does one just shut their brains down and stops worrying?
My brains lack that function. I really sometimes would love to have to have my head scanned lol.
Maybe I m gonna just try watch bad movies from Netflix untill I fall a sleep or listen something from Spotify.
I try start updating daily because I kinda like writing. Ya I know no one is never gonna read this shit that I type here but I m not typing this so people would read it. Okay maybe I wish that was the case. But mostly I m just typing stuff here to clear my own head and making myself something to look back and cry later on.
Funny thing I read my old posts and found couple really suicidal ones. I've really been deep down in the hole. Somehow I still feel like I m in the hole but lately Ive been avoiding of going outside or doing anything that would upset me. Maybe that is a good thing. Or maybe it is not. One thing is clearly a bad sign because I keep dreaming about Rocket Raccoon and kissing him and stuff. That is definetely a bad sign. Or I dunno. I suppose us girls are built to want make a happy family but I just want to go hug and kiss Rocket and hide and snuggle him on some corner and watch as the world destroys itself. I just wanna be cute and cuddly with him. I know I m crazy. He is not even real. Oh gosh I really at least fast read this and edit all stupid shit like this away so I would not regret it later. But you know what. I m stupid. And I m gonna let this here so I can regret it later. I dunno if I even live long enough to regret it. I mean. I got eye glasses now. I feel like 100 years old granny who just sits home and waits the welcome death.
And yes I got glasses since appearently I have bad eye sight. And really dry eyes. And my eye sight keep switching. Sometimes I m not sure if I see anything with glasses or not. Like I can read but my field of vision is really small and I'm kinda worried about. Ya. I m kinda of a person who worries a lot and usually makes everything into big deal and deal big enough to freeze and have panic attack about.
But at this moment I just wanna scream and panic because Ive managed to ruin my glasses with normal water. okay our water. It tastes like blood even it goes trough sand filter to get rid of the most of the iron on it. Also my bed is broken. It has been for years but Im suddenly feeling like maybe I dont wanna sleep fearing to break up on bed splitting up on the middle. Already happened couple of times. Ive have had this bed since I was 4. My Grandfather made it for me. He used to be a woodworker. He also made my parents's bed and other furnitures in the house.
But ya. Its 1:04 am so maybe I should just stop worrying and go to sleep.
But then there is this question. How does one just shut their brains down and stops worrying?
My brains lack that function. I really sometimes would love to have to have my head scanned lol.
Maybe I m gonna just try watch bad movies from Netflix untill I fall a sleep or listen something from Spotify.
I try start updating daily because I kinda like writing. Ya I know no one is never gonna read this shit that I type here but I m not typing this so people would read it. Okay maybe I wish that was the case. But mostly I m just typing stuff here to clear my own head and making myself something to look back and cry later on.
Funny thing I read my old posts and found couple really suicidal ones. I've really been deep down in the hole. Somehow I still feel like I m in the hole but lately Ive been avoiding of going outside or doing anything that would upset me. Maybe that is a good thing. Or maybe it is not. One thing is clearly a bad sign because I keep dreaming about Rocket Raccoon and kissing him and stuff. That is definetely a bad sign. Or I dunno. I suppose us girls are built to want make a happy family but I just want to go hug and kiss Rocket and hide and snuggle him on some corner and watch as the world destroys itself. I just wanna be cute and cuddly with him. I know I m crazy. He is not even real. Oh gosh I really at least fast read this and edit all stupid shit like this away so I would not regret it later. But you know what. I m stupid. And I m gonna let this here so I can regret it later. I dunno if I even live long enough to regret it. I mean. I got eye glasses now. I feel like 100 years old granny who just sits home and waits the welcome death.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
What was I supposed to say here again.. I got lost.
So after watching Netflix about cute girls who type their inner mind into the thext and look cute while doing it I somehow got inspiration to start writing myself. Stupid. I know. Well I supposed you all knew I was stupid already but if not congraz!
So at the moment Im looking for a job or a place to study.. Or "looking" because I spend most of my time sleeping in bed and snuggling my stuffed pet animals and thinking what kind of job I would like to have.
At the moment I ve decided that I want either draw or write, but about what I wanna do art or text I have zero idea. I could always re-try vlogging and start streaming on Twitch.tv more often but I doupt I could get enough money for it for living. And yes. Money. Funny thing that since I tried to buy food for me and one of my friend independently for a week I learned how much living costs money. Too much for my liking.. And then there is this stupied thing that when before I could not eat even or feel hungry even while treated with a shot gun now I feel hungry with no end.. Untill I thow over on parking lot on snowstorm during the winter shoppings. Ya. That happened. I was on town with my mom and we went to the see The Snowman on the movies with live orchester. Then we decided to eat some chinese. And for some reason my body not only have lost the ability to tell me when I m hungry it never tells me when I m full. When old days I used to keep myself "I feel like I need food right now" mood and keep having melt downs and panic attacks over everything I now have ended up eating too much. I only threw up once tough. But ya. Now I keep thinking like seriously? What I m gonna do with my life? Ya. My boss retried during the Christmas and closed his company so I m in a need of a new job. Or place to study. Ive applied for couple gaming project shcools but I havent gotten as far as getting an interview yet from any of them.
Slowly I feel the panic to rise up on me since I know my parents cant keep keeping me as their pet for ever. Atm they give me food and place to stay and think. But my mom already told me if dad retires or dies we two will have to move away from here. And I dont like that idea for one bit. This has always been my home since I got adopted as 1 years old from Russia. A first place to call home, and a safe spot for bullies. I ve been bullied a lot because I used to be that super annoying and talktive kiddo who never shut up and wanting to be friends with everyone. I saw Mowgli the movie the other day and the dog charachter called Booth hit me too hard and too close. I used to be annoying like that and no one liked me. I m unsure tough if its any good that nowdays I act up like some Rocket Raccoon from MCU who is too tired of pleasing humans to give a crap about what people think about her. I usually tend to stay home away from humans so I wont annoy anyone by accidents. Luckily I have awesome friends irl who know who Im. They always give me a hug and even they dont know it they mean a world to me. They are my world. I just hope I would figure out what to do with my life before I get an other panicky melt down and start to be too scared to even try.. Okay who m I kidding. I ve been too scared to go out and try anything for years. Last 3 months Ive had just "lucky" since I got this horrible flu and troath ache that activates the second I try extersizing or going outside. Ive been have granted the perfect alibi to stay indoors away from humans that I m so scared of.
So at the moment Im looking for a job or a place to study.. Or "looking" because I spend most of my time sleeping in bed and snuggling my stuffed pet animals and thinking what kind of job I would like to have.
At the moment I ve decided that I want either draw or write, but about what I wanna do art or text I have zero idea. I could always re-try vlogging and start streaming on Twitch.tv more often but I doupt I could get enough money for it for living. And yes. Money. Funny thing that since I tried to buy food for me and one of my friend independently for a week I learned how much living costs money. Too much for my liking.. And then there is this stupied thing that when before I could not eat even or feel hungry even while treated with a shot gun now I feel hungry with no end.. Untill I thow over on parking lot on snowstorm during the winter shoppings. Ya. That happened. I was on town with my mom and we went to the see The Snowman on the movies with live orchester. Then we decided to eat some chinese. And for some reason my body not only have lost the ability to tell me when I m hungry it never tells me when I m full. When old days I used to keep myself "I feel like I need food right now" mood and keep having melt downs and panic attacks over everything I now have ended up eating too much. I only threw up once tough. But ya. Now I keep thinking like seriously? What I m gonna do with my life? Ya. My boss retried during the Christmas and closed his company so I m in a need of a new job. Or place to study. Ive applied for couple gaming project shcools but I havent gotten as far as getting an interview yet from any of them.
Slowly I feel the panic to rise up on me since I know my parents cant keep keeping me as their pet for ever. Atm they give me food and place to stay and think. But my mom already told me if dad retires or dies we two will have to move away from here. And I dont like that idea for one bit. This has always been my home since I got adopted as 1 years old from Russia. A first place to call home, and a safe spot for bullies. I ve been bullied a lot because I used to be that super annoying and talktive kiddo who never shut up and wanting to be friends with everyone. I saw Mowgli the movie the other day and the dog charachter called Booth hit me too hard and too close. I used to be annoying like that and no one liked me. I m unsure tough if its any good that nowdays I act up like some Rocket Raccoon from MCU who is too tired of pleasing humans to give a crap about what people think about her. I usually tend to stay home away from humans so I wont annoy anyone by accidents. Luckily I have awesome friends irl who know who Im. They always give me a hug and even they dont know it they mean a world to me. They are my world. I just hope I would figure out what to do with my life before I get an other panicky melt down and start to be too scared to even try.. Okay who m I kidding. I ve been too scared to go out and try anything for years. Last 3 months Ive had just "lucky" since I got this horrible flu and troath ache that activates the second I try extersizing or going outside. Ive been have granted the perfect alibi to stay indoors away from humans that I m so scared of.
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Friday, July 13, 2018
back after hiatus(?)
Huhhuh. Time has clearly passed. Opened my old laptop after over like 4 months and everything is suddently updating and trying to fix itself and I could not figure anything else to do while waiting than spam here so here I'm.
So yea atm I m at part time job that is dued to end at Authumn. Looking for better job but I feel I can't focus on finding a new job as long as I still have my old job so I m waiting my old job to end before getting new one.
So what has been going on my life. Yea I m single and quite happy. Or at least I think I'm happy. It has been interesting to notice how little me and my ex in really had in common. Okay we both were Christians and liked rabbits but thats abou it. He clearly wanted me to be his mom replica and I with my own depression could not do it for him. Yea I m on therapy now with my depression and woah. It seems the old wounds are really deep. And I just now have started to understand my own adhd and my own behaviour. Also I think me being adopted as 1 years old totally feral child with no eye contact skills etc has something to do why Im the way I m.
Also I read that if someone is abandoned once as a child they easily fear being abandoned again and feel strong loss when they have to loose someone. Maybe that has something to do with the fact why I wanna be friends with everyone and why I value the fact that all people get along with each other more than the guy next door.
And about guy next door Ive learned that I m not only rabbit furry in Finland and this makes me really happy. Big shoutout to all fellow bunnies out there! Varjokani loves u. <3
..
And then there is the factor of Rocket Raccoon. I somehow have really weird feelings towards him. But I think I will tell about them in my next post because this post already is too long. Lol.. But in short I love him and I wanna protect him and make sure no one ever gets a change to hurt him again. And then I m like "No I m not a mother for anyone. I need all my energy to survive my own depression.." But then I just see any damn raccoon pics and Im like "Awwww.. I wanna be your mom." And if I see pics of Rocket I m like daamn he is hot. *blush*
So yea atm I m at part time job that is dued to end at Authumn. Looking for better job but I feel I can't focus on finding a new job as long as I still have my old job so I m waiting my old job to end before getting new one.
So what has been going on my life. Yea I m single and quite happy. Or at least I think I'm happy. It has been interesting to notice how little me and my ex in really had in common. Okay we both were Christians and liked rabbits but thats abou it. He clearly wanted me to be his mom replica and I with my own depression could not do it for him. Yea I m on therapy now with my depression and woah. It seems the old wounds are really deep. And I just now have started to understand my own adhd and my own behaviour. Also I think me being adopted as 1 years old totally feral child with no eye contact skills etc has something to do why Im the way I m.
Also I read that if someone is abandoned once as a child they easily fear being abandoned again and feel strong loss when they have to loose someone. Maybe that has something to do with the fact why I wanna be friends with everyone and why I value the fact that all people get along with each other more than the guy next door.
And about guy next door Ive learned that I m not only rabbit furry in Finland and this makes me really happy. Big shoutout to all fellow bunnies out there! Varjokani loves u. <3
..
And then there is the factor of Rocket Raccoon. I somehow have really weird feelings towards him. But I think I will tell about them in my next post because this post already is too long. Lol.. But in short I love him and I wanna protect him and make sure no one ever gets a change to hurt him again. And then I m like "No I m not a mother for anyone. I need all my energy to survive my own depression.." But then I just see any damn raccoon pics and Im like "Awwww.. I wanna be your mom." And if I see pics of Rocket I m like daamn he is hot. *blush*
Friday, April 21, 2017
Friday, September 30, 2016
High hou and of to stream I go
Hiya for (again) long time no see.
I have AGAIN managed to forget that I even had this blog but here I'm. I have been playing League of Legends lately too much for my own sense. But I could not figured out what else to play.
Then I got idea to start streaming again. I will be streaming on https://www.twitch.tv/varjokani for all awesome content you people just give me ideas. Atm I m trying to download LOTRO but I fear its broken. It told me that I dont have subcrition on or something? Like what? I tought it used to be a free to play game.
For other hand WoW is working okay. Even one quest I tried bugged whole game so I decided to redo my carachter.
But ya just hop in and tell me you said hello.
I have AGAIN managed to forget that I even had this blog but here I'm. I have been playing League of Legends lately too much for my own sense. But I could not figured out what else to play.
Then I got idea to start streaming again. I will be streaming on https://www.twitch.tv/varjokani for all awesome content you people just give me ideas. Atm I m trying to download LOTRO but I fear its broken. It told me that I dont have subcrition on or something? Like what? I tought it used to be a free to play game.
For other hand WoW is working okay. Even one quest I tried bugged whole game so I decided to redo my carachter.
But ya just hop in and tell me you said hello.
Friday, May 27, 2016
High ho and here I go
Ya again long time no see, but here I'm same as ever. Yes Gosupermodel closed down in the end since there were not so many people who wanted to buy vip since the staff did not do any interesting activities on the site that made site boring. And I think staff found site boring as well. At the moment I'm finishing http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/ but before that is finished and full of hd graphics its gonna take some time and inspiration and I think I have lack of both atm. Well mostly lack of inspiration. I feel like something is missing. Well something is missing since my dear bunny rabbit passed away. I had artblock before that but now it seems to haven taken a turn into a worse.
I think I will force myself to do video blogging if I dont get any inspiration to do anything smart soon.
I think I will force myself to do video blogging if I dont get any inspiration to do anything smart soon.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
here and there again
Hi there. Again.. long time no see. I know. I have been busy. I have lately started playing with AI, and code. I can't promise you anything but maybe you get a nice surpise in future. ;-)
And I think now I'm ready to tell it here also that my dear fellow and bro Bigwig died at this winter. It really made me stop and think how everyone can die. That is actually the real season why you guys haven't seen me lately. But here I'm.
I have been thinking to start doing vlogs on youtube. Tell me what do you think. Should I give it a try?
-
Varjokani
And I think now I'm ready to tell it here also that my dear fellow and bro Bigwig died at this winter. It really made me stop and think how everyone can die. That is actually the real season why you guys haven't seen me lately. But here I'm.
I have been thinking to start doing vlogs on youtube. Tell me what do you think. Should I give it a try?
-
Varjokani
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Riko-Neko on paras :P
Kyllä. Meidän kaikkien pitkaikainen unelma on nyt toteutunut kun Riko-Neko aka Candykitten julkaisi ensimmäisen oman pelinsä Shadowfieldsiin. :P
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/h4-hohtopong
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/h4-hohtopong
Friday, February 12, 2016
Shadowfields -oma forkkasivu
Menikös tuo ulkoasu nyt liian pirteksi?
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/t51-tervetuloa-shadowfieldsiin
Hups.
No kuitenkin toivon että tutustutte ja sanotte mielipiteenne. :P
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/t51-tervetuloa-shadowfieldsiin
Hups.
No kuitenkin toivon että tutustutte ja sanotte mielipiteenne. :P
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Täällä taaaash~
Heips huips vain kaikille.
Tiedän olen todellakin mestari mitä siihen tulee että unohdan asioita joita minun pitäisi tehdä aktiivisesti. Ja silloin kun kyse on siitä että jotain pitää tehdä minä suorastaan välttelen sitä kuin ruttoa.
..
Sitten välillä suunnittelen että mitä minä voisin tehdä, ja saan tuhat hyvää ideaa, mutta sitten tulee eteen valinnanvaikeus, että minkä näistä minä toteuttaisin? Sitten lopulta koko roska kaatuu siihen että en tee mitään.
Minun piti jossain vaiheessa kuvata teille vloggaus-video jossa selitän teille mitä olen tehnyt, mutta sitten ujous, ja se etten pidä omasta ulkonäöstäni otti vallan. Anteeksi. :((
Ja joo, Shadowfieldsiä kehitelen edelleen. Siinä vaan vähän sama ongelma, eli en ollenkaan keksi että millaisesta pelistä pitäisi aloittaa. Nyt vihdoin sain aikaiseksi tehdä sinne demo-version cookie-clickeristä. :D
Niinpä minä toivoisin että te rakkaat, ja ihanat ihmiset auttaisitte minua ja sanoisitte minulle että millainen peli minun pitää tehdä. Valinnanvaikeus on liian suuri. Ja kyllä Riko-Neko on edelleen projektissa mukana, mutta hänellä on atm. opiskelukiireitä, ja minäkin keikkatyötä teen, joten ollaan molemmat aika "kiireisiä", tai Neko kiireinen ja minä laiska., D:
Mutta siis pyrin pyörimään SFssä joka päivä,ja jos minua ei siellä näy saa minua huutaa twitterissä ja minä tulen. :3
Ja mitä tämän piti olla vain lyhyt "Moi mtsä?" postaus, mutta nyt on jo aikamontariviä ja koen etten ole edes päässyt alkuun. Paitsi hymiöiden spämmimmisessä. Anteeksi siitäkin. :/ Muttakun jotenkin koen että on Gosuajoilta jäänyt paha tapa kertoilla kasvojen ilmeitä hymiöiden kautta. (jotkut pahat tavat eivät unohdu).
Mutta siis en ole unohtanut teitä. Ja toivon että te ette ole unohtaneet minua (hyvässä mielessä).
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/h1-pelit
Tiedän olen todellakin mestari mitä siihen tulee että unohdan asioita joita minun pitäisi tehdä aktiivisesti. Ja silloin kun kyse on siitä että jotain pitää tehdä minä suorastaan välttelen sitä kuin ruttoa.
..
Sitten välillä suunnittelen että mitä minä voisin tehdä, ja saan tuhat hyvää ideaa, mutta sitten tulee eteen valinnanvaikeus, että minkä näistä minä toteuttaisin? Sitten lopulta koko roska kaatuu siihen että en tee mitään.
Minun piti jossain vaiheessa kuvata teille vloggaus-video jossa selitän teille mitä olen tehnyt, mutta sitten ujous, ja se etten pidä omasta ulkonäöstäni otti vallan. Anteeksi. :((
Ja joo, Shadowfieldsiä kehitelen edelleen. Siinä vaan vähän sama ongelma, eli en ollenkaan keksi että millaisesta pelistä pitäisi aloittaa. Nyt vihdoin sain aikaiseksi tehdä sinne demo-version cookie-clickeristä. :D
Niinpä minä toivoisin että te rakkaat, ja ihanat ihmiset auttaisitte minua ja sanoisitte minulle että millainen peli minun pitää tehdä. Valinnanvaikeus on liian suuri. Ja kyllä Riko-Neko on edelleen projektissa mukana, mutta hänellä on atm. opiskelukiireitä, ja minäkin keikkatyötä teen, joten ollaan molemmat aika "kiireisiä", tai Neko kiireinen ja minä laiska., D:
Mutta siis pyrin pyörimään SFssä joka päivä,ja jos minua ei siellä näy saa minua huutaa twitterissä ja minä tulen. :3
Ja mitä tämän piti olla vain lyhyt "Moi mtsä?" postaus, mutta nyt on jo aikamontariviä ja koen etten ole edes päässyt alkuun. Paitsi hymiöiden spämmimmisessä. Anteeksi siitäkin. :/ Muttakun jotenkin koen että on Gosuajoilta jäänyt paha tapa kertoilla kasvojen ilmeitä hymiöiden kautta. (jotkut pahat tavat eivät unohdu).
Mutta siis en ole unohtanut teitä. Ja toivon että te ette ole unohtaneet minua (hyvässä mielessä).
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/h1-pelit
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Shadowfield - meeh
Vihdoinkin tää alkaa näyttää jo verkkosivusto-foorumilta. Nyt pitäisi vielä kehitellä tänne jotain kivoja pelejä. :)
Onko teillä mitään ideaa että millaisella lähdettäisiin liikkeelle?
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/
Onko teillä mitään ideaa että millaisella lähdettäisiin liikkeelle?
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/
Puhdas alku - Kimba - meh - Oisinpa joku tuntematon ni saisin riehua ja pelleillä ilman et tulee sellanen syyllinen olo
Siis puhdas alku jonain jota kukaan ei tunne. Sitten ehkä joku
uskaltaisi puhuakin mulle. Tai kun tuntuu että nykyään edelleen jotkut
on sillei "iih. Kimba ei sille uskalla puhuu."
Mut sitte kun mulla on eroava kirjoitustyyli ja omalaatuinen piirrustustyylii niin mut tunnistetaan heti. Gosussa kokeilin aloittaa uudella mallilla ja yhden sanan kirjoitin foorumille ja paljastuin. Jotenki vaan ajattelin tulla sydäntä tänne keventämään siitä miten tahtoisin olla kuten kaikki muutkin. Ja joo tiedän etten ole mitenkään erityinen mut olis kivaa olla tuntematon ja sellanen jota kohtaan ei ole ennakko-olettamuksia.
Tai ainakin itsellä on sellanen olo jäänyt gosuajosta että jos tein yhtään mitään niin aina joku järkyttymässä. Pahimmassa vaiheessa en saanut vaihtaa mallini ulkoasua ollenkaan. XD
Ja sitten kun sanoin mielipiteeni jostain kaikki oli sillei "Miten se nyt noin voi sanoohh?!" Kaipaan jotenki sitä aikaa kun kukaan ei tienny musta mitään.
Mut tiedän sen että sitä ei taida saada takasin.
Ku tekis mieli vaan riehua ja olla pöljä mut tulee sellanen olo et ei pysty koska kaikki olettaa multa jotain käytöstapoja.
Jotenki kauheen vastuullinen olo. Tai siis tuntuu et kaikki vihaa mua jo valmiiks. XD
Ois kiva olla vaan ei kukaan.
Mut sitte kun mulla on eroava kirjoitustyyli ja omalaatuinen piirrustustyylii niin mut tunnistetaan heti. Gosussa kokeilin aloittaa uudella mallilla ja yhden sanan kirjoitin foorumille ja paljastuin. Jotenki vaan ajattelin tulla sydäntä tänne keventämään siitä miten tahtoisin olla kuten kaikki muutkin. Ja joo tiedän etten ole mitenkään erityinen mut olis kivaa olla tuntematon ja sellanen jota kohtaan ei ole ennakko-olettamuksia.
Tai ainakin itsellä on sellanen olo jäänyt gosuajosta että jos tein yhtään mitään niin aina joku järkyttymässä. Pahimmassa vaiheessa en saanut vaihtaa mallini ulkoasua ollenkaan. XD
Ja sitten kun sanoin mielipiteeni jostain kaikki oli sillei "Miten se nyt noin voi sanoohh?!" Kaipaan jotenki sitä aikaa kun kukaan ei tienny musta mitään.
Mut tiedän sen että sitä ei taida saada takasin. Ku tekis mieli vaan riehua ja olla pöljä mut tulee sellanen olo et ei pysty koska kaikki olettaa multa jotain käytöstapoja.
Jotenki kauheen vastuullinen olo. Tai siis tuntuu et kaikki vihaa mua jo valmiiks. XDOis kiva olla vaan ei kukaan.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Shadowfields on nyt auki!
Hei siellä. Tiedän että moni on odottanut tätä jo pitkään, ja vihdoin sain repäistyä netistä toimivan oloisen foorumikoneen jolla pystyn aloittamaan projektin siinä määrin että sinne voi oikeasti jo tehdäkin jotain omaa sotkua, ja se pysyy pystyssä.
tai siis aikaisempien ilmaisserverien ongelmana ollut se että nämä ovat kaatuneet heti kun tietty määrä badwithiä (käyttäjät avanneet sivua ja käyttäneet sen muistia) on käytetty.
Mutta tämän pitäisi toimia. Ja uusia toimintoja on luvassa. ;-)
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/forum
tai siis aikaisempien ilmaisserverien ongelmana ollut se että nämä ovat kaatuneet heti kun tietty määrä badwithiä (käyttäjät avanneet sivua ja käyttäneet sen muistia) on käytetty.
Mutta tämän pitäisi toimia. Ja uusia toimintoja on luvassa. ;-)
http://shadowfield.my-rpg.com/forum
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Hyvä hyvä suomen valtio! Mihin ne rahat katoo? // Eikö voisi korjata kouluja? Valtio hei!
Luin tossa eilen lehdestä että ISIS-terroristijärjestön riveissä hengailevat suomalaiset saavat KELAN tuen mikäli ilmaantuvat Suomeen puolen ennen ulkomaillaoleskeluajan umpeutumista. Tuli mieleen että eikö valtio voisi käyttää rahansa vähän järkevämmin.
Ohessa ystäväni kertomus hänen koulurakennuksensa kunnosta, ja siitä miten se vaikuttaa hänen opiskeluunsa. Pistää oikeesti hiljaiseksi ja vihaiseksi kun tajuaa että rahat menee ihan jonnekin muualle kuin siihen missä sitä tarvitaan ja missä siitä olisi jotain hyötyä:
Nyt annan puheenvuoron Hetalle
--
/
Toivon että edes joku lukisi tämän ja saisin tällätavoin huomion käännettyä siihen mihin Suomen valtio oikein pistää rahansa!
Ohessa ystäväni kertomus hänen koulurakennuksensa kunnosta, ja siitä miten se vaikuttaa hänen opiskeluunsa. Pistää oikeesti hiljaiseksi ja vihaiseksi kun tajuaa että rahat menee ihan jonnekin muualle kuin siihen missä sitä tarvitaan ja missä siitä olisi jotain hyötyä:
Nyt annan puheenvuoron Hetalle
Heta Peperonia Kontinen:
Pieniä ajatuksia koulun alusta kehiin:
Koulu alkaa huomenna. Yleensä oon ollut se tyyppi, joka alkaa odottaa kouluun paluuta jossain heinäkuun puolessa välissä. Tänä vuonna, ensimmäistä kertaa elämässäni koen kouluun paluun ahdistava ja vaikeana, jopa pelottavana.
Syy on hämmästyttävän yksinkertainen: koulun sivurakennuksen homeongelma. Ei varmaan kukaan muukaan nauttisi kouluun menosta jos tietäisi että seurauksena luulet kuolevasi väsymykseen, migreenin omaiseen pääkipuun, lihaskramppeihin ja hengitysvaikeuksiin joka kerta kun astut sisälle koulurakennukseen. (ja nyt ei puhuta "valvoin yön yli" väsymyksestä. Nyt puhutaan niin totaalisesta voimattomuudesta ettet kykene kävelemään suoraan jos kykenet kävelemään ollenkaan, silmät eivät jaksa kohdistaa, olet liian voimaton nostaaksesi kynää pöydältä etkä kykene reagoimaan yhtään mihinkään. Nyt puhutaan kirjaimellisesta kuoleman väsymyksestä)
Koulun sivurakennus on tosiaan homeessa, ainakin kolme kerrosta neljästä on. Tiedän sen tasan tarkkaan, ja koulun muutkin homeyliherkät tietävät sen tasan tarkkaan, mutta koulua ei kiinnosta pätkän vertaa. Rehtorin ainoa vastaus oli ”Sitten sinun täytyy valita kursseja joita ei järjestetä siellä.” Ongelmana tässä on se, että homeluokissa järjestetään kursseja, jotka minun on käytävä suorittaakseni lukion. Lisäksi, en hakenut Kallion lukioon sitä varten että ainoa ilmaisuaine johon voisin osallistua (joka siis järjestetäään pääkoululla) olisi tanssi (joka on minulle hyvin lähellä kidutusta ja sitä ei edes tarjota tarvittavaa kahtatoista kurssia) Eikä muutenkaan voi olla minkään lain mukaista että joutuisin jättämään lukujärjestyksestäni aineita pois vain sen takia että koulua ei kiinnosta tarpeeksi edes tutkia asiaa, saatikka sitten tehdä sille mitään. Tietääkseni lainkin mukaan minulla on oikeus turvalliseen ja tasavertaiseen oppimisympäristöön, enkä tiedä miten tämä täyttää kummankaan edellytyksiä.
Mietin koko kesän mistä tämä kiinnostuksen puute johtuu. Kuvittelisin yhden syyn olevan termi ”homeallergia”. Se otetaan helposti vain muutaman ihmisen ongelmana, mutta totuus ei ole ihan näin. Home yliherkkyys on hyvinkin eri asia kuin vaikka maitoallergia. Jos olen maidolle allerginen, kaikki muut voivat yhä juoda sitä huoletta. Homeen kanssa asia ei ole näin. Sen saastuttama ilma on myrkyllistä, oli hengittäjä yliherkkä tai ei. Yliherkät ihmiset vain reagoivat nopeammin ja herkemmin. Jotkut sairastuvat selittämättömään syöpään kymmenen vuoden päästä, alkavat kärsiä keskushermoston ongelmista tai saavat astman.
Tässä välissä haluaisin siis ilmaista sen suunnattoman ahdistuksen ja vitutuksen tunteen kun minun ja kaikkien muidenkin koululaiseni ja aika monen muunkin koululaisen ympäri Suomea pitää palata tällä viikolla kouluun, huolimatta siitä että ilma jota siellä hengitämme tuhoaa terveyttä pala palalta.
Ei muuten ole kiva fiilis.
Edit: keksin täs hampaita pestessä hienon vertauskuvan. Tää on vähän sama ku jos kouluruokaan lisättäis ain pieniä määriä myrkkyä ja sit jos satut reagoimaan vahvemmin/aikasemmin ku muut nii sit sanotaan et eipähän tartte syödä täällä, eti ruokas muualta."
--
/
Toivon että edes joku lukisi tämän ja saisin tällätavoin huomion käännettyä siihen mihin Suomen valtio oikein pistää rahansa!
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Nasus is a damn big shrew.. O_O
Hi guys. Whats up? Yes, I have been unactive online.. or kinda.
I have been playing League of Legends lately. Feel free to join me.. cause I really think playing with friends is fun. Okay, at least if you play with friends there is no hate if you loose game and its your fauld. :P
Plz join LOL here to see how funny it is with friends. :)
I have been planning to stream LOL while I play it but with long days at work and parents arriving home early its small time I can have it with no one else on house. Please comment if you think I should stream it or not?
I have been playing League of Legends lately. Feel free to join me.. cause I really think playing with friends is fun. Okay, at least if you play with friends there is no hate if you loose game and its your fauld. :P
Plz join LOL here to see how funny it is with friends. :)
I have been planning to stream LOL while I play it but with long days at work and parents arriving home early its small time I can have it with no one else on house. Please comment if you think I should stream it or not?
Friday, July 24, 2015
Good morning
Ya. It seems its friday again.. And I notice that I find Myself wondering How it is possible. I mean it just Was a monday. Where does time dissappear into?
Thursday, July 23, 2015
What the heck does artblock even mean?
Ya. I have been talking with Candyskitten aka. Karkkikissa lately.. It seems I'm suffering from art block. Yes, Karkkikissa at least told me that syntoms and dissorers fit to my description about how I feel.
And it is damn scary..
It seems I have two options. Either force myself to draw, or wait to inspiration just to drop from the sky.
--
Maybe this also is following for fact that lately when I have inspiration I don't have paper or pencil with me. Nor I have time or change to draw because of work.
Ya. I m little bit insecure about what should I do next..? But maybe Ill think of something. Something smart I hope.
Also note you can now actually send me messages and talk me on FB viaVarjokani Official .
See ya around because its time to me to start working again!
And it is damn scary..
It seems I have two options. Either force myself to draw, or wait to inspiration just to drop from the sky.
--
Maybe this also is following for fact that lately when I have inspiration I don't have paper or pencil with me. Nor I have time or change to draw because of work.
Ya. I m little bit insecure about what should I do next..? But maybe Ill think of something. Something smart I hope.
Also note you can now actually send me messages and talk me on FB viaVarjokani Official .
See ya around because its time to me to start working again!
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
And it just keeps raining and raining
Eh. When does this rain stop..? Ya. I was just talking with my online furry friend from spain who told me that there are no rain in there. Also he told me that normally they get lots of rain.
..
While we in Finland seem to drown from cold and wet stuff called water. Yes, I say that because my shoes went wet at this morning and I felt like I died.And even I'm in warm office. I feel like I'm dying.. My feet still are cold.
.
And the conclusion I'm making here is that in fact it seems we got their bad weather now. And I don't like it one bit.
Just hoping the rain to go away and leave me alone for a week.
..
While we in Finland seem to drown from cold and wet stuff called water. Yes, I say that because my shoes went wet at this morning and I felt like I died.And even I'm in warm office. I feel like I'm dying.. My feet still are cold.
.
And the conclusion I'm making here is that in fact it seems we got their bad weather now. And I don't like it one bit.
Just hoping the rain to go away and leave me alone for a week.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
New channels to communicate
Ya. I found out I could actually create "artist page" of myself on Facebook. I'm so happy. Yay. Feeling like little child atm. Okay, I'm little kid. At heart at least. But since I hang out in FB these days I tough maybe I should be able to talk to you guys also. :P
So here I'm.
https://www.facebook.com/VarjokaniOfficial?ref=hl
:-D
So here I'm.
https://www.facebook.com/VarjokaniOfficial?ref=hl
:-D
Friday, July 10, 2015
Music coming from inside my hands:
Beautiful song I wanna share and translate for English speaking people. This song just make me cry. And feel so calm.
My creator gave me two hands.
The Lord wishpered:" Use them to love."
Ill take my hands in to use, just wait and see.
I'm not gonna keep the power hidden.
But I did not learn to love, I left my hands inside my pockets.
They withered silently in their hideout.
The years and days passed.
I did not learn to use my hands. My hands were clumsy and hard and cold.
I went to show my hands to the Creator: "Look what are my hands"
What ever ever I want to touch, it just breaks into pieces under my hands.
My hands are scattering death, and method of loving is breaking everything.
So it is best if I just keep my hands in my pocket. I hid and cover them with care,
so they don't be able to destroy no more. I throw soil over them.
I saw tears in the eyes of my creator, no any hint of blame (or making quilty):
"Give your dirty hands to me. I wanna tend and wash them."
I don't cannot understand / Dont know what happened at that moment. The winds
started to blow. They wiped away the dirt and bitterness. Then there started coming
music from my hands / my hands started to play.
They played uknown/ weird melody. Really quietly at first. I could not silence it
as it took more room wildy. And it spreaded with dauntless power into
so familiar hands of mine that brusted with melody.
The light flowed into tips of my fingers. God, you gave me my hands. My whole soul
is thanking You. My hands are mere a channel.
What ever you wish, do it. Its enough.
Original:
Minä Luojalta kaksi kättä sain.
Luoja kuiskasi;" Rakasta niillä."
Otan kädet käyttöön, odota vain.
En voiman suo salassa piillä.
Mutta en oppinut rakastamaan,
minun käteni taskuihin jäivät.
Ne kuihtuivat hiljaa piilossaan.
Ohi kulkivat vuodet ja päivät.
En oppinut käsiä käyttämään
ne olivat köpelöt, kovat.
Niitä Luojalle lähdin näyttämään:
" Katso, millaiset käteni ovat."
Mitä tahansa tahdon koskettaa,
se musertuu kätteni alla.
Minun käteni kylvää kuolemaa,
ja rakastaa rikkomalla.
On siis paras, kun käteni taskuun jää.
Kädet huolella kätken ja peitän,
niin ne eivät tuhoa enempää.
Niiden päälle nyt multaa heitän.
Näin Luojani silmissä kyyneleet,
en jälkekään syytöksestä:
" Anna minulle kädet likaiset.
Minä tahdon ne hoitaa ja pestä."
Mitä tapahtui silloin, tiedä en.
Tuulet alkoivat huminoida.
Ne pyyhkivät lian ja katkerudeuden.
Minun käteni alkoivat soida.
Ja ne soittivat outoa sävelmää
ensin arasti aivan ja salaa.
Sitä säveltä voinut en hiljentää,
kun se villinä valtasi alaa.
Ja se levisi hurjalla voimalla
minun tuttuihin käsiini näihin,
jotka ilosta uhkoivat soimalla.
Valo virtasi sormen päihin.
Jumala, Sinulta käteni sain.
Koko sieluni Sinua Kiittää.
Minun käteni ovat kanava vain.
Mitä tahdot, se tee, se riittää.
My creator gave me two hands.
The Lord wishpered:" Use them to love."
Ill take my hands in to use, just wait and see.
I'm not gonna keep the power hidden.
But I did not learn to love, I left my hands inside my pockets.
They withered silently in their hideout.
The years and days passed.
I did not learn to use my hands. My hands were clumsy and hard and cold.
I went to show my hands to the Creator: "Look what are my hands"
What ever ever I want to touch, it just breaks into pieces under my hands.
My hands are scattering death, and method of loving is breaking everything.
So it is best if I just keep my hands in my pocket. I hid and cover them with care,
so they don't be able to destroy no more. I throw soil over them.
I saw tears in the eyes of my creator, no any hint of blame (or making quilty):
"Give your dirty hands to me. I wanna tend and wash them."
I don't cannot understand / Dont know what happened at that moment. The winds
started to blow. They wiped away the dirt and bitterness. Then there started coming
music from my hands / my hands started to play.
They played uknown/ weird melody. Really quietly at first. I could not silence it
as it took more room wildy. And it spreaded with dauntless power into
so familiar hands of mine that brusted with melody.
The light flowed into tips of my fingers. God, you gave me my hands. My whole soul
is thanking You. My hands are mere a channel.
What ever you wish, do it. Its enough.
Original:
Minä Luojalta kaksi kättä sain.
Luoja kuiskasi;" Rakasta niillä."
Otan kädet käyttöön, odota vain.
En voiman suo salassa piillä.
Mutta en oppinut rakastamaan,
minun käteni taskuihin jäivät.
Ne kuihtuivat hiljaa piilossaan.
Ohi kulkivat vuodet ja päivät.
En oppinut käsiä käyttämään
ne olivat köpelöt, kovat.
Niitä Luojalle lähdin näyttämään:
" Katso, millaiset käteni ovat."
Mitä tahansa tahdon koskettaa,
se musertuu kätteni alla.
Minun käteni kylvää kuolemaa,
ja rakastaa rikkomalla.
On siis paras, kun käteni taskuun jää.
Kädet huolella kätken ja peitän,
niin ne eivät tuhoa enempää.
Niiden päälle nyt multaa heitän.
Näin Luojani silmissä kyyneleet,
en jälkekään syytöksestä:
" Anna minulle kädet likaiset.
Minä tahdon ne hoitaa ja pestä."
Mitä tapahtui silloin, tiedä en.
Tuulet alkoivat huminoida.
Ne pyyhkivät lian ja katkerudeuden.
Minun käteni alkoivat soida.
Ja ne soittivat outoa sävelmää
ensin arasti aivan ja salaa.
Sitä säveltä voinut en hiljentää,
kun se villinä valtasi alaa.
Ja se levisi hurjalla voimalla
minun tuttuihin käsiini näihin,
jotka ilosta uhkoivat soimalla.
Valo virtasi sormen päihin.
Jumala, Sinulta käteni sain.
Koko sieluni Sinua Kiittää.
Minun käteni ovat kanava vain.
Mitä tahdot, se tee, se riittää.
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