And for some reason I'm kinda scared if GSM admins still stalk my blog. Well if you guys do I wanna say "Hi Pia! What's up? Why not getting new hobbie and be honest for kids for a change?"
..
Like no more lying about paying back money for Gosupermodel.fi if site goes down since you aren't going to pay it back. Or so it says on your user agreement page.
But the other hand ur "info about superpass" page claims you will pay back? So wich one is true?
::
But ya. 79% change I'm just imagining things and being paranoid and scared of nothing. But if you guys DO stalk me (I know they stalked me when I had model on the site) plz go and take cold shower and thing up two words. "Honesty" and getting "a new hobby".
Thats all I had for ya folks.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Hurry up get better plz
So I'm atm basicly doing work atm andd counting minutes I can go back to home to sleep the end of my fever away.
..
Well I that should go easy. I just hope I don't pass out. I was supposed to be heatlhy for weekend when I'm going to see family. my granfather and my auntie and my cousin. I have missed them so much. But its damn bad if I can't go near then or hug them. So I wait for this flu to miraciously to go away. Ya, I have antiobiotes. But for so long not looking so good. :(
Also its going to be my birthday at sat. 21. Can you imagine me turning 21 years old and being grown up? Ya. I don't suppose that happens.
..
Well I that should go easy. I just hope I don't pass out. I was supposed to be heatlhy for weekend when I'm going to see family. my granfather and my auntie and my cousin. I have missed them so much. But its damn bad if I can't go near then or hug them. So I wait for this flu to miraciously to go away. Ya, I have antiobiotes. But for so long not looking so good. :(
Also its going to be my birthday at sat. 21. Can you imagine me turning 21 years old and being grown up? Ya. I don't suppose that happens.
me and the damn flu
Hai there again. Long time no see. Okay well.. It happened again. That damn flu and infection on my throat and ears that strikes me down every single summer.. Always when one is supposed to enjoy the fresh air and go to the beach and run wildy on forest etc. and do all fun stuff I'm forced to take it easy and sleep in bed eating like 5 different pills twice per day. Its damn annoying.
Up to this point none of the doctors can't tell me why every single flu in the universe (okay at least from the people who are in same room with me for like ten seconds) strikes me and for all of people around me I'm only one who is forced to take it easy.
I mean it. "Normal flu" that takes like day to recover for everyone else takes like 1-2 weeks minimal to me to recover. I feel like I'm so done with this stuff. I wanna go out and see friends but nope. I'm told by doctor to sleep and try get the damn fever down. Yes, I had 6 days of duty from work because of this and now I'm back at work. Still feeling bit off.
But I just can't figure out what triggers it..? Why me? Always every single summer? Also getting one during autumn also.
Ya ya. Pepople tell me to go out and work for my body's ability to resist sickness. But how you resist it when all times you get beamed with flu first time someone sneezes towards you. And for most of the times you don't even need anyone to sneeze at you. Just someone with flu just sits in same room (different ends of the room) is enough to get me infected with it.
As a kid I was tested for all kind of allergies and they found none. Now I would not count on it. But its not allergy. Always when I go see doctor I got BAD infection on my inner ears and my inner cheeck chambers are filled with snot and also badly infected. .. What ...? What do I do wrong? Ya, I'm supposed to flush it daily with hot water and ocean salt. But I don't wanna. It hurts a lot. And last time I did it or tried to do it I felt just so much pain. It just hurted so damn much and I could not see it helping one thing to get my nose burn while my throat and ears were already burning with pain.. Or my head was. Not my ears.
Funny thing. When ever I get infection in my ear only things I notice is "the pressure" inside my head and I feel bit drowsy and sleepy. Also I feel like I'm more angry to people. But no pain inside my ears. None unless I stick something inside them. Like Medicine. Then it hurts a lot. But other than that I just don't feel the pain there. I think its main reason why I never detect it in time.
I've heard other people that during infection inside inner ear they have pain. I just feel odd on my head. Maybe it is because I got so many of these that my head actually become numb for the pain.-
---
But ya. I think I'm done with this flu and I hate it, but for my bad I feel that IT loves me and always comes back. I had a boy like that in confirmation camp. And he was annoying! Stalked me and wanted me to date him.
Up to this point none of the doctors can't tell me why every single flu in the universe (okay at least from the people who are in same room with me for like ten seconds) strikes me and for all of people around me I'm only one who is forced to take it easy.
I mean it. "Normal flu" that takes like day to recover for everyone else takes like 1-2 weeks minimal to me to recover. I feel like I'm so done with this stuff. I wanna go out and see friends but nope. I'm told by doctor to sleep and try get the damn fever down. Yes, I had 6 days of duty from work because of this and now I'm back at work. Still feeling bit off.
But I just can't figure out what triggers it..? Why me? Always every single summer? Also getting one during autumn also.
Ya ya. Pepople tell me to go out and work for my body's ability to resist sickness. But how you resist it when all times you get beamed with flu first time someone sneezes towards you. And for most of the times you don't even need anyone to sneeze at you. Just someone with flu just sits in same room (different ends of the room) is enough to get me infected with it.
As a kid I was tested for all kind of allergies and they found none. Now I would not count on it. But its not allergy. Always when I go see doctor I got BAD infection on my inner ears and my inner cheeck chambers are filled with snot and also badly infected. .. What ...? What do I do wrong? Ya, I'm supposed to flush it daily with hot water and ocean salt. But I don't wanna. It hurts a lot. And last time I did it or tried to do it I felt just so much pain. It just hurted so damn much and I could not see it helping one thing to get my nose burn while my throat and ears were already burning with pain.. Or my head was. Not my ears.
Funny thing. When ever I get infection in my ear only things I notice is "the pressure" inside my head and I feel bit drowsy and sleepy. Also I feel like I'm more angry to people. But no pain inside my ears. None unless I stick something inside them. Like Medicine. Then it hurts a lot. But other than that I just don't feel the pain there. I think its main reason why I never detect it in time.
I've heard other people that during infection inside inner ear they have pain. I just feel odd on my head. Maybe it is because I got so many of these that my head actually become numb for the pain.-
---
But ya. I think I'm done with this flu and I hate it, but for my bad I feel that IT loves me and always comes back. I had a boy like that in confirmation camp. And he was annoying! Stalked me and wanted me to date him.
Monday, June 8, 2015
#OnlyRabbitProbemos
I was just thinking that I love streaming and being social as long I have quick escape route clear in case things get rough. Like pause stream button or shutting down the computer.
ehehhe.
But still I for most of the time I'm home also my parents are and they watch tv with full volume and kill my ears. Also they make me walk dogs 30mins x 3 per day. Also they wanna me do all random chores they can think of.
So basilcy no time to edit, or no peace and quiet to stream stuff.. Or when I finally have I'm so damn tired I just wanna sleep.
But I have to admit I would love to live like Pewdiepie. I mean not needing to go work but work from home and product media for other people. And being social from home. But ya. No such luck.
First of I would need to buy my own house and then my own food. And have money for bills. That requests of looots of money. So I would need to get good job first, but then again I wanna work online and do stuff online. But then again I need money for it, but I kinda don't get any money before I do it.
Life is hard broskies. Try live with it.
Maybe I'll figure out something. Ya, I know. Its not like I would be able to live just with my blog's adds. While none actually ever sees them because everyone uses addblock. I also use it on youtube sometimesh.. Heheh. So I don't blame you.
And just in case you wanna know more of my problemos you can follow me twitter and Tumblr.
And speaking of Tumblr I did whole rework with my theme. Also made own account for Räävis, so I could keep Räävis directed stuff better organized and so you bros would have change to send him fanmail. Yes. I know you want to spam Räävis with fanmail.
His address is the same:
angstingmouse.tumblr.com/
ehehhe.
But still I for most of the time I'm home also my parents are and they watch tv with full volume and kill my ears. Also they make me walk dogs 30mins x 3 per day. Also they wanna me do all random chores they can think of.
So basilcy no time to edit, or no peace and quiet to stream stuff.. Or when I finally have I'm so damn tired I just wanna sleep.
But I have to admit I would love to live like Pewdiepie. I mean not needing to go work but work from home and product media for other people. And being social from home. But ya. No such luck.
First of I would need to buy my own house and then my own food. And have money for bills. That requests of looots of money. So I would need to get good job first, but then again I wanna work online and do stuff online. But then again I need money for it, but I kinda don't get any money before I do it.
Life is hard broskies. Try live with it.
Maybe I'll figure out something. Ya, I know. Its not like I would be able to live just with my blog's adds. While none actually ever sees them because everyone uses addblock. I also use it on youtube sometimesh.. Heheh. So I don't blame you.
And just in case you wanna know more of my problemos you can follow me twitter and Tumblr.
And speaking of Tumblr I did whole rework with my theme. Also made own account for Räävis, so I could keep Räävis directed stuff better organized and so you bros would have change to send him fanmail. Yes. I know you want to spam Räävis with fanmail.
His address is the same:
angstingmouse.tumblr.com/
Meh
Yay! New week has begun. But I feel weird. Yesterday I had fricking weird headache and today I notice that I see everything bit blurry and feel tired. And feel like my nose is stuck with slime.. again. I don't know if I'm starting to get some illness again. I hope not. Because I 'm too tired for it.
Well I tried washing my eyes at work and they feel sore. But I try work normal today. Maybe I'm just too tired for somereason. It was quite much sunligth last night.. so I dunno. But if this continiues I dunno what to do. Yap. I got it from my mom that I always think I'm okay until I'm half dead. But other than feeling damn sleepy and my eyes are sore I feel competely normal and okay.
..
so I think I m okay. Well lets see tomorrow. I just felt like writing about this. And yes, while being at work I notice myself starting to be more me again. Or at least I haven't felt lately that I would have personal me changing within me. Or I feel I think of the times same way all the time. My feelings haven't changed as it was different me for a week. I dunno if its a good thing or a bad one.
But yah. See ya. :)
-Varjokani
Well I tried washing my eyes at work and they feel sore. But I try work normal today. Maybe I'm just too tired for somereason. It was quite much sunligth last night.. so I dunno. But if this continiues I dunno what to do. Yap. I got it from my mom that I always think I'm okay until I'm half dead. But other than feeling damn sleepy and my eyes are sore I feel competely normal and okay.
..
so I think I m okay. Well lets see tomorrow. I just felt like writing about this. And yes, while being at work I notice myself starting to be more me again. Or at least I haven't felt lately that I would have personal me changing within me. Or I feel I think of the times same way all the time. My feelings haven't changed as it was different me for a week. I dunno if its a good thing or a bad one.
But yah. See ya. :)
-Varjokani
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
So much hate
So the clear thing as mud is the fact that the weather hates me. When I decide to dress up warmly its hot and I'm dying. Then If I leave my fave hoodie home I freeze. This isn't just working. And I'm getting to the point I end up being really annoyed by it.
Why even I read and check weather reports I still get into trouble.
Why even I read and check weather reports I still get into trouble.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Friday, May 29, 2015
Today's weather reflecting world
Its seems it started to rain again. Mään. I did cry out for sun keeping me awake at night but I wasn't actually hoping for rain either. And here I notice myself acting like typical stupid human -- Its fun how some of us ( this time me in cluded) is never satifised with the weather. Always either too cold or too hot. Or then there ain't no wind and the air is rough and sharp like road in the contryside with no asphalt on it. So dusty that it makes one puke. Or then there is hot air and wind beating the hot air on your face untill it hurts. Or then its too cold.
When think of it we all have suffered for things I listed above. Many times when you see beautiful holiday island you think "wow this place is paradise" but when being honest to ourself there is always something wrong. .. And do you know why? My quess is as good as yours but I think its because this isn't paradise. Its fallen world.
..
Yes you can see many beautiful things here, and some awesome scenery. And beautiful music.. But also horrible things like war, people dying for either being sick or hungry or then get killed by each other because other one was dating a guy other was interested on. That one was seen in Finnish media couple weeks ago. Two girls who were "doing okay with each other", one gets mad, visits the other's home and kills other because "just happened to get bitch rage mode on" or someting.
Ya. Bros. How ever I try looking this world I just can't make it feel like paradise. When I'm alone, listening good music and eating icecream I think then I can have glimpse of paradise.. But still. Something is missing.
I found my hope for thinking that maybe Jesus does love me and maybe there is heaven for mad furries like myself. But how about you dear reader? What keeps you not getting insane and loosing all hope when the world around you turns out to be gloomy place? I'm interested to hear your story. Please comment and share your story below.
Or if you are just struggling and going one day before an other like I used to do sometimes and most of my days I still struggle and cry out when I fail. How does that feel? Can you relate anything I wrote here?
-Varjokani
When think of it we all have suffered for things I listed above. Many times when you see beautiful holiday island you think "wow this place is paradise" but when being honest to ourself there is always something wrong. .. And do you know why? My quess is as good as yours but I think its because this isn't paradise. Its fallen world.
..
Yes you can see many beautiful things here, and some awesome scenery. And beautiful music.. But also horrible things like war, people dying for either being sick or hungry or then get killed by each other because other one was dating a guy other was interested on. That one was seen in Finnish media couple weeks ago. Two girls who were "doing okay with each other", one gets mad, visits the other's home and kills other because "just happened to get bitch rage mode on" or someting.
Ya. Bros. How ever I try looking this world I just can't make it feel like paradise. When I'm alone, listening good music and eating icecream I think then I can have glimpse of paradise.. But still. Something is missing.
I found my hope for thinking that maybe Jesus does love me and maybe there is heaven for mad furries like myself. But how about you dear reader? What keeps you not getting insane and loosing all hope when the world around you turns out to be gloomy place? I'm interested to hear your story. Please comment and share your story below.
Or if you are just struggling and going one day before an other like I used to do sometimes and most of my days I still struggle and cry out when I fail. How does that feel? Can you relate anything I wrote here?
-Varjokani
Gosun ulkopuolella?
Taas tulee kohta viikko täyteen ilman Gosua. Joo yhä tuntuu haikealta ja oudolta mut joo. Toisaalta sitä rupeaa miettimään miten jokainen meistä on jatkanut elämäänsä ja harrastuksiaan. Ja mikä meissä on muuttunut.
Mulle oli omasta mielestäni iso askel kun uskalsin omalla nimelläni käydä sanomassa hei tuonne Gosun Face-ryhmään. Joo vaikutan aika monen mielestä seurankipeältä ja sosiaaliselta otukselta, mutta ne jotka mut oikeesti tuntee voi kertoa että mitä enemmän höpisen sen enemmän mua pelottaa. Tai siis peitän juttelemalla turhanpäiviäistä roskaa sen että mua pelottaa hirveästi ihmisten lähellä (Varsinkin omalla nimellä Tuntemattomien lähellä). Ja siten myös kokeilen ihmisten tapaa suhtautua läsnäolooni. Joo mulla on yhä eläimellisiä piirteitä jäljellä joista oon tänne purkanut lähinnä enkuksi. Mut siis lyhyesti koulukiusaaminen + valehtelevat ihmiset = paniikkihäiriöinen otus joka pelkää kaikkia ja kaikkea.
Mut joo itsestä toisaalta tosi mahtavaa miten oon pariin upeaan ja ihanaan ihmiseen nyt tutustunut paremmin kuin koskaan jos Gosua ei oltaisi suljettu. Joo te ihanat tunnistatte kyllä itsenne. Puhuin teille viimeksi eilen illalla ja tänään aamulla. :P
Mutta hei. Joo netisivuprojekti on yhä kesken (anteeksi) mutta valmistuu kokoajan.. hitaasti. Tällähetkellä VIELÄKIN pitää väsätä ulkoasua. Mutta yritän saada sen tehtyä. Lupaan. Ja kun Candykitten palaa conista me ruvetaan tosiaan töihin.. (eikun nukkumaan). Joo ollaan laiskoja ja sillon kun on vapaa-aikaa ollaan töistämme tosi uuvuttuja. :(
Mut ei aijota luovuttaa. Aijotaan tehdä teille ihana forkka jossa hölistä nikin kanssa ja viettää laatuaikaa. Ja mahdollisesti jotain peliäkin ollaan suunnittelemassa. :P
Mutta hei kertokaa ja kommentoikaa miten teillä menee?
Erityisesti mua kiinnostaa miten teillä joilla ei ole Facea / jotka ette ole Gosun faceryhmässä menee? On iso ikävä kaikkia ihania Gosukavereita. :(
Joo Gosu oli mulle kuin perhe. Ei siitä pääse yli eikä ympäri. Niin hyvässä kuin pahassa.
the sunlight and panic attacks
Damn its getting to the point its impossible to fall to sleep when the sun never seems to set down. That leads to the main question of this morning. Why do humans be alfraid of the dark? Yes I don't like it either when I sing, hop and dance around forest in winter and suddenly there is huge male elk stalking me 3,4 meters away from me. Yes, I will shout and scream and bolt trying to make a run for it.
..
but other than that I don't get it. How can some people sleep with the light on? Yes, I keep my eyeshader-thingies on when I sleep. They are peace of cloth that has "sweet dreams" written on them. And you just wrap them around your backside of your head so they cover your eyes. I think you can get them from airplanes.. but mine are from supermarket.
Ya. I m no judge here but I just wish I could learn from people who can just relax and fall a sleep where ever they are standing or sitting. Only situations I can do that is when I'm overworked and my brains just shut down like Windows 8 system when it needs system updating. But I'd call that passing out. Not sleeping. Because usually when I sleep I decide it before I do it that "okay now I'll sleep.."
But ya. Good morning. Finally its friday! And tomorrow I can sleep.. oh I almost forgot. I can't because my friends having graduating party tomorrow and day after tomorrow my other pall is having Birthday party. Ya. Fun. I know. But for someone like me who has hard life behind me its not so easy. I can be near humans yes. But after I do it I need to reset myself and sleep and take it easy and rest. And have time with myself.. and my pillow and planket. :3
After having long days at work I'm bit worried how it all will turn out. Specially when I know my friends yes, but they are sure to invite there people who I don't know and who don't know me. Ya. Thats kind of situations really can make me tired. I m not sure why but I think its someting to do with the fact I have background of being terrefied and scared all humans. I just haven't been able to trust humans for so long time. Yes, I m learning to do it. But the past is just hunting me.. like shadow. And at this point I wanna scream and kick and bite and yell "FUCK OFF! I wanna be normal! Let me be!" but the past still has a hold on me. Ya, I know most of humans have no intenion to hurt me or whatsoever but I still feel kinda nervous when people around me. I love people and love talking to people.. but something there makes myself wonder why when I love it so much why it still makes me feel so tired and scared.
I have told couple of things around me that I have panic attacks and phobia for humans. And I don't trust humans and I don't like be around many people and I feel ackward in social situations. They all usually are like "Oh really? O_O" or "But you seem so brave and talktive atm. How is that possible".
Ya. The annoying side of it is that I have habitat to cover my panic with talk and I usually never shut up when I start talking and laughing with people. But from inside I keep feeling tense and weak and just usually wait for something to break and trigger my panic attacks.
Ya. I think my panic attacks are the main reason why I feel that way. But since I have meds and haven't got so bad attacks for while I wonder what I'm so scard of?
..
Nya. I'm bad at this kind of stuff. Everyone seems to think I'm easy to make friends with. But I'm scaring humans .. and most of the time hating them all for being so scary and so humans.
Well somehow writing this stuff makes me feel better so I think I ll be writing this more and more. I feel so relieved after writing this.
..
but other than that I don't get it. How can some people sleep with the light on? Yes, I keep my eyeshader-thingies on when I sleep. They are peace of cloth that has "sweet dreams" written on them. And you just wrap them around your backside of your head so they cover your eyes. I think you can get them from airplanes.. but mine are from supermarket.
Ya. I m no judge here but I just wish I could learn from people who can just relax and fall a sleep where ever they are standing or sitting. Only situations I can do that is when I'm overworked and my brains just shut down like Windows 8 system when it needs system updating. But I'd call that passing out. Not sleeping. Because usually when I sleep I decide it before I do it that "okay now I'll sleep.."
But ya. Good morning. Finally its friday! And tomorrow I can sleep.. oh I almost forgot. I can't because my friends having graduating party tomorrow and day after tomorrow my other pall is having Birthday party. Ya. Fun. I know. But for someone like me who has hard life behind me its not so easy. I can be near humans yes. But after I do it I need to reset myself and sleep and take it easy and rest. And have time with myself.. and my pillow and planket. :3
After having long days at work I'm bit worried how it all will turn out. Specially when I know my friends yes, but they are sure to invite there people who I don't know and who don't know me. Ya. Thats kind of situations really can make me tired. I m not sure why but I think its someting to do with the fact I have background of being terrefied and scared all humans. I just haven't been able to trust humans for so long time. Yes, I m learning to do it. But the past is just hunting me.. like shadow. And at this point I wanna scream and kick and bite and yell "FUCK OFF! I wanna be normal! Let me be!" but the past still has a hold on me. Ya, I know most of humans have no intenion to hurt me or whatsoever but I still feel kinda nervous when people around me. I love people and love talking to people.. but something there makes myself wonder why when I love it so much why it still makes me feel so tired and scared.
I have told couple of things around me that I have panic attacks and phobia for humans. And I don't trust humans and I don't like be around many people and I feel ackward in social situations. They all usually are like "Oh really? O_O" or "But you seem so brave and talktive atm. How is that possible".
Ya. The annoying side of it is that I have habitat to cover my panic with talk and I usually never shut up when I start talking and laughing with people. But from inside I keep feeling tense and weak and just usually wait for something to break and trigger my panic attacks.
Ya. I think my panic attacks are the main reason why I feel that way. But since I have meds and haven't got so bad attacks for while I wonder what I'm so scard of?
..
Nya. I'm bad at this kind of stuff. Everyone seems to think I'm easy to make friends with. But I'm scaring humans .. and most of the time hating them all for being so scary and so humans.
Well somehow writing this stuff makes me feel better so I think I ll be writing this more and more. I feel so relieved after writing this.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Horrorstory: Nightshadow, the cursed one
This text is 100% improvised and 100% fiction. None were harmed while writing this. And I'm not recommeding any of u to read any part of this. Its part of my old story re-done and improvised.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
______________________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sky is darkening around me. I feel lonely.. and so cold. I feel like losting last rips of my senses as darkness falls over me. I try keep breathing and staying awake. But its impossible. I can't feel the pain anymore. I have felt too much of it. So I cant feel any no more. I smile. Finally.. Finally its time for the grand ending. -- But how much did it cost. How many times I was scared for this. Many for sure. But now it finally was the end. I felt so calm and almost happy for it. finally. No more pain or conspiracies around me. Finally.
The darkness closes in and I fell a deep sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I open my eyes. I'm silently coming to my senses again. I feel like would suddenly fallen into sleep after long day at doing something hard. I'm running. The sun keeps hovering over me. I'm thirsty. What happened? Why m'I running? What just happened? Where m I? I turn my head as I run to see whats behind me. Bad mistake. I fall. I feel something sharp beating over my face. Branches and trees hit me in a second I stop looking where I'm runnin. I struggle trought them with cursing and spitting needles from pinetrees as I run. Or struggle. At this rate running is impossible. I get clear of the worst bush and start running again. I turn around again to see if there is something behind me. I don't remember anything for couple last seconds. I m confused, and scared.
I get struct and hit again. But this time its different. Its something soft ... and furry. I fall down with it. I feel something metallic and cold being held against my neck. My heart starts racing even more. 'Shit.. I'm done for'.
---
.....
//
Want me to continiue? Maybe I will if you share this and comment this. :)
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
______________________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sky is darkening around me. I feel lonely.. and so cold. I feel like losting last rips of my senses as darkness falls over me. I try keep breathing and staying awake. But its impossible. I can't feel the pain anymore. I have felt too much of it. So I cant feel any no more. I smile. Finally.. Finally its time for the grand ending. -- But how much did it cost. How many times I was scared for this. Many for sure. But now it finally was the end. I felt so calm and almost happy for it. finally. No more pain or conspiracies around me. Finally.
The darkness closes in and I fell a deep sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I open my eyes. I'm silently coming to my senses again. I feel like would suddenly fallen into sleep after long day at doing something hard. I'm running. The sun keeps hovering over me. I'm thirsty. What happened? Why m'I running? What just happened? Where m I? I turn my head as I run to see whats behind me. Bad mistake. I fall. I feel something sharp beating over my face. Branches and trees hit me in a second I stop looking where I'm runnin. I struggle trought them with cursing and spitting needles from pinetrees as I run. Or struggle. At this rate running is impossible. I get clear of the worst bush and start running again. I turn around again to see if there is something behind me. I don't remember anything for couple last seconds. I m confused, and scared.
I get struct and hit again. But this time its different. Its something soft ... and furry. I fall down with it. I feel something metallic and cold being held against my neck. My heart starts racing even more. 'Shit.. I'm done for'.
---
.....
//
Want me to continiue? Maybe I will if you share this and comment this. :)
Immanuel - King of the Jungle
Listening atm. I so wanna have time to translate these songs for you. maybe I have at some point.
Deep forgotten memories - trying to catch them while writing random stuff
Its funny how when it silent and there is none to talk with I feel bored. But as soon there are people around me I feel tired and all energy inside my just burn up like leaf dipped in gasoline and then struck in firepit until there is nothing left.
But then I love meeting people and talking with them. But why I'm still scared of people? Why? None hurted me for while? Yes, I have been bullied and threatened in real life in my past. If you read my old posts you'll find out I had quite bad derpression (and yes, I'm still eating meds for it). But I just keep wondering how long this is going to last.
I have been at work like 5 weeks soon and I keep wondering why even everyone here are so nice why I sometimes feel like getting burnout just because there are poeple near me. Ya. I usually (like atm) listen music from my headphones so I could keep myself focused on the things I do. Ya. But why being near humans make me so tired?
I just wish I could dive deep inside my head and figure out whats the problemo this time. And yes, I still sometimes get the feeling like sometimes I'm me and sometimes I'm someone else. Its not like I forget my name and had OCD or multiple person in my head that don't have clue of of each others. And I think I can always control myself. But somehow its bit scary when I wake up morning and for now reason notice speaking to my mom "Meow meowgrr.." with no reason.
And then she is like "what?" And I m like Eerm. nothing. It only happens when I'm tired. Sometimes then I with out noticing start sneaking and growling. Its like some reflex for staying safe. But since haven't done it for while and this morning did it at my own home and on my way to toilets I'm quite confused. And yes, it seems I finally m starting to get to the point where I m starting to dive inside my own heart and head. And soul. I dunno if its vise to write these things here, and I dunno if half of them are actually happening. I also dunno if I'm kinda feeding them and making situation sound worse than it is.
..
Its just when I start typing and forgot everything around me I feel like I can see things differently. And when I keep writing my toughts down and like trap part of my head's content in this text. It makes analyzing myself easier. Ya. Sorry for this all shit here. I'm pretty sure none of you actually are interested in this. But I also feel I needs to start keeping track of my acting again.
Maybe this way I could go at the beginning point of my traumas and all bad that has been happening. When I try go there I feel like it just slips trough my fingers and dissappears and the tought is gone. And I feel like I m forgetting something really important atm. But.. but I cant tell what it is.
All I know I have feeling I'm getting close of something. Even loosing it all the time.
And I think I go eat something now and contiune my works after it. And then if manage get something posted here.
And yes. my co-parter at work just showed up and asked if I would go eat with him. Well I think I have to. The faded away memory I was remembering a while when I wrote this thing just dissappeared, and now I just keep wondering why did I open text editor again.. and what the heck I was writing in a first place.
Feeling so confused. Usually I remember why I statrted writing but now.. nope. Scary.
But then I love meeting people and talking with them. But why I'm still scared of people? Why? None hurted me for while? Yes, I have been bullied and threatened in real life in my past. If you read my old posts you'll find out I had quite bad derpression (and yes, I'm still eating meds for it). But I just keep wondering how long this is going to last.
I have been at work like 5 weeks soon and I keep wondering why even everyone here are so nice why I sometimes feel like getting burnout just because there are poeple near me. Ya. I usually (like atm) listen music from my headphones so I could keep myself focused on the things I do. Ya. But why being near humans make me so tired?
I just wish I could dive deep inside my head and figure out whats the problemo this time. And yes, I still sometimes get the feeling like sometimes I'm me and sometimes I'm someone else. Its not like I forget my name and had OCD or multiple person in my head that don't have clue of of each others. And I think I can always control myself. But somehow its bit scary when I wake up morning and for now reason notice speaking to my mom "Meow meowgrr.." with no reason.
And then she is like "what?" And I m like Eerm. nothing. It only happens when I'm tired. Sometimes then I with out noticing start sneaking and growling. Its like some reflex for staying safe. But since haven't done it for while and this morning did it at my own home and on my way to toilets I'm quite confused. And yes, it seems I finally m starting to get to the point where I m starting to dive inside my own heart and head. And soul. I dunno if its vise to write these things here, and I dunno if half of them are actually happening. I also dunno if I'm kinda feeding them and making situation sound worse than it is.
..
Its just when I start typing and forgot everything around me I feel like I can see things differently. And when I keep writing my toughts down and like trap part of my head's content in this text. It makes analyzing myself easier. Ya. Sorry for this all shit here. I'm pretty sure none of you actually are interested in this. But I also feel I needs to start keeping track of my acting again.
Maybe this way I could go at the beginning point of my traumas and all bad that has been happening. When I try go there I feel like it just slips trough my fingers and dissappears and the tought is gone. And I feel like I m forgetting something really important atm. But.. but I cant tell what it is.
All I know I have feeling I'm getting close of something. Even loosing it all the time.
And I think I go eat something now and contiune my works after it. And then if manage get something posted here.
And yes. my co-parter at work just showed up and asked if I would go eat with him. Well I think I have to. The faded away memory I was remembering a while when I wrote this thing just dissappeared, and now I just keep wondering why did I open text editor again.. and what the heck I was writing in a first place.
Feeling so confused. Usually I remember why I statrted writing but now.. nope. Scary.
Eeks!
Someone actually reads this? EEKS! *Scary*
Okay I wanna thank you all for supporting me and reading my posts. You make me so happy. *hugs* :3
It means me a lot. Ty. <3
--
Eli kiitos kaikille ihanille stalkkereille jotka on tällä viikolla lukeneet mun blogia. :3
何が私をリラックスして良い感じですか？日本語はそれのために良いです。
あなたたちは、実際にこれらを読めば、私は知りませんか？か否か？私は知りませんよ。私は誰かが実際にそれを読んでいましたでしょう願っています。しかし、私は気にしないでください。私はまだナンセンスを書いて大好きです。それはちょうど私を助けます。私は良い感じになります。私の頭の上に起こっている何かを書き込みます。私の頭は、すべての乱雑と変人です。そして、この世界は私のためにあまりにも面倒で変人です。私はあなたたちとそれを共有する必要があります。それは私が良い感じになります。だから、私は誰かが実際にこれを読み込むかどう私はそれにもかかわらず、このようなものを書いていきますと思いますか？そして、はい、私は、Googleの翻訳を乱用愛する深い行きたいとき。それは私がクスクス笑いになります。そして、日本は美しい言語です。私はそれを勉強していますが、私の悪いのために自分のスキルは、私が翻訳外で、このテキストを書くことができることがまだそれほど良いものではありません。しかし、私はまだたくは世界中の人に達します。
それは私が良い感じになります。話すように。それは私が安全に感じさせます。現実の世界とは異なり。私はあまりにも多くの人々を参照してください場合は、実際の言葉で、私は疲れて、ちょうどたい非表示になります。..今まで私が執筆、フィンランド語、英語、日本語を開始する必要がある場合、はい、私はまだ決めていないのですか？
私は、これらの言語のすべてが大好きです。私は主に直接フィンランドの人々に話をしたいときに多分ほとんどが、私はフィンランド行います。そして、その後、他の状況は、私は英語を使用しています。私はちょうどたい変更が振り返ると、それに同情する必要が出てと私の頭の外にすべてのものをドロップしたとき、私は日本のやる瞬間に思います。私は知りませんよ。それを使用すると、私はリラックスしになることを日本語で非常にかわいいものがあります。すべての「neeh "" KYAは "私は笑顔になります。
しかし屋。未来が保持しているかを見ることができます。日本語もっと勉強することを約束します。だから、誰かが実際にいくつかの日には、この混乱を読んで、それを理解することができました。
それは私が良い感じになります。話すように。それは私が安全に感じさせます。現実の世界とは異なり。私はあまりにも多くの人々を参照してください場合は、実際の言葉で、私は疲れて、ちょうどたい非表示になります。..今まで私が執筆、フィンランド語、英語、日本語を開始する必要がある場合、はい、私はまだ決めていないのですか？
私は、これらの言語のすべてが大好きです。私は主に直接フィンランドの人々に話をしたいときに多分ほとんどが、私はフィンランド行います。そして、その後、他の状況は、私は英語を使用しています。私はちょうどたい変更が振り返ると、それに同情する必要が出てと私の頭の外にすべてのものをドロップしたとき、私は日本のやる瞬間に思います。私は知りませんよ。それを使用すると、私はリラックスしになることを日本語で非常にかわいいものがあります。すべての「neeh "" KYAは "私は笑顔になります。
しかし屋。未来が保持しているかを見ることができます。日本語もっと勉強することを約束します。だから、誰かが実際にいくつかの日には、この混乱を読んで、それを理解することができました。
Chocolate fixes everything? Right? Right?
Well yes, since its "that time of the month" and I'm damn tired I decided to drink some chocolate coffee and hot chocolate and now I feel brilliant. :-D
At the moment I feel like there ain't thing that hot chocolate could not fix. Well now all I got is to wait till the sugar stops working and running trough my brain and I get down from being high on sugar rush. Eew. Not gonna happen soon. But bros if hot chocolate ain't working you don't use it enough. ;-)
"Jos kaakao ei korjaa ongelmaasi, et käytä sitä tarpeeksi"
So I thinks it end of this lesson, or is it? Want some more? Well maybe later. But now I have to consentrate on my work. And yes, since I m not so keen on spamming this stuff on my Facebook account with my own name on it I spam it here. So enjoy. :P
At the moment I feel like there ain't thing that hot chocolate could not fix. Well now all I got is to wait till the sugar stops working and running trough my brain and I get down from being high on sugar rush. Eew. Not gonna happen soon. But bros if hot chocolate ain't working you don't use it enough. ;-)
"Jos kaakao ei korjaa ongelmaasi, et käytä sitä tarpeeksi"
So I thinks it end of this lesson, or is it? Want some more? Well maybe later. But now I have to consentrate on my work. And yes, since I m not so keen on spamming this stuff on my Facebook account with my own name on it I spam it here. So enjoy. :P
Weird feeling in the morning
*yawns* Goohooodoodh moorning *yanws*
..
Well thats all I can say atm. For somereason I feel bad. My head is sore and my throat feels like I got bunch of kitten hair and slime stuck inside it. I keep thinking what did I eat this morning. Just normal bread with some salad dressing. Ya. I eat that stuff. Not because I'm lazy but I think it tastes like chicken. And now when I type it outload I see how stupid it sounds. Well too lazy to erase it.
...
But still I feel like I was tired or drunken or something. Like I was to fall a sleep and pass out in any seckond. Its odd. Maybe this is what people call burnout? Yay! Finally!.. Nope.
Well I still try work as hard as I can. See ya around. Loving ya.
-varjokani
..
Well thats all I can say atm. For somereason I feel bad. My head is sore and my throat feels like I got bunch of kitten hair and slime stuck inside it. I keep thinking what did I eat this morning. Just normal bread with some salad dressing. Ya. I eat that stuff. Not because I'm lazy but I think it tastes like chicken. And now when I type it outload I see how stupid it sounds. Well too lazy to erase it.
...
But still I feel like I was tired or drunken or something. Like I was to fall a sleep and pass out in any seckond. Its odd. Maybe this is what people call burnout? Yay! Finally!.. Nope.
Well I still try work as hard as I can. See ya around. Loving ya.
-varjokani
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
laiska?
And again when I feel I had time to do something creative I find myself first sleeping, then playing Osu and then just surfing around web to find Pokemon episodes to watch.
..
"People call me lazy even I did nothing (wrong)" as they say in Finnish. :-D
But I quess that is what working is.
..
"People call me lazy even I did nothing (wrong)" as they say in Finnish. :-D
But I quess that is what working is.
Fashion and being me
Fashion for Passion...? Ya for Passion of the Christ.
..
For somereason I get reflex-like bad feeling and feel sick when ever I hear the word "fashion". I just don't get it. Okay. For myself its most important that my clothes feel good and look nice for my taste. I don't give damn about if they are okay by fashion. Or at the other hand if someone says I look cool and I have good fashion skills and I'm wearing trend clothes you might be quite sure I destroy the peace of clothes first time I get the change. I dunno. I just somehow feel like I was allergic to it. Maybe I'm.
..
And whats the big who wha about what people look like anyhow? Okay I get it its not right if you wear trash bag and dog poop on you but other than that I'm not interested. Ya. Just popped to my mind to write about this thing since there seems to be so many fashion centered blogs and people around. And also I just keep wondering if I should change my point of view. But since I got no reason for it I think I'm not doing it. Not today at least. Maybe tomorrow. Or I dunno. Hehe.
But ya other thing I don't get when people don't like themselves and try look like someone else. Like some movie star or film star or charachter from some book. I get it people in movies are beautiful. But so are you. Every one of us is beautiful. In our own way. We all are unique and important. So if you don't look like every averange movie star just be happy. You aren't mass production and cheap copy cat. You are you and perfect the way you are. That is the point and thing that makes each one of us valuabe and unique. We are we and there is no way of replacing any of us.
Humans are unique and I think thats how it should be. But somehow we are scared of it?
Well Maybe I quit this typing now and make an other post about being scared of it.
..
For somereason I get reflex-like bad feeling and feel sick when ever I hear the word "fashion". I just don't get it. Okay. For myself its most important that my clothes feel good and look nice for my taste. I don't give damn about if they are okay by fashion. Or at the other hand if someone says I look cool and I have good fashion skills and I'm wearing trend clothes you might be quite sure I destroy the peace of clothes first time I get the change. I dunno. I just somehow feel like I was allergic to it. Maybe I'm.
..
And whats the big who wha about what people look like anyhow? Okay I get it its not right if you wear trash bag and dog poop on you but other than that I'm not interested. Ya. Just popped to my mind to write about this thing since there seems to be so many fashion centered blogs and people around. And also I just keep wondering if I should change my point of view. But since I got no reason for it I think I'm not doing it. Not today at least. Maybe tomorrow. Or I dunno. Hehe.
But ya other thing I don't get when people don't like themselves and try look like someone else. Like some movie star or film star or charachter from some book. I get it people in movies are beautiful. But so are you. Every one of us is beautiful. In our own way. We all are unique and important. So if you don't look like every averange movie star just be happy. You aren't mass production and cheap copy cat. You are you and perfect the way you are. That is the point and thing that makes each one of us valuabe and unique. We are we and there is no way of replacing any of us.
Humans are unique and I think thats how it should be. But somehow we are scared of it?
Well Maybe I quit this typing now and make an other post about being scared of it.
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