How did this happen - My sleep flinching - my health - Me just being stupid

Writers editoral toughts;
I was gonna make this a short post about what I had been doing but somehow I got carried away into hyper focus mode and it ended to be huge pile of text. I just noticed that I did not even mention what i found from flee market. Maybe I make an other post about it after publishing this. Lol.

Today I was at new laboratory tests and they took a blood sample test and somekind of heat rate chart. My doctor will call me tomorrow afternoon to tell me the end reasaults for it. All they said now was that my pulse was bit high. Yes I know it is. And I'm lowkey worried about it because it keeps changing a lot during the day. When I sleep and wake up its somewhat 67 but when I get up and walk to the toilet it can go up to 100 for a moment. Currently I'm just arrived back home from the fleemarket and just casually typing with my laptop and currently it was 97 for a while. I also notice that for some reason I keep pausing my breath to keep myself more calm. I do it with out thinking, but I know I usually do it when I m hyper focusing on stuff, like I m now hyper focusing on typing this text. Now my heartbeat seems to be around 75. I dunno how accurate it is because I m using Microsoft Band to measure it from my left wrist.  Sometimes when I try to "breath normally" and slowly like normal person I get bit pain in my upper chest and I m thinking that maybe indeed there is something wrong with my heart also.

But because I already have something wrong with my brains because ADHD I really don't know if worrying about stuff makes me feel any better. All I know that ADHD has something to do how the information runs trough my brain. And when I mentioned about my ADHD to the person taking the blood test she was like "Oh okay then we are gonna take the heart rate film about the areas where heart is active and stuff also." It was really quick test and I don't know if I should be worried or not.

I m already stressing way too much about the fact  that I currently don't have a job or any idea about even what do I wanna do with my life. Thinking about it makes me feel anxious and stressed, and I try to avoid any kind of stress because I'm that kind of person whom usually stresses with their stomac. Like if I stress I might get ill just because of the stress. My body reactions to all kind of stress is really strong. And I think it also causes me somekind of state of panic attack or melt down. When I m scared or stressed about something I can't think clearly. I just kinda freeze and keep over analyzing stuff inside my brains until I get tired about it and fall a sleep.

I know I have some issues to deal with this bad habit of over analyzing stuff and always being fearing for the worst. I tend to always assume the worst of everything. I always assume that a) everyone hates me, b) everyone thinks I'm stupid c) Everyone wants to harm me in some way.

I know its silly, but it some kind of backtrack of a trauma from me being bullied and harmed in my past. Also after reading some text about psycology of the early childhood I've learned that also the fact that my mom left me to the hospital after giving a birth and the nurses always changing on the hosiptal and the orphanage gave me somekin of trauma and somekind of habit to always assume that no one is not gonna stay with me. I somehow lost my trust with people during that situation. I was almost never held or talked to until I was adopted to Finland as one years old and appearently that is one reason why I was terrified of my parents going anywhere with out me as a child. And still as an adult I prefer to know what people are doing and if I can reach to them when if I need help.

Also this might be why I'm so much having trust issues with everyone around me. Exept the people I've gotten to know. The people I consider part of my extended family.

But like if I meet a stranger I still think that they hate me automaticly. I've been trying to train myself away from this. And I think I've been doing great job. Today I have courage to talk to the staff on stores and in libraries when I need help.

But like on personal level I notice I'm still really suspecting that during the first hint the other people looks me in certain way I feel terrified and I'm absolutely sure that they hate me and want to get rid of me.

I still notice that I need to learn that I don't need other peoples approval to exist or be alive. I'm still uncontionally looking for other people's approval even I know that this kind of life is both really rough and really bad on me.

Also I've noticed that when I used to think I'm the most easiest person to get along with I might not be so easy person that I always tough myself to be. Here is something that I also wanna train myseslf to and learn to be better as a person. I want to be the kind of person that people enjoy spending time with and hanging out with. And a person that others like. But then I also want to learn not to fully relay on the fact that others need me. Because the fact is that in reality I'm just rabbit brained girl from Finland with no boyfriend. I'm not vital to anyones life and I should stop looking the reason to live from other peoples. I should find it within my own self. Same goes with the courage to try new things and meet new people.

Maybe partially because my phobias and partially because of my ADHD, I find starting things to be the most hard part. Yes, once I start doing something there is nothing to stop me. But the first step takes me for ever. Whatever it was to clean the house or try to find a job.

I think I should have been able to send like 10 applications for the new job by now but I just dont know who to send it to. Like I dont trust my own skills enough to believe that anyone would actually want me. And then there is that I m not even sure what I want myself.  Okay I do know what I want.
I want to write stuff like this and talk with people online and watch youtube vids and play video games, but as far as I'm considering no one is willing to pay me for this so yeah. I kinda feel stuck.
And yes I love to draw but I'm not so sure if I'm so good at that either. I feel really unsecure about me doing anything. My worst fear on working on somebody else is letting them down.
I learned that at the late Game Jam I was working with a month back. I'm terrified of making simple mistake and making people pissed of because of it. And I'm terrified to not to be good enough for other people.

To me it tells that I still use other people to measure the worth of my life. I still care about what other people think about me. Only escape mechanism I have for that is to snap into full Rocket Raccoon mode and not care about anything or anyone. But I also know how destructive tha is towards other people and myself included. I don't want to hurt anyone, or anything. I want everything to be fine for everyone. Me included. And when its not I freeze and panic and feel like there is not anything I can do besides of crying. And the worst part there is that because me slashing to Rocket Raccoon mode I cant even cry. I feel burning in my chest and in my eyes but the tears just arent coming. I feell somekind of barrier being held up inside my head that is trying to stop me from breaking into billion pieces. And I myself think that the barrier is a bad thing. I myself think that if I was able to cry it out it would get easier. And my depression would be miraciously cured. But then again I've learned lately that in fact I know nothing about anything, my own state of mind included. I dont even know who I'm. All I know is that I'm hurt and unable to loosen my guard fully to anything. And same times I feel like I'm keeping all by guards down and taking the full hits.

I also feel like I was switching into someone else while still being me and remembering it all. Sometimes when I'm feeling stable myself I wanna be a mom to everything and keep everyone else safe. But when I lash into being tired I feel like I just wanna hurt everything around me by insulting them and telling how stupid they are. But like I've been hurt a lot myself so I dont really want to hurt anyone the way I was hurt in my childhood. I know how it turns people into almost literal monster being hurt too much. And I don't want anyone to suffer for it.

But same time there is this what happens when I get tired. I act like a rabid raccoon with out thinking anything but feeling good and getting this feel of being strong and surviving and winning. I myself feel bit scared of this. Like part of me wants to be a protector and friend people can trust. Other side of me just wants to lash all the anger inside me back to people around me.

To me all people are the creations of God and something I should not destroy or harm in any way. But still I end up being really childish and getting insulted by people I love and wanting to insult them back. And it scares me. I dont know why I want to do that. Sometimes I just feel like I'm a mess and I wanna hide from everyone so I would not hurt anything by accident.

But ya. I will know more about the test reasaults by tomorrow afternoon. I feel bit nervous. I hope I can still keep up living normaly at home and I dont need to go to the hospital because I'm the kind of person who gets all crying if there is not enough quiet and darkness to me to fall a sleep feeling secure.

I think this also might be something to do with my childhood but I like it when its quiet. If someone is talking in the next room when I'm trying to fall a sleep I cant fall a sleep because my brains keep up trying to follow the conversation even I told them  not to. Maybe something to do with weird shadow people I used to see when I was a a toddler. Like I saw shapes of people walking around in my room and sitting down and thinking. I would hide from them under my planket till I fell a sleep. I dunno if it was my imagination during I had really strong orange night light at the corner of my room. But for some reason I m always at somekind of guard mode when I try to relax and get some sleep.

Now after I got this Microsoft Band I've also noticed that I tend to twitch/ or flicnh when I'm about to fall a sleep. And the twitching movement that my neck and shoulders do is usually enough to kick me back awake. I do it with out wanting to.

Appearently also when I sleep I switch back to being partially awake once per hour and if my Microsoft Band is not lying I keep awaking from 7-13 times during the night. Last night for me was really short because I stayed up watching Guardians of the Galaxy episodes and awoke early to get to my tests so I only awkoken 9 times while I got 6h34mins of sleep. And my sleep quality was at 89% during last night. Again. I m not sure if I should consider this to be normal or get worried for it. The switch/stroke/flinch thing has only happened be like 2 times on day time directing me into dropping something from my hands. Other than that i barely notice it. Unless I'm feeling sleepy and trying to stay awake. Then I usually notice it.

It seems to start from my upper back and ending to my neck. Its like fast short pulse that makes me tilt my head bit up and makes me straighten my sitting position when I sit. When I sleep it just  twists my neck and my heap backwards like I was stretching my body.

But now when thinking about it, there was some mention on my medical papers when adopted me doing some weird head movement sometimes and trying to bend my head upward toward my neck.

Also fun bonus fact:
As a kid I did not how to think with out saying stuff outloud. I remember the time when I learned to do it. I was absolutely thrilled for thinking people around me stupid with out them getting mad at me. During the time I was somewhat 4-5 years old.

When writing my blog I still notice that this is actually still the best way to me think with out putting stuff into actual words. I dunno if writing stuff has actually any help for me but it makes me feel better and it makes me feel like I've done some self study and it helps me to understand myself better as a person when I write stuff down. And about sharing the stuff I write? I dunno. Maybe I just want other people to be able to read it so if they find something they can relate or disagree then maybe they can help me to understand myself even better. Besides I believe this text is way too long and boring to anyone actually ever read so I don't think if I put this stuff here as a public or not.

But if you are actually reading this, big thank you for caring enough or being bored enough to enjoy reading it trough till the end.

Edit:
Thanks to my friend who read this blog pointing out that appearently this thing is actually quite common:

Why Do People 'Twitch' When Falling Asleep?

Lyhyt GNG musiikkisessio

Sorry this is Finnish only but here is quick show off about how to play Ginga nagareboshi melodies with piano.

Hello my dear diary

Appearently this is one of these days when nothing works. Because I could not find my Protool SE install disc I went to Avid's web page and downloadedd Pro Tools First. Appearently it does not support my M-audio KeyStudio. I tried to install some drivers for it and it only made my computer crash while I tried to restart the laptop.

Yes it plays like 4 keys of music and then it lags and keeps the latest key pressed for a while. Then it does not react to any keys pressed for 15 seconds. Ya. I m not able to make music with that. Or at least I feel too lazy for it. I might hook my old syntethisator to it tough and try with it instead lol.
But I still wish I knew where did I put my install discs. I did register myself to Avid sites old days when I got the stuff, but it seems that they have changed servers at least once and they dont remember me anymore. Damn. At the moment I feel like crying and going to hide in bed for rest of the day because I feel this stress being too much for me.

Also this is that time of the month again anyways so maybe I should just quit trying to do anything productive for today and just sleep this day trough.



I'm also thinking to maybe join at some an other game jam project in the future, but I think I need to practice pixel art under stress before I can go show my face there again.

Also I'm gonna go take my Thyroid test reasault tomorrow morning. I could not take them earlier because our car was not in use and I would have to go to the laboratories at early morning. The laboratories are gonna open up tomorrow at 8 am and I was planning to go there by early morning.
I'm not all scared of it. I find it mildy annoying that I will have to go anywhere during my perioids. I wanna just stay in home and hug Pocky.

The thing I m terrified is the an other test that they are gonna re-try to take from me. I'm literally not so keen on feeling horrible amount of pain and Im begging they will put me under some kind of medication before taking it. I dont think any normal person likes the feeling of being stabbed in their private areas. But appearently some actually do. Humans are crazy.

Well if you ask me today I think everyone is crazy and I wanna just scream and yell and cry and eat all the ice cream there is.. Just because I did not figure out how to make one computer program work.

well the editor works just fine. Its just that my KeyStudio is not working with it. I wanna yell and kick something. But then again I feel enough pain because of my perioids so I m just gonna sit here on my laptop and write shit to my blog about it all.

Rocket Raccoon Tribute - So What?

This song and this vid are so my current mood towards everything and everyone. Rocket Raccoon is my fave Marvel charachter and I can relate to him on so many levels and there is a really good reason behind it.
Lyrics:

So what if I'm crazier than crazy?
So what if I'm sicker than sick?
So what if I'm out of control?
Maybe that's what I like about it

You can say that I'm going insane
And I'm not quite right
And that I'm to blame
You can say that I'm sick on the inside
Bet you don't know I like it that way
You can say whatever you like
If it's so wrong I don't wanna be right!

So what if I'm crazier than crazy?
So what if I'm sicker than sick?
So what if I'm out of control?
Maybe that's what I like about it
So what?
So what?

You can say that I'm going insane
And I'm not quite right
And that I'm to blame
I don't care you can say what you want to
I am who I am and I'll never be like you
You can say whatever you like
If it's so wrong I don't wanna be right!

So what if I'm crazier than crazy?
So what if I'm sicker than sick?
So what if I'm out of control?
Maybe that's what I like about it
So what?
So what?

And when I'm up
It's better than ever
And when I'm down
I'm desperate
And when I'm up
It's better than ever
And when I'm down
I'm desperate
I'm desperate
I'm desperate

So what if I'm crazier than crazy?
So what if I'm sicker than sick?
So what if I'm out of control?
Maybe that's what I like about it
So what?
So what?

Yamaha Portasound Voice Bank PSS-270

I managed to connect my old Yamaha Portasound Voice Bank PSS-270 Keyboard to the charger of the old firewall system so I can play with it. Its old mini-keyboard with 100 different sounds and couple options for automatic beats on the background.

I used to play with it since I was 4 years old and I've dropped it many times. As a child I used to use it with flashlight batteries. This bad boy takes 6 old flashlight batteries to run for over half a month but since I did not have batteries in my hand I borrowed old power cable from  my dad's study room.

 I connected to my laptop's mic port to be able to listen the music myself with out alarming the whole house while playing along with old school anime themes. I think I still almost remember how to play anime themes. I did promise a week back to someone that I would give it a try and try to record stuff to youtube. I still think I might wanna keep practicing.

I did let one of my friends, Rekti to listen while I played and since he was still alive to talk about Ginga Densetsu Noah rumours with me over video chat I think I did at least okay. I mean I did not kill him with my horrible playing. It is a good sign. Now I think I could go get myself some chicken burritos and then maybe train playing with the keyboard some more and then maybe play some video games. Yes I haven't been playing with this thing in a while and since its so much smaller than the regular piano or even the regular syntethisator it takes some getting to use to it.
The keyboard is baby sitzed and is small as 1M measuring sticks that I saw last time at the first grade of school.
Here is Youtube review that I found about the keyboard:

Like you can see its really tiny. But this bad boy is really durable. I've dropped mine from the table direcly to the cold stone floor multiple times and it still works.

Only down side is while using the normal microphone audio jack to capture the audio the audio can sound bit like its too loud and broken.  I take it I used to play it really loud as a kid from its own speakers.

But ya. Now its time for me for the burritos and then I will go back to training.

What if..

I almost should apologize for stupid ideas but naah.

But like what if Ginga Densetsu Noah was somewhat of mentaly limited and needed other dogs for support. Or maybe if he was half deaf or full deaf and he would need to rely his other senses to survive.

I kinda like it when charachters aren't too perfect and have their skill set limitations and they learn to boost their other skills still to cope with life. I kinda wanna see gng dog that has normal dog skills and not too over powered charachter. Then he will learn use his other skills  when he has no super streght or super speed.

But then again it would not be GNG-series with out hyper over powered super dogs that can do anything alone. I kinda hope that Noah is small somewhat handicapped pup that is not perfect in any way but he still manages to be a good leader and nice character.

I kinda wanna see something different.

And now after the worst adhd energy gone from my own body I m not even sure what I want anymore. But just a tough of simple and weak dog learning to take ropes after super dogs like Gin and Weed would be such fun to watch.

Blackouts inside my head during the hyperactivity

This morning was really interesting considering my ADHD. I have been trying to walk and jog/fastwalk daily at least 2 km per day as those of you who have been reading this blog know.
When I woke up this morning I felt really energized, and really like I needed to do something. I noticed myself constantly wanting to talk or do something. I haven't been feeling so clear signs of hyper activity lately myself so this was bit scary even for me.
My parents ofcourse "love" when I go all hyper active from the morning.

I dunno if me doing +2km fast walking session for 30 min today did me any good. I feel so hyper active.
Also when I was walking back home I noticed I had small blackout. Or I dunno what to call it. Its when I m thinking something, either from some movie or something that happened to me I faze out and I m not unable to see anything around me.

It sometimes happen when I walk and I m kinda scared of it and I dont even know if its normal. Like I started to think about Bicer Mice and the new remake of the series, and then I was thinking of character called Hannibal Hairball. For while I couls just hear the characters voice in my head talking with Throttle about some lines I was thinking, and I could like see them in my mind. But for split second I could not see the real world around me. Or I think I did see it but it did not leave any memory trace inside my head and it felt scary.

I haven't had those space outs in walking in a while. I often have them in a shower and I cant literally remember if I have put conditioner or shampoo in my head during it. Now when I think about it it might be one reason why I m so terrified about driving a car. Like there I have to look both in front of me, and the sides and check the rear mirror once in 5 seconds and continiously focus on everything at once. I've driven with driving teacher around big cities like Järvenpää and Helsinki and Kerava. And he noted that I was able to drive for somewhat half an hour but then my focus would start slipping and if I would try keep driving I would end up crying and having minor panic attacks because feeling so exhausted. That is why I to this day havent had courage to go to the driving tests. I'm also terrified if I will just answer all the questions wrong. Or forget something. Mostly I m scared of me being in traffic when I could space out like that. All I know it has something to do with me being some level of tired.

Also I just read from this one book that discussed ADHD people that in fact my brains are lagging and slow. And when they are trying to boost my tough to the normal level I start acting hyper active. Its really interesting to know.

But like now I when I came back home from walking I felt like my brains were so much full of energy that I just had to use it somewhere before I annoy all the people around me dead. I already went on answering some posts on this one anime/manga fan-forum that I have been hanging on. I soon noticed after starting to write I was fast writing a short story there or even a novel so  I said to myself that I would need to stop writing there and come here to write my blog instead before I drive everyone crazy with my constent need of talking. Or in this case my need of writing. I dunno how but it just happens automaticly. I m not putting any tough or energy into this. I m just sitting here staring at the screen as I feel bit dizzy and confused and bit spaced out. And the text just keeps appearing here. At this point I have only feint memory what I did write on the beginning of the text. Or why I m writing this text. It just comes from somewhere back side of my head. Its creepy.

Also for my sad duty I have to report that Microsoft Band servers are now officially dead. I noticed it when I was trying to connect my wrist pedometer to the server. Sad. But luckily the local GPS is still working and it is counting meters and the speed and the heart rate so I think Im still gonna use it. Even its not saving them anywhere anymore. Also its still keeping track of my sleep and how many times I have awoken up during my sleep.
Fun fact is that according to my Microsoft Band I keep awaking during my sleep at least 11 times during the night. I dunno if this has something to do with ADHD also. But I also get like only 10 to 25 mins of the actual deep sleep.

I think I will have to try study this from the web because I dont think the book I have about ADHD has all the answers.

My oppinion on Ads?

Before I started using Ads myself in my blog I used to hate ads. But now when I realize how much of a difference just me seeing some ads and clicking them makes to the person who is hosting the ads I often find myself clicking ads on people's blog to give them like 00.03 cent earnings. Also I've found really nice stuff from Advertisement. I remember my first fave online game gosupermodel is something I found from advertisement. And I also found lots of nice drawing sites and gadgets from ads. I'm not saying that you have to focus on the ads on my site but I'm just saying that I found some nice stuff from ads when I was browsing online.
One thing that I can say is that I monitor the ads on my web page daily and make sure that there is nothing unsuitable there.

But like keeping your own blog changes your view on many things.  I recommend blogging to everyone who enjoys writing stuff about their daily life and their hobbies. This is actually really relaxing.

Hahaha now I know who he is XD

Lets talk about Ginga Densetsu Noah.

I've been reading the Finnish GNG-forum and today someone finally at least 99% confirmed it being this guy:

Yes, I've been familiar with GNG merchandise mostly trough animes like Ginga Nagareboshi Gin, and Ginga Densetsu Weed. I tried to start buying manga, but I ran out of pocket money after 3th GNG book. That is why my point of view from this can be different to those who have been following the manga. To me this is the first GNG main charachter who does not resemble Gin at all. Yes, I m aweare of Rigel, Sirius and Orion. While Orion is first GNG main hero with different fur color he still is reconized as "average Ginga charachter" by everyone from just one look at him. Yes while Takahashi's art style is really recognizable and everyone is still able to tell that this is Yoshiro Takahashi's work I would still call out this being the first  not direct Ginga mockup copy as a charachter. At least considering how he looks by coloring. Yes he still clearly is at least 1% Akita dog, but still I'm interested to see what kind of person Noah turns to be as a person. Takahashi has been critizited at least people I know a lot about how the main charachter is always too similiar to the old one. Of curse most of these people are like me, and have only seen Weed and Gin in anime.
While Weed was critisized for being "too nice" and "too merciful" he still was quite the same as Gin. Maybe the "Wanna be friends with everyone" bar boosted bit too much he was still really much like Gin was when he was young.

It could be that Yoshiro has finally realized that he can't tell the same story too many times.. About same family of dogs having lost contact with their fathers and father not even knowing about their son. But we will have to wait for more updates on Kaksoissola.net to find out.

What I have been doing today

Today I have been doing fast-walking for half an hour. My legs are still killing me. Also Ive played a lot of the Sims 4. Ive forgotten how fun game it actually is. I think is should stream it more. I did stream it a bit but because I havent been streaming for while I found it bit exhausting. As those who know me know, at the other hand Im really social person and I love talking with people. But then I'm also kind of person who gets exhausted when being around of lots of people or pressure. And streaming also is stressing in a way. Especially when I keep the face cam on. I m always worrying if I talk clear enouhg or look okay for the shot.

I m really self aware and I tend to critisize myself way too much and that is most common reason for me being tired in the end. I m just over extending stuff inside my small rabbit brains and making such a fuss about everything when in the end there is nothing to worry about. One example of this kind of behaviour is I got really nervous when I noticed someone was checking this blog once in half an hour from same IP address. As blog writer I should be happy for it but for some reason my first question was like "Did I do something wrong because someone is reading my blog?" And I stressed and chatted about it for couple dear friends of mine and they convinced me that it was okay and normal. But like I admit that I must have some kind of trauma of situations where I'm noticed I usually flarg something up and fail so much that at least someone is displeased on me. And there we go again on the subject that I've talked a lot about lately. I still have this odd urge to please people and over think about what other people think about me into the lengts that I m not able to enjoy at all.
Now I realize how silly it was me to panic about getting readers when in fact I love that you guys read this blog. I enjoy talking and telling you what I think about. But for some reason I just got bit creeped out.

But that does not mean that I dont want you to read my blog. I just was not so used into fact that someone would actually read this. To me this has been mostly a thing I do for my own enjoyment and I havent been really paying any attenttion whatever someone reads this or not even I did put Adsense up here like years ago. And yes, I m sorry that you have to suffer trough Ads, but at the moment I dont have a job and I could really use the extra money Google is offering for each Add that I manage to show so please bare with it.

Oh boy. I was planning this to be short update from today but somehow this just got out of paws again. Well, this is me, when I start to talking or writing about something there is no end for the fload of words or the text. The stuff just comes automaticly out from my brains with out me noticing anything, exept the huge amount of text that I've left behind. Its crazy really how I just think like okay lets put here couple of words about what I've been doing today and before I even notice it there are lots of text, but then again people say its a good thing.

But anyhows its past 21:00 pm local time and I think I'm going to quit hanging online and playing the Sims 4 for today and I will try to go and get some sleep.

But again, I love when you people have the energy to read my blog. Big thank you for that. Hugs and God bless and good night.
-Varjokani

Psst..

Just in case you all missed it I m currently streaming here.
Edit: Okay fun is over. I will stream more later. I hope you enjoyed it.
*hugs*

Thinks to be waiting for in summer 2019

Here are some things that I m currently waiting for in summer 2019

1.  Lion King Live action
   really scared really, because its made by same folk that did Jungle Book, and that movie failed on som many levels. It failed for trying to copy the book and to copy the Disney cartoon. It took all things I loved in both of them and threw them out from the window. Thay almost ruined the whole Daddyheera* for me.
2. My Birthday
   That event  coming at 21.06 and I'm really nervous for it. I m not ready to be 25 years old. But the good thing is that this year me and my irl friend who has birthday one day earlier than me are throwing a party together. I still have to figure what to buy for him. He did buy me Fallout 4 last year.
3.  Ginga Nagareboshi Gin stage drama show
   I loved the "original" Finnish theatherical releases of both Ginga and Weed. They were awesome. Ive been hanging out on this one Finnish GNG site waiting for news if there is gonna be official dvd release of the product later on that I can purchase. I dunno if I m gonna hang out in the forums after recieving info of the drama show. Maybe, if I get hyped. But for one thing I m sure. GNG will never replace Guardians of the Galaxy in my heart. Fun fact I did originally fall in love with them for same reason; The awesome music and relatable charachters. Now as an adult  I can see how annoying charachter Gin was as in Ginga Nagareboshi Gin. For the sequels Yoshiro Takahashi toned it down in heavy strokes. But truth is if one acts like Gin in real life they get hated and bullied. Other peole aren't so keen on being friends with you if you take life lessons from Ginga considering your social skills and how you act towards other people. Yes it teaches to be honest and kind, but Gin is more than that. He is annoying and he exepts everyone to wanting to be his friends. I learned it the hard way that one can't be friend with everyone.
4. Ginga Densetsu Noah
   This one I m not so keen on waiting but I m still following the news about it while I wait news from the stage drama. For so long as I m considered no one actually knows who Noah is or what Noah is. Its exiting.
   
   And added bonus because of the 4th is
5.  Deaths of Gin and Akame
   Almost all characters from the original Ginga nagareboshi Gin are gone and fans have been critisizing the fact that Gin is still alive and well. More weird part is that Akame seems to be just fine.. even he was semi-old dog in actual Ginga nagareboshi gin saga. I really want to try  some facial elixir he is putting on his face to keep it so pretty. But as a child I remember loving that anime and loving these characters, and as an adult I've learned that all good things come to the bitter end. I'm not even the fan of the series anymore, apart the musical. I loved it because it had awesome 1980's music from my childhood turned into Finnish songs about the plot of GNG.

*Daddyheera and Mommaheera= The name I call Bagheera when he is acting like super motherly and protective towards Mowgli.

Updates on Weed

Hi. We are back from x-rays. There is no clear noticeable bone fracture but the sinew has partially loosen from the bone. Its still half attached to it on his left hind leg. Doctor put some bandgage on him but it fell straight when he walked trough dog gate on my door. Also when he tried to walk with it it seemed too heavy for him and it seemed just to give him more annoyence than use.
I might try make new bandage for him for the night to support the leg. But he is a cat and the vet warned us that it might slip loose really soon.

He got some  inflammatory drugs and order for house arrest for 3 weeks. We should try look after him so he would not jump around indoors either. But he loves jumping and sitting in high places and begging for food. First thing he did once he got home was rush to my room for cat food.

We will have to go for check up visit within 2-3 weeks afterwards to decide whatever we will keep giving him the painkillers for rest of his life. Im relieved to hear that it was not broken bone, but I m still bit worried. Now all I can hope is that the feet heals itself. But the hard factor is that Weedi is already 13 years old, and old cats heal slower than the young ones.
But Im hovewer grateful to have my "big baby boy" back home safe. Also I  owe to my in real life best friend for life for driving me to the wet and back home. You are the best sister! I dunno what would I have done with out you. Normally I would have bugged my mom into it, since I live with my family, but our car is currently under repairs.

But ya. Now I feel much more relaxed than I did before going to the wet. I might be able to get something to eat and maybe do some streaming that I ve have longing to do for a week. Only dark cloud in my life now is the literal ones because I can see them in the sky, and I can also feel my thunder headache poking my brains.

But in short he has a fracture where the area of ​​attachment of the joint, the plexus or the muscle stroke is torn off the bone at least partially.

Getting rid of unhealthy habits and addictions

First step is admitting to having a problem. Admitting that you are doing something that is unhealthy for you either menthal or physical way. Often the hardest part is the part where one admits that they have a problem. Only then and only after that it can be treated and helped to deal with.

Second part is realizing why something is unhealthy for you. You may know it but getting it hammered deep inside your heart can make huge difference. If you notice you drink too much Cola or hang out too much over the internet you will have to explain yourself why those are bad for you. Cola can harm your body in a way that it makes you fat. If  you keep browsing internet and just staring the blank screen all day long it can harm your brains. But mostly it harms your own social relationships. All the time one takes sitting on computer is time away from being with friends and talking with them.

And if one keeps just hanging online too much one will soon notice that all social skills are gone and humans are starting to avoid you. I have had slight social media addiction myself so I know what I m talking about. Also I have had Coca Cola addiction. It is no help saying "yaya. Its bad for me."

You need to say "Its bad for me because it makes me fat." or "Its bad for me because it takes time away from being happy with my friends."

Most important to think about this is if one just sits on computer and reads something they hate. Internet should never should be used as tortue device. If you find something over internet that makes you feel uncofortable you should not use all day of staring at it. It will destroy your brains. Also too much stress and negativity in general is harmful for your brains.

That is why Im linking a live stream video of Kitten Academy live stream here in the bottom so we can all just relax and watch something nice and positive for the change:

Kitten Academy Live Stream

Weed jumping game

Good morning. This morning to me started really slowly due to the reason I was finding it hard timt to shoo Weedi from my bed. It seems the painkiller shot he got helped, and he was finally able to sleep after being in great pain all day long.

 He even was purring again in the evening. I gave it in after midnight in a way that I first carried small babydoll-sized copy of my bed that we had in kitchen to my room, then brought some water to my room, and brought some catfood.

 When Weedi saw food he carefully stepped down from my bed using small stool I had put next to the bed. Then he rushed to eat. He must have felt like a little princess again because normally my room is where "the littlemen", aka Zorro and Veli normally dine, while Weed eats in our dressing room, wich is next to the showers. Its warm there and its has many places he can sit and lay dow.

 We feed them separetely because while Zorro lets everyone push him around and and is more than willing to let someone else to eat his food I have hands down to work to make sure Veli wont shoo Zorro away from food. And like Veli does not act aggressively at all, mere  the fact of Veli walking near the food and smelling it is enough to make Zorro back down. And Veli has habit of tasting bit of food from both of the cups and just leaving it there. But since Veli has tasted from them Zorro thinks they belong to Veli. And then no one eats the food. And Weedi is already too well known for "coming to clean the plates" afterwards. We usually let Zorro come and eat it during the night time. Yes, Zorro eats when he is hungry, but because he rarely moves anywhere and he just is lazy with me he rarely feels the need to eat so much.

But ya, tonight Weedi was sleeping in my room. While I went to the kitchen I saw Zorro sitting middle of kitchen's table and staring at me with judgement in his eyes. Usually he is the one who sleeps next me till I fall a sleep. He is something I call "my autistic little princess.." because the way he acts to things. He is really cute and I m partially to blame, okay I m all to blame for it because Ive been mothering him and spoiling him rotten from the moment I got the cat twins Zorro and Veli.

After having the dream come true from Weedi and eating in my room with permission he laid rest, not to the bed I carried for him, but on floor. I told him good night, and I told him he is free to use both the bed on the floor or my bed. I even moved him to the doll bed. But as I turned off lights I noticed him walking back to my bed and falling a sleep next to my feet. He stayed there till morning.

Now he is super active. He still seems to be putting less weight on the left hind leg, but he is acting his normal impulsive self. And he wants to go out for a jog. I saw him standing on his both hind legs and scratching the door a while ago.
I feel so bad for him because we cant let him out, because we are taking him to the x-rays at 15:30 local time, and we cant have him running around harming the leg more before we know whats wrong with it.

I just hope my mom can take Weed's tantrums for jumping around the tables and showing of that "his leg is just fine and he can go out." He clearly is trying to show us up that he is just fine.

But Im really worried for him, because he is already been 13 years in the family. To me letting go of a friend or family member is really hard thing to do. And when anything is wrong with one of "my furr babies" I tend to worry sick. Like yesterday I did not eat anything before we were back from the doctor and I noticed that I was starting to feel really weak and fainthy.

My mom is super stressed too. She cried a lot. And I was at the verge of crying too. Those who know me that sometimes the pain is so numming that I cant even cry. I m too in shock and the tears come afterwards when the shock wears off. I m still at shock how my poor furbaby could get hurt. We still dont know what happened to him. It might have been a clash with a car or something.

But ya, I m trying to act as a barrier between Weed's showoffs and mom's stress.  I hope everything returns to the normal soon.
Because atm while I would love to stream I dunno if I can. Because I feel so much like I m having panic attack myself for all that is going on.
..
Even everything seems to be okay atm. But Weed jumping around with broken leg is making my mom jump at it and nervous. I will post more when I know more .. Unless something so bad happens that I cant even open computer. You know what I mean.
When Viikka died I was not able to think straight. I was  a mess. And I was pissed at everyone and everything. And I did not even like the dog so much. He was like an annoying baby brother to me. But I like fell for him due the time of his last month he looked for pets and ease from me too.

I know I m most likely over reacting and acting like stupid drama llama but I just wish my furr baby is okay.

Hei siellä :P / Hello there :P

Hi there. If you read this please leave a comment. I would love to know more about you readers. :)
Jos luet tätä niin jätä vaikka nimimerkillä kommentti ja kerro hieman itsestäsi.
Olisi kivaa tietää enemmän teistä ihanista lukijoista. :)
 To post a comment simply click the name of the posts and comment menu should appear :3

Weed problems

I was planning yesterday that I would go jogging today and do whole day walking trip around the neihgborhood.
But appearently our oldest cat Weedi s something wrong with his hind leg and every time it touches something it hurts.
I m worried for him. Also we dont have a car avalibe. I will soon start callout round to all my friends if they are avalibe. I will keep you posted about the situation.¨
But currently I m starting to have a panic attack for this.

•    9:21 edit:
  Just lovely. The vet that we usually use isn't responding to the phone. We will keep trying. Weedi manabed to climb to his kitty toilet and do some pooh. His pooh is the usual. Huge and really smelly. Seriously. Compared to Zorro's I would think a dog would have done that pooh. (Zorro is our other cat who does small pooh.)
• Weed is currently trying to rest his leg. Ane he keeps switching the place where to lay so he can be both in peace but close to us. Poor thing is more dog or a rabbit than a cat. 

• 9:25 edit:
  We are currently on phone with the vet. The leg is still really sore.
•  10:00 edit: We got appointment for vet to this evening. I tried to examine the leg a bit and got scratched and bitten. Good luck for me if it is rabies.. It also seems that there might also be something sore on his front legs upper part because he was not so keen on letting me touch it either. But the left hind leg is absolutely sore. Even slight touch to it seems to hurt a lot. The vet agreen on phone that it might be the case of something bitten him. But I was not able to see any marks due the furr. Also I cant tell if the leg is swollen because Weedi is bit chubby himself. And he normaly looks like that.
  However I m really worried. I gave him some Dreamies to ease the pain and he seemed to enjoy them. He did not purr tough. Usually he purrs when given candy or petted. He did purr to me earlier this morning when I petted him. To me it is also a sign that Weedi is in great pain.
• 10:25:
  He tries to find good spot to stay. Last seen middlf of livingroom next to the table middle of mom's shoes. 

• 13:42: I start to feel bit tired of being stressed all day long. But you know me, I tend to freeze and stress over things. And over analyze them in inside my head. Or then I use all my energy to not over analyze things. I ve beent thinking to maybe do some stream or something "usefull" in a main time. The vet is at 17:30 local time so for surely I can say that most likely there is not gonna be any more updates before that.
  Thanks for everyone for support. <3
•  29:06: Just came back from the vet. Weedi will go to x-ray tomorrow. Appearently something wrong with leg and fourth toe.
  

The future of my blog

Since I seem to enjoy writing once again I decided that it is time to start updating the outfit and style of this blog. I admit doing the last big update on the theme and the outfit of the blog during 2011 when I started my media assistant studies. After that I barely have touched anything and hence the blog still looks so horrible. I myself rarely even open the public page of the blog. I ususally just see the blank white space that I write my posts. Now however after noticing how unprofessional my blog looks I decided to start giving it better look. I admit that I know I m not gonna finish it all in one day. Also I know my taste of style is different from the "normal Finnish style", so if you see something you absolutely hate on this blog please either comment on it, or  if you are a shy send me a message. I added "contact" form to the top left side for you shy people who are too shy to comment to my blog.

Also funny thing I noticed, there is this one anime/manga related forum that I love to check daily for updates. However there are usually online just me and the Admins of the site. But for some reason my blog dashboard keeps telling me that +10 people visits my blog from that forum daily. To me its mega strange because I tough no one used that forum anymore besides for reading updates about upcoming manga episodes and about upcoming stage drama in Japan.

However I m grateful that you people find my blog interesting. I know, this is really old blog and the old content from the early ages is horribly badly written. But I ve kept it in the archieves because this blog is to me like  diary of some sort. Always when I was sad or stressed or confused about something I used to post here. Also often when I was seriously depressed I used to post here. For some reason just writing my own toughts down made me understand myself better and feel better in general.

Same pattern seems to keep happening here still because I admit that most of my latest posts have been about me being ill and me having a thunder headache.

In the future I m planning to focus more either on drawing and art or video game playing. I already added own side site for Twitch where you can watch my game streams directly from my blogs page.

I hope that you dear readers find this blog as entertaining as I enjoy writing it. Seriously, I love writing my toughts down. As someone with ADD/ADHD the flow of thoughs is huge. And usually my own toughts get tangled up inside my head so it all is just gray noise and huge mess.
Writing stuff down gives me better change to actually understand myself what I m actually thinking and feeling. With out it I somehow feel empty and brain dead, but when I write I feel more alive than in a long time.

I try to update here daily and I hope you enjoy the jorney with me.
God bless and lots of hugs to you!

Sims 4 is free for limited time

Just quick post to notify you all that Sims 4 is currently avalibe for free for limited time.
https://www.polygon.com/2019/5/21/18634362/the-sims-4-free-pc-origin

If one asks me Sims has been one of my all time favorite video games. And the price has always been high enoug so Ive been able to buy like only one expansion pack per year as a kid.  Now when the base game is free I strongly recommend everyone to download it and try it out.

Sims is marvelous tool to learn both financial skills (To learn to think before spending all of your money,) and social skills (what to make your Sim to do and not to do to make sure not everyone on the town want to punch you in your face when they see you.)
Note when people hate you they also tend to kick your trashcan down. So you better make sure to make everyone to like you. Also when people like you they tend to give you more help and are generaly nicer to you. Same logic applies a lot also in the real world.

I think I have a problem - again - Partial test reasaults

I just got a phone call from my doctor. Part of the tests came back and at the moment only thing wrong with me seems to be my level of vitamin D. She explained to me that while normal person has serious case of major lack of vitamin D its somewhere around 40. Normally a normal person would have it around 7. For some reason I have mine at 30. I did eat some pills for it during the winter but I stopped since the sun started to show of more and I tough me being casually once per week outside would fix it. Before going to doctor I had been taking walk courses of 30 min daily for at least three days. I would assume it would have made my D vitamin value go up but there seems to be something wrong with it.

She advised me to start eating pills again. There is just one problem. Okay two problems. I m the kind of person who has trouble both drinking water and keeping hydrated and eating pills. Both of them are things that for some reason make me try to throw up. I can drink small bottle of lemonade or bubble water if one gives me enough time to consume it. But if I m needed to drink water I easily feel like throwing up because of some reason that is currently unkown by me. Also I m currently struggling even to take my daily dozes of both Seronil and Concerta at the morning as it is. I dunno. Maybe its because I dont drink enough. But pills make me feel like they wont stay down. And they will come back up. Even how much I drink while I take them I still feel like throwing up. Same thing is with water. Something inside my brains is rejecting it.

I dunno if this has something to do with my early years at the childrens home where I was up to 1 years old, when I was adopted. Recently  I have been able to link many strange things in my life and strange behaviour and issues that I have into that time.

But I dunno what is this all. Its making me confused. Mere the tough of drinking water and taking pills is enough to make my throat feel like I need to go to the bathroom and throw up. There is this weird thingle that makes me feel like I was chocking on a fish bone.

About water cosuming today, Ive managed to drink almost half of bottle of bubbled mineral water from 1,5L bottle.

Only thing I know for sure that there is something here that I will have to deal with on future. It would be nice to know tough why I feel like chocking or throwing up for drinking water.

Thunder headache - Hello summerstorms!

Yesterday was really interesting day. I got my first really bad case of thunder headache of the summer, yaay... I quess. Or not so yeaaay, when I explain what it is all about.

When ever its low pressure on the air that happens usually during the  beginning of thunder storm I get this headache. It starts as small headache but as the pressure builds up it ends up a migraine and me feeling really dizzy, and really annoyed by everything.

Funny thing is that even I was indoors it still happens. Once I was at Messukeskus Helsinki (link to their page here,) wich is competely indoors with heavy walls. And it has air conditioning of their own. So I was not in any kind of contact with outside.. and I still got "thunder headache" as I call it. Usually I never get headache, but during thunder storm approaching I always get really bad headache and feel dizzy. When I got headache in Messukeskus I was like "Wait what is this headache..? It cant be...? Wait what?" Then when I got out and saw it  rained heavily and there was the smell of the thunder int the air I was like "Oh okay this explains it."

At the other hand its useful to have this kind of super power to sense when the storm is gonna hit so I can get indoors and make sure the interenet is turned off during the storm so the lightning wont fry the modem, but then again it really can ruin the whole day and its really hard to cope with headache that keeps going on whole day.

Like this headache started actually day before yesterday, as mild discomforty feeling in my head. Yesterday it went bad. And as I m writing this I feel like the headache is slightly coming back. I quess its gonna still thunder up today.

Like this thing keeps messing with something with my brain until the pressure dissapears from the sky. Ive had this since I was a kid and at first I tought I was just crazy. But like now as an adult I have read from the internet that I m not the only one with this kind of condition so I can say high five to all others who suffer for this.

As far as I m aware there is no cure for this. Yes I can take painkillers but they only affect for short time and activate quite slowly.. and I'm the kinda person who eats painkillers only when I cant stand the pain at all. Also as far as I m aware people still dont know even the cause of this.

All I know is that for some reason low air pressure during the storms makes something to switch on my brains and give me headache that makes me feel like I was sea sick. But like I mentioned earlier, there is always "the cool factor" that I m walking weather antenna and storm warning. Thunderstorms cant surprise me. Other than the feeling when the headache starts before the actual storm and I go " Oh really? Do we have to have this storm today?" Also I love ruining it to people that I talk with when they are like "Hey wanna come to beatch with us, we bet its fun!" and I m like "Nah I pass and you should  too because its gonna thunder hard." It is always kinda interesting to see peoples faces when they realize I was right at it.

And yes the headache keeps up during the storm. It only eases after the storm is gone and weather has cleared again.

How to tell person you cant make them happy - How to tell a person that they need to make themselves happy themselves with out burning the friendship

Just to clarify; I myself used to have People skills of Rocket Raccoon when I was 10 years old. I was that annoying over talktive brat that everyone hated. So when I met someone who was like me in a past I made a friend about over 5 years ago, but then it turned out that I was not enough and I could not support the other person like mom when I myself had hard time and I think the other person had already gotten so deeply attached on me taking care of him that they got hurt when I could not no longer be there for them. 

Because of this and because I wanna be smarter and better friend in a future I would love to hear if you know what I should do when I meet an autistic person with special interes and they refuse to talk anything else besides their interest and they want me to be “Nice auntie from internet who always wants to talk about same tv shows 24/7.” I personally got in a fight with a really good friend of mine because I did not know how to handle this when my pet died and I could not be hyper happy and nice to them nor make them understand that I  could not be there for them. Now an ex-friend of mine seems to be taken it badly and is mad on be because of it. I admit I was stupid but I just wanna know if there is a wise way to tell someone that I cant talk about same anime 24/7 when I myself have depresssion and rough time. I dont want to hurt anyone. Please help. 

Like this thing really keeps bugging me. “How to tell someone you cant baby sit them and make them happy with out hurting them?”

Like I feel so bad for not being able to be there for a friend but then I feel angry at him for not understanding me a one bit. And being super salty after noticing I could not be their mom 24/7. Like when ever he needed something I tried to be there beacause I was taught its right thing to do. But I feel such a failure. And I keep thinking if I could have been "better friend for them" and "Maybe if I was better they would have supported me.."

But the sad fact is that their understanding of people was as bad as mine. Or the same that I had when I was 10 years old. 

Atm I just keep thinking that if something similiar happens again, that if someone wants me to be there for them and when I cant be how to make sure they dont throw a tantrum on me and start hating me and telling people how horrible person Im. 

Like I dont wanna hurt anyone. I just cant act as a happy pill towards someone else.

Okay maybe the part that I m really worried about is that since I m no longer being "happy pill" for that person is that what if they keep doing same to someone else. Yes I'm totally okay with people being with other people to cheer themselves up. But I'm scared that if he gets more hurt because I did not know how to handle the situation and I only made it worse for trying to tell him couldly that I could not be a mom, but then again I gave him no substitute mom or anything to cling on. And if he really needs something to cling to then I let him drown. How to keep person safe?

..

Sorry for this rant. I might have some level of heat stroke and I m not thinking clearly. I bet I m gonna regret writing this thing but ya.. I dunno. I just wish I had more people skills myself so I could get better along with people with no people skills.

The only good side out of this situation is that I know no one is ever ready and we all need to learn people skills. And I try to learn not to let anyone get so attached on me that they get hurt when I cant be their rock when they need it.

Ofcurse this does not mean that if someone wants to talk to me and get support I would not be there. But I just could not support this one person when I was down at the bottomn myself. And I could not make him understand it with out him getting hurt. And I wish I knew better how to handle situations like this. 

All I ask if you whom read this know any tips how to handle super sensitive people who have habit of getting near you and acting like you were their mom; How to tell them you arent mom with out them getting mad on you or  them starting to blame you for being a bully over internet.

I really wanna be friends with everyone and I used to be super active at people pleasing before, but now I m trying to learn to put myself at first so I could finally fix my own mental problems. 

The worst part for me in this mess is that I keep  re-living the events over and over again and over analyzing how I could have been better friend, even I got blamed for being horrible friend when I feel the other one did nothing to support me at all. And I know that the other person in this fuze feels like I abandoned him and snapped with out any reason. When all I did was quit pretending happy 24/7.

I admit it was my bad to pretend and now I feel like I hurted a friend by pretending. But then again I feel like I hurted him even more by quitting pretending. I'm so sorry for it all. But in the end there is nothing I can do anymore to change things. I can only try to be smarter at next time and try to tell people head on that I cant be their chat bot or mom 24/7. Thats all that I know to do. But I m sure that someone else here could give me lots of better solutions so please comment down below to tell me?

My body tries to kill me again?

Dont you just hate it when you try start doing something right and it backfires you? Well for me and my weak body trying to do any kind of exertisize does that.

When ever I try go and do my daily jogging route, or even if I just walk it my body becomes infected and I start bleeding. I dont have any flarg idea why. Ive spent over 100 euros visiting different of doctors and so far they all just tell me that "Oh yes you have dry skin try using lotions on your skin." and I m like "yes I m swimming in them every second I get and I still have weird bleeding and my body seems to try to kill me..

I took some tests yesterday and I have to wait for thursday for some kind of an answer. But I m starting to feel like I frustrated.. I did try taking a walks last summer but kept getting weird bleeding and weird infections all over my body. Its either some flu or some infection somewhere in my body when ever I try to do something. I hate it. I really enjoy going out and walking but Ive started avoiding it because of this. Now after I got tired of looking and feeling like fatass raccoon I tried only do fast walking for like 1 day and it was enough to make me first some kind of stomac flu and then I had to stop. Now when I healed from it or at least I think I did again I only was able to do it for like 3 days and weird dry skin and bleeding. And like even I think I use enough hand lotions I got some lovely infection going on my nail on my left middle finger. I was like "oh just lovely.." I just wanna be like a normal girl who can go out and jog with out her body trying to kill her in every way possible.

But I quess me being normal is too much to ask. 

Staying away from abusive people short

Do you know the feeling when you try your best and you still fail, and then you start to hate yourself thinking that you should have managed to do something right?
At the moment I have this feeling on so many levels. I ve read that its common with people with ADHD. I'm mostly sad that there is this person that I tried to be friendly with but ya..
I m not gonna rant it anymore. Lets just say that I learned valuabe lesson that if someone is mean to you and tries to use you on any level you should leave and stay away from that person. No matter how cute and nice that person seems.. and no matter how much they say they are sorry for hurting you. Or how  much they ever claim that they did nothing to hurt you in a first place.

Like this person keeps switching person to talk to and tries to find somekind of substitute mother or I dont even know. But like now I know that if I feel abused and hurt I should not "wait that person to grow out from being abusive jerk." People dont do that. Its no use for me or anyone to just sit there and suffer all the pain and wait for things to turn to better.


Also there is this thing that Ive learned that sometimes these "mean people" love to hurt other. Either that or they cant see the pain they are causing. And even when you show them that they cause pain and tell them about your feelings they cant change the way they act because they love their own ass too much.

What is it with people's need to be mean and spoil stuff on purpose?

I understand if someone accidently slips something, but like whats the joy of going to yell to people who are waiting to see a movie and try to enjoy it with full of surpises "Hey hey did you knoow that this person X does a thing Y in a movie and then that other person B does thing C with Y?" 
Like in a way you are also ruining it for the film makers. They are telling us a story, and we are paying them to hear the story, and then if we know the story already we have no "need" to hear the story.

Also I think story is best told by the person who wrote it. Like have you guys listened Redwall audiobooks by Brian Jacques? Those are true masterpieces! Even Redwall is repeative as flarg the audiobooks are still pure art.

As someone got to hear one major spoiler on Twitch.tv's Pokemon stream before I realized that I definetely m better if I stay out of social media all together before I see the Endgame I just wanna slap everyone who enjoys spoiling the story and the mood from other people and ask if their own mother's did not love them enough so thay are feeling this empty void inside of them and they have this need to make others feel their pain and emptiness.

If you have issues with yourself be a nice sport and go to talk to a professional or someone over the internet who is willing to sacriface their own time to listen you cry. Be warned if you are a jerk and annoy people enough no one will want to be your friends or listen to you anymore.

I got to meet the latter situation with one of my ex-friends. Ya, you know I was posting weeks ago about this person who I tried to be friends with, but he was too lazy to be friendly back, "Alex". Well quess what. He ghosted someone else for a week, and when this person who got ghosted become bored and spoke to me this one person lets call him Alex because -I dont wanna tell any info about them- yelled at me that "How dared I speak to his friends!" and he was mad on me for getting nice and warm words from his friends. I was like hey I did send you multiple messages that this other person lets call her Pinja missed you. And he was like "I dont care. I  can ghost people for weeks but if you talk to them you are the most annoying and mean person in the universe and I hate you."
I was like oki.. well then.

But yes, this incident made me realize how much there are people who has issue with their own self and they reflect in on the other people and drag the other people into mud with them. Please, if you feel sad and lonely or insecure about youreslf find some professional to talk with instead of either annoying or hurting, or both to the peopple over internet.

If you get hurt you still have no right to hurt other people back. By doing so you are just causing more people who suffer like you did.  I can kinda understand this type behaviour from someone like Rocket Raccoon who literally had no one called family ever in his his life, but most of these kids who act the same, that they dont care a flarg about others, exept they enjoy people feeling as miserable as they do did in most case have at least some kind of family. I m not saying it was any good but it was a family.  Still ya. I wish this Alex would realize that he cant act like Domina to every single person over the internet while being really cruel and uncaring about other people's feelings.

But ya. Here is my rant for now. I will do more later for sure. Now I gotta start getting ready for this one study class that I m taking about the End times. Whahaha.

Be blessed, and PLS if you are having a bad day dont reflect it back on others. You will just make everyone think you are asshat and really really mentally retarded and selfish jerk. And NO one wants to be friends with that. Yes, if you feel like no one loves you and everyone hates you because you are jerk, maybe instead of just thinking that one could think how to not be so much jerk and how at least try make someone else feel safe and happy. If no one else just try make yourself feel safe. Get some adults to talk to. And if you are being honest to yourself no one is truelly happy to see the world burn.. Okay Rocket Raccoon is gotten in so much deep in depression lane but even he enjoys more being friends and chilling than making everyone burn. Okay maybe bit roasting Quill but other than that.
I will do review about Endgame after most of people are seen it so I wont spoil anything. Hugs to all fellow Raccoonatics there! <3

Nice girl vs Rocket raccoon

I've been taught how to be nice and polite. Always to smile and never cuss or swear to people.
ALWAYS when I know something can make someone happy I try to give it to them it being talking about certain anime with people all day long or playing some video games with people they wanna play. But them there is this new side of me, that I ve started calling "Getting full Rocket Raccoon mode on people". Suddenly I don't wanna talk about anime that other people like, suddenly I wanna play some video games that I enjoy the most.

I do know that most people do this by default, they are nice to themselves and put themselves at first. Me for the other hand has no skills on this. And Ive noticed that during my past people have taken hardly advance on this and used it agaist me. Flarg I almost got married with totally-not-ready-to-leave-his-mom-or-being-an-adult-and-taking-care-of-the-money-and-family type of guy because of this habit of mine. Like I get so sad when someone else is not happy and I give them my all to make them smile. I somehow use it as  my own boost to tell the world that I m needed and I have the right to exist on this world. But it got to that point that this "momma's boy" who never had money to pay his own bills or never enough energy take care of his pet rabbit (not me but actual rabbit).. Heck he was too sleepy and lazy to come over to my place. And he was scared of my parents because they have tendency to yell a lot. And he was scared of his own shadow. Well as someone with panic attacks I learned that the same level I learned to go out with him and be brave middle of huge pile of humans on different cons and Book sale events he started to act more paniccy and scared. But the worst came when he started to sulk and mourn how I was not married with him and living with him and giving him sex. Well those who know me know that I felt during that time too young and too scared to do anything like that. But the natural reaction for me was to give in and say yes. But something stopped me.. And it made him even more sad. Well it end up we not being able not to even talk to each other anymore.

But ya. Lately I ve noticed that when pushed to my limits instead of quietly and nicely saying no I go full "Rocket Raccoon mode.." I sulk, cuss and tell people that I m fucking tired of making them happy 24/7.

At least one person has become confused and scared of me.. The "anime fanboy-guy", who only seems to be able to talk to me when if I talk with him about his fave anime. Othervise he is just sulking to me and being like "You are horrible person because you ask me to do such hard things as talking about something you might also being interested." Okay that was over extatured. But like they just told me the other day they wish that he could talk to me or do something with me that would make me happy. I tried begging him to play video games such as WOW with me and they went full "I dont want to talk to you! GO away" -mode.
This made my Rocket raccoon side go on full rage. For their good luck I did not go raging on them but it was so close I did not go tell them that if he thinks that he can go mute on me the instance I dare to suggest something I might like is super rude and I dont want to have anything to do with them. The worst part was I did that before and they totally were more ready to never to talk with me than doing something nice that we both might like.

On the other hand I really dont wanna loose a friend, but again I m starting to think that maybe this friendship is not on the healthy levels. I bet if he tries to read this he is surely going full rage on me about how I dare to talk about my feelings. He did stalk my Tumblr posts earlier on. Funny fact he is super suspicious on me stalking him even I know he is the one who stalks more. Actually I kinda hope he reads this so he knows that "I wanna be friends but I dont like when he goes ignorning me when ever I dont wanna talk about anime." And if it was all anime it would be good but he has really strict taste of anime. Only his fave 1980's series are good topic. Other is like "Meh I could never like them or get feelings out of those get them away from me." This happened when me and one of our friends suggested him a new anime to watch.

But yea. I m kinda worried about myself. Like I know its a good thing if I dont let people being boss of me and using me. But I'm kinda worried about those people. If I go snap on them and telling them they are sick bastards using me they are gonna feel super hurt because I know at least one person not doing stuff on purpose. I know he is the way he is because he never learned how to be a human, and on the other mode, When Im nice girl mode I wanna support him and be a friend. But sometimes when he has been shithead enough I've learned I go full Rocket raccoon mode and just wanna tell him straight how frustrated I'm.

The worst part maybe is that this person does not know how to teach himself to being better person. He believes he is the way he is and he cant learn. How to tell someone they can learn and being selfish and narcistic bossy shithead is not only option to live for?

I feel tired and scared that I only make their situation worse if I go on Rocket raccoon mode.

I ve decided to try being just me and trying to be nice on them untill I figure out what to do with them.

The good thing about me getting into Rocket raccoon mode I feel more brave and more adult than I never felt. I feel more me. During this persona taking somehow over me I feel more me. And I feel like I know what I want. But suddently as it appears it  goes a way and Im again this nice girl who has zero idea what they wanna do with their lives.

What I want to do:

I wanna WRITE and talk with people online.
I wanna help people. Like the other people who has PTSD and depression like I do. I wanna be there for people and I wanna let people know that they arent alone. That Jesus died for them and that they are loved.

I also love creating new things, like art. Lately Ive have had horrible art blocks and writers blocks, but I managed to start Finnish GNG/Harry Potter AU Fanfic. Hahah. I know its not much but for me its its still something.

I just wish there was a way to me earn money doing this. I mean by writing stupid toughs on my head but I know that actually no one is interested on reading shit like this. But at the moment I dont even care. I ve used this blog as my super open- what-everyone-can-read-to Diary and place to put my feelings as long as I can remember.. also since I got nothing to hide I think its just okay if I keep posting my toughts here.

Also when I read my old posts  and compared them to my newer posts I noticed once positive thing. I no longer write about how I wanna die. I still feel like I got no enery left time to time but this time I wanna live. I wanna live and show the world that Varjokani is here to stay and no one can stop me for being the silly old me.

Super scary tought. Im turning 25 this summer and I havent been doing anything useful for 4 years. It feels kinda scary. But at least at the moment I'm studying game making on online courses and at least I managed to get up this morning before 11am. I quess thinks are getting better. Just lets hope my Rocket racccon side wont desteroy my life.

Being nice

"Dat feels" and the amount of confusion when you have been trying to "be nice" and talk with someone about stuff they like. And when you dare to suggest them something that you would like to do, like playing your favorite video game together, and you tell them that you think they could enjoy it too they suddenly say to you that they dont want you to "Distract" them or "Talk to them" at all. Yes I can understand if people dont wanna talk with people all the time. But when it goes like "Hi you are allowed to talk about stuff I love and like but you dare to suggest something you like I m not talking to you." I m starting to think that this "friendship" is getting way more toxic than good friendships should. .. and yet I feel like I kinda wanna talk with these people..

And I m scared that they feel hurt or sad because of me. I've been talking with my terapeut lately and she told me that I m "too nice," and I should start thinking what I want and I should dare to be selfish. Somehow I m scared that I might hurt someone else in the progress if I start going full selfish mode.
I will be tring to being in clear middle-lane in between. But somehow I feel like that one person is on purpose making me feel bad if I dare to ask them something or tell them that I would love to do something with them that I would like to do. Worst part is that they themselves tell me that they want to be my friend, but dont have anything in their mind what they could do to spend time with me. But they sure say no to 99% to my ideas.

All I've learned that only way they feel happy is if I talk with them about stuff what they are currently being greatest fans of. Like tv-series that they like. Meh.

I feel like torn apart in between thinking maybe I should be more demanding on them, and tell them that if they wanna be my friend they should do something that I wanna do. Instead of me just going on pleasing about them and talking about their interest.

And like if I tell them I feel tired about talking the same topic and ask them to talk about something else I get the cold treatment and them being compeletely silent and cold towards me claiming "They dont wish to hurt me but they just dont have imagination or idea what to talk about." When I suggest them to talk about stuff I like like raccoons and rabbits they be like "Oh I dont know what I could say or talk abou those." When I suggest them to watch my fave movies etc they say "Maybe someday but I m just too busy watching my own series on re-run".. And I m like Okaaay.

Bah. The worst part is that they are so cute and innocent and cry a lot if I get on mean Rocket Raccoon mode on them. I think I might post more about my Rocket raccoon mode here.

owo

Meep bark

A week back I learned that there is gonna be a new Ginga Nagareboshi Gin themed drama show in Japan at June. Since I was huge fan of Finnish fan made musical I got interested enough to join into Finnish GNG themed forum to talk about it.
For my bad forums seem to be dying technology now days. The forum is so dead. Like only two people talking in that forum is me and one of other person plus the admins checking the site once or twice the day and saying hello. Its really sad for someone who has grown up with forums.

I dunno. Somehow I enjoy writing and talking with people online. In forum you can mix these things together and do both at once.

Only thing bothering me at the moment is that the reason forum is empty is that I joined there. The old phobia of humans hating me strikes again. But not every single GNG fan from Finland can hate me can they?

Yes I know I need more self trust and more positive additude. I started to write a parody fanfic on the page half a a week ago and it already has "post read 504 times." so I quess that someone out there must enjoy it. I also started a new rp on forum in hopes of getting someone to rp with me.

For my job situation the things are still the same, no job. But I've started slowly studying how to use Unity. I used Humble Pundle coding course from Zenva academy. I actually should be doing my home works from that site but I m being as any student who does not have deadline.. Avoiding it till get inspiration to do them.

Watership Down Japanese cast list

Just gonna stick these here

Needed these for one theory post I was gonna make..

Angst

Voi vattuuuu. Menin puolvahingos avautuu yhelle forkalle jos ei ollu ees tarkotus käydä. Pitäs melkee poistaa toi sielt mut sit taas toisaalt haluun vaa itkee jonku sylissä.

Mut täs mun ranttaus viel tänneki: "

Mulla itsellä ollut masennuslääkitys vuodesta 2011, ja masennuksen sain jo ala-asteella alkaneen kiusaamisen takia. Nyt on ollu vuoristorataa tän adhdn kanssa. Välillä tosi onnellinen ja välillä tosi surullinen. Lääkkeet siis paniikkihäiriöön/masennukseen, ja adhdseen. Välillä tekis mieli vaa luovuttaa ja kuolla pois. Ja sit esim tällä hetkellä jotenki tyhjä ja yksinäinen olo. Ja sit ku en jostai syystä oo jaksanu ottaa adhd-lääkkeitä ni sellane olo ettei jaksa eikä huvita tehdä mitään muutaku chattaa jostain jonku kaa. Ja tänä iltana taas iski sellane voimattomuuden ja väsymyyden tunne. En tiedä mitä tekis. Ei jaksa ees nousta aamulla. Juu mä lupasin ittelleni etten alkais purkaa tääl heti mun ongelmii mut sit huomasin tän aihealueen tääl ja ajattelin et ku tääl ei ketää oo hereil kuitenka varmaa tähän aikaan joka tän lukis ni voin iha hyvin purkaa tänne.

Mut on siis adoptoitu pienenä ja siit tullu joku hylkäämisreaktio jonka johdosta mul on suoranainen pakkomielle kelvata aina ja kaikille ja olla kaikkien kaveri. Sit saan siit kauheet paineet ja paniikin jos joku random tyyppi kadulla ym vihaa minua. Tai jos joku kaverin kaveri ei pidä musta. Saatan koko päivän miettii miks joku random tyyppi ei pidä musta ja sit en uskalla alottaa mitään ku pelkään et mua inhotaan jo valmiiks. Siitä syystä en uskalla myöskä alottaa seurustelua. Seurustelin pari vuotta takaperin mut se katkes siihen et mä en ollut valmis menee naimisiin. Nyt oon tajunnu et se ihmissuhde oli mulle vaan haitallinen mut silti mun aivois joku on niksahtanu ja oon sillei "Tämä ihminen lupasi suojella ja olla aina läsnä muttei ollu".. ja nyt kauhee kynnys ees mennä puhumaan kenellekä siin mieles et alkais seurusteleen. 
Ja jotenki va sellane olo et oispa vaa joku harrastus joka ei vaatis aivotyöskentelyy. Niinku esim kirjoittaminen tai piirtäminen. Mut täl hetkel kukaan ei oo palkannu mua kumpaankaan. Ja joo mä oon aika varma et nyt jos ees yritän alkaa lukee tätä mun vuodatusta tääl ni kadun sitä ja poistan sen. Et ehk oon vaan tyhmä ja lähetän tän ennenku kadun. Mut ni kiitti ku sain avautuu. Mut niinku iha ittee pelottaa ku en saa mitään aikaiseks enkä jaksa tehä mitään hyödyllistä. Ja sit välil must tuntuu et oisin iha eri ihminen enkä tunne itteeni. Tai sillee. Välil tekee mieli vaa vihata kaikkea ja koen hirveet epäluottamust kaikkea kohtaan ja välil haluun juosta halii ekaa vastaantulijaa. Mut just tän epäluuloisuuden ja vihan takii koen etten koskaan pysty enää rakastuu kehenkä silleen et luottaisin tarpeeks viettääkseni loppuelämäni kenenkä kaa."

Mul jotenki iha tolkuttoman väsy ja itkunen ja turta olo. Sillei et tekis vaa mieli mököttää kattoo kaikkii ihmisii sillei semi-vihasesti.

//

Soo that was my rant in Finnish I quess since I ve been keeping this blog in English I could rant in English also. Soo yeaa I ve been bullied as a child and I ve been adopted so thats maybe why I got such strong "Mandatory" to be friend and loved by everyone. Because I ve been dumped once by my mom at very yong age. That kind of lifestyle is damn rough to live. Always needing to be accepted by everyone. Okay maybe it was easier if I was not as strongly talktive and hyper active person who has tendancy to make people feel annoyed. Atm I had infection wich caused me to not to go to sleep early nor not to wake up early. I think that is why I feel horrible atm.

I have been taking depression/panic attack meds since 2011. And I thinkt those are doing this to me. I feel so emty and dead inside. I feel so bored but I got no energy to get up from the bed in the morning. I m worried about myself. I keep wishing that tomorrow is a new and better day But I m worried how long I can keep this going. I mean I do have friends and I should be happy. But somewhat I feel so lonely and alone. And bored.  Mostly bored. Maybe If I try go to sleep early and wake up early and take my meds like smart person I would be better tomorrow.